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Living on coffee

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  • Living on coffee

    I'm so glad I found this forum and that it's Canadian. I read through a few posts and have no idea how you all stay so calm. I'm an absolute mess and I'm going to try and convey my story, forgive me if it wanders or lacks sense. I don't now where to start really

    when I was in my 20's I fell in love with a separated woman and her 3 children. we were young and everything seemed right. Were were so happy. and I didn't mind taking on her children and we had a good relationship even though their father was still in their life and well anyway this parts important maybe only to me.

    over the years we've had money problems (4 kids in all.. never enough money). various bouts with depression and otherwise lots of wonderful times together. overall I thought we did really well all things considered

    This is 23 years later and a week ago I returned home from a business trip (glad to be home actually I hate traveling or being away from them) The other kids are grown and have their own lives. My daughter is the last one home. within a few hours of being home I was told that I was making their lives miserable and my wife decided (common law btw) she needed to be away for a while. I knew we were having a down, sort of in a rut, time I tried to ask what was wrong and just felt (actually is was an excuse she used once) that she was going through menopause so I tried not to burden her with my troubles and tried to make everything a good experience but she had been withdrawn and after a while I was also withdrawn. so theres been a period where communication consisted of her work day or what we were doing for supper.. or trying to get her to go out together I was consciously trying to not rock the boat or do things that could upset her (this was a mistake and I realize that now) these are the most important 2 people in my world ... all they had to do was tell me why they were unhappy and I would do ANYTHING to fix it. the problem was her (their) explanation of what was wrong didn't make any sense to me... silly stuff like I overspent on a consumer item (I didn't actually, and showed her what I had done to get it) or I was selfish and would switch channels on TV programs she was watching and brought up a time I was supposed to pick her up from work but a friend had drove her home and there was a misunderstanding.. that was years ago.. anyway maybe theres more too it but it was never articulated to me... anyway I took the money I had and rented her an apartment. gave her my truck and bought an old wreck to drive myself. (she had some money saved too but not enough. and she had a small wreck with her truck so we were short a vehicle) I made sure she had all the things she needed either from the house or bought it for her so she could move in immediately. and promised I would do anything and everything I thought I could do to get her back home and agreed to help support her in her appartment with some cash every month.

    My daughter is still with me for the moment but she is very clearly angry with me and I haven't asked her directly (more on this below) I'm sure she'd rather be with mom. She's a teenager and needs her mom more than her dad but I try.. I tell her I love her more often.. it's all I can do she's not really talking with me.

    A day or so ago.. (actually this has been 36 straight hours since) I found out she (my wife) has been having casual affairs with other men.. (maybe up to 4 in fact and I know some of them, and verified as true) and been chasing the affection of another man for years that won't have anything to do with her but remains a friend to her. One of these relationships has gotten more serious. I don't know whether this is a symptom or the cause of these other problems and I'm not really in a position to judge that now because I'm having a hard time with this whole thing.

    Yesterday i was wearing guilt on my shoulders and was willing to do anything to make it right with them, now i have this weird anger/guilt/confusion thing and I don't know how to defend myself or what I should do or say that could maybe hurt my daughter more than she is already. If I have to I will accept the blame and just do whatever I have to and not say anything about knowing about her affairs. And hope that one day my daughter accepts me again or forgives me.. or (god I hope not) learns the truth herself

    I've never had my heart broken like this and I just don't know how to deal with it. I don't know who to trust. co-workers are sympathetic and supportive but they aren't real friends... and nor should they be. My emotions may have tainted some of the things I've said here I just want to be fair with her and not do anymore damage to my girls than I perhaps, already have done though I don't know how. I also don't want reconciliation anymore in light of her behavior but I still can't bare not having her here with me... I don't know if there is advice to be gotten here or ... I just don't know what I should be doing or feeling.

    The anger part of me is believing this is all engineered to end our family so she can pursue this other relationship. I also believe that my daughters anger toward me was fermented somewhat because they seem to lack foundation other than "Dad did this to us" I beleive my daughter can't move into the apartment yet because my wife can't explain the presence of this other man who is from out of town somewhere and can't be there everyday so "visits " from my daughter was all it was going to be for now is what she said. think this man is married with his own children too... as are the other relationships were married men

    I better stop writing now there is more to this story thats maybe too detailed for here but I don't want my first post to be a sad novel to burden everyone with

  • #2
    You were living with someone that cheated on you multiple times, said she was leaving you because of you, when really she is having yet another affair, for which she abandoned her daughter for, the same daughter that she has turned against you, yet feels fine with letting her live with you.

    But you have been committed to her and loved her for over 20 years
    , so the reality is that you, as a decent person that has loved his spouse, will be in a lot of hurt for a long time. Her having multiple affairs at least will help you be repulsed by her and help you.

    As everyone says, which is true of the human spirit, you will someday be totatlly over her and be glad to be away from that cheating lying self centered angry woman, who is so desparate to blame you for her actions that she is still yelling at you for that day years ago when you forgot to pick her up at work.

    Your post shows you to be a self conscious caring person. You will be happier than her. Direct your efforts toward your daughter and forget your wife - hurry up and get the legal stuff done and be careful because a person like that will blame you for all things and when her life goes down she will try to bring you with her.

    What a joke - she sleeps with all sorts of men and turns your daughter against you vs. you hog the remote and forgot to pick her up. You have nothing to blame yourself for, other than believing her that it is your fault.
    Last edited by billm; 07-17-2009, 07:15 PM.


    • #3
      Thanks for your reply.. I wish she had yelled at me then or something I barely even remember the inceddent because it seemed a non issue. she's never yelled at me until last week... i have never yealled at her either, ever... not even once annoyed a few times maybe... it's all so hard to sort..

      Originally posted by billm View Post
      who is so desparate to blame you for her actions that she is still yelling at you for that day years ago when you forgot to pick her up at work.



      • #4
        Your post title-living on coffee...get off the coffee and get some sleep.

        You are about to enter a new phase in your life and will need sleep, your wits and yourself health to help your daughter.

        Get some counselling so you don't take on the guilt that she has probably flung your way for a while and you unfortunately have been blind to the ways she has deflected her own guilt.

        Take the time to really listen to your daughter and what she may have been fed so you can prepare yourself for the lies that will come out in the proceeding ahead.

        All the best!


        • #5
          Thanks .. I wonder what resources are available for me, alone. I spoke to a counselor that was working with my daughter at one point and she was no help at all. and couldn't even suggest anything. I'm not even sure who I'm asking for


          • #6
            Try any local family law centres you might have in your area. They are usually pretty good at pointing you in the right direction of support. Usually flyers and stuff on their bulletin boards, etc.


            • #7
              Dump the wife and move on. There's nothing better than feeling free again. It takes time but it does feel good once the storm is over.


              • #8
                Thanks a lot for your reply. things are better now for me I think I was sure a mess when I posted that, and I do see what you mean and maybe see that one day I might really appreciate the new life i've been handed.


                • #9
                  You'll find your way again.


                  • #10
                    Hi Folks.

                    I have to thank you all. literally you were the only encouraging words I had during that time (that I made my initial post).

                    The rest of the story. Since I posted this (initial thread) my daughter had gone to live with her as I suspected would happen. but things didn't fare too well for them, my daughter moved out (couch surfing) and it was kept a secret from me for some 9 months. She (My daughter) finally had to ask for me to buy her some groceries. her mom wasn't spending any of the money I gave her for her food/clothing or her cell phone etc... This was a bid to try and control my daughters behavior. it was my belief that my daughters behavior stemmed from a mental illness, but my wife believed it was just attention seeking.

                    I did get to spend a few weekends here and there with her which were hard because she was so depressed but we had a good time anyway and I got to see her smile a few times.

                    I'm sorry to say that last summer I got her back home after a final tiff between her and her mom where her mom threw her out (officially) and this was on the first day she was admitted to a hospital while in crisis and thats when I became aware that she hadn't really been living with her mom. I also became aware of all the other lies she had to tell while her mom kept up her guise (I never confronted my ex with what I knew and hindsight says this was a huge mistake).

                    She was terribly depressed but I got her doing things and preparing for college and trying to show her she had a bright exciting future and making sure she attended her treatments but in the end she committed suicide 6 weeks later after a monumental battle with depression that for whatever reason she wouldn't talk about with anyone outside of treatment, it's been months now and I think I can finally talk about it to strangers but not too much.

                    I could never (actually her mom couldn't either) find out what the real story was behind her treatment/illness because all the professionals hide behind the privacy act. even to this day I can't find out anything..Or most things but this is another story entirely, just remember that once they are 16 the docs will not ever tell you everything or anything no matter who you are.

                    My Daughter did bring someone she met into my life and I'm afraid to think of where I would be if we hadn't been introduced while she was trying to help my daughter. She's probably given me a reason to,,, well lets not go there I can't imagine not having her. I proposed, She accepted and we will be married at a later date. maybe happiness is on the horizon for me at least. I got to see the other kids and they seemed happy and are having productive lives and I'm glad for them and hope they can support their mom.

                    Speaking of her, I think she has developed a drinking problem now with the help of her new man who also helped spend all her money. I really didn't want to see bad things happen to her but she is not the Woman I once loved. She's lost a lot of her friends who once supported her and I have very little contact with her these days. I genuinely hope she overcomes these things.

                    So this is how my family was destroyed. I had to come back here because I think this is the only place and people aside from my new fiancé that has this story from my perspective and I wanted it to be complete for some reason. I guess I wanted people to realize how bad things can get. while I realize we didn't have a lot of material things I see a lot of posts here are preoccupied with things and even the children can be treated like things in the middle of all the hurt and confusion. The ideas and perceptions can be easily tainted and you lose track of what is important... Please be careful


                    • #11
                      Thanks for the post. Often we forget that there is still 20-40 years in front of us, and in 2-5-10 years these very hard times will be all far behind.


                      • #12
                        It's been a while since I have been saddened as much as by reading your story. I must say your honesty and integrity really come through in your story, it is undeniable, and you manage to come through on top in my opinion.

                        Best of luck to you and keep us posted here with your personal victories and anything you need to share here.


                        • #13
                          Despite the bittersweet conclusion of the story, thank you for coming back to post and share the rest of your story with us.


                          • #14
                            I am so sorry for your loss. I appreciate you telling your story - the first time I've actually read it. I am humbled by your ability to rise above ALL of the challenges you have faced and you still seem to come out on top. I applaud your strength and courage. I hope we can all take something away from your story.


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