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  • Manipulation?

    After a 2 1/2 year separation, I told my stbx that I wanted a divorce. He got very upset, and told me I had blindsided him, then left. The last few days, he's been acting super-nice, wanting to come over, asking how I am, etc.
    He is very controlling, and it was extremely hard to detach from him (I bought a condo when I left.)
    I am not a very assertive person, but I need some support that will help me to stand my ground with him. I asked him to meet me today, and will be seeing him this afternoon. I intend to reiterate my intention to start divorce proceedings. I get butterflies in my stomach every time I think of it!
    Our children are adults, so although they must be kept in the loop as to what is going on, there are no custody issues, thank God.
    Any words of wisdom or advice would be of great help.

  • #2
    Make sure you meet him in a public place. Although I'm not sure why you need to meet with him at all. You've been separated for over a year, you can certainly file for a divorce without his approval (although he may contest it).

    Make a list of what you want to talk about, whatever issues there are you need to sort out, even a list of why you need the marriage over. This will help you stay focused on the issues. Don't make any personal attacks, judgements etc.

    Do not allow him to make threats and if you feel threatened in any way leave. Don't allow the conversation to be sidetracked. Keep on point. If possible record the conversation.

    Keep strong. You want out for a reason. You have a right to be happy. You can do this!


    • #3
      Thank you

      Thank you for your words of encouragement- sometimes being in the midst of a situation makes a person blind to what's really going on. I figure I have to change the dance- what you said about writing down everything makes perfect sense. Dealing with people who take up a lot of psychological space takes guts and determination, two things that seem to just wilt within me when I see him. But this will be the last time I meet with him until our lawyers are involved.
      I know it sounds trite, but I thought of saying a kind of mantra to myself for courage in the coming weeks and months- "I am strong and capable".


      • #4
        You've let him know - it's up to him to man up and accept it. I wouldn't have a bunch of face-to-face consults to leave yourself open to arguments and/or manipulation. You're separated. You want to move on. You've told him you are going to start proceedings. I would just file the papers and be done with it.

        I don't see how someone could feel "blindsided" about divorce proceedings after such a long separation. I mean dude - TAKE A HINT.


        • #5
          I know your feelings all too well. Why he came back all nicey nice is that he figures that he can get away with it. Just stand your ground in the future he will get it some day. But in the meantime I know it is not easy. each day that you do you will get better and stronger and much more able to stand up to him. I went thru the same. But by talking with whom ever you can helps a great deal. Always remind yourself that you are worth it and deserve to be happy.


          • #6
            I too think that there is no need to meet with your ex. My ex is a manipulator too and I know that everytime he engages me in conversation he tries to manipulate me and control me through fear and threats. Exes know how to push your buttons. If there is something you need to say to him I would suggest e-mail or a letter. Just make sure that you proof it carefully and you don't get emotional in it. It can be used against you down the line.


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