How do you all respond to the petty stuff ?

[wretchedotis]

WO-Did you post in the right thread ? I agree completely that the stress will not go away, but I am surprised/shocked that it has gotten worse !
What's up with the DV and restraining order ? I've never done that and wouldn't. I've been the mom who has pushed 50/50 on dad and made him stick to it. I also adjust our schedule so if he's travelling for work, I alter the days of the month so we still have equal time with our children. I've never made him fight in court for our kids ...

I was being facetious.

Just trying to say we can all be ridiculous at times. Don't let it get the better of you.

Since my 'Final Order' the conflict has inreased for me as well. It's almost like she prefers the fight over the win.

All you can do is control your behaviour.

[Hopefuldays]

Just a quick tip Dorano:

Get some outfits you don't care about and put your daughter in them.. tights are a dollar at The Sally Anne. I went out and bought a big bag of lovely used clothes (or ask friends to donate to the cause and use them for access weekends) and just quietly and happily bring out the "special" "pretty" clothes for dads and if they don't come back -- think of it as a donation to his home and a notch in the rising bar of your happiness... small price for the dissolution of your frustration -- now i need to take my own advice!

[Hopefuldays]

Lorac's observation of the impact ignoring someone who is highly-conflicted is correct but, there is another element that you have to be aware of... Many highly-conflicted people just never give up. Ignoring them can often make things worse.

This might be fodder for another thread but the highly conflicted person is, as you might guess, big in my life too.

So many many times i have "let it go" sent over BAGS of clothes, paid the unpaid bills, sucked up the lies int he community, ignored emails, ignored breeched agreements, paid the lawyer.. and still, we wait, sometimes it is even a (sad) joke -- something is going to happen -- then the bailiff appears and another (stupid) motion is in force.

Brownstone does promote bigness and adult responses and letting go of a lot but i think there is a serious issue with what i call "intelligent violence" or "intelligent abuse" which is this under the radar kind of abuse or frustration that erodes a sense of self and safety in the recipient: like a court order transition time of 6:00 and father arrives at 6:27, father owes $220 and hands me $160. or father has a restraining order of 100 meters away and brings his car nose to nose with mine in the parking lot...

I have to think on a bigger picture sometimes -- about what battles i want to fight: assault -- check; major money like over 5K -- check; splitting or hurting the child -- check. then i let the rest go.

but the sad part to which Tayken is so finely attuned, is the extinction response is huge (read: you take away the pellet and the rat just keeps on hitting and hitting that bar for more, and forever) and i just don't know what to do.

My pal out East took a second job, budgeted $1000/month for her lawyer and just let him take care of all the petty stuff -- told her ex to submit everything to the lawyer and she stayed out of it. Then she started to smile.

I am thinking of doing the same thing. But when i get strong and well again, i want to fill in Brownstone's blanks with a book on intelligent violence and look at what this all really means.

i have even considered applying to law school... and making a difference in some way via that avenue.

[Mess]

You won't change dad. If you could, you wouldn't have had to divorce.

You are still in the process of raising your child, and you can teach her to pack her dress and tights and bring them home, otherwise send her to dad's in sweatpants. If she's that obsessed, she'll get the point. But present it in a logical cause/effect way. In the history of the human race, not one of us has ever changed our behaviour in a positive way due to being nagged. If she won't bring her tights back, just don't let her wear a dress and tights.

[dorano]

I'm feeling pretty silly and petty these days, but I'm so sick of having to replace things that dad doesn't replace!!

My daughter is obsessed with dresses - wears them every day. On the days where she goes to her dads for an overnight or for the weekend she's always wearing a nice dress and tights. Sometimes the dress will makes its way back here but I almost ever get the tights back!

I know it sounds petty, but these are 10$ a pop! And when she's at her dads, she never ever wears dresses otherwise I would have no problem with him keeping some dresses and tights provided they eventually come back here in the regular flow of things anyway. Instead I have to harrass him and most of the time to no avail.

Anyhow... at least 100$ in tights in the last two months. May sound silly but it sure adds up! And now I'm at the point where I will force my daughter to have to wear something other than a dress she wants to wear just to avoid the hassles with her dad in having to get clothing back or replacements at the least.

[May_May]

...I just want to comment that divorce/seperation is a very sressfull thing. The stress doesn't disappear very quicky either.

Feelings are hurt, and often times people act and/or react totally out of their usual character.
...

Because, be honest... you've had a real 'brilliant' moment or two yourself since it all began. Haven't you?

Unless you want to feed the fire. In that case, you should call the cops - file a report. Exxagerate the facts to include threats of violence - and have him arrested. In the next breath - slap him with a restraining order against you and the kids. Make him fight for months in court before he can even have 30 minute supervised access to the kids, etc.

WO-Did you post in the right thread ? I agree completely that the stress will not go away, but I am surprised/shocked that it has gotten worse !
What's up with the DV and restraining order ? I've never done that and wouldn't. I've been the mom who has pushed 50/50 on dad and made him stick to it. I also adjust our schedule so if he's travelling for work, I alter the days of the month so we still have equal time with our children. I've never made him fight in court for our kids ...

[theborg]

My ex was the same with my step son (who has never seen his real father) because she nit pik'd and she decided the dad just wasn't good enough to see his kid and she ended that for her son...then when she left me after we had a few kids ..she also nit pik'd me too death but I just had too much cash for her too win and no matter how much she boo hooed in court about bedtimes and mealplans she liked my cash too much..lol... sad part it's 12 years later and she still nit picks (and I raised her kid from another dude..where's the thanks) ...thank gawd I made it thru and the kids are all in there 20's and doing okay...moral of the story once a nit picker (and bitter) always a nit picker and bitter..but u need cash to shut them up

[billiechic]

s
Unless you want to feed the fire. In that case, you should call the cops - file a report. Exxagerate the facts to include threats of violence - and have him arrested. In the next breath - slap him with a restraining order against you and the kids. Make him fight for months in court before he can even have 30 minute supervised access to the kids, etc.

Did I miss something?

Personally, I would totally send a huge bag of socks!
I've had this fight many a time too, over mitts, shirts, and he even forbade her to bring her DS on vacation.

I can recall a time when I texted him myself though, to complain that he had sent our 5 year old to school in fancy boots and no snowpants on a day it snowed over 6 inches. I just sent her back wearing her extra pair of snowboots and he kept sending her in them after. Sometimes it really is just a "mistake", and the way to handle it is just to correct it, then ignore any backlash.

[wretchedotis]

Since the 'explosion' last Sunday, my ex is sending countless notes about stupid stuff. (One example so you have an idea...we switch Sundays @ 4:00pm and do week on/week off. With the temperature today, our 6 year old didn't want to wear socks. He's freaking out because he didn't have socks on and and now he'll be short a pair.)
This small stuff doesn't bother me and I don't even notice...he's freaking out about everything...I almost reached my data usage max for the month, and I swear it is from his notes ! ha

How do you all deal with this stuff...Do you reply back to these or ignore them ?

You already knew the answer to this, didn't you?

I just want to comment that divorce/seperation is a very sressfull thing. The stress doesn't disappear very quicky either.

Feelings are hurt, and often times people act and/or react totally out of their usual character.

But you already knew that too, didn't you?

You overlook and forgive stupid things like this. Hopefully, your ex overlooks and forgives your stupidity to him.

Because, be honest... you've had a real 'brilliant' moment or two yourself since it all began. Haven't you?

Unless you want to feed the fire. In that case, you should call the cops - file a report. Exxagerate the facts to include threats of violence - and have him arrested. In the next breath - slap him with a restraining order against you and the kids. Make him fight for months in court before he can even have 30 minute supervised access to the kids, etc.

[May_May]

The past week has felt like a big Seinfeld moment when dealing with my ex.

When I first read the sock of coins comment, I couldn't help but think it would be the same as the roll of coins for the pocket...

[Tayken]

I do like the idea of sending a bag of socks, though. I'd try to get my hands on a big sack full and send 'em over

Filled with pennies?

meaning - What does "a sock full of pennies" mean? - English Language and Usage - Stack Exchange

[cmacdonald77]

Our 2 sets of kids have a bag that goes back and forth (this bag has the clothes they arrived in, in it) they change that night and it goes in the bag. We spend a decent amount on our childrens clothes, because it gets handed down (we have three girls), the other parents spends WAY to much on clothes and My ex spend nothing on clothes... Seeing as we don't all have the same idea about clothes we avoid the issues by sending that parents clothes right back... Health cars are in the bag, as well as any tupperware etc that they might have in their lunches. WE can send communication back and forth and don't have to interact with the other parent. The mediator also suggested a note book so the parents can write to each other in the note book if needed. Also exchange is done at daycare, to avoid the bio parents from having to interact in front of the kids! As for the texting, it drives me nuts too, you will never please them... I'm not sur eI would buy a bag of socks to give, because that will just encourage the negetive behaviour that your ex is doing. Next time s/he wants pants you'll get some other story! It's stupid but for whatever reason they have nothing better to do then drive you nuts!

[Lorac]

Ahhh come on Mess we all know it's the washer/dryer that eats them ;-)

[Mess]

Last year my ex emailed me that she was having anxiety about the kids' socks and how she couldn't find a match for any of them. So I bought 30 pairs of identical socks and sent 15 pairs over to her place in one of the kids' knapsacks. Not a thank you, and after a couple of months they were coming over in mismatched socks again.

[hadenough]

^ COSTCO^ "Take it... And GO"