Mental Health and Divorce

[Nadia]

Has anyone had to deal with a ex that is showing obvious signs of some sort of mental breakdown?

The emails I am getting from my ex recently have been very disturbing, making reference to "being put through hell" and "being held hostage," and "going through another day of hell" to name a few. In one email he writes about how it "must be nice for you not to know what I am going through." In his sense of reality I am alone responsble for the emotional turmoil he is experiencing. This together with several phone calls (that I have refused to engage) have me worried.

He recently sent an email to the school principle informing her that he is now unable to attend previously agreed upon parent-teacher interviews because of the "circumstances involving him and me." He went on to make some false allegations that have nothing to do with the school and bear no resemblance to reality.

Background: We were seperated almost six years ago and divorced five years ago. Custody, Access, Child Support etc was agreed upon through a consent order. However, the parties remained in litigation. Following several motions brought forward by my ex, we had a trial for contempt. He lost and was prohibited from bringing forward any further motions before the court without first seeking leave. He also faced a hefty cost order. Two subsequent motions for section seven expenses were also "lost" by him and he faced another two cost orders. Recently, he has been served with a motion to adjust child support in line with his new income. This was served after 6 months of trying to get him to settle outside of court but to no avail.

He is showing signs of extreme stress and I am not sure whether I should be worried for my safety, the children or if this is just someone who is just unhappy with his life.

[arabian]

My ex is a certifiable nut case. Nothing you can do about it. Whenever I've shown any compassion towards him he very quickly turns ugly.


Don't feel sorry for him. He likely did it himself. If he's at all like my ex he's a miserable asshole who will die alone.

[Mess]

My ex periodically breaks down. I know she mixes prescription meds at times with booze and goes into psychotic states. I don't send the kids over then.

A month ago she sent me repeated messages about how if I made any more "demands" of her it would mean her death. At the time all I wanted to do was update our SA according to our most recent tax returns.

She threatened her death several times, with no specifics. When I said I would quote her and seek a parenting assessment she backed off from the statements.

So yeah, I know what you mean. You can't get a court order to force someone to be reasonable. We make the best out of what we have to work with.

[ddol1]

I commend you for having the heart to even post this. To answer your worries from a person who I guess it is fair to say that in many ways I am there, I can only offer opinion - should whatever change that truely alarms you, it would not be out of line to report it to the authorities. I will try and give honest "put myself out there" thoughts that may hopefully at least give you some things that you otherwise may not have seen being too close to your own problem. No matter what I put here, remember that you have nothing to look back on, you have been seperated for a while now and your ex has had the time to do things to improve his situation in some form or fashion.

You are not responsable for any of his..... or are you?? Even then, it is not your fault for what your ex now thinks, or even acts. Your ex has the ability at any time to seek some help for his/her issues as this problem crosses gender for sure. As far as your concerns regarding the safety of your children and yourself, my first thought is one would think they would not hurt the children - the hatred is directed at the ex spouse. You know what has made it into the papers, you know maybe better than most what you need to do in your case - any serious doubts that you could list on a piece of paper, good and bad, seek out help if this is what your head tells you to do.

It does sound like your ex is depressed or more, there is help for him but he must seek it himself. It sounds like your ex is living the bad part of seperation, drowning in debt, court ordered payments that are not possible to meet??? Perhaps this person feels wronged by the court system yet refuses to move on with life and what it still has to offer. No matter what your ex is saying, it all points to being/feeling trapped with no possible escape, this is, or IMHO is a serious issue with no doubt.

All these things are NOT your doing in the end so I would not personally take in what your ex is saying. That said, keep your ears and eyes open, perhaps there is some where you can go to get a professional opinion if for nothing else, the benefit to your children who do deserve to have a "happy and healthy" father??

[wretchedotis]

Has anyone had to deal with a ex that is showing obvious signs of some sort of mental breakdown?

The emails I am getting from my ex recently have been very disturbing, making reference to "being put through hell" and "being held hostage," and "going through another day of hell" to name a few. In one email he writes about how it "must be nice for you not to know what I am going through." In his sense of reality I am alone responsble for the emotional turmoil he is experiencing. This together with several phone calls (that I have refused to engage) have me worried.

He recently sent an email to the school principle informing her that he is now unable to attend previously agreed upon parent-teacher interviews because of the "circumstances involving him and me." He went on to make some false allegations that have nothing to do with the school and bear no resemblance to reality.

Background: We were seperated almost six years ago and divorced five years ago. Custody, Access, Child Support etc was agreed upon through a consent order. However, the parties remained in litigation. Following several motions brought forward by my ex, we had a trial for contempt. He lost and was prohibited from bringing forward any further motions before the court without first seeking leave. He also faced a hefty cost order. Two subsequent motions for section seven expenses were also "lost" by him and he faced another two cost orders. Recently, he has been served with a motion to adjust child support in line with his new income. This was served after 6 months of trying to get him to settle outside of court but to no avail.

He is showing signs of extreme stress and I am not sure whether I should be worried for my safety, the children or if this is just someone who is just unhappy with his life.

We do not all become the men in life we had envisioned while growing up. For every success story, there are ten of failure.

I would suggest that the whole situation (not that you meant to put the situation there) is untenable to him, and probably most men. I see no reason to believe he is weaker than the next guy to accomodate a nervous breakdown. That may be the case that he is (weaker).
I really don't know not having any first hand knowledge.

But I would ask you to take a real good honest look at the situation and ask yourself if there is ANYTHING you can do to make it easier for him.

It's not your responsablility to do so. And no one can hold it against you if you do not.

But on the off chance that you can make things easier for him, would you?

It could only benefit the situation if you could. And make it worse if you can but will not.

Did that make sense? Hit me up for more if it didn't. I'll try to explain my thoughts better if that is the case.

[roxyroller71]

First: document for the future.
secondly: That sounds very thoughtful. Someone with mental health issues is really going through a lot of pain, and it would just ease it and help them deal with the reality.
Things are shitty for them and it can be devastating.
Sometimes it's just anger and how dare u, who do u think u are?
It's hard to deal with that's for sure. And anyone can fall into that hole.
Maybe encourage a visit to the doctor...?
Meds can do wonders...and buffer the difficult emotions into a bite size chunks.
It does sound like he is being way out there, being dramatic, difficult emotions and
Realistically... Probably is in hell with all his costs and loss of control and loss of his family.
I'm sorry for u and take care of urself and ur children. And watch things carefully.

[FaithandMorals]

Otis ^^ makes some great points here. The very nature of family law conflicts pits us as adversaries against our former lovers. As much as we may not want to admit it, love and hate are very close emotions.
Like any war, there is almost always collateral damage. I am convinced the children are the ones that suffer through no fault of their own.
Like Otis above, if you can do anything to make things better and it does not cost you anything, perhaps give it a shot.
I know you are also asking about what to do if your ex is mentally unstable due to no fault of yours. I am sure Tayken will have a view as to what help you may be able to support.
These situations take a toll on all of us.

[Rioe]

He is showing signs of extreme stress and I am not sure whether I should be worried for my safety, the children or if this is just someone who is just unhappy with his life.

I have no personal experience with this, but I would not dismiss what he's going through as his own problem. People under extreme stress break down and do things that none of the rest of us would consider normal.

Is he struggling financially (doesn't matter the reason)? That's a huge source of stress. If he kept bringing forward motions to not pay separation related expenses fairly, and kept losing and getting hit with costs, he may be feeling quite hopelessly in the hole.

Some men (yes, generalizing, but anecdotally it does seem peculiarly linked to men) do commit suicide, some commit murder-suicide. If you feel you or your children are in any danger, make your friends and family aware of it, and take precautions to protect yourself (ie, cell always in your pocket).

Do you know anyone you can talk to who is still close to him but would listen to you, and be trusted not to mention your involvement? A family member of his, a formerly mutual friend? Tell them about his recent communications to you, in a non-judgmental fashion, and suggest they give him some emotional support.

I'm not suggesting you release him from any of his financial obligations. It sounds like he dug that particular hole himself. Just recognize that it is a dangerous time for him, which makes it possibly dangerous for you.

[arabian]

sounds like he is playing with your emotions... I recently went through that. I was compassionate and understanding and it backfired. After you get the facts then move on. You have been separated for a long time... no longer your responsibility. He's probably doing this knowing you have the upper hand on him perhaps? Wants you to feel guilty while you drive the dagger into him legally? Did you recently cream him in court?

[arabian]

Because I was married to a prick I probably have a slightly sarcastic view of things. Of course you have to judge your own individual situation and go from there. Just hope you don't get sucked in with the "pity party" thing like I did.

[arabian]

On a very rare occasion I concur with Faith and Morals. Yes that's shocking! Evaluate what your're currently up do. Get valid information about your ex's state of mind.

[Nadia]

The Child Support has not been adjusted since 2009 despite annual increase in income each year. The difference is significant. But also see my post on the 4/5 year plan whereby he is putting away $2000 every month into what is essentially a savings account before he pays any support.

There is also an element of the need to control here. There always has been. But what tipped the balance was when I insisted we communicate by email only. By refusing to answer his phone calls and insisting he email me, in his eyes I insulted him and I robbed him of the opportunity to express his anger.

He has chronic anger issues or rather lack of coping skills when things do not go his way. I used to get the crank calls after the Judgements were rendered and yes I have had police walk me back to my car from the court house when I could see he was fuming with anger. But things have escalated recently.

It was the content of his emails that had me worried but also the recent email to the school principle in which he also copied several teachers in. I know he wanted to get my attention and he did but for not the reason he wanted. I am appalled by his need to drag the school into matters that are completely unrelated to the children's education.

I understand the growing frustration and increase in stress levels. But do I feel sorry for him? No. Is there anything I can do to help him? I would if i could bring myself to do it in the way he wanted me to.

[caranna]

Background: We were seperated almost six years ago and divorced five years ago. Custody, Access, Child Support etc was agreed upon through a consent order. However, the parties remained in litigation. Following several motions brought forward by my ex, we had a trial for contempt. He lost and was prohibited from bringing forward any further motions before the court without first seeking leave. He also faced a hefty cost order. Two subsequent motions for section seven expenses were also "lost" by him and he faced another two cost orders. Recently, he has been served with a motion to adjust child support in line with his new income. This was served after 6 months of trying to get him to settle outside of court but to no avail.

He is showing signs of extreme stress and I am not sure whether I should be worried for my safety, the children or if this is just someone who is just unhappy with his life.

I'm wondering why, after almost 6 years of separation and five years after divorce, you are reading these emotionally upsetting emails. I'm not judging you for doing so, but feel that he is trying to make you miserable and mess with your mind. Maybe I'm missing something... is there any benefit for you and your children by continuing to read his hostile messages?

[Nadia]

We need to communicate because we have children together. I have no control over what he decides to put in his emails. But it is also indicative of his state of mind.

People do not just "snap" there are often signs. If the emails have shifted from him calling me "a liar" (a month ago) to now holding me wholly responsible for the "hell" he is going through. Then that is a red flag in my book.

It encourages me to be extra vigilant when dropping off the kids with his parents (he lives with his parents), it also alerts me to the fact that things might get a lot worse very quickly. Is he going to create a scene at the school? Maybe. Will he turn up at my house unnanounced? Quite possibly. Will he attempt to have me arrested again? Most likely. Will he harm himself? I do not know. But I know his parents are always around the kids, when the kids are with him.

[caranna]

If you could, have someone attend with you when you are dropping off your kids. That would give you a measure of safety and provide a witness if needed.

It's good you are extra vigilant. You might want to contact your school. They've experienced his emails. I'm quite sure they would be able to direct you to someone who could help you deal with these issues, and provide the necessary information to guide you, and are understanding of your situation.

It doesn't appear that your ex is ever going to change for the better. If he does, great, but in the meantime, you need people around you who can give you support.