Any happy endings?

[rockscan]

Ya my radar was up. Especially with a lot of the mess this week between him and the ex. Thing is though, his friend and his wife had some issues through their marriage too. Plus my partner was "shamed" by a lot of the neighbours and people at their church. That really affected his well being. I can understand the difficulties people have when their friends split up. My partner is also responsible for his part in the distance. I know he moved away and went into hiding emotionally. He felt like he failed and was embarrassed. But he needs to take back elements of his life including his relationships. He got divorced, hes not an axe murderer, he didnt kill a child, he doesnt need to be ostracized.

We'll be seeing these friends in the fall. I already warned him Im not comfortable at this point and my spidey senses are up. Plus how kid is about his other friends has me on edge about this. He and his friends are able to be mature. If his ex needs her kid to defend her then shes got a problem. But my partner worries about hurting his kids feelings. I reminded him they dont care how he feels and as his therapist said, he cant stop living his life because someone doesnt like it.

[arabian]

Fickle friends perhaps?

Some people have a strange reaction when a close couple/friends divorce. They distance themselves because they are afraid the same thing might happen to them in their marriage. Others simply don't want to be involved and be left to pick sides.

I hope, in your situation Rockscan, that these so-called friends who have emerged from under the rocks so-to-speak are sincere. I'd keep my fickle-friend radar alert in the event that they are pawns for the ex.

IMO true friends don't 'dump' friends merely because they are going through a divorce...

[rockscan]

An interesting thing happened last night. My partner got a call from an old friend who knew him before he got married. These two were very close through school and the two of them and their wives/kids became intertwined and then when the divorce happened they didnt speak. My partner has been telling me for about a year now that he doesnt understand what happened. Kept saying he wishes he could have the strength to call him up and chat but my partner has been worried he would be shamed by this friend. The couple are godparents to his one child and he and his ex are godparents to one of their kids. The friend and his family live in the same town as the school his kid attends and looked out for her while at school. Every Time kid would mention them, my partner would get sad but agreed sometimes divorce destroys friendships.

Funny thing though, it doesnt seem to have done that. Now Im not really trusting this week. The ex has been on a tear because her financial floor is about to fall out under her and shes been manipulating him and lying. Also found out the kids are being bombarded by lies from other members of the family so when the call came in I was worried it was a fact finding mission. Ill give him the benefit of the doubt for now.

My partner spent 10 minutes before the call panicking but finally called him back with me sitting there holding his hand at first. He shook for the first 20 minutes of the call. His friend had asked the ex for his number months ago and didn't have the courage to call. The convo was about 40 minutes long and they agreed to get together when we're in town in the fall. My partner finally had some answers about what happened with their friendship.

This is one of those happy endings. You dont just lose your marriage, your life, your kids, your finances etc. you also lose friends. His friend told him they knew a long time ago how bad the marriage was. He was just as upset that they stopped speaking as my partner. He was shocked at the fact that my partner had been a serious car accident that was the beginning of the end ("she told us it was a fender bender that made you crazy"). He couldnt believe the issues my partner was having ("but youre such a devoted dad, I dont get it").

I have to give my partner credit though. He never said one negative thing about his ex. Talked about how all he wanted was for all of them to be happy since it was obvious he was causing them grief. That he only wants them to move on and live the lives they wanted. That he hopes his kids will come around one day but until then could his friend just look out for them and make sure theyre ok. I was pretty proud of him.

So we'll see about this happy ending. He felt ok after. Didnt sleep well. Hes also worried how his oldest kid will take it since shes pissed his other two friends kept talking to him after "im mad at them for taking your side". Kids and some adults fail to see that someone can still be friends and not be involved in the drama. Plus, many of these people were his friends before the marriage, hes not friends with his ex's friends.

[arabian]

You might find this case to be an interesting read:

https://www.canlii.org/en/yk/yksc/do...015yksc15.html

[piggybanktoex]

Details that changed over the years and that, in the end, changed nothing.

Due to my business and income, support and equity was everything for 10 years, during which I would have had to sell out my remaining equity to live. Ergo, complete ruin while she became a millionaire......doesn't seem quite right.

So it was not a fight over nothing, I was fighting for my livelihood and the right to actually kept what I earned (while paying a support payment of $100K+/year and the house). And to be able to take care of my (our) kids.

Seriously, marriage doesn't make you a business partner (there are some exceptions, of course). Nor should someone's career be able to be destroyed by divorce.

Sometimes unfair is just unfair.

I think finding out about my minor heart attack may have triggered some deep and completely appropriate bitterness toward my ex.

[arabian]

Taxpayers don't have to pick up any tab. You know why? cos every grown man and woman, have a duty to be self sufficient i.e. get of their @$$ and seek employment no matter how small the pay.

Oh, it also has to do with having some self esteem. Deciding to have kids and staying home, will never be a "job". I mean if it was a job, people will be paying taxes to CRA.

Um, if someone has no income (employment, support or otherwise) they have to appeal to the government for assistance. That is the reality and yes taxpayers pay to fund the government & programs such as your Ontario Works.

[arabian]

check out the posters previous posts (going back to 2010). In 2010 he posted his experience "nearly cost him his job" but now it seems it has morphed to him offering her a 6-figure income for 20 years and a home but she refused and it ended up costing him his business.

From 2010:

"My ex put me through a living hell for almost three years that nearly cost me my job, my income, my future, and my health.

Every possible issue, roadblock, lie, whining, accusation, and cost was thrown at me.

And apparently, all in the name of family law and equality.

I will never, ever, let myself be put into a position like this again, ever."

We all know that in divorce, nobody is a winner. Least of all the children. If the OP now states he lost his livelihood (now it is a business rather than an income) then there are many details he has opted to leave out over the past 5 years. I would posit a guess that his litigation did not end in 2010 rather continued on?

Fighting over the "spoils" of the marriage, when equalization laws are very specific, is often futile. There exists much case law where equalization does indeed divvy up family-owned businesses. I would hope that a competent lawyer would not tell his/her client that business assets are excluded from equalization. Some people have a difficult time accepting this and instead of negotiating they fight to the end until all the money is gone and then play the blame game. It takes 2 to tangle in family court litigation. Often one's "perception" of unfairness in equalization is simply inaccurate.

[serendipitous]

Taxpayers don't have to pick up any tab. You know why? cos every grown man and woman, have a duty to be self sufficient i.e. get of their @$$ and seek employment no matter how small the pay.

Oh, it also has to do with having some self esteem. Deciding to have kids and staying home, will never be a "job". I mean if it was a job, people will be paying taxes to CRA.

It is for this very reason that the laws exist. Leaving your ex "high and dry" would make her the responsibility of the taxpayer. Why should taxpayers's pay?

Seems to me (by taking a cursory glance at your previous posts for past 5 years in which you mention in 2010 you been through a 3 year battle) you have tried your very best to object to your ex receiving anything. Lawyers have likely been the only true winners in your case.

Hope you can find some peace and are able to now move on with your life. You posted just last February that you have a new woman in your life, were able to keep some assets and there is a possibility of an inheritance. Many people (such as myself) were totally and absolutely wiped out by their divorce. If you don't want another heart attack perhaps you have to compartmentalize things and look to the future, which for you, seems not too bad at all.

[piggybanktoex]

rant on

Actually, I was trying to prevent her from getting everything.

My offer of the paid house and 6 figures a year for 20 years (far out stripping her career chances) wasn't good enough. She wanted it all, support and equity of a business that she had no part of creating.

Under Family Law, I could have lost everything for a decade, which would of amounted to everything forever.

She would get everything. No compromise until other greed people queered her deal. Either way I got shafted after a lifetime of hard work.

That's why I'm bitter.

I had the prefect business and she f#@ked it up for everyone, including herself and our kids.

Greedy bitch and unfair law. Period.

I have moved on, to a great degree, but having one's career and EARNED lifestyle destroyed though greed on several fronts feels a lousy taste in one's mouth.

Regardless of my present conditions. It could of been worst, but Lord, it could of been a lot better for me and our kids.

I wasn't trying to leave her "high & dry", but after the smoke cleared and I surveyed the wreckage of my life, YEAH, f#@k her.

rant off

[arabian]

Oh and as icing on the s&#t cake.......seems that I suffered a minor heart attack sometime during the whole uncoupling process.

Some things / actions are just unforgivable, especially when it is tied to "entitlement" greed.

Quite frankly, if it were "her" money, it wouldn't be in "my" bank account.

If I could leave her high and dry without upsetting the kids, I would do it in a flash.

But God forbid this grown woman should support herself by getting a job. Disgusting!

It is for this very reason that the laws exist. Leaving your ex "high and dry" would make her the responsibility of the taxpayer. Why should taxpayers's pay?

Seems to me (by taking a cursory glance at your previous posts for past 5 years in which you mention in 2010 you been through a 3 year battle) you have tried your very best to object to your ex receiving anything. Lawyers have likely been the only true winners in your case.

Hope you can find some peace and are able to now move on with your life. You posted just last February that you have a new woman in your life, were able to keep some assets and there is a possibility of an inheritance. Many people (such as myself) were totally and absolutely wiped out by their divorce. If you don't want another heart attack perhaps you have to compartmentalize things and look to the future, which for you, seems not too bad at all.

[piggybanktoex]

Oh and as icing on the s&#t cake.......seems that I suffered a minor heart attack sometime during the whole uncoupling process.

Some things / actions are just unforgivable, especially when it is tied to "entitlement" greed.

Quite frankly, if it were "her" money, it wouldn't be in "my" bank account.

If I could leave her high and dry without upsetting the kids, I would do it in a flash.

But God forbid this grown woman should support herself by getting a job. Disgusting!

[78qw12zx]

Yes, a happy ending is possible. Am not yet retired but am living on a retirement-level income, but it's okay. Have met a wonderful woman who loves me for who I am, not for what I can provide. The legal stuff seemed to go on forever but now it's all done. Am I happier now? Yes, absolutely.

[FirstTimer]

Nicely written.

I'm in what I consider a happy ending. Others may differ.

I am no longer being lied to and used by the person who is supposed to cherish me the most.

I am no longer making excuses to my children for their father's absence.

I am no longer looking after the equivalent of a sulky teenager instead of an adult husband who is supposed to pull his own weight.

I am free to make my own choices about anything without having to be accountable to a person with no flexibility.

My income is no longer being drained so he can pursue fleeting hobbies and whims, most notably his mistress.

I am now able to do things with the children without having to harass their father to participate.

My children are happy and well-adjusted, even if they only see their father once or twice a week.

My income tax refund is a lot bigger as a single mom!

In the interests of full disclosure, I do have down moments, of course. The single parenting gig is hard - the responsibility is ALL on me. I get no SS (I'm lucky not to pay it!) or CS or s7, so I work diligently at my job and make sure to have lots of savings in the event of job loss as I'm the only source of income. Even if I'm sick as a dog, there's no back up to help me look after the kids, and I still have to drag myself out of bed to make meals and ferry them around. I have little free time for my own pursuits and dating is pretty much out of the question - though I'm bored sometimes, I'm not lonely so it's not a personal priority. Anytime I'm down though, I just remind myself "This is so much better than being stabbed in the back by the person you trusted to protect you."

I also have to disclose that my ex is not of the cray-cray variety like most stories here. He's more absentee than vindictive. We settled through mediation without ever needing court. He was so thrilled to be able to go set up his love nest with the mistress that he agreed to pretty much everything I proposed.

I think the reason we see few 'happy endings' on here is that people with good break-ups don't need to seek out legal advice and don't find this website. And when they've received the information they needed and their matter is resolved, they don't always come back to tell us it turned out well.

I stumbled across ODF when I was trying to get second opinions on my lawyer's advice and googled some terminology. I've stayed years later because I feel I have something to offer from everything I've learned. And, yes, I admit it, seeing the horror stories makes me appreciate my situation all the more, and it keeps me from becoming one of 'those' exes myself. I was probably a few steps down the path of being vindictive when this site helped me realize how unproductive that was for my children.

If you were to talk to my ex about all this, I'm sure he'd moan at you that I was a bitch and got all the money, and most of the time with the children. Then he'd hop into bed with his mistress-now-common-law to forget his troubles instead of suggesting a change.

[joehobo]

True enough. At my age (56) it's divorced, widowed or the mama's boy looking for an older woman to take care of him.

Hot Damn! This is looking better and better for me.... I'm 54, and prior to my implosion, I was fairly active at the gym (martial arts, and some machine workouts). Once I knew I was going to be on the market again a few years ago, I've been at it hardcore. Free-weights, cycle-fit classes 4-5 times a week. I'm in far better physical and mental condition that many of my peers, and quite frankly my own self 30 years ago. And I also gently clean my ears regularly.

But I can see the appeal of going home to a place where it is all your space. I know I'm loving that.

[rockscan]

My reasons for not wanting to date a divorced person were mainly that I didnt want all the drama. The first five months were great. He was waiting to tell his kids until we were pretty solid and I agreed because I didnt want to add any issues with "is she our step mother" questions. He did have a lot of trust issues (A LOT) but those really werent as ugly as they became when we moved in together. His demons were more from being abandoned after a car accident (the beginning of the end for their marriage) and how she demeaned him throughout the marriage. Im very much a "do unto others" kind of person whereas she was a "what can you do for me" and he had a hard time letting go of that.

The drama with the kids came later due to their difficulty understanding how I fit in his life with them. Ex didnt really help matters either when she started undermining my relationship with him to the kids. I always said they were number 1 and took priority. The ex started playing games and encouraging the kids to question that loyalty and make them believe I was trying to be their mother. That bs was ridiculous and unfair to dad.

But aside from all that, we have a pretty good life. Hes happy. He looks at people he knows struggling in bad relationships and is happy hes gotten away from it. He says one stupid email a week is much better than daily fighting, sleeping on the couch, the silent treatment, obnoxious remarks in front of the kids or feeling like life is just horrible.