New to This

[Element]

I was told by my common law ex that it was over a couple of days after my father passing. She then got on a fitness kick and lost over a 100 lbs (I'm glad for her) Since January she has been home at night for a total of 10-15 times I have been with my kids every night and weekend that whole time. my eldest 5yrs old knows something is going on and I'm sure is acting out over separation issues (her not being around)

She recently called me at work and said this can not go on, her solution was to have me move out and live in an apartment close by wwhere i could see the kids every night and weekend. she uses the kids(knowing how much I care for them as a reason I should do it) I said I would think about it, since then i have talked to some people and will not leave.
She does not work she stayed at home to take care of the kids and I didn't deny her anything. I dont want to screw out of anything, but she is unreasonable when it comes to the kids, I cannot give them up and will fight tothe end to get shared custody. They need both of us and I would not keep them from her.

She was taking care of the finances but i have received calls for overdue payments and as a result told her that i was taking it over which got her upset and she threatened to leave and take the kids(Can she do that?)

I did tell her that have just contacted a collaborative lawyer for us to be able to deal with this since we are unable to reach an agreement. she felt threatened. I cannot seem to get through to her.
I have talked to family and friends and they say get a lawyer, get a PI to follow her to prove that she is not at home at nights, god even some of her friends have said the same thing to me..I am confused not sure what to do.
Should I listen to friends and family and get a Lawyer and PI.......like I said confused and a nice guy...why cant we deal with this in a rational way...Am I being Naive?

Any thoughts and guidance would be appreciated.
Thanks

[dadtotheend]

So she's only stayed in the matrimonial home a 1 or 2 nights a month for almost a year? Where's she been staying? Has it been a stable residence? Have the kids stayed with her? Is she involved in their day to day lives?

You're rightfully wanting shared custody. Sounds to me like you already have de facto sole custody. Mom may not have officially moved out, but staying in the children's home only 1 or 2 nights a month for almost a year is pretty compelling. If that's true, you hardly need a PI to confirm it. That truth will be self-evident.

The cardinal sin is leaving the house. Continue to be reasonable, but from here it looks like she's almost certainly handed you primary residence. Indeed, it's pretty nervy to be asking you to move out when she effectively moved out almost a year ago.

[Element]

She says she has been staying with her sister. know they have going out to bars. She comes home early morning so she is there when the kids wake up. And she is there during the days. takes my oldest to school 5 days every two weeks (senior kindergarten and the youngest to playgroups. but watches them during the days

[billiechic]

If she is home during the day taking care of the kids then you don't have defacto sole custody, but joint custody. Asking her to mediate or go through collaboration is you best move, as it shows you recognize the importance of having both of you involved.

DO NOT move out without a signed separation agreement. She knows if you move out that it will give he a big advantage. However, this has been going on a long time. You do need to do something. Have you talked to a lawyer yet?

[Element]

Not yet....with the attitiude we can work it out. I am at the point I think I have to do it to protect myself. Her Idea of shared custody is she has them all the time and I get to see them. She plays the best for the kids(3 +5) if they are with her card ( thats what she said when she asked me to move out). It may be hard for the kids initially but others have done it. I never have and never will say anything against her to them.

[dadtotheend]

Move out of that house wihtout a properly executed separation agreement and you're SCREWED - GUARANTEED!!!! DO NOT move out before talking to a lawyer.

I hate to say it, because I don't know your partner, but you will be stepping into a minefield. Regardless of what she says to you, it will very likely morph into a situation where she has primary residence (you might only see your kids every other weekend and one evening a week - not overnight), and you will be paying FULL child AND spousal support for a LONG LONG time.

It's great that you refuse to badmouth her around your kids, you definitely shouldn't do that. But if you have gone this far without resolving the matter, at least go see a lawyer for a free half hour consultation and protect your rights. It's a huge emotional step, but it sounds like you need to take it.

[Element]

I dont plan on moving out and I already told her she did not like it. She stated that she cannot stand being there when i'm there. I am letting her keep that attitude and logging all the times she does not come home.

I can't keep the kids from her I would not do it

[dadtotheend]

So she parties at bars and gets home in time to care for the kids in the morning....What kind of shape is she in? Then she tells you that she can't stand it when you're there...Sounds like a road I've been down. It's all your fault isn't it?

I would go to court, ask for sole custody and an OCL investigation. Sorry to say it sounds like you are enabling Mom as much as looking out for your kids. Sole custody for you does not mean taking the kids away from Mom.