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Validation for Leaving but confused and upset

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  • Validation for Leaving but confused and upset

    So I've been separated a while and have moved on in a great relationship! My new guy is amazing - both our ex's cheated and we are really committed!

    My ex was a cheater .... 4 or 5 short flings .... I never trusted him and always was suspicious but could not ever find any proof .... finally I just couldn't bear it any longer and I left ....

    Well .....

    I received a call from a girl I know who told me that she had a 12 year affair with my ex and was calling to apologize!!!!! He broke up with her after 12 years when he found out I had a new boyfriend .... he was with someone new also. Someone he cheated with - she was married when they met and she left her husband for him. So .... he cheated on me for 12 years and then cheated on her with this new woman then dumped her cold!!! She is very angry that he promised her the world then dumped her. She said he made me out to be a total bitch and he played the victim. She said he was a big liar and was the scum on the bottom of the barrel.

    Even though I've moved on I felt devastated to find out the degree of his cheating and lying. I had no idea this was even going on!!! I was so blind to it. I suspected they had an affair 10 years ago and we had gone to counselling and at the time he didn't stop seeing her which ended our counselling sessions. I stayed with him though - I was so weak and could not leave and be on my own. I feel like I really wasted 29 years of my life.

    On the other hand I feel validated for leaving and know I made the right decision. I suggested the mistress pick up the pieces of her life and move on. Imagine me, giving advice to my STBX exhusband's mistress to move on!!!!!

    I'm angry and confused at my kids now because when I left him he cried the victim to my adult children who sided with him (they knew he cheated but they didn't know about the 12 year affair) and gave me total grief. They were so angry at me for leaving (even though he cheated) and put me through hell only for me to find out now he was in a relationship for 12 years!!!!! They really treated me like shit.

    I don't know what to do - I want them to realize what he did to me but I feel like they aren't really absorbing it - maybe because they haven't experienced it ..... I don't know .....

    Anyway .... it really sucks and I wish I could just forget it and move on - I'm trying but I'm back on this emotional roller coaster. One minute angry that he did this behind my back and the next happy as a clam that I'm out of the relationship. I feel like I want him to suffer.

  • #2
    Leave the kids out of it, it's not their job to be your therapist, to make you feel better or validate your feelings from a relationship YOU were in that you freely CHOSE to be in.

    Spilling the beans to your kids will only make you look like the lesser person and they will lose even more respect for you. Let them have a relationship with their father that is untainted by YOUR feelings towards him and try to rebuild the relationship with your kids.

    And get a therapist.


    • #3
      Move on and do not look back and move on. Adult children tend to react and this is normal as in their eyes you left and broke their pictures of their parents. They need time to figure it out.

      Just concentrate on your relationship with them and the rest will take care of itself as your ex behavior will reveal itself specially if he disapointed others.


      • #4
        I have never spoken to my kids about what happened between us - he did - only what he wanted them to know - again painting me as an ugly bitch. I have pleaded with the kids to stay neutral. My daughter is doing a great job of staying out of it - my son is ok most times and other times he sides with his dad.

        I struggle that my ex tells the kids everything he "wants" them to know and only the "pieces" he wants them to know. I don't respond to the kids when they get upset except to ask them to stay out of it and that they don't know the whole story but the frustration is building up in me and I really want to "set the record straight".


        • #5
          And in doing so, you WILL lose their respect. It doesn't matter that he's told them things they shouldn't be aware of. You KNOW it was crappy of him to do so and if you do it as well, for ANY reason, you are the same as he.

          Be the bigger person, offload somewhere else. Find a friend willing to listen, a therapist or even write it down in a journal and put it away somewhere to get it off your mind.

          The 'wanting him to suffer' is normal. And the old cliche is true: the best revenge is happiness.



          • #6
            Sounds like good riddance to bad trash.

            You are in an exceptional position to be free of him, and in (from what you describe) a healthy, intimate relationship.

            Don't air out all the dirty laundry with the kids.. It's water under the bridge, so look forward not back..yaay, you're free of him!


            • #7
              Completely understandable feelings! And seems like good advice already given. I also understand that you might find it hard to '' in front of your kids, because you fear it might increase the alienation i.e. they might see you as heartless? I write this just to acknowledge a possible barrier to happiness - and hopefully to help take it down.


              • #8
                Both your first sentence, and the new revelations about your ex just prove that you did the right thing.

                As for your children, all you can do is assure them that your love for them has not changed, but you will not be sharing your side of the details with them, so they should understand they are getting the incomplete story that their father is putting forwards, not necessarily an unbiased truth.


                • #9
                  I am sorry you have had to find out a trusted friend betrayed you - that would bother me more than anything.

                  I would likely tell my adult children the truth if asked. Cover up for that SOB? - not a chance.


                  • #10
                    I totally understand how you're feeling and why, but you shouldn't be angry with the kids. THEY are not the ones responsible for how you're feeling. You also need to consider that it may make YOU feel better ( your post only references your feelings) but in the long run, it will definitely be more damaging for the kids to have TWO parents slagging and blaming each other for a failed relationship they had no responsibility to, no say in and no influence over.

                    I don't know how old your kids are, but in time they will see him for who he is, and what they will remember and learn from is that you didn't trash dad or interfere with their relationship. That goes a long way.

                    Someone has to be the adult here.


                    • #11
                      Justin Timberlake - Cry Me A River - YouTube

                      Take the above in dual context.

                      First - I don't care.
                      I know that's really cruel. But I'm trying to point out the larger point that life is big and mean and will stomp on you once and awhile. It happens to everyone. You're not special - and thus no one really cares.

                      Time to pull on the big girl panties.

                      Second- You can find some solace in this song looking at from the point of view as what may happen down the line. Maybe not romantically, exactly. But I bet at one point your ex will turn to you for something one day. There's still lots of time ahead. Then you can be all vengeful and say 'cry me a river', if you so choose.
                      Last edited by wretchedotis; 02-26-2013, 12:58 AM.


                      • #12
                        I have read the responses here and, for the most part, agree with the wisdom and logic.

                        I understand your anger and desire for validation. However, the one thing that would keep me from spilling the beans is the simple fact that your reaction would eventually get back to your ex. Do you want him to know you care about what happened to your marriage? Never lie or cover up for the jerk but always think about the long term effects of telling your now-adult children the details.

                        Don't give him that power.


                        • #13
                          I grew up in a home with both my parents and believe it or not, I never heard them argue. Once I became an adult, I came to realize that it was impossible for them not to have an argument. My mother passed away at age 57 due to complications with diabetes, my Dad passed away at age 88. Long before my Dad passed away, I told him that my husband and I argued quite a bit. My Dad said " Please tell me you don't argue in front of the children because, when you kids were growing up your mother and I kept you all away from our problems." I asked him what were their reasons for taking that stand and, he said; " we did not think you children should side with one parent over the other, and we had to maintain a mutual ground for you children to have a good relationship with both of us." Thank God my children were too young to understand at the time. My husband and I agree to disagree and never got our children involved in our problems. My husband passed away after 38 years of marriage.
                          Saying that to say this. Now I ask you:

                          1. Is worth it to be unhappy because of your ex's ignorance?
                          2. Do you love my children enough not to involve them in your problems?
                          3. Do you want them to hate him or you or, both of you?
                          4. What lessons are you teaching your children?
                          5. What kind of advise can you give your children, if you are not handling your own?
                          6. How do you want them to handle their marital problems if and when they get married and have children?
                          7. Should they involve their children in their problems if their marriage is in trouble? I can go on and on.

                          However, You are not waking up to see the face of this man every morning.
                          Get on with your life and do not continue to fuel it with anger.
                          Tell yourself what was done was done.
                          Do not further involve your children in you and their fathers' problems
                          Let them have the unburdened lives that they deserve in order for them to be happy.
                          Make yourself happy, smile even when you feel like screaming, develope happy thoughts and think positive.
                          Thank God for each day you are able to open your eyes and see light.
                          Pray that God would unburdened you from your troubles and give you health and strengh to carry on.
                          Stop the anger and misery you are bringing to your life, you deserve to be happy.
                          You are in a new relationship and your partner does not deserves the baggage.
                          Be very careful, you may lose him if your feuding continues.
                          Last edited by Edy; 02-26-2013, 01:46 PM. Reason: Made a few errors


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