Advice please

[Tinkbug]

Background: My ex and I split back in 2009. I had just obtained permanent residence and never received sponsorship or spousal support to help keep myself in the country. I took our daughter (who was born in the U.S.) and my pregnant self back to the U.S. He continued court proceeding without my presence and obtained final full custody and asked for our return. I did not return. Which resulted in the Hague Convention sending me and my child back to Canada in late 2010.

I'm order to have supervised access visits until further court order and have been attending every single one of them for 8 months now. The visits are emotional and the access center advised me to request a children's lawyer.

I fully take responsibility for my actions and I hope you understand why I left.

My ex's lawyer and my lawyer have been bickering back and fourth that they're afraid I may leave again and I understand that concern and definitely understand the consequences if I were to leave again.

How is one suppose to prove that you won't leave the country? Surrender your passport? Keep a stable job with benefits, contracts for mortgages, cell phones, internet, enrolling into school, etc.. Am I thinking in the right direction? Stability must be the key.

I see it this way. There are mothers out there who do drugs, drink, abuse their children etc.. They go to rehab and get better, then they get their kids back or at least get to see them often. (Just an example).

I need hope. Thank you for your time.

[staysingle]

Never give up hope, but do be patient. Family court in any G-8 country is painfully slow. Lawyers bickering back and forth is common, after all that is how they make their money. The lawyers have deep financial incentive to incite conflict. Judges also have incentive to go along and promote delay and conflict.

Why is the access centre giving you advise? Can you request a report from the access centre on their observations of you and your child's interaction?

Also, why did you leave the country and deny the father his parenting and access to your child? I shutter to think the emotional and financial cost to the other parent in his pursuit of being reunited with the child.

An order form the Hague is certainly a big and regrettable deal.

Continue to jump through the hoops and this matter may normalize.

[standing on the sidelines]

you are right stability is the key. Surrender your passport if you must to prove that you are not a flight risk. Not sure why you left but its nice to see that you are not trying to deflect blame instead of trying to justify what you did, you are taking full responsibility for your actions.

You are gonna have to jump through hoops and probably at times feel really frustrated with the system but try to look at the end goal, the kids

[Tinkbug]

I left because I had no where to go. I have no family, friends, or community ties to Canada. I was pregnant and scared. Had no car, lost my job because we shared our vehicle, didn't have a doctor, and I told my ex that I was leaving and our daughter was coming. While I was in the U.S. I called, e-mailed, text, etc... all the time. He would actually e-mail me telling me to stop calling and e-mailing me. He painted this picture in court that I left without a word, but I do have proof (emails) to prove that was not true.

As far as the Hague, the hague convention only applied to Canada having jurisdiction because we were in Canada for 9 months. My ex obtained custody after I left.

The access party is suppose to be a neutral party and they are. My reports are deep. I've had 2 access employees cry at my visitations. My daughter is still very young, just turned 4. She cries, doesn't let go of me, tells me she misses me so much and wants me and I'm balling my eyes out because I want the same. Most people who do access visits are "troubled" people. You can clearly see that that's not my case. So I was advised to request a children's lawyer to help. The access center says I don't need to be there and that CAS will be called as my daughter is emotional at each visit. You can tell it's starting to get to her.

Anyway, thanks for the reply. I appreciate it. I don't expect people here to understand why I left, just hope the given situation at the time clears it up. I do regret it, because now I've lost my only child and I'm just a young mom at 24. I'm deeply hurt and ruined by this country.

[Mess]

In the long run, you are better off co-operating than fighting. This goes for both of you, but the father is obviously mistrustful.

Make a life, and talk to the father and convice him you are sincere. In order to do this, of course you have to be sincere. This can be less about the courts, and more about the two of you committing to co-parenting together.

[Skndlz2904]

Background: I took our daughter (who was born in the U.S.) and my pregnant self back to the U.S.

You mean you've abducted the child.

Which resulted in the Hague Convention sending me and my child back to Canada in late 2010.

You mean you've been arrested for international abduction.

The visits are emotional

I bet they are, no child should ever go through this.

I hope you understand why I left.

Sure I do.

How is one suppose to prove that you won't leave the country? Surrender your passport? Keep a stable job with benefits, contracts for mortgages, cell phones, internet, enrolling into school, etc.. Am I thinking in the right direction?

You're thinking in the right direction.

I see it this way. There are mothers out there who do drugs, drink, abuse their children etc.. They go to rehab and get better, then they get their kids back or at least get to see them often. (Just an example).

Obviously, you're a much better mother than those so it shouldn't be a problem for you.

[Skndlz2904]

I have no family, friends, or community ties to Canada.

Same here. You gave me a good idea, I'm boarding the plane with my two kids on their next visit.

Most people who do access visits are "troubled" people. You can clearly see that that's not my case.

You've abducted the child, went in hiding, ex had to take you to court to obtain international warrant to see his child and you're on supervised visits with your daughter. Yes, I can clearly see that's not your case.

I'm deeply hurt and ruined by this country.

I guess the Judge saw your sympathetic views of this Country and gave you full custody.

[blinkandimgone]

Clearly you've read only the parts of the posts that suited you. She contacted him many times to arrange visitation, he cut off all communication. She never claimed to have gine into hiding. Your posts are entirely pointless, why don't you ever try posting someting constructive instead of bitter and angry like usual.

[standing on the sidelines]

Clearly you've read only the parts of the posts that suited you. She contacted him many times to arrange visitation, he cut off all communication. She never claimed to have gine into hiding. Your posts are entirely pointless, why don't you ever try posting someting constructive instead of bitter and angry like usual.

I agree totally. The op has proof that she tired to email and contact him and before she left she told him she was leaving. For him to tell her to stop contacting him showed his lack of response to her.

[Mess]

I've told my ex that I want her to stop calling and texting me as well. She's my ex. I want HER out of my life. That doesn't mean I want to lose my children.

I'm sure that calls and texts and emails made him feel really warm and fuzzy. Ummm, not. I'm actually sure he was upset, for all we know having anxiety and panic attacks over the complete loss of his child.

Saying to the other parent "Hey, I'm leaving the country with your child and not coming back! Don't worry, I'll text you!!" strangely doesn't leave me feeling all warm and fuzzy. I don't quite understand how telling someone you are leaving lessens the culpability of abduction.

I tried not to judge Tinkbug in my response above, but by the same token, lets not judge her ex either.

[blinkandimgone]

I totally get what you're saying about not wanting the ex in your life, but the fact remains that you DO need to have lines of communication open to coordinate visitation etc for the kids. He may not have wanted her in his life but it makes it pretty hard for her to make sure he can see his kids if he won't communicate with her at all.

[Mess]

She gives no indication that she was offering for him to see his kids.

My point is, we have emotions. He may have been having anxiety attacks, been over the top emotionally and found her texts and emails were torturing him. Meanwhile, she is going through the motions to give a thin appearance of allowing communication.

I'm a smart, strong capable person. There were times when at the height of our conflict my ex was digging away me every chance she could in ways only she knew best and it was all I could do to not respond by screaming into the phone or replying with an email that would end all communcation. I managed because my cousin was working at my lawyer's firm and basicly hand-held me through months of it.

The simple statement "He would actually e-mail me telling me to stop calling and e-mailing me." has no context. He didn't make this statement in a vacuum, he made it in response to a complex situation filled with complex emotions.

It is very manipulative to make a statement like "I left because I had no where to go. I have no family, friends, or community ties to Canada. I was pregnant and scared...." and provide context to one's own actions, but to then refer to a vague assertion by the ex without any context as to why he would have made it.

[Rioe]

I left because I had no where to go. I have no family, friends, or community ties to Canada. I was pregnant and scared. Had no car, lost my job because we shared our vehicle, didn't have a doctor, and I told my ex that I was leaving and our daughter was coming.

Too late to fix them of course, but here are where all the mistakes were made. He should have paid you child support right away, you should have pushed for equalization so you would have had some assets, such as the ability to buy a new car, etc. Did he respond to your notice about leaving? Did you have reasonable grounds to believe he would have been upset by you taking your daughter? Something COULD have been worked out at that point.

While I was in the U.S. I called, e-mailed, text, etc... all the time. He would actually e-mail me telling me to stop calling and e-mailing me. He painted this picture in court that I left without a word, but I do have proof (emails) to prove that was not true.

That proof will hopefully come in handy in court to prove you didn't 100% run away. Just 99%.

The access party is suppose to be a neutral party and they are. My reports are deep. I've had 2 access employees cry at my visitations. My daughter is still very young, just turned 4. She cries, doesn't let go of me, tells me she misses me so much and wants me and I'm balling my eyes out because I want the same.

You may not be drug addicted like other parents you see at the access centre, but you are a danger to the child. Your visits are supervised to ensure you don't abduct her again.

All this crying is a vicious cycle, and as the adult, it is your job to stop it. Keep it together during visits with your daughter, act happy, play with her instead of just hugging her. She doesn't understand what's going on or why you are crying, so just stop it. She misses you because, through your own misguided actions, you were all she had for nearly a year. Assure her that her father loves her, and so do you, and you are working hard to earn a way to be a bigger part of her life again. You are not going to get what you want (sole custody back) so stop crying over it and move forwards. Keep in mind you may be having post-partum hormones involved too.

Anyway, thanks for the reply. I appreciate it. I don't expect people here to understand why I left, just hope the given situation at the time clears it up. I do regret it, because now I've lost my only child and I'm just a young mom at 24.

Sorry if I'm opening wounds, but only child? What happened to the second pregnancy?

I'm deeply hurt and ruined by this country.

Canada has done nothing to you that you didn't bring on yourself. Your ex left you without a safety net, so blame him, not the country. Had you applied for social assistance after the breakup, Canada would have looked after you. You left with the child, in contravention of family law, and got dragged back, by law, so blame yourself, not the country. Had the countries been reversed, would you now be blaming the US for dragging you back?

As for advice, you need to look at what is possible, and decide what you want and work towards it. Do you want to return to the US, and have your child(ren) visit you on holidays and during school vacations? Do you want to live in Canada and see your child(ren) every other weekend, or work to 50-50 shared custody? As you have learned, there is no legal way to keep your ex from sharing your child(ren)'s life.

Step One is easy. Do lots and lots of research to find out all the possible ending options available to you in this situation. Then work towards them. They all start with one essential element: proving to the law (through the court, the supervised access centre and your ex) that you are no longer a danger of fleeing with the child(ren) to the US or further and doing a better job of hiding from the law. To do that, you have to handle the visits better. Don't just cry through them, teach your child, play with your child, show you are a good parent with your child's best interests, which includes her father's presence in her life, at heart. Make them productive, not painful. Cry the whole day afterwards if you need to, just don't cry during them. USE them.

Good luck.

[Skndlz2904]

Clearly you've read only the parts of the posts that suited you. She contacted him many times to arrange visitation, he cut off all communication. She never claimed to have gine into hiding. Your posts are entirely pointless, why don't you ever try posting someting constructive instead of bitter and angry like usual.

You think father went to Court once, told his little story and Judge granted him custody? You think Judge didn't examine all the evidence properly? You think the court system is a joke and a Judge is a moron? Have you ever been in Court?

He probably spent a fortune with numerous court appearences, lawyers, police investigations etc. You think getting a child back from another country is a walk in the park. He probably went before a judge like 50-60 times before he could make any kind of progress. Hence it took two years.

If you believe otherwise you should really stop talking to your cats.

[standing on the sidelines]

You think father went to Court once, told his little story and Judge granted him custody? You think Judge didn't examine all the evidence properly? You think the court system is a joke and a Judge is a moron? Have you ever been in Court?

He probably spent a fortune with numerous court appearences, lawyers, police investigations etc. You think getting a child back from another country is a walk in the park. He probably went before a judge like 50-60 times before he could make any kind of progress. Hence it took two years.

If you believe otherwise you should really stop talking to your cats.

Umm you are jumping to conclusions about the fathers feelings, how much money he spend and the judges competence. Some of the things I have seen on here posted about some stuff judges have ruled makes me feel like some judges are morons. The judge did not have all the evidence so he could not examine it all.

What she did was wrong, im not disputing that but by the same token he probably wasnt helping the situation