Forgiveness and getting rid of anger

[hadenough]

OP: yes, you have much to be thankful for. I didn't and haven't "landed" so well. I'd very much like to lose anger but forgive? I already know that I will never ever forgive. It's just my nature. Always has been.

But I'm open to "dumping anger" suggestions, although it's a personal journey for different people.

I wouldn't throw water on my ex if he was on fire, lol - is that anger or inability to forgive?

My hope is to move towards complete indifference. I don't talk to my ex and I never will. Best that way. Our son understands. He's used to it. At this point, he'd likely be stressed if we WERE in communication with one another.

Best of luck. I think you're on a good path. File the old hurts and stupid things that were said in the 'history' file. And if you can forgive.. Good on you. Some people can, in time.

[caranna]

To achieve forgiveness during and after separation and divorce...it can be very hard. It takes time, sometimes a lot of time, and it depends a lot upon the degree of harm done and people involved.

To forgive doesn't mean that you try to excuse that person...that what that person did was right. It does mean that you choose to not hold a grudge against this person, and get on with your life. It means not to let the corrosive poison of bitterness eat away at you.

Anger is good if you recognize it as normal, and use it to energize yourself to constructive actions. Don't deny the anger, but also don't let it became a raging, destructive force within you, like taking your anger out on others.

Forgiveness is something you do for yourself.

[DowntroddenDad]

I think that modelling the behaviour you'd like to emulate is a very good way to look at it.

Kids do pick up on even very subtle queues. Be the person you want your daughter to be.

And of course, if you stay in your anger, you really do not have the opportunity to move on and if you so chose find real happiness with someone else.

My ex recently turned that corner and now we can work together on issues around our kids.

And realize that you cannot change what has already happened, you can only influence what is happening now and in your future.

[HappyDays]

Just breathe... Always think of yourself as the better person and a great example to your daughter. Despite all the garbage that was said to you or about you, get your satisfaction from your ex still seeing you happy, head up and that you moved on with your life in a positive and better way. Don't let him bring you down.

Divorce definitely brings out the worst in people and you will hear all sorts of lies come your way. Accept it for what it is, be thankful that it's over, and get your satisfaction knowing you're in a better place now and no longer have to listen to the nonsense.

[stripes]

Hi everyone,

Let me preface this question by saying that I know a lot of people on this board would like to be in my shoes - divorce finalized; custody and property division and everything all signed off by a judge; not completely ruined financially; no huge inequities in the way things were divided; and currently in a strong and healthy (post-divorce) relationship. I know that I'm lucky.

However, I'm wondering if anyone has any suggestions about how to practice forgiveness when you're going to be dealing with the ex for at least ten more years. We have a young daughter and shared custody, so there's going to be contact around birthday parties, swimming lessons, holidays, winter gear, etc. for a long time to come.

I find that I have trouble setting aside all the anger I still feel towards him whenever I have to communicate about something to do with parenting. For the last year, as the divorce wound its way through the courts, I was on the receiving end of insults, rants, verbal abuse, name-calling and explosions of hostility via email and text, on an almost-daily basis (with some variation, as he got distracted by other things). I recognize much of this as the sort of enmeshment and lack of boundaries that other people have described here. My end of the conversation stayed polite and to-the-point - no "you" statements; nothing I wouldn't want to hear read out in court, always with a "please" or "thank you"; conscious to keep the emotion out. It was almost like he had a second personality that came out when we separated - the person I've had to deal with over the last couple of years is utterly different from the one I was married to for 20 years before that.

I had hoped when we began this process that we might somehow manage to stay friends; now not only do I know we won't ever be friends, I have no desire to ever be anything more than minimally polite.

So my question - does anyone have any suggestions for calming down the waves of anger that arise whenever I have to deal with him? He's being (somewhat) civil now, probably because the divorce is a done deal. I feel like a hypocrite being polite and making small talk with him because of the vicious things he's said to and about me in the past, but I know that I have to suck it up and treat him like someone he isn't, because it's in the best interests of my daughter to put my own hurt and angry feelings aside. To anyone who is or has been in my shoes, any suggestions for self-talk or other ways to reduce the emotional burn that still hits whenever I have to deal with him?