Forgiveness and getting rid of anger

[wretchedotis]

These type of things should be looked as an opportunity.

An opportunity to spend some time with your kids (whom we all love), and the 'enemy'.

There is no rule anywhere I have found that you cannot commiserate with the ex. I think if one can bring themself to do it, it might be very rewarding.

A chance to be reminded of the little things we have forgotten that made you laugh or smirk about the other person. How they always look a fool by chewing with their mouth open - or something similar.

Of course, you don't point it out in the moment. You just enjoy it, and remember why you're no longer together.

It's all about attitude people! What you put in is what you get out.

There is only one person that can make such an event intolerable. That responsability rests solely on each our own shoulders'.

[hadenough]

DTdad is right. It would be one night, and mean a lot to the child. Totally selfish and vindictive to not attend.

[DowntroddenDad]

2 years after this event, another child graduated high school and my ex. told her he would not sit in the same room and breath the same air as me. I can tell you this was very upsetting for her. We did attend and sit together at the ceremony and dinner, but I can tell you it was much more stressful for all.

Thats really sad and selfish of him.

[frustratedwithex]

About a year and a half after we separated, one of our children graduated high school.

Although my ex would not sit with me and our other children, even though we saved seats for him and the grandparents, after the ceremony we all gathered together to take pictures. I think in part because I approached him and his parents together with our children.

We were pleasant to each other, I spoke to his parents, my family spoke to him and his parents, we took pictures.

As we were getting ready to leave, my daughter took me aside and asked if it would be okay if her dad and the grandparents joined us for dinner. I said yes. She asked me to go over and invite them personally, I did, they accepted, and we all went out for dinner together. The kids seemed very relieved.

2 years after this event, another child graduated high school and my ex. told her he would not sit in the same room and breath the same air as me. I can tell you this was very upsetting for her. We did attend and sit together at the ceremony and dinner, but I can tell you it was much more stressful for all.

[DowntroddenDad]

Three months after separation, my middle daughter had an "adult" baptism. Now this was at a church where my ex was involved with long term, after leaving the church where I had a part time position. So while I knew some people there, it was not a friendly environment. Added to that my former inlaws were also in town for the event.

I went to the baptism, and the reception in the church hall afterwards. I also joined them at a restaurant for lunch as well.

Were my ex and I getting along at that point? Not at all. But we both agreed that our child wanted both of us there, and she should have her wish. It really should be that simple.

[frustratedwithex]

IMO ignoring is not a solution. It takes energy to ignore someone and does not model good behaviour.

I read something early in my separation that said children of divorce have an expectation to manage their divorced parents when the parents are together.

The children become the go-between the parents. They make sure the parents interaction is limited.

example.
It is one child's graduation and you have agreed to have lunch with the child to celebrate. Other parent will celebrate at dinner.

You are now at the ceremony, each parent sitting apart from each other. How do the other siblings decide who to sit with?

It is now after the ceremony, everyone wants pictures with the graduate. Child has to go between each group to satisfy each parent.

Now one of the parents says something has come up and there needs to be a change in plans they can't do lunch/dinner, and need to switch.

Children have to go back and forth between parents and rearrange.

It would be so much less stressful on all involved if the two parents could sit and have lunch together at the same time with the graduate.

[Pursuinghappiness]

Personally, I ignore my ex and have very little trouble doing so. He showed up at my mom's hospital room during her last days and during her funeral and I literally ignored him completely. Pretty much the same thing I actually did during marriage...to tell you the truth because I find his personality-type irritating. During marriage, the rare times I'd have to be around him...I'd move to a different location, speak to someone else and pretty much stay away from him.

However, I honestly can't say that I hate him. I'm well aware that he has done nothing but insult me for years and has tried every trick in the book to ruin my new life...both financially and as a mother...however, I'm so content with my new life and generally so busy that I just really don't care.

My loathing of him pretty much ended the day I moved into my own home after the in-home separation. My negative feelings were really centered around feeling trapped and stalked.

Also, my ex is an annoying co-parent but I just work around him most of the time. He provides endless validation of exactly why I divorced him everytime he does something annoying or rude. I love the validation....not a week goes by that I don't thank my lucky stars that I'm divorcing him. Imagine that there are countries in the world where women have no rights and have to stay married to terrible men.

My advice...be happy in your new life. Accept your own failings and culpabilities of the marriage you left and know that without that experience, you wouldn't be where you are today in your new life. You might not realize that you learned things and grew in a bad marriage...but bad experiences is where we actually tend to grow the most. Be thankful to him for showing you what you DON'T want to be around so that you can achieve happiness.

Mostly, feel some empathy. My ex isn't a happy, good person and he's not really capable of emotional growth...and he's probably going to spend the rest of his life in that mode.

I'm so grateful that I won't have to spend anymore real time around that type of individual...its easy for me to just let go of any feelings of resentment I have towards him. Be validated, be happy, and ignore him....life's too short to spend energy on the unworthy.

[mom2three]

When there are issues with my son's health, anything that will lessen any potential conflict and keep the lines of communication open is a good thing. Of course I wouldn't charge her for a ride home.

And that indicates you are a "Dad", not downtrodden. You are a good human being DD. Keep doing what you are doing for the kids.

[DowntroddenDad]

When there are issues with my son's health, anything that will lessen any potential conflict and keep the lines of communication open is a good thing. Of course I wouldn't charge her for a ride home.

[mom2three]

@DD....hopefully you charged her for that drive home?

Just saying

What an incredible way to ramp up conflict.

[DowntroddenDad]

I can understand bitterness when abuse is involved.

I won't forget what my ex did, but I can chose to giver her the benefit of the doubt that it was her mental illness not her nature that made her behave that way. In the end, it doesn't matter what the real cause was, since that is in the past.

My oldest son was recently in the hospital for an extended stay. My ex and I were in close contact, text and phone, for a couple of weeks. There were times when we both visited my son at the same time. I even gave her rides home (she doesn't drive). We aren't friends, but we aren't enemies, we are two people with a shared history, who once cared for each other. I'm not suggesting that every relationship can work out that way. I know if it weren't for the kids, I would have zero contact with her.

But really if you allow yourself to remain in the state where the other person affects your life, you are giving that person way too much power over you.

[arabian]

My ex and I were divorced within 9 months of when I filed. For several years, however, I have had to endure being taken back to court repeatedly. It has been highly contentious and very, very bitter at times. His g/f is a nut case and I have had to put up with years of nonsense.

My advice to you for coping is to remember the good times the two of you had together. Have as little contact as possible so that you can get on with creating your new life. Its difficult but I think if you try to stay on a positive, forward-thinking direction the negative aspects of your past together just might be lessened with memories of happier times.

This has been my primary coping strategy since our initial separation.

Avoid unnecessary contact. Replace bad thoughts with good memories. Visualize a happy future.

[caranna]

I haven't had any contact with the stbx..no email, phone calls, nothing. This was my choice. The severe physical abuse is what sticks in my mind more than the emotional and verbal. After I left him, he slandered me with lies, wrote letters to various organizations and my son stating I was not at all well in mind and body.

I haven't completely forgiven him. It's perfectly normal to feel anger and unforgiveness towards someone who has wronged you and does not want to change. I doubt my stbx will ever change. He certainly did not want to when we were together. I guess I've developed a bit of detachment towards him and that helps. But I still get flashbacks of the physical abuse.

I am definitely not looking forward to seeing him at the case conference. It's been almost 18 months since I have laid eyes on him (except when we passed each other in our cars a year ago...a scary and surreal experience to say the least)!

[hadenough]

@Rioe: oh I've got a lot of practice ignoring him. I'm very good at it

We don't discuss our child. He doesn't contact S14. At all. It will be a year soon, of zero contact between them. For me and ex: it's been several years. I'm at peace with my inability to forgive. It's just the way I am in extreme circumstances.

[Rioe]

It's hard, if not downright impossible, to forgive someone who isn't sorry and still behaves the same way. The fault lies with him, not you. Don't think of failure to forgive as a problem with you. Aim for accepting his behaviour as something you cannot change, and learning to shrug it off as his problem, not yours.

Just keep contact to the bare minimum when you have to discuss your child, and ignore him otherwise. It will get easier with practice.