High-Conflict People” (HCPs)

[mom2three]

• Because it is not a conscious process, HCPs don’t see their own behavior. If you confront them on their behavior (for example, say to them “you’re bad-mouthing me to the kids”), they will deny it vehemently and then attack you personally.

That is enlightening. It can apply to some on OD and helps me understand where the brain is. Not you personally Oink!

[caranna]

Great thread oink. I've been reading "You Can Read Anyone" and just came upon this quote: "The person most dangerous to others is the one with the big ego and little or no self esteem. The most dangerous to him (her) self is one with a diminished ego and little self esteem.

The first description fits stbx and the second is what I was but no-o-o-o longer!

P.S. The criteria you mention fits stbx to a "T" with the exception of divorce court. We haven't gone to court as yet but he wants to take me there. Also there are no young children involved.

[SomeGuy]

Good post Oink.... My situation to the letter

Now if someone could figure out a way to handle them without pushing us all towards bankruptcy the world would be a better place....

[Knave]

• Because it is not a conscious process, HCPs don’t see their own behavior. If you confront them on their behavior (for example, say to them “you’re bad-mouthing me to the kids”), they will deny it vehemently and then attack you personally.

I have had to deal with that exact situation. Ex is constantly bad-mouthing me to kids, and I used to think that she was just lying when she denied it, but lately I've come to realize that she believes her own lies. She lies about anything and everything, it is a bit weird, I'm often not sure how to deal with it. I used to call her on her lies, but there really isn't that much of a point when dealing with her type.

My hope is that my children will grow up to be smart enough to see past the propaganda. For a while I considered "fighting back", but I decided that it wouldn't be worth it. My ex might use the kids as pawns, but that doesn't mean that I have to do the same.

I just wish that the legal system didn't facilitate her nonsense.

[karmaseeker]

fire your lawyers. HCP's will play your lawyers like fiddles and you will foot the bill.

1. Read everything on HCP / Narcissism / BPD /and Sociopathy and or Psychopathy. Three are some great resources on line and in books. Great free movie is I am FISHEAD online. home / FisheadMovie
2. ALWAYS communicate via email. They will lie, change stories / and manipulate. get in the habit of email only is like laying traps. Be patient. They will reverse their stories and you will have proof.
3. Always keep your cool.
4. Be concise, clear, and stick to the facts. Never get emotional.
5. Take up boxing or another form of exercise to take your frustrations out.
6. Empathise wilth your kids - they have to live with the instability and craziness. Be a soft place for them to land. Reassure them that what they are feeling is ok, as they'll will begin to mistrust their own feelings.
7. Get support!!!

[FB_]

I've read it and I highly recommend others who say that this describes their ex.

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Amazon.ca: Bill Eddy, Randi Kreger: Books

I've just started reading this book to try and get an understanding of how my kids might see it. It is however NOT for children. I'm 10% through it and have learned enough already. It is expensive though

Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship

Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationshi: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship: Amazon.ca: Christine Ann Lawson: Books

[SomeGuy]

[QUOT=Knave;133985]

She lies about anything and everything, it is a bit weird, I'm often not sure how to deal with it. I used to call her on her lies, but there really isn't that much of a point when dealing with her type.

[/QUOTE]

Excellent post Knave.... nice to know we're not alone at least.

My own little slice of frustration is that her words and her actions never line up. She says all the right things in front of all the right people (judges, lawyers, mediators, kids, etc), then I alone have to deal with the reality of whatever tangent she flies off on

You hit the nail on the head.... there really isn't much of a point...

[mcdreamy]

I've noticed what I believe, in my uneducated opinion, several HCP's on OD... including the OP. Where oh where is Tayken for discussion when you need him?
A definition well worth reading, and perhaps reflecting on your own personal stances.

[hadenough]

My ex cannot negotiate on anything, ever. He would argue anything just for the purpose of being difficult. There is no point dealing with him, or people like him. He enjoys conflict, and the feeling of power and control.

He once revealed to me (when things really hit the rocks) that when things are calm, he purposely stirs the pot. Partly out of boredom and partly out of the inherent belief he has that nothing is forever. Major abandonment complex. A total psycho. I gave up long ago attempting to communicate with him on anything. Some good points raised above. It doesn't hurt to educate one's self on how best to deal with unreasonable people, if one must.

[Jeff]

Thread closed and personal attacks deleted. Personal attacks are grounds for banning - this is a first and last warning!