Can't stay, can't leave

[billiechic]

2 months ago a nasty argument with my husband turned physical (the story is already in the Domestic violence forum). Basically we've tried marriage counselling (went twice) but I was very unhappy with the counsellor as she didn't even acknowledge or try to address the physical, emotional and mental abuse that was happening, even after my husband admitted to it.

Anyway, I can't seem to get past it. I can get along with him, but as soon as he wants some affection or whatever, I unintentionally get angry and defensive. It's all I can do not to push him away when he comes close. I do still love him, but I can't stand any physical touch.

So many times over the past few months we've both talked about divorce, separation. I've told him I need time/space to try to heal myself from all the nastiness that has gone on. I can't make him promises that I will ever get over it, even feel for him the way I used to. He says he can't wait for that, it's too much torture. So he packs some clothes and leaves Monday night. Says that's it, he's out and never coming back. He called me so many times at work yesterday, and ends up coming home because he can't live without me or our daughter.

What do I do? It doesn't matter how many times he decides it's over (or I tell him if he can't give me a separation to work on myself) he just keeps coming back. I don't know if I want a divorce, but unless he can give me some space it will have to happen. I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to fight over custody of our daughter. I know he's hurting, but I'm so close to the limit of how much I can take that if he doesn't back off he's forcing a divorce.

What do I do/say to convince him? At first neither of us was willing to leave the house, we were so focussed on our daughter and worried about losing her to the other. I could take a few days and stay at my mom's, but I don't know if he will understand my need for space or if it will make him angry. I don't want him angry, as that's what will make him fight to take everything from me. He's already taken my confidence in myself (relationship-wise) and I think he owes me the time to heal myself. If he can't do that (sacrifice something for his wife) then I think it's over. But how do I let him know that?

He has stiopped going to his psychologist and has not attended anger management as the marriage counsellor suggested. He has started acting like a true husband (doing a fair share of the housework) but that is not enough for me. I need him to show an effort to deal with his behaviour, and simply changing some of it does not address the unfairness of how he has treated me for most of our 15 year relationship.

UGH, sorry this seems so random. I just really need some perspective from people who know how lost and confused I'm feeling.

[billm]

When you say you went twice to the marriage councellor, do you mean literally two visits?

The fastest and best way to fix your problems is to work on yourselves individually and work on your marriage together and that is best served with a professional that you both trust.

I would find a therapist that you are comfortable with (though be careful not to just chose one that tells you what you want to hear).

I would tell him that he MUST go to his psychologist AND anger management regularly (ie don't miss any appointments) or else you will leave him - that is the sacrifice that you must ask of him and if he can't do that then he is not willing to change. House cleaning is temporary and he is only doing it because he is scared, when he is comfortable he will go back to his old ways - he needs to put serious work into himself and he needs help with that.

[billiechic]

Thank you BillM That is what I needed to hear.

Yes, we went for two visits. I know that is not much, but it was enough for me to know that she was not the consellor that we needed. Seems she didn't have any experience with domestic abuse and skirted the real issues.

Yes, I've told him I need time to heal myself. I've been to a crisis counsellor but I need to find someone permanent for myself. I made an appointment with my family doctor for next week. Hopefully he can refer me to someone who specializes in this.

As for his conselling, I brought it up yesterday. His family has convinced him that "it takes 2 to tango". They all think this is equally my fault (and it may be) but he thinks that means it was all a back and forth thing rather than him constantly instigating, criticising and following me around until I had to defend myself from his accusations etc. He thinks that all we need is marriage counselling, and he will admit that he has not treated me with respect at all.

I have to wonder if not making another apointment with his therapist is a stalling tactic because he is scared to face the truth. He was referred by our family doctor, he can't deny that he has issues more complicated than the average person. But since the therapist has yet to "label" him, he things his behaviour is common. IDK, maybe it is.

So I don't know if I can go to marriage counselling with his they way things are now. you're right, his attempts to be a "perfect husband" will not last, and that would be ok if the abusive behaviour stopped. BUt until I know whether I can get past this I won't be able to attend marriage counselling and put 100% effort into it. I just don't want to lead him into thinking it will all get worked out if I can't feel whole with him again.

I will tell him that he must do those things. I guess I need to draw a firm line so he knows exactly what to do. If he can't do that for me, he's not worth it.

Thanks Bill!

[finallygone]

I undersatnd what your going through but life is too short. I'd say time to move on.

[Stargate]

My personal experience with marriage counselling is that it doesn't work in the long run.

Sever the ties and move on.

[billiechic]

he has made a great deal of change in the 2 months we've been apart. He is now actually caring for our 3 year old daughter when he is with her, rather than relying on family. He is seeing a counsellor, getting counselling over the phone daily as well and is starting anger management today. He still has a lot of work to do, but he has realized how horribly he has treated me and wants a second chance.

Our house was supposed to go up for sale this week, but he wants to move back into the house instead. I am staying at my mom's, and our daughter is shared 50/50. I am not sure if he can change, or if I can get past the feelings I have right now. But we've been together for so long, and I still care for him. I'm giving him the chance to work on himself as I try to heal. If he can show that he has changed and can put his family first we may have a chance.

But for now I have to protect my heart and let him prove that he can be the husband he should have been before.

[standing on the sidelines]

he has made a great deal of change in the 2 months we've been apart. He is now actually caring for our 3 year old daughter when he is with her, rather than relying on family. He is seeing a counsellor, getting counselling over the phone daily as well and is starting anger management today. He still has a lot of work to do, but he has realized how horribly he has treated me and wants a second chance.

Our house was supposed to go up for sale this week, but he wants to move back into the house instead. I am staying at my mom's, and our daughter is shared 50/50. I am not sure if he can change, or if I can get past the feelings I have right now. But we've been together for so long, and I still care for him. I'm giving him the chance to work on himself as I try to heal. If he can show that he has changed and can put his family first we may have a chance.

But for now I have to protect my heart and let him prove that he can be the husband he should have been before.

you have been hurt so it is natural to protect yourself. It sounds like he is taking positive steps to prove that he can be the man you want. It will take time and like his family said it takes to to tango, whether it be causing the problems or solving them. He needs to do his part.

[strotter1006]

billiechic,

I totally understand your feelings. I want to be will my partner so much I miss him terribly I cry everyday. Then I look at my children and think I did the right thing I left a controlling, abusive person. My common-law partner and I talked about relationship counseling and I told him he has to work on his self first controlling nature and controlling his anger. We were separated before and I got counseling for myself when he really controlled me. I am a better person now I have more self esteem. He has told me many times he would go to counseling but never has.

Anyways you must take care of yourself first and he must take care of himself and if you both do this maybe couples counseling will work. You both must want to do it and find someone you are both comfortable with.

Good Luck

[WorriedDad]

Speaking as someone who was married to someone with serious anger management issues, if he won't go to anger management courses then he doesn't believe he has a problem and WILL become violent again. Ultimatums are "always" a bad idea, and situations like this are the exception that proves the rule. Sure try and work it out if you want but insist that he attend both the psychologist AND especially the anger management. Violence begets violence, unless the situation is remedied.

[billiechic]

thanks WorriedDad.

He is doing both counselling and anger management. He seems to be doing a lot better, but I still am not sure if I can give it another try. Only time will tell.