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Is therre a simple answer to the steps to getting through the process of divorce

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  • Is therre a simple answer to the steps to getting through the process of divorce

    Hi, I realize this may be a question that can have a hundred different solutions - Basically what are the hoops, proceedures or steps that must be done on the way to getting our case to the point of getting the seperation agreement. For only the purpose of maintaining me on my Stbx's benefits as for someone who is on CPP disability - well my needs are near my entire cpp benefit every month.

    I posted earlier today or by now it is yesterday now, but I heard what was said and I sat down and well read the response to her - it rang true for the both of us - settle this fair to what really is clearly in the family law act and get it done for both our sakes and that of our kids. So her response was well let me know when you come to my side and leave the house to me - this is negotiating??

    I really do find it funny, or is it sad, on how little effort my wife has made to get "her divorce" in the last four months she has actually acknowledged that she has read the little parts in the act that she "felt like was worthy of her effort", now she is harping that her lawyer advized her, over the phone, to question my eligability for spousal support - our 24 year marriage, I am dependant now on her FOR support and been on CPP for 8 years - and she is entrenched in her position - she won't need to pay support because I won't be entitled.... I asked for myself months ago and I have been told that there is no question regarding eligability (which matches what i have read) when it comes to marriages over 20 years - with me being 50 - she is 51..... My wife's council was - maybe it was what my wife told them but to the point.:

    "What are the normal steps to reach "agreement when one party just is not even listening" We are in the same house due to finances and i do not think things will get done without the judge (time I hope will prove me wrong - I hope). I did sit in front of the lawyer last week and asked the same question "What is going to happen, or what NEEDS to happen - the path to getting this done and expected cost" and i admit that things do not quite click very fast for me these days. He said things twice but in the end i just got the impression that things went in circles - and each step was $1500 to 2500 and up.

    I know it best to mediate but on the grounds (at least up to now) my wife won't even take the effort to understand things let alone negotiate a settlement so sadly I am thinking it will end up in front of a, after many steps before, in front of a judge - like it or not...... there is a chance that she will get solid representation and things may open up to allow fair negotiation.

    So is there a simple method of steps that usually happen????

  • #2
    Make sure you have physically separted within the house. You have your own bedroom with a lock on the door.

    Make sure to keep a personal recording device at all times on your person. This is not to "catch" your ex contradicting something in court, it is to protect you from charges of abuse or harrassment that she may bring up in order to get you removed from the house.

    Keep to yourself, don't engage with her. Coldness and avoidance can be hell, especially if you are on disability and can't get out easily. This will be a trying time so prepare yourself emotionally. Perhaps make sure you have your own cell phone so you can call friends and family in private from your room. Your own internet access/laptop (a small netbook can be had for $150-200). Have books to read and tv to watch. You are probably a bit used to this already but it will get worse.

    Make sure you have closed or are ready to close any joint bank accounts and especially joint debt. She is likely to clean out the accounts and max out the debt to starve you out. I say this because she is not being fair or reasonable and wants the house for herself. As you say, she is not negotiating, this is a clue to her next steps. She won't magically change her agenda or develop a new personality.

    Make sure you have some savings for emergency and some access to your own credit line. Being on disability this is a problem, but do your best. Save this for true emergencies or to begin your legal actions.

    Collect any and all documentation from your marriage and make your own copies. Especially financial documentation. It's not enough now to say "we both own the house" you are going to need the deed. You are going to need tax returns going back 3 years. You are going to need statements of your savings and investments. Or statements proving there are no savings. Factual information needs to be attached to all of your court documents.

    Think about how difficult it would be if you were kicked out of the house and living in a motel and had to collect all these documents. This is the reason you start now.

    Some of this you will be able to require her to produce through the courts, but you can end up waiting 6 months for her to procure a statement of how much her insurance is worth, etc. She may deny having a certain savings account. If you can discretely collect your own copies of all information ahead of time this is very helpful now.

    Call the Law Society of Upper Canada and ask for a referral for a free 1 hour consultation with a divorce specialist. Have a list of your questions ready as well as copies of all your personal information and financials. If you don't have everything, estimates are fine and write up a summary sheet for the lawyer to glance at and you both make notes. Pay attention to what the lawyer says, make sure you ask all your questions that you prepare on a written list. You may not decide to use this lawyer, you should consult more than one. Use this interview to help you focus on your next steps and make plans.

    You are on disability, you probably qualify for legal aid but you may not be able to easily find a lawyer who will work for legal aid.

    In order to push her to settle you will likely have to file a court application for trial. This doesn't mean you go to trial. Putting together the arguments and supporting facts for your case and suing her will be a wake-up call. You may also then ask the judge at the first case conference to send you mediation, which will also be a bit cheaper.

    Given her attitude I would not waste money on mediation now. Start mediation after you file, when are the cards (application and reply) are on the table, you know what her counter arguments are that she will bring up at trial. You both know if there is a case. This is motivation to settle. If you go to mediation now she will just contradict everything you bring up and want it all her own way. This won't be helpful, it will just drain your money.

    When you use a lawyer, remember that each letter the lawyer sends out costs about $100. Keep control over your file, don't let the lawyer do anything you don't authorize. When you meet with the lawyer YOU write out an agenda and list of questions ahead of time and keep control of the meeting. Don't get bulldozed. Lawyers aren't necessarily out to screw you, but they do the same thing day after day and will tend to just treat you like a paint-by-numbers case and will go through the motions and waste time and money on a lot of useless steps.

    Follow a single principal, every step you take should bring you closer to a settlement. If it doesn't, then ask the lawyer why on earth you should agree to do it.


    • #3
      Mess-you could provide mentoring services as a side job ! Great information. I wish I had of known this all before I moved out and ended up in a 'bind' with several of the above mentioned items.


      • #4
        Well, writing these things out is also cathartic for me and helps me keep my own thoughts about my separation logical and focused. That's why I like to do it.

        If I was going to be on-call for someone I'd want more compensation. At least a night out and some gin and tonic.


        • #5
          Originally posted by Mess View Post
          If I was going to be on-call for someone I'd want more compensation. At least a night out and some gin and tonic.
          I'm laughing all by myself...don't remember when that last happened ! Thanks ! I'm sure you've had many offers for G&T nights out ! I will have to think of something original


          • #6
            Mess, if you are ever in Ottawa, give me a message, I know at least a few people who'd treat you to a G&T lol. As always, great advice and the best "how to" get through separation. It worked for me.


            • #7
              LOL I'll keep that in mind, let's start with you and blink and Gary, that would be a fine night out.

              Still haven't bought a car though, I won't be doing road trips for a while.


              • #8
                That would INDEED be a fine night out - I'm in!


                • #9
                  Hey, what about me??????


                  • #10
                    You're driving us to ottawa!


                    • #11
                      I'll drive ! I was just in Ottawa this past week...


                      • #12
                        Great. Just... great: I sense another round of ass-pain in my future



                        P.S. Who's stopping by the trailer park in Lucknow to pick blink up?


                        • #13
                          Lmao! Lemme know when y'all are stoppin' in, I'll get the kids to shake the beer cans off the couch out front.


                          • #14
                            Beer cans!!! I thought y'all had a still!


                            • #15
                              D-uh, not on the FRONT porch - what would the neighbours think??


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