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  • advice please

    what do you do about an ex who tries to threaten you in order to keep you in the picture

    not so much with physical violence but in terms of threatening to sabatoge your career, hurt your family, your friends and your colleagues?

    how do I handle this situation?

  • #2
    You ignore him and divorce him unless he's doing something that's legally actionable.


    • #3
      Ignore him/her and believe that people are generally smart and good and certainly anyone who knows you will not believe the nonsense they spout about you.Those who don't know you and choose to believe what your ex says don't really matter in the grand scheme of things.

      As far as threats to hurt your family/friends/colleagues, assuming these are physical threats, then make sure to document them along with all the other threats and if you feel it's necessary, warn those people of his threats.

      If there is no threat of physical danger to you, ignore him and refuse to give him the power to upset you or change things for you. Remember: Silence is the most perfect expression of scorn. Your silence and refusal to react to his behaviours will be the most effective thing in dealing with him.

      And document, document, document!


      • #4
        does it not consitute as harassment, blackmail or anything ?

        i dont care about the garbage that comes out of said persons mouth but i do get scared when the ex threatens to bring everyone down with

        i could see this person being on the news because this person doesnt have limits


        • #5
          If you honestly and truly believe there is a threat of physical harm then get a restraining order to keep your ex away from you, both at home and at work. It is harassment if they continue to contact you against your wishes and/or stalk you - again, restraining order. You cannot get an order to keep him away from other people however they can apply for one if they are being harassed or stalked. Your employer/company can apply for an order to keep your workplace safe for you as well, if necessary.


          • #6
            thank you

            i am honestly afraid

            i never thought in a million yrs we would get to such a level

            im afraid to go in and report my ex.... i am afraid it will make my ex even scarier

            i didnt ever dream i would be one of these ppl to be afraid of their exs...


            • #7
              Like blink said, document, document, document.

              You cannot take any action whatsoever unless you document. You need to show it is not a one time thing but something that happens repeatedly over time.

              You can get a non-harrassment order even for things like repeated phone calls, but these carry little weight. If he calls again they won't throw him in jail. If he ignores such an order repeatedly over a period of time (again, document, document, document) then you can have him found in contempt, but the punishment will be little or nothing. You can make a point and it will be on record.

              If it affects your career, take it out of family court, you won't get suitable results there, see a civil lawyer and sue him for damages.


              • #8
                Hi looloo,

                Can you tell us what kind of threat he made against your family? Today there is a no tolerance for any kind of physical threats even if it's just in passing or just saying it to someone. My ex told the police I threatened to kill him and they were at my house in a hearbeat. I had no idea what was going on. The police do not take these kinds of threats as just talk from one angry person to another. They have to investigate it and once it's proven or disproved then I guess it's up to the police and the accused individual to prove them wrong or have backup info to prove them right.


                • #9
                  the ex says that he will do anything in his power to destory their lives the same way his life has been destroyed

                  he has openly admitted to stalking, whether it be more or other people that he sees as a problem. i beg the ex to stop and he says he will never stop un until he gets to the bottom of everything and that alone terrifies me


                  • #10
                    i beg the ex to stop and he says he will never stop un until he gets to the bottom of everything and that alone terrifies me

                    Stop begging! ignore his dramatic nonsense. Seriously, you're feeding right into his fear technique. He obviously knows it bugs you. You need to stop communicating with him.

                    He will do one of two things. One, he'll realize you're moving on and ignoring it and stop the behavior. Or he'll continue and escalate it into something you can take legal action on.

                    People here have given you excellent advice. Protect yourself, inform people he's saying things to, etc, etc. Take it and stop feeding his delusion that he has control over your well-being. You feed it everytime you beg him to stop his behavior.

                    Bottom line, IGNORE IT unless its actionable. Many of the people here deal with psycho ex's...learn some emotional detachment.


                    • #11
                      Looloo -

                      Document everything.

                      Do not communicate with him unless there is a witness or it's through email. Do not answer his phone calls - let them go to voicemail. Then only respond when absolutely necessary and by email so you have a record. Many people here have also recommended carrying a recording device when necessary.

                      Talk to HR at your work and let them know there is a chance he could show up and have them call the police if he does. Provide them with a photo.

                      My ex harassed me constantly and even showed up at my work place to talk to HR! Then threatened to do it again. HR MUST protect you so make sure you let them know what is going on.

                      Write him a letter and send it via registered mail requesting that he contact you only via email and that he stay away from you, your family, and your place of work. Make it clear that if he doesn't you will file harassment charges against him.

                      But most of all - DO NOT ENGAGE! This is the hardest one because people like that know exactly how to push your buttons to get a reaction but no matter what you must ignore him - any type of response will encourage the behaviour. Believe me, I know. ONLY respond when he asks a question that you MUST answer - do not respond to justify your actions or provide explanations. He doesn't care and once he has a response, he'll keep pushing.

                      Good luck.


                      • #12
                        thank you everyone for your support i will do my best to not engage in this destructive behaviour. i will also start documenting so that if need be i have something.

                        all your kind words means so much to me. thank from the bottom of my heart


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