how do you deal with being accused of abusing your spouse

[hrobins]

My STBX accused me of abusing her, its not true but she is telling all our friends that I did. She has told everyone in our church that i abused her and the pastors at my church believed her and I was guilty no matter what. The pastors there have suggested to me that I should look for another church.I have lost all the friends I had becaue of her accusations. So I have lost my wife, and my church. She was the one that would attack me, block me from leaving the house and the one that if she didn't get her way would scream at me. She has told the police that I blocked her from leaving and got victim services involved. She got the police to help her move out, and in the process of moving out took my cat and the police let her do it. I offered to do a simple divorce without a lawyer earlier this year, but then she decided to treat me like I didn't exist and for 4 months refused to talk to me. So last week she sents me email ordering me to file for a divorce without a lawyer and at the time was demanding that I pay spousal support and give her half of my retirement.
She refuses to work full time, she works for ICBC and could get a full time job there. My retirement plan was from when I worked for the Gov't of Saskatchewan and it mandatory deduction. I married my STBX and then we moved to BC, becasue of a medical issue with her mother. When I left that job to move to BC, the money that was in there had to be converted to a LIRA, and even if she gets any money from it, it has to be put in a LIRA. My STBX thinks she is going to get a huge payday. She thinks she is entitled to sposual support because I make so much money then her, when she has stuck me with a huge credit card bill, and various other debts. While she moved out and found a place to live, I was asked to leave the place I was living in and had to find a more expensive place to live. To top it off, I found that I may have to have neck surgery and will put me out of work for a few months. Because of what she has done, I have had to make massive cuts in my life, I am down to eating one meal a day, while she goes out to eat amost every day.
To top things off she sent an email just now saying that she was going to go for everything becasue I want a lawyer. It's like she wants to be in control and because she isn't she wants to punish me. My question is can she actually go for everything? I have it in writing where she said she would not go for spousal support,etc. I should also say she use to work as a legal assistance to a family law lawyer in Saskatchewan.

[hrobins]

I should also say that I did offer at first to do this divorce with out a lawyer, but she decided to treat me like I was a non person for 4 months, no communcation, no nothing . She messaged me the other week asking for us to do the divorce with out a lawyer and I told her NO! I told her the reasons why, about how she wouldn't talk to me for 4 months, and how untrustworthy she has become and the fact that I don't trust she would negotiate in good faith. So as I said before, becasue I want a lawyer involved she is telling me she is going to go after everything I have, to recoup her losses.

[undersc0re]

Sounds like she is going to play games and take you for everything anyways….I would get a lawyer in this scenario, explain the situation and the way she is and I am sure he will tell you the best way to go at it.

[rockscan]

This is a terrible situation and I am sorry you are going through it. Right now you need to take a deep breath and remember that you are not the person she says you are.

You should speak to a lawyer for an initial consult on what she is entitled to. If there are no kids then spousal is dependent on several factors and she will have to prove need for it. A lawyer will be able to help you with that. I strongly recommend doing a search in this forum on spousal support to get an idea of what is normal and what to look for. Do that in advance of your meeting with a lawyer.

If there are no kids then the good news is you can move and start somewhere else. No people who believe your ex or her lies. Start working through your info and where you want to be when this is over.

[hrobins]

There are no kids. Little bit of more info, She has a pension from ICBC. She owns over 40,000 dollars to CRA thanks to her father.

[noteasy]

I responded to your other post but this one has more. You are stressed. Based on your post this is what I know about your STBX

1. They are a borderline personality but that doesn't matter unless she is diagnosed. It is a messy road to go down with a low payoff.
2. They absolutely will continue to manipulate you and others.
3. They will absolutely lie in the papers they file with the court as they know they won't go after her for perjury.

4. Forget your friends and church etc. Deny all of that but if you try to fight that stuff it will drain you and your ex might just be that good at manipulation. Screw them you don't need to need them anyways if they are so judgmental.
5. Forget her, she is a bad thing you need to stay away from.

6. Forget that you are now paying more for rent etc. Doesn't matter in court you have to move on.
7. Your ex is baiting you into filing, trying to make you angry. Don't file with anger, keep it very plain without all these things that you put in your post here.
8. File with a lawyer telling you what to put in the the court papers, she is baiting you into making a bad initial filing. You need a lawyer to tell you the law and give advice, she definitely will have one.

9. Ignore her. Keep it all in paperwork, maybe you bait her into sending you more hostile emails because she can't control herself. Do not react to her, do not meet her. NEVER ASK HER FOR A FAVOUR and NEVER DO ONE FOR HER. Your best hope is that she gets bored and moves on. She will try and manipulate her way back into engaging her. Just don't.

10. See your doctor, taking anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds will suck but will help you. You are rattled. Strenuous walks /exercise are good. She wont let this end quickly or easily. If she does you dodged a bullet most don't

Being realistic as you should be realize that others don't know who the manipulative one of you two are. You work and she doesn't that helps you a lot.

Kids make this a whole different mess.
Cops are there to avoid issues, they will lie and bully you just to keep things quiet or easy including taking your cat, to them it is just a cat or maybe they know she is going to take it anyways.

You definitely need a lawyer on the finances. That 40K debt may or may not be yours.

[noteasy]

Didn't you go through something nasty about a decade ago?
Is this the same person?

[hrobins]

noteasy this is my second marriage, didn't learn my lesson the first time.

[hrobins]

I responded to your other post but this one has more. You are stressed. Based on your post this is what I know about your STBX

1. They are a borderline personality but that doesn't matter unless she is diagnosed. It is a messy road to go down with a low payoff.
2. They absolutely will continue to manipulate you and others.
3. They will absolutely lie in the papers they file with the court as they know they won't go after her for perjury.

4. Forget your friends and church etc. Deny all of that but if you try to fight that stuff it will drain you and your ex might just be that good at manipulation. Screw them you don't need to need them anyways if they are so judgmental.
5. Forget her, she is a bad thing you need to stay away from.

6. Forget that you are now paying more for rent etc. Doesn't matter in court you have to move on.
7. Your ex is baiting you into filing, trying to make you angry. Don't file with anger, keep it very plain without all these things that you put in your post here.
8. File with a lawyer telling you what to put in the the court papers, she is baiting you into making a bad initial filing. You need a lawyer to tell you the law and give advice, she definitely will have one.

9. Ignore her. Keep it all in paperwork, maybe you bait her into sending you more hostile emails because she can't control herself. Do not react to her, do not meet her. NEVER ASK HER FOR A FAVOUR and NEVER DO ONE FOR HER. Your best hope is that she gets bored and moves on. She will try and manipulate her way back into engaging her. Just don't.

10. See your doctor, taking anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds will suck but will help you. You are rattled. Strenuous walks /exercise are good. She wont let this end quickly or easily. If she does you dodged a bullet most don't

Being realistic as you should be realize that others don't know who the manipulative one of you two are. You work and she doesn't that helps you a lot.

Kids make this a whole different mess.
Cops are there to avoid issues, they will lie and bully you just to keep things quiet or easy including taking your cat, to them it is just a cat or maybe they know she is going to take it anyways.

You definitely need a lawyer on the finances. That 40K debt may or may not be yours.

The 40k debt is hers, her dad use to own a company and she was working for him. Her dad gave her some stock in the company to sell in her name and give the money to the company. She was told by her dad, that the company would pay for the taxes but never did. The company went out of bussiness and her dad refused to pay the tax bill, and she got stuck with it. It's her debt and not mine. I have been taking anti-anxiety meds because I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder or GAD for short. What is she is doing is making my GAD go nuts.
About having to pay more for rent, etc I won't have any money to pay spousal support and she knows it. She has it in her head that I make more money then her, however she has never let me see any of her tax returns even when we were married.
I have a student loan that I am still paying off, I have credit card debt(She ran up the credit card before she left. Its under my name, so i am stuck with it.), to pay off. i am having to eat one meal a day becasue I can't afford to eat any more then that. Now, I have to figure out how to pay a lawyer. I am not telling you guys this to ask for anything, I am just venting because I am seriously stressed out.

[blinkandimgone]

I responded to your other post but this one has more. You are stressed. Based on your post this is what I know about your STBX

1. They are a borderline personality but that doesn't matter unless she is diagnosed. It is a messy road to go down with a low payoff.
2. They absolutely will continue to manipulate you and others.
3. They will absolutely lie in the papers they file with the court as they know they won't go after her for perjury.

4. Forget your friends and church etc. Deny all of that but if you try to fight that stuff it will drain you and your ex might just be that good at manipulation. Screw them you don't need to need them anyways if they are so judgmental.
5. Forget her, she is a bad thing you need to stay away from.

6. Forget that you are now paying more for rent etc. Doesn't matter in court you have to move on.
7. Your ex is baiting you into filing, trying to make you angry. Don't file with anger, keep it very plain without all these things that you put in your post here.
8. File with a lawyer telling you what to put in the the court papers, she is baiting you into making a bad initial filing. You need a lawyer to tell you the law and give advice, she definitely will have one.

9. Ignore her. Keep it all in paperwork, maybe you bait her into sending you more hostile emails because she can't control herself. Do not react to her, do not meet her. NEVER ASK HER FOR A FAVOUR and NEVER DO ONE FOR HER. Your best hope is that she gets bored and moves on. She will try and manipulate her way back into engaging her. Just don't.

10. See your doctor, taking anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds will suck but will help you. You are rattled. Strenuous walks /exercise are good. She wont let this end quickly or easily. If she does you dodged a bullet most don't

Being realistic as you should be realize that others don't know who the manipulative one of you two are. You work and she doesn't that helps you a lot.

Kids make this a whole different mess.
Cops are there to avoid issues, they will lie and bully you just to keep things quiet or easy including taking your cat, to them it is just a cat or maybe they know she is going to take it anyways.

You definitely need a lawyer on the finances. That 40K debt may or may not be yours.

Ignore all of this. About the only valuable piece in here is to get a lawyer.


I'm sorry you're going through this. Try to separate the emotional side from the business side and stay focused on the business part of things.

Anyone who knows you won't take someone else's word as to who you are. If they do, they aren't your people and it's not worth the energy to try and redeem yourself in the eyes of people who don't matter.

You have two main things to focus on:

1- business: get your financials together, see a lawyer and get the process started. How she wants to proceed is irrelevant. If she wanted to proceed without lawyers, she would have initiated the process. She can choose to get a lawyer if she wants, or self-rep. This changes nothing for you. Move forward with getting this resolved.

2- self care: move away from the people who aren't supporting you, find new people. Find a therapist to talk to so you're not exhausting your support system. Stop communicating with the ex, push all communications to email and use filters to file them so you only see those emails when you want to. Only reply to anything that requires a reply. Since you have no children and don't live together, this should be pretty much nothing. Turn off notifications for those emails. Block her number from your phone.

[hrobins]

Ignore all of this. About the only valuable piece in here is to get a lawyer.


I'm sorry you're going through this. Try to separate the emotional side from the business side and stay focused on the business part of things.

Anyone who knows you won't take someone else's word as to who you are. If they do, they aren't your people and it's not worth the energy to try and redeem yourself in the eyes of people who don't matter.

You have two main things to focus on:

1- business: get your financials together, see a lawyer and get the process started. How she wants to proceed is irrelevant. If she wanted to proceed without lawyers, she would have initiated the process. She can choose to get a lawyer if she wants, or self-rep. This changes nothing for you. Move forward with getting this resolved.

2- self care: move away from the people who aren't supporting you, find new people. Find a therapist to talk to so you're not exhausting your support system. Stop communicating with the ex, push all communications to email and use filters to file them so you only see those emails when you want to. Only reply to anything that requires a reply. Since you have no children and don't live together, this should be pretty much nothing. Turn off notifications for those emails. Block her number from your phone.

Thanks for the reply, its very hard right now to seperate the emotional from the business right now. However, I did in prepation get my advisor for my LIRA to get all the paperwork ready to send a lawyer. I got all the documents I needed ahead of time, waiting for her to file.

I have already stop communicate with the ex, told her that I would not response to any emails unless they were from her Lawyer. She is blocked in my phone.

[noteasy]

Ignore all of this. About the only valuable piece in here is to get a lawyer.

So you say ignore it all then give the much of same advice or close to it later on in the same post.

2- self care: move away from the people who aren't supporting you, find new people. Find a therapist to talk to so you're not exhausting your support system. Stop communicating with the ex, push all communications to email and use filters to file them so you only see those emails when you want to. Only reply to anything that requires a reply. Since you have no children and don't live together, this should be pretty much nothing. Turn off notifications for those emails. Block her number from your phone.

You also forgot to address what to expect from the other person going forward. They 100% are manipulative and likely have no issues with lying to anyone including a judge. He should be prepared for that feeling.

[StillPaying]

I have already stop communicate with the ex, told her that I would not response to any emails unless they were from her Lawyer. She is blocked in my phone.

Don't ignore someone you're in litigation with or refuse communication unless through lawyer.

If you want a lawyer, fine; but it's not necessary. Exchanging material is.

[noteasy]

Don't ignore someone you're in litigation with or refuse communication unless through lawyer.
If you want a lawyer, fine; but it's not necessary. Exchanging material is.

A lawyer is definitely necessary but that lawyer does not have to represent them.
They would be crazy to have an agreement reached without knowing the law on how the assets are to be split.

Agreed that if the other party is self-representing they definitely can't ignore them but if either side has a lawyer why can't they ignore them?

Funny how no one has mentioned mediation. I don't know if the other party would be up for that.

[blinkandimgone]

Don't ignore someone you're in litigation with or refuse communication unless through lawyer.

If you want a lawyer, fine; but it's not necessary. Exchanging material is.

This.

She's not obligated to have a lawyer. If you choose to, which you should, then her communications about the divorce should be to and from your lawyer. If she emails items to you, forward them to your lawyer and remind her that anything requested by your lawyer should be sent to your lawyer.

If you choose not to have a lawyer, you will need to navigate which communicationw to respond to because you will need to exchange information.

This is the 'only respond to things that need a response' part.