Mental Health Stats

[May_May]

The legal system in Ontario is a mess. It's a system that favours those with high conflict personalities, and bankrupts those who are trying to get what they are owed/deserved.
I'm wondering if anyone has any status on people going through divorce, and how many have committed suicide ? how many have contemplated ?

[Janibel]

I for one can tell you that the legal system in Quebec is just as messy - the problem is nationwide. Canada's divorce laws are outdated.
I don't have any stats to share with you, though as far as contemplating suicide, I'm certain many people have come close to that point. Divorce being one of life's most difficult challenges to face.

It poisons every aspect of an individuals life - their finances, their relationship with children and extended family, friends take sides, most ppl have to move, change jobs/find jobs ect.

Of course it reeks havoc with our health, leads to depression which sometimes leads to thoughts of suicide. Best thing to do is seek medical help and make the best of a horrible situation.

[mcdreamy]

May-May, I think there are many studies that indicate those in the process of divorce/separation have a higher rate of suicide. I can't think of any other life event where we are as consistently stressed and sad - it takes a toll on all of us.

It's key to have a strong support system for yourself. I had 3 or 4 friends who really stepped it up and were my rocks. They kept tabs on me, made sure to visit our new home regularly for dinners, playdates, etc. and kept me busy. I'm forever grateful.

Where are you now in the process? Has he not sold the mat home/disclosed yet? Ughhh.

[Links17]

Its mostly men that kill themselves.
-Lose your wife (sometimes betrayal)
-Lose your children
-Get Replaced
-Become an ATM
etc....

Its pretty sad....

For Women its can be like:
-Get a new boyfriend
-Get supported my ex-husband
-Stay unemployed as long as possible
-Get single mother props
-Get lots of child benefits and support
-rinse and repeat?

NOT ALL WOMEN, but for WOMEN it never gets that "BAD" because there are so many safety nets and systems to support.

[Janibel]

NOT ALL WOMEN, but for WOMEN it never gets that "BAD" because there are so many safety nets and systems to support.

It gets plenty bad for many women depending on their age and financial circumstances - the safety nets you mention are out there and are about as efficient as the legal system . It's not perfect but it's all we have ...

Regardless of divorce, males have a higher percentage of suicides 3 to 1 according to this study:

Men’s Suicide Rate is 3 Times That of Women | Psych Central News

[OntarioMomma]

Its mostly men that kill themselves.
-Lose your wife (sometimes betrayal)
-Lose your children
-Get Replaced
-Become an ATM
etc....

Its pretty sad....

For Women its can be like:
-Get a new boyfriend
-Get supported my ex-husband
-Stay unemployed as long as possible
-Get single mother props
-Get lots of child benefits and support
-rinse and repeat?

NOT ALL WOMEN, but for WOMEN it never gets that "BAD" because there are so many safety nets and systems to support.

Oh boy Links, you're not the only one who got screwed, and it's not always crazy women like you seem to think.

Sometimes it's like this too.

- man cheats
- man moves away from children
- man refuses to pay child support
- man stops using access to children

I have no stats but in divorce no one wins, everyone loses.
Most importantly the kids.

[movingON1975]

I hate to even say this, BUT when I read in the news about a man offing his wife during a divorce, I wonder why it doesn't happen more often....

Of course it's not right, but when someone is in a altered state of mind, anything is possible....

[movingON1975]

Oh boy Links, you're not the only one who got screwed, and it's not always crazy women like you seem to think.

Sometimes it's like this too.

- man cheats
- man moves away from children
- man refuses to pay child support
- man stops using access to children

I have no stats but in divorce no one wins, everyone loses.
Most importantly the kids.

Or even better, is when a woman does all of the above...

[Rioe]

I hate to even say this, BUT when I read in the news about a man offing his wife during a divorce, I wonder why it doesn't happen more often....

Of course it's not right, but when someone is in a altered state of mind, anything is possible....

It does happen more often than you think; it just doesn't always make the news. Of course, my job gives me some availability bias.

I've heard that the top two sources of stress are death of a spouse and divorce. I think it's perfectly understandable that they are the top two, because both involve the loss of a person's main emotional support in dealing with stress. I've always been confused about why they aren't in the other order though. When a spouse dies, all friends and both families rally around to support the survivor, there's lots of sympathy, an insurance payout, etc. When a spouse leaves, the money is divided, the friends and families are divided, and depending on the circumstances, often those who remain aren't entirely supportive because they blame you for the relationship breakdown. I suppose the emotional circumstances around divorces are various enough that on average, they rank lower than a death. Personally, I believe I would have coped much better with the stress of my ex dying than I did with his cheating and lying and abandoning.

And some related thoughts/opinions:

In stressful times, men more often react with aggression and women more often react with depression. Suicide in men strikes me as an expression of aggression turned on themselves, and probably in some ways as a perceived form of punishment against their ex. Men commit suicide when they have everything (children) taken away and have nothing left to live for. Maybe women do not commit suicide nearly as often because their children are not usually taken away - they may remain depressed, but they do not have that same overwhelming sense of loss and they still have responsibilities.

[Links17]

Oh boy Links, you're not the only one who got screwed, and it's not always crazy women like you seem to think.

Sometimes it's like this too.

- man cheats
- man moves away from children
- man refuses to pay child support
- man stops using access to children

I have no stats but in divorce no one wins, everyone loses.
Most importantly the kids.

When this occurs the system is "not working as intended". Enforcement of child support pretty much escalates up to but not including the death penalty and if you want to evade your responsibilities you pretty much have to destroy your life.

In your scenario the man still loses his children who will grow up to hate him and invariably he will want contact with them again in the future.

The scenario I am putting forward is "business as usual".

[Janibel]

In stressful times, men more often react with aggression and women more often react with depression. Suicide in men strikes me as an expression of aggression turned on themselves, and probably in some ways as a perceived form of punishment against their ex. Men commit suicide when they have everything (children) taken away and have nothing left to live for. Maybe women do not commit suicide nearly as often because their children are not usually taken away - they may remain depressed, but they do not have that same overwhelming sense of loss and they still have responsibilities.

True ^^^when men feel overwhelmed many will act out in negative ways. We read horror stories about men who will murder their Ex's, own children before committing suicide ... it's a rare thing for a woman take that direction.

Crown granted leave to appeal Guy Turcotte's bail - Montreal - CBC News

In the above case the father murdered his 2 small children, at trial he claimed that it was depression and suicidal thoughts brought on by divorce that led him to commit these acts. This person is a cardiologist who had plenty of access to medical support and the training to recognize that he was at risk of losing it ....

[Rioe]

True ^^^when men feel overwhelmed many will act out in negative ways. We read horror stories about men who will murder their Ex's, own children before committing suicide ... it's a rare thing for a woman take that direction.

Crown granted leave to appeal Guy Turcotte's bail - Montreal - CBC News

In the above case the father murdered his 2 small children, at trial he claimed that it was depression and suicidal thoughts brought on by divorce that led him to commit these acts. This person is a cardiologist who had plenty of access to medical support and the training to recognize that he was at risk of losing it ....

Logic goes completely out the window for people contemplating suicide. Depression and stress blind people from even seeing solutions, much less putting in effort to find them and implement them. In my limited experience, I've seen a rationale for suicide to be "I've got nothing to live for and I'm making everyone around me miserable, so they would be better off if I was dead." Unfortunately, the rationale for a man's murder-suicide is often either "This woman does not deserve to live so I'm going to kill her, but no child should lose their mother so the child is better off dead, and then I will have nothing to live for, so I'll end by killing myself," or "I'm going to kill myself anyway, so I'll escape any punishment for killing the woman I hate first, and then the children will be better off dead than orphans." The rare women who act out similarly usually skip the murder of the ex-husband, but do kill the children first because when they have decided to kill themselves, they believe that the children are better off dead than mother-less.

To a non-depressed person, it's completely unfathomable. To a depressed and suicidal person, their death is the only positive outcome they can see. A suicidal person often sees their own death as much a benefit to their survivors as they do an escape for themselves. While they even understand that their families will be devastated by the suicide, they believe that overall, the pain will be temporary and less harmful overall to them than a lifetime of dealing with the depressed person. A depressed person cannot internalize that people love them anymore, and believe they must be a burden to their family members that they want to relieve them of.

Unless you've suffered depression or even just skirted the edges of it, it's hard to understand the 'thinking,' but overall the common theme is that they believe that the world will be a better place without them and the target of their rage, and the children are better off dead too instead of having to deal with the aftermath.

[Pursuinghappiness]

The legal system in Ontario is a mess. It's a system that favours those with high conflict personalities, and bankrupts those who are trying to get what they are owed/deserved.
I'm wondering if anyone has any status on people going through divorce, and how many have committed suicide ? how many have contemplated ?

I actually don't necessarily agree with this statement.

I think that people with high-conflict personalities often get away with nothing in family court.

I don't think people give judges enough credit. They've heard all the bullcrap and all of the ones I had did an excellent job of filtering out the nonsense and drilling down on the point to drive us to settlement.

I think people that bring fraudulent, hysterical, blathering nonsense to court often end up ticking off the judge and getting their ass handed to them.

When it gets messy is when the other litigant deals with an HC by resorting to the same stupid tactics. By keeping a level head, presenting evidence, and rising above the crap, a lot of litigants do very well. I did and so did people like FB and WorkingDad. Frankly, my experience through the divorce system wasn't negative at all. I had an excellent, level-headed, comparatively inexpensive lawyer who gave me great advice. I had excellent, smart judges who made fair decisions. I had a wonderful custody evaluator who listened to me and more importantly, listened to my kid. And although it took a long time and I had to make compromises, things worked out fine.

Divorce can be a positive thing and for a lot of people, even when its expensive, its worth every penny. I can't say I ever once contemplated suicide in divorce or at any other time in my life. I've travelled to places where people have real problems...ie, women get forced into marriage/slavery and will never have the right to divorce, people who watch their kids starve to death or worry about bombs raining from the sky, people who have no freedom to vote or protest. Divorce is a 1st world problem...so is suicide.

[FightingForFamily]

According to statistics often mentioned by Dr Warren Farrell and others, during divorce men commit suicide at a rate 10 times higher than the average... but I would accept that 3 to 1 is a good overall average across life.

The problem is that men are less likely to share their problems with others (especially other men) and instead internalize them. They are not as good with emotions, don't know how to express them, and most men lack emotional support outside of their spouses (who are now their mortal enemies).

I do remember feeling so powerless and frustrated a few times that I wanted to drive my car into a wall, but it was a fleeting thought and nothing ever came of it.

As a man I have friends, many of them, but our friendships are about doing things together, common interests and hobbies and hanging out. Male friends generally do not get involved in the emotional problems of their other male friends.

Men have a hard time showing or admitting weakness and getting help. It took a lot for me to visit my family doctor and beg for antidepressants. Much to my horror, she refused to prescribe them and told me to "man up". She is no longer my doctor.

I had profound feelings of anger and sadness, but the part of divorce that finally drove me deep into depression and anxiety was being investigated for false allegations of child sexual abuse for nearly a year. I'm OK now but those feelings are always with me and can resurface when triggered.

[standing on the sidelines]

Or even better, is when a woman does all of the above...

you have got to be kidding?? So its not as bad when a man does the same thing?? It doesn't matter what sex does it. Its all bad.