Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

? how to phrase request for change of access...

Collapse
This topic is closed.
X
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • ? how to phrase request for change of access...

    Our youngest child (10 years) wants to attend Cubs. The "catch" is that the meetings are held on one of the weekday evenings the kids have access with their Dad.
    How should I phrase the request to change access from that evening to another evening to enable the youngest the opportunity to attend Cubs? The ex is very particular on how I write requests and it can't be perceived as an "order".... I 'm hoping for something short and concise and can't be misinterpreted as being an order (otherwise I'll be on the receiving end of a multipage e-mail of how despicable I am ).
    I am not taking him to court over this (I'm not allowed to take him to court without prior permission from the court). I'm NOT seeking reimbursement from the ex either. Just want to ask him to switch evening weekday access from one evening to another. If he doesn't agree, the youngest doesn't go to Cubs, simple as that.
    Any and all advice appreciated!
    Last edited by Epona; 12-07-2011, 07:22 PM. Reason: more details

  • #2
    Epona,

    Have you thought about explaining all this to DAD? Cubs meetings last what, an hour? Perhaps Dad may want to get involved as well and take the child himself when the meetings happen during his access time.

    Or if Dad can't because of other children, perhaps you could offer to pick up the child, take him to the cubs meeting, then return him to his Dads.

    There are options here, all made easier of course if you and your X get along, sorry don't know much of your history!

    Best of luck

    Angie

    Comment


    • #3
      Tell him something like:

      Son has told me he's very interested in joining Cubs, as his friends have been talking about how much fun it is. Unfortunately, it's on Blankday evenings, 6pm to 7pm. Would you be interested in taking him yourself? Alternately, we could switch one of our weeknights so I can take him, or I can drop him off late to you that night, whatever works best for you. Let me know what you think!

      Comment


      • #4
        I would skip the 'unfortunately', makes it sound negative when it isn't. Scouts are always looking for leaders and parent helpers so a great opportunity for either parent to get involved. They usually also let other siblings tag along if/when necessary.

        Or the kidlet could bring it up with Dad himself and dad can see how excited he is about it.

        Comment


        • #5
          How about -Dear ex, Our children mentioned they want to attend Scouts. I looked into and it seems the place is XXX at 0:00 to 0:00 from what I can tell. What do you think about this? Would love to discuss options.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
            I would skip the 'unfortunately', makes it sound negative when it isn't. Scouts are always looking for leaders and parent helpers so a great opportunity for either parent to get involved. They usually also let other siblings tag along if/when necessary.

            Or the kidlet could bring it up with Dad himself and dad can see how excited he is about it.
            Great advice. It gets Dad involved and gives them something to do.

            Comment


            • #7
              Dear Ex:

              $Kidlet has mentioned wanting to enroll in Cubs and has asked that I discuss with you. The local troupe meets at X time on X day. Their contact number is X. What are your thoughts on the matter?

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by FaithandMorals View Post
                How about -Dear ex, Our children mentioned they want to attend Scouts. I looked into and it seems the place is XXX at 0:00 to 0:00 from what I can tell. What do you think about this? Would love to discuss options.
                This is all you need to send.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Thank you for all your advice! :-) I think I'll go with...
                  Dear Ex,
                  Our child(ren) mentioned they want to attend Scouts. It meets on (day of week) from xx pm to yy pm. After attending two free meetings, (child's name) is keen to join. Is it okay with you to change (day of week) evening access to (another day of week) so that (name of child) can participate?"
                  Does that seem reasonable? Or would it also be considered too wordy?
                  Their father has no interest in being a volunteer.
                  He won't take them, because it interferes with his access. Our youngest sent both parents an e-mail yesterday (and I didn't "put him up to it" as his father accuses me of!) telling us that he is going and we have to arrange it so he can go!
                  PS I've tried explaining it to Dad -- it took over 25 e-mails before he'd agree to change ONE evening of access to let the youngest try one free meeting!
                  Last edited by Epona; 12-08-2011, 05:15 PM.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I feel you should give him the option to take the child/ren... if he says no then suggest to switch days, but I feel coming right out and suggesting changing days is not giving him an opportunity to be involved and he may see this as you doing him wrong...even though this is not the case.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Their Dad made it clear in the >25 e-mails, that he will NOT take them to Cubs/Scouts as it "...interferes with his access..." and he has no interest in volunteering.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Epona View Post
                        Dear Ex,
                        Our child(ren) mentioned they want to attend Scouts. It meets on (day of week) from xx pm to yy pm. After attending two free meetings, (child's name) is keen to join. Is it okay with you to change (day of week) evening access to (another day of week) so that (name of child) can participate?"
                        I personally think that comes across as very heavy handed. You only give him two choices there, and don't give him any chance to have input into what day to switch to. He can either say yes and feel like he's been railroaded around by you which you've mentioned he resists, or say no and end the entire discussion right there.

                        Just tell him your kid is dead set on going, and you want to do what you can to make that happen for him, so you want to find out what works best for your ex. Leave it open ended for him to feel like he has some control. Then since you know he has no interest in taking the kid himself, you can suggest that you would be willing to switch access evenings with him, if that's what he decides works best, or possibly drop that kid off late. Others have made great suggestions for ways to put the ball in his court.

                        At the end of the matter though, if he refuses to be flexible, he's soon going to end up with teenagers who don't want to spend any time with him at all because it interferes with their social lives.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Ex doesn't want to take our youngest because it would (in his words) "deprive him of access". He's not interested being a volunteer. I sent him an e-mail and he hasn't responded. I fear I shall have to tell a very disappointed ten year old that he can't go to Cubs. Well, he'll be disappointed when I tell him he can't join. (because his parents are unable to agree on a plan to enable the child to join and have time with Dad. Changing the access evening just isn't good enough and the youngest is going to end up resenting his Dad for not letting him attend. But hey, that's the choice Dad is making))

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            It also won't be in your best interest to tell that child that DAD won't allow it, that is not promoting equal parenting, that is putting Dad down infront of his children, which BTW will end up as the child resenting you for bad mouthing their Dad.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Okay. And how should I word it, since I seem to be coming across as "heavy handed"? No matter how hard I try, somebody always find fault. (oh well, nothing new there)...
                              I did ask, "Is it okay with you...?", which is how the ex ordered me to phrase a request last week (or was it two weeks ago? I guess it was a couple of weeks ago). Ex and I exchanged over 25 e-mails so that the youngest could attend ONE free meeting. Ex makes his "rules" which I must guess at by trial and error. Once I've guessed at what his present rules are, he changes his "rules" again.
                              I think he's in the process of changing his rules again to ...make me seem unreasonable (?), even though I've worded my request exactly the way he demanded I do (for last week anyway). The kids and I will never "win" (as in, I can never please the ex, so the kids benefit).

                              Comment

                              Our Divorce Forums
                              Forums dedicated to helping people all across Canada get through the separation and divorce process, with discussions about legal issues, parenting issues, financial issues and more.
                              Working...
                              X