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Odd Behaviour ...

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  • Odd Behaviour ...

    Brief history, married almost 17yrs, together 19yrs. Have 2 kids 14 and 10 - both boys. Like most had more than our share of ups and downs. Wife has been emotionally abusive for more than 5 years and manipulative for almost all of it. I never saw it. I just thought I wasn't doing my best and kept trying to make her happy - never worked (I'm sure that's shocking). She has been a very jealous person, she always compared herself to many of my ex girlfriends. Would get furious if I mentioned another woman, even if just in passing as someone from work did this or that idle conversation... Went through my personal email account, managed to access my work account because I left it open accidently. Had multiple conversations I wasn't happy, listed the reasons fell on deaf ears. On two separate occasions, I suggested we separate but never followed through with it. These are just a few things I could go on and on but won't.

    In the fall of 2018 a light bulb went off, I saw all the emotional abuse and manipulation she had been doing. I thought long and hard and felt in my gut, it was the right thing to do. I told her in January and she was obviously upset and asked for a second chance. I held my ground. She'd get mad, or she'd get sad. I get hammered with text messages while at work for being very selfish with guilt trips laid on me about the kids or all of my past wrongs that she said she got past but never really did since they could be brought up at almost anytime, (vacations, during a dinner out or some idle Tuesday at 2pm). I've purposely progressed slowly as I have virtually zero in ways of a support network. No family close and not many friends as they seem to have drifted away. Not sure if that's related or not....

    So I started to fell like things for moving forward and she was accepting the inevitable, mediator set for today. Things were tense and a few massive flare ups. But most conversations were focused on the kids or some random thing.

    Last night threw me for a loop. I got home she was pleasant as punch, had dinner sat and talked very friendly. I have no idea what's she's doing now. My mind thinks this is all part of her manipulation games. And Ill be honest after one night I was questioning if my decision is correct and everything I've thought and felt is wrong....

    She's also stopped wearing her wedding ring. I was hoping that means she's accepted this and begun to move on.

    Anyone ever experience this or have any thoughts on it?

    I'd appreciate any insight you may have

  • #2
    I've gone through something, almost the same (except my ex didn't have a jealous side). I thought very much the same as you did in the beginning. She would flare up, within ear shot of the children. I blew it off because I left her (and not for another... just myself). Please be extra cautious! This quickly turned into my children turning against me. Throwing hurtful comments, because my ex involved them in everything (with her twist of course). She also tried to manipulate following some time, but quickly became a scorned woman when she saw that I wasn't coming back. My word of caution is to be careful. Anything you send to your ex could be shown to your kids and may be twisted against you. Best of luck!


    • #3
      First off- I'm sorry you're going through this- and have been going through this. Especially if you're isolated away from friends or family.

      The things you said do sound like emotional and probably verbal abuse. But also remember people on here are going to be skeptical because we're only getting one side of the story.

      Do you have the means to see a counselor or therapist? If not- many employee assistance plans have access to therapists and counsellors and the fees are covered by your workplace insurance.

      Also- time to get your ducks lined up. Have you been to a lawyer yet? You don't need to go in an plunk down $5K as a retainer. Any good family practitioner will charge you a nominal fee for an intake consultation. If they don't charge you anything- be wary.

      You need to start getting things ready in case everything goes sour.


      • #4
        Thanks, and I fully aware there is only one side. I'll never suggest im an angel nor that I didn't play a hand in the end of the marriage. I've atoned for my sins as best I can. The running score card and constant reminders of them when seen fit created a huge problem. I have no problem accepting responsibility and apologizing and doing my best to turn them around. But the decade plus of hearing about them at the drop of a hat compounded with all the other stuff is too much for me to continue with.


        • #5
          Originally posted by EAHusband View Post
          The running score card and constant reminders of them when seen fit ...
          I feel for you.

          There's no better way to ensure the destruction of a relationship than to keep a running scorecard of past sins. Over time, the list can only get longer until it destroys the marriage.

          I have no idea why more people don't realize this.


          • #6
            The strange behaviour has reoccurred. So we have had a few massive arguments. Basically rehashing everything I didn't want to go down that road but kept stuff kept being brought up. Then like 3 days ago.... total 180, very nice pleasant to talk to.
            No issues being brought up that said also no discussion on moving forward either. Just talking like friends would talk.

            Im not sure what to think about what is going on, like if this is her beginning to accept it or if she thinks by being nice it would put an end to the divorce. or is this just the calm before the storm.

            I guess there could be 1000 things.

            This again has thrown me for a loop

            Anyone experience anything like this?


            • #7
              Originally posted by EAHusband View Post
              Anyone experience anything like this?
              *raises hand* here! here!

              Likely some mental condition in there. Mine went from threatening to kill herself if I didn't give her a second chance, to having dinner with us when she came to visit the kids. We were even house and furniture shopping with her to help her out a bit. And then the storm happened. She assaulted me at my workplace in front of witnesses... and released under no contact conditions. We were even talking to lawyers to get a separation agreement going but this was a bit one-sided. Google "borderline personality disorder divorce". I feel like I have to negotiate with a terrorist..

              Things can go bad fast so cover your ass. Record what you need, keep emails and whatnot.


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