Attn Support PAYORS would you ever remarry ?

[shellshocked22]

This isn't really a request for assistance as much as a "just curious". While no doubt most support recipients think our Family Law system is great (who wouldn't like free money !) I suspect most payors would agree that while some payments to assist children is not unreasonable, the amounts by and large are not reasonable to the payor. In addition, for those with higher incomes, "child support" can arguably be viewed as disguised spousal support but without the tax deductability feature. To add insult to injury, the government will go to extraordinary means to wring every penny from the CS payor, but then couldn't care less if the CS recipient spends it foolishly.

So, my question is, knowing what you know now, would you ever put yourself in such a financially devastating situation again by getting married or living common law. I'm not saying be a monk, but perhaps limiting yourself to simply ongoing dating and being careful not to put yourself in harm's way financially courtesy of our horrible Family Law system.

Personally, knowing what I know now, I will never put myself in that situation again. I very much enjoy spending time withthe opposite sex and value their company, just don't think I should have to risk financial devastation for the privilege. Staying single is the way to go. I get a chuckle out of folks who say marriage "proves your committment" - we all know either party can bolt for the slightest reason and make the higher income earner pay dearly for their decision.

Opinions ? .......

[Knave]

I will never get married again. Anybody who marries someone with a lower income has lost their mind. I am getting punished for working hard while my ex gets rewarded for being a university dropout.

I married once, when I was ignorant.

To tweak a common saying: Fool me once, shame on family law. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Funnily enough, she recently told me that she would happily get married again. I guess more cash-for-life can't hurt.

[Links17]

In Quebec you can live with somebody and as long as you don't sign up to the nonsense they never get a right to spousal support

[DowntroddenDad]

I'm 51, and I would not consider marrying someone of child bearing age, or at least someone who wanted children, as three is enough, and I still have post secondary education to worry about.

My current GF has adult children, a well paying job that she is good at and that she loves. Actually we have the same wage, just that almost half of mine goes to my ex and the kids. But she also has other sources of income as well.

We have openly talked about whether my ego would be bruised if she treated me to a vacation.

I'm not sure she wants to get married, but she might want to live common law. That might be simpler financially.

[fireweb13]

I am only 27, and am engaged. We have been together for almost 5 years and are getting married in Sept.
So my answer is yes, I will.
Though my child is through common law with my ex and not marriage, but we did live together.
I waited much longer and have taken my time to get fully involved but over time we have cultivated something that I think is great. Though I did make sure to find someone with ambition and drive to better herself rather then someone like my ex who would rather not work and stay home doing nothing.

[SadAndTired]

Well, I don't know if paying alone makes someone not get into a new relationship. Perhaps level of conflict in separation is more of an indicator?

My stbx is paying voluntarily. He moved in with a new girlfriend (that he met only two months after we separated) about 3 months into their relationship. He is bordering on common law status now and doesn't seem concerned about it. I asked him how he will feel if he has to pay both of us ss in the future and he just scoffed at the notion..... Ridiculous to not consider that really, given what his future income will be.

He is, however, currently living in the house she owns and she makes a great salary herself. I just think he can't think long term at all and doesn't think of what the "what ifs" could be.

Me, although I have been asked, I haven't dated yet (17 months separated). Need to get my life, my thoughts and my kids' lives in complete order before I bring someone else into the mix.

[DowntroddenDad]

Well, I don't know if paying alone makes someone not get into a new relationship. Perhaps level of conflict in separation is more of an indicator?

My stbx is paying voluntarily. He moved in with a new girlfriend (that he met only two months after we separated) about 3 months into their relationship. He is bordering on common law status now and doesn't seem concerned about it. I asked him how he will feel if he has to pay both of us ss in the future and he just scoffed at the notion..... Ridiculous to not consider that really, given what his future income will be.


He is, however, currently living in the house she owns and she makes a great salary herself. I just think he can't think long term at all and doesn't think of what the "what ifs" could be.

Perhaps he assumes she will continue to make the same salary, and if they separate he wouldn't owe her SS. Not necessarily ridiculous, one of the women I dated last year, and considered moving in with has been with the same employer for almost 25 years, and could retire in a few years with a pension equivalent to 70% of her salary. Her ex didn't pay her any ss or cs, just gave her a larger share of the proceeds of the house (she earned a larger salary) and walked away.

Me, although I have been asked, I haven't dated yet (17 months separated). Need to get my life, my thoughts and my kids' lives in complete order before I bring someone else into the mix.

You are ready when you are ready. It varies from person to person and circumstance to circumstance. If you are still bitter about your ex, you aren't ready. I wasn't ready last year, not because I was bitter, but simply because there were too many battles over the separation agreement, and when pressured to move in, I backed out.

[HammerDad]

I wasn't married to the mother of my kid, but I am married now.

I know this is going to sound completely hypocritical, but I would never marry a person with a child. I have my own, I don't want responsibility for theirs.

While my wife is actively involved with raising my child and they love each other, should for some unknown reason we breakup, she wouldn't be on the hook for maintaining my child, as I only get EOW. If I were to get into a relationship with a custodial parent, I would have to make damn good and sure I don't participate in parental duties......just in case....and that isn't fair to the relationship....

I love my wife. She is great. But should I end up single again for some unknown reason, I doubt I remarry.

[SadAndTired]

I hear you Downtrodden. I am not bitter either but certainly not ready to be an equal emotional partner in a relationship. Almost the same as what you were saying, there are too many areas to work on in my life and separation first.

I do think my ex was on the rebound and particularly vulnerable when he met his new gf. He has hinted she is needy but that is his problem now.

Don't want to hijack. Just think that personality types, level of conflict and situation may have a bigger impact on getting into a new relationship rather than if a person has to pay ss.

However, that is coming from a recipient.

[DowntroddenDad]

SadAndTired,

I have some sympathy for your Ex. My first relationship after my separation was months after, and I was in hindsight very vulnerable. And she had many issues that I overlooked. I so wanted it to work, that I overlooked some things in the hope that love would overcome all obstacles. Insert rude awakening, sound of a car crashing into a wall here.

My second relationship started 8 months after separation, but still in the midst of separation agreement wars. It clearly played a part in some of the issues we had, both as a source of external and internal stress. She wanted to fight for me, and wanted me to fight more, and be more agressive, even though my lawyer was suggesting otherwise. At the time I focussed on other issues within our relationship, but I realise in hindsight the role my own external issues around parenting and the separation agreement played.

Yes, for those of you who are counting, I'm on my third relationship. But I am divorced now, and for better or worse I have an agreement that I may not like, but can live with. I have few assets, but no debts. I have a decent job. And I have a GF who is patient, and stable, and not rushing into anything. If this turns into a common law relationship, I wouldn't be unhappy.

[DowntroddenDad]

I don't for a moment trying to rebuild my life and not conceding to the idea that love is for losers.

It wasn't about just sex, though I admit that sex is an intimate bonding in a relationship. Its about sharing your life with someone.

Many of us in long term marriages, for better or worse, lived without love for a long time, and it is natural to seek it out when we become free to do so. Did I make a mistake with my first relationship? Well yes I did. But thats a risk you take, and hopefully you learn a lesson and move on. My second relationship, had good times and bad, just didn't work out, but she is a great woman and I wish her well in her new relationship. I don't consider it a mistake, the issues we had were not ones you anticipate, rather ones you discover as you move from one stage of relationship to another. And I will admit, I didn't enjoy being rushed into marriage a second time even before I had my divorce papers.

I'm not looking for a shag, I'm looking for a life partner, and I think the experience I've had with the ones that didn't work out will help me in the end. I have a brother who has been married twice who is now living with a woman who is perfect for him. I had an aunt who was twice divorced, had a happy marriage that ended when he died, and has found love again years lter. I can't help think that they learned as they went.

[hadenough]

CS recipient here, but no bloody freakin' way would I get married.

I can get out and have dates when I choose. It's great. Freedom is great. I LOVE FREEDOM!!!

[Teddie]

CS recipient here, but no bloody freakin' way would I get married.

I can get out and have dates when I choose. It's great. Freedom is great. I LOVE FREEDOM!!!

Yep, I don't think anyone can argue with that. I am in a relationship again but for the short time I was single it was a great feeling. Even now, there are days where the lure of being single and doing whatever I like is tempting.

[Pursuinghappiness]

CS recipient here, but no bloody freakin' way would I get married.

I can get out and have dates when I choose. It's great. Freedom is great. I LOVE FREEDOM!!!

lol...I didn't date much after separation but I HATED it...dating is awful. But I know what you mean about the freedom thing.

There is nothing...NOTHING...like walking into your own house after work to a peaceful, clean home without your ex in it. Its wonderful!

Presently, I have the best of both worlds in a sense...incredible relationship with the man of my dreams who lives 3 hours away so we're only together on weekends.

I wish they'd do a study on the person who wants/initiates the divorce and the other person.

I'm finding in almost every person I know that left...they were actually "gone" for a long time prior to the marriage ending and are therefore much more ready emotionally into a new relationship. In my case, I was ready for years and had almost no emotional feelings upon leaving my ex except for a great sense of relief and a feeling of liberty. If I get frustrated, its because the divorce process is taking so long. I hate having my name connected to his.

The people that I know that get "left" are often just dazed for a while...even when they know their marriage was bad...they don't expect it to end. Some are very bitter and try to stay involved in some way with their ex's by nosing into their personal life, etc. I find it takes them a lot longer to be ready for a relationship. Its hard to meet someone new when you're a ball of bitterness due to an ex relationship.

I've also met one couple who both wanted to leave...they just knew it wasn't working out. Funny enough..they're both friends and live close to each other and co-parent the kids.

I'm also a recepient but I'm not so sure I'd bother getting married again...don't want more kids, so what's the point? I'd only do it if my new partner was adamant about wanting to re-marry.

[Berner_Faith]

I am not actually a support payor, my bf is, however our finances are co-mingled so it just depends when the 1st and 15th falls and who gets paid at the time, as we have one budget. That being said... if things didn't work out for my partner and I, I don't know if I would get involved with someone who has children again... there have been a lot of ups and downs along the way and we are finally at a point where things seems sorta normal... I adore his children and when they are with us, I treat them as my own, I find when they are with us I put in just as much if not more of a effort in raising them. It has been very emotional at times, something I don't think I could do again.

For me, it isn't financial, it is more of the emotional turmoil that people are often put through.