Advice/Help Please

[nyqa]

Hi,

I'm recently separated at 25 years old, with a 1 year old daughter. We had only been together for 2 years. I now live in Toronto as I had to relocate to my parents place and he lives a 1.5 drive away from us.

I am currently finishing up my degree and do not work, as yet .

Basically, in a nutshell, lawyers, courts and such are involved in arranging access to our daughter. Reason being, HE went this route to apply for sole, because I told him overnights at his place would need to be a gradual transition. He did not like that, she was 9 months old at the time, he thought it was all about control with me.

We hadn't spoken since the beginning of March until last week where he came to visit me and told me that ultimately he hopes for the three of us to end up together, as a family and continue along that path. However that it has been too much of a tumultuous past couple of months and that we both need to time to heal, grow and learn from it, because we will be hurting for the next little while.

While I agree that we definitely both need time to heal and grow independently, I'm not sure how to take his comment of ultimately his goal is for all of us to be a family again. Actions most definitely speak louder than words.

How should I proceed moving forward? It's simply emotionally overwhelming. First and foremost I want to take the utmost advantage of being back in Toronto and completing my degree while I have the support of my family. I then want to find a job that has an option of working abroad.

I understand I should take this time as an opportunity to focus on solely myself and my daughter. However I almost feel like I am in limbo with him. Do I believe him and continue along my path in hopes we reconcile, or do I take his words with a grain of salt and move along on my path without the hope of reconciliation.

The second is a lot more daunting -fear of the unknown. How do I overcome this? The loneliness and not being able to share information/experiences about our daughter with him is saddening. I also would like for her to see us together and feel the love from both parents. It's a confusing time, if he claims to love me still, that it became overwhelming for him and ran, should I take this for what it is and move on despite the want for reconciliation?

gah.

[standing on the sidelines]

first you have to decide if you want to reconcile with him. If you do then you both need to go to seek therapy together to help you along this path. You say actions speak louder then words but you need to give him a chance to prove himself. He has already said that he got scared and thats why he left, shitty thing to do but he admits it.

If you dont work with him then get use to the idea of the court deciding he gets 50/50 custody. You say you want a job that has the possibilty of working abroad. Better get over that idea pretty quick, if he is an involved father you cant take his child away from him and he may gain sole custody.

[nyqa]

Hi, thank you so much for not reading and leaving, but for taking the time to reply.

I am of course, up for reconciliation, however there is SO much drama, negativity and hostility between us and between our 2 families at the moment.

His family and friends have called me names, think the worst of me and have no respect whatsoever for me.
He has done nothing to help this situation, instead acts as the victim within the situation.
HOW do I look past this in order to reconcile? Is this something that when the time comes I bring up and have him rectify?

The problem was both of us 50/50, however the only difference is my family and friends no one, spoke ill of him to him, no one disrespected him or his family.

I feel like I will have no self-respect if I go back to that situation if issues aren't corrected. Things will truly not be able to go back to normal 100% because our families will always carry some negativity about one another for quite some time.

[standing on the sidelines]

Hi, thank you so much for not reading and leaving, but for taking the time to reply.

I am of course, up for reconciliation, however there is SO much drama, negativity and hostility between us and between our 2 families at the moment.

His family and friends have called me names, think the worst of me and have no respect whatsoever for me.
He has done nothing to help this situation, instead acts as the victim within the situation.
HOW do I look past this in order to reconcile? Is this something that when the time comes I bring up and have him rectify?

The problem was both of us 50/50, however the only difference is my family and friends no one, spoke ill of him to him, no one disrespected him or his family.

I feel like I will have no self-respect if I go back to that situation if issues aren't corrected. Things will truly not be able to go back to normal 100% because our families will always carry some negativity about one another for quite some time.

I am sure that your family and friends have said stuff about him, you probably just have not heard it. Its only natural for family to stick up for family. He acts like the victim probably because he doesnt want to piss his family off.

You and him have to understand that yes its nice to have extended family but they also have to respect your choices in partners. His family doesnt have to like you or your family nor does yours have to like him or his. He has to learn to say to his family "this is my life and the person i choose to spend it with, if you cant accept that then maybe you (anyone in his family) have no place in my life"

Why does his family not like you or your family??

[Mess]

The thing with resolving conflict is that too often it becomes fingerpointing and blaming. Resolving a conflict isn't about identifying the bad guy. It's about both people becoming good guys in each other's eyes.

You both have to forgive each other, and you both have to admit that there is something for each of you to be forgiven for. You both have to move forward and change, because if a person doesn't change, then their bahaviour isn't going to change and their life won't change either.

Changing means you have to give each other space to grow and permission to be different. We can't just expect a person to be exactly what we want, what we think they shoud be. They are going to grow into their own person, and we have to respect that. That kind of loving respect give the space to change and feel safe with our partners.

Family can be the worst, they get a fixed idea in their heads about who we are, and then never want to let us become different people, or being shocked if they notice we are different. With partners it can be the same.

[nyqa]

I mean to our faces. My family and friends have never disrespected him to his face, on the phone or anything of the sort.
Whereas his family/friends have.

Yes there is a huge difference amongst the families, I tell my family the whole story, even if I know they will be upset at my actions/words. However, I tell them so that they give me an honest answer and tell me when and where I was in the wrong. They have taken his side on multiple occasions as they are all for what is right is right, what is wrong is wrong. They have and will never take my side solely for the reason that I am their daughter.

The families right now don't like one another because of all the drama and pain that we are all experiencing. My family does not understand why they cannot show him his wrongdoings and set him on a path towards reconciliation. Instead they support his decisions, even if he is in the wrong and makes hasty ones.

His family does not like my family because I assume he has painted a picture where it seems as if he is the golden boy and the victim, where we are all out to get him. It's very frustrating.

I feel as if I should not need to spell these things out for him. That as a grown man who has a daughter, he should be able to see all this himself. He should make decisions on his own, without the influence of his family mainly because the influence is one sided because of the way he tells his stories.

[nyqa]

The thing with resolving conflict is that too often it becomes fingerpointing and blaming. Resolving a conflict isn't about identifying the bad guy. It's about both people becoming good guys in each other's eyes.

You both have to forgive each other, and you both have to admit that there is something for each of you to be forgiven for. You both have to move forward and change, because if a person doesn't change, then their bahaviour isn't going to change and their life won't change either.

Changing means you have to give each other space to grow and permission to be different. We can't just expect a person to be exactly what we want, what we think they shoud be. They are going to grow into their own person, and we have to respect that. That kind of loving respect give the space to change and feel safe with our partners.

Family can be the worst, they get a fixed idea in their heads about who we are, and then never want to let us become different people, or being shocked if they notice we are different. With partners it can be the same.

Hi Mess,
Thank you as well, for taking the time to share with me your thoughts.
I agree 100% with what you have wrote. It makes a lot of sense.
So now that we are living 1.5 hours from one another, and in midst of all this court stuff. How do we go about doing this?

He works 24/7, I am in school, there is now the distance between us.
How do I even know if what he wants IS reconciliation or if that was simply him trying to sweet talk me in order to 'get his way' in through the courts.

I also feel as if he is not his own man. That he tends to fold based on what his family and friends think. It's about image containment with him, how do I bring this up in order for it to be addressed.

The fault was definitely 50/50 between us. We are both young, immature and have a LOT of realization and self growth to do. I'm not sure if he sees this and is ready to tackle it and leave everything behind us, or if it's too much for him to handle.

At the moment, we aren't even allowed to keep in contact as per a court order. Directly or indirectly, everything has to be done via legal counsel, it's in relation to DV, which was taken out of context by the police to an extreme. I am speaking to the crown tomorrow in regards to this matter and am hoping that once the crown really hears the story from MY mouth, that everything will be withdrawn and there will be no more crim court in the mix.

[standing on the sidelines]

well at least his friends and family are more honest then yours by doing it to your face instead of behind your back like yours are doing. They way you first worded it was that your side never said anything but you corrected that.

One of your biggest problems is involving your family way too much in your personal life. You say he is a grown man and should do things without the influence of his family. Dont you think your family influences you also?? Neither one of you are innocent in that. You need to stop telling your family so many details and decide for yourself if he is the man for you. If the family interference was gone, could it work? Keep the families out of it and you two work on what is important to you.

[arabian]

Use the time apart to fully assesses what you want and what is best for your child in the long-term. It is wonderful that you have your parents to help support you and your child. A domestic violence charge is very serious. Beware of him playing with your emotions so you try to have the charge dropped. Step back from everything and let him deal with what he has to deal with.

I was married to someone for 30 yrs who's family never accepted/liked me. After my divorce these people have taken their dislike out on my son. He is now a grown man with no relatives. I would encourage you to get your future on track with your studies. You are very young and very well may meet someone else some day who has a decent family who will welcome you with open arms into their lives. Look forward - don't look back. He's not worthy of you.

[nyqa]

well at least his friends and family are more honest then yours by doing it to your face instead of behind your back like yours are doing. They way you first worded it was that your side never said anything but you corrected that.

One of your biggest problems is involving your family way too much in your personal life. You say he is a grown man and should do things without the influence of his family. Dont you think your family influences you also?? Neither one of you are innocent in that. You need to stop telling your family so many details and decide for yourself if he is the man for you. If the family interference was gone, could it work? Keep the families out of it and you two work on what is important to you.

I'm sorry I disagree with you over here. Calling someone names to their face is in no way commendable. My family does not call him names to me. They simply tell me where they feel he has been in the wrong, as well as tell me where I have been in the wrong. Calling someone a b!tch, or saying hurtful things to their face which are based on ONE side, is not in any way more 'honest'. I am actually LIVING with my family now, so in respect yet I do need to let them know what is going on with the court proceedings. They give me their thoughts and opinions but never chastise me if I go about it in an opposite manner -my way. They tell me to make wise decisions as it is MY life.

If you look at the reply I have wrote to 'mess' you will see why it is not so easy to simply talk to him about everything.

Thank you

[nyqa]

Use the time apart to fully assesses what you want and what is best for your child in the long-term. It is wonderful that you have your parents to help support you and your child. A domestic violence charge is very serious. Beware of him playing with your emotions so you try to have the charge dropped. Step back from everything and let him deal with what he has to deal with.

I was married to someone for 30 yrs who's family never accepted/liked me. After my divorce these people have taken their dislike out on my son. He is now a grown man with no relatives. I would encourage you to get your future on track with your studies. You are very young and very well may meet someone else some day who has a decent family who will welcome you with open arms into their lives. Look forward - don't look back. He's not worthy of you.

Hi arabian,

This is what I was nervous about 'beware of him playing with your emotions so you try to have the charges dropped'. I am still going to speak to the crown and tell the crown the truth however it will be coming from the horses mouth directly, and whether or not the crown wants to pursue the matter will be up to the crown -they are the ones who called to set up a meeting to speak. The police officer will also be present at the time.

I suppose time will tell if he meant what he was saying about wanting to be a family again and being filled with regret, wanting to make amends.

Its hard because its a whirlwind of emotions, on one hand I want what he is saying to be true. Our daughter is only 1, we have a lot of time to grow independently as well as together, for the better.
However, if what he was saying was simply 'sweet talk' then I am setting myself up for disappoint in the future by holding onto 'hope'

Thank you.

[standing on the sidelines]

I'm sorry I disagree with you over here. Calling someone names to their face is in no way commendable. My family does not call him names to me. They simply tell me where they feel he has been in the wrong, as well as tell me where I have been in the wrong. Calling someone a b!tch, or saying hurtful things to their face which are based on ONE side, is not in any way more 'honest'. I am actually LIVING with my family now, so in respect yet I do need to let them know what is going on with the court proceedings. They give me their thoughts and opinions but never chastise me if I go about it in an opposite manner -my way. They tell me to make wise decisions as it is MY life.

If you look at the reply I have wrote to 'mess' you will see why it is not so easy to simply talk to him about everything.

Thank you

I never said it was a good thing to be disrespectful but you did say that your family doesnt do it to his face, that is not respectful either.

Doesnt matter if you are living with your family or not, you dont have to tell them what is happening. You need to decide if you want to try therapy with him. If he is willing and you are also willing then make an appointment and see if you guys can work it out.

You say the DV thing got way out of hand and you want the police to hear what happened straight from your mouth. How did that get out of hand? Did the police not interview you?

You need to talk to him, point out what you need from him to reconcile and ask him what he needs from you. Tell him the stuff you are telling us but maybe put it in a letter so emotions dont get out of control. You each have to be willing to bend and work with one another. If you really want to there is always a way. Just remember he isnt perfect and neither are you but at one time you both had strong feelings for one another. Will it be easy, no. Will it be worth it, only the two of you can decide.

[nyqa]

I never said it was a good thing to be disrespectful but you did say that your family doesnt do it to his face, that is not respectful either.

Doesnt matter if you are living with your family or not, you dont have to tell them what is happening. You need to decide if you want to try therapy with him. If he is willing and you are also willing then make an appointment and see if you guys can work it out.

You say the DV thing got way out of hand and you want the police to hear what happened straight from your mouth. How did that get out of hand? Did the police not interview you?

You need to talk to him, point out what you need from him to reconcile and ask him what he needs from you. Tell him the stuff you are telling us but maybe put it in a letter so emotions dont get out of control. You each have to be willing to bend and work with one another. If you really want to there is always a way. Just remember he isnt perfect and neither are you but at one time you both had strong feelings for one another. Will it be easy, no. Will it be worth it, only the two of you can decide.

Again, we currently cannot speak indirectly or directly as per bail conditions. It is a very frustrating time for both of us I believe.

I know that I have kinks which need to be worked out in order to better myself as a person, for him and to be a better role model for my daughter. I am thankful she is only 1 and I have time to do this before she will fully understand everything.

I am willing to go to marriage counselling if it means we will be able to communicate our issues to one another.

I will see what can happen in regards to these bail conditions once I speak to the crown tomorrow. I will explain that it is interfering in any type of betterment and hindering any thought of reconciliation at all.

Again, I am hoping that he was not "sweet talking" me. However, I can do nothing but wait and see.

[arabian]

nyqa - The love and support of your family will envelope you and you will find happiness. If/when the father of your child grows up and learns how to manage his emotions you might be able to get along well enough to jointly raise the daughter in harmony. That would be a good thing. You've probably read lots of posts here and can see that "tigers don't change their spots."

You're young and the world is your oyster!!!! Surround yourself and your child around positive, well-adjusted, happy people. Leave the ugliness behind. If your ex respected you he wouldn't let his family talk to you the way they do. That's terrible!! Stay away from them - they won't change.

[nyqa]

nyqa - The love and support of your family will envelope you and you will find happiness. If/when the father of your child grows up and learns how to manage his emotions you might be able to get along well enough to jointly raise the daughter in harmony. That would be a good thing. You've probably read lots of posts here and can see that "tigers don't change their spots."

You're young and the world is your oyster!!!! Surround yourself and your child around positive, well-adjusted, happy people. Leave the ugliness behind. If your ex respected you he wouldn't let his family talk to you the way they do. That's terrible!! Stay away from them - they won't change.

Arabian,

You don't believe it is worth a shot to give our family a chance at reconciliation working through counselling together?
I mean I am willing, it is up to him if he is also willing. I will not force him, I will leave it where he knows that I am open to it.
I feel as if we should give counselling a chance. I would feel regretful if I didn't voice it as an option.
I would prefer to exhaust all avenues before calling it quits for good and moving on.
I want to do any and everything to ensure I did my best in order to have the traditional family for my daughter.