$, Custody, and ALL

[salsero12]

Hi there:

Have a few things on my plate right now and I don't know how to deal with them. May be you can help me. I have two lovely kids, 7 year old girl and 3 year old boy. My ex has full custody of the kids with me access to them every other weekend and I get to see them on Tues, Wed, Thurs from 4:30 to 7pm. I live in Toronto.

I got divorced this year, and I have a separation agreement in place. In it, it says that the kids are with mom on December 24 and December 31 on even years, and on odd years the kids are with me. I got an email today from the ex and she wants the kids for Xmas this year on the 24 and New years eve, even though is my turn with them this year (December 24th is a big day in Latin American culture, and we agreed to have the kids on alternate years on that day, same with new years eve.

Can she do this? What can do I to stop her from doing this? Can I just ignore this and on that day show up with the cops and let them take the kids (I really do not want to put my kids through this) but the ex will not bully me around.

Second point is this: I live 90 minutes away via public transportation from the kids for the past year and half. For this main reason I agreed to the above conditions. Now, I found a 1 bedroom apartment with a solarium which will be converted into a bedroom for my girl and the bedroom will be shared with my son. Now I'm only 20 minutes from their place via public transport.

How can I change my custody to 50%? I sent her an email detailing the schedule to fulfill the 50% criteria (Every Mon and Tues with me and every other weekend). she does not want this.

Last issue, if I may is this: My girl needed braces. The total cost is $1900. In our Separation Agreement we agreed to pay half of all special circumstances such as braces. So my ex needs to pay $950.

I have insurance through work that will pay for half of the total cost, she knows this, some how she was able to find out this out. So i will only pay for half of my portion of the $950 that belongs to me ($425 from the insurance and $425 out of pocket expense). She has on her mind that she will only pay for half of what she needs to pay because of the insurance paying for half of the treatment (so she think is only $425).

How can I make her pay for half of the total treatment ($950)? Or is she right by only paying for half of the amount that belongs to her with the assumption that my insurance will pay for the other half?

I was adviced to take take her to court, however, I do not have the $$$ to pay a lawyer, so I'm thinking in representing myself. Not sure how to proceed. Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

Salsero12

[DunnMom]

Without knowing how long you have been separated and how old the kids' are now, I can't comment on whether or not you'll be successful now pursuing a 50/50 access schedule.

As for the braces ... this I can comment on ... it's GREAT that you have benefits available through your work. But the cost out of pocket to be paid by parents is split AFTER all deductions. So if braces cost $1,900 (and if they do can you please message me as to WHERE since my quotes are all $5,000 - $7,500 per child) ... and your benefits pay half (so $850.00), then the actual cost of the braces is now $850.00. That means since your ex and you are req'd to share those expenses 50/50 that she pays $425 and you pay $425.

[Rioe]

However, if there's a premium to have your children on your insurance, your ex should be paying the cost of that as a section 7 expense. If she doesn't pay it, how can she expect to benefit from it?

And, braces at age 7?? Ouch!

As for your other questions, you would have to go back to court to get the access schedule changed to 50-50, as it involves a change to your separation agreement. So you'll need to have good arguments for making the change.

For the holiday schedule, do your best to convince her to stick to the agreed upon schedule. Letting her change it at her whim is starting on a slippery slope. However. You can maybe use this to your advantage. Tell her you'll permit (make it sound like you are in control) the children to be with her for those days in exchange for MORE than the usual access in trade. Like an extra day a week from now on. Get your foot in the door towards 50-50.

[salsero12]

Without knowing how long you have been separated and how old the kids' are now, I can't comment on whether or not you'll be successful now pursuing a 50/50 access schedule.

As for the braces ... this I can comment on ... it's GREAT that you have benefits available through your work. But the cost out of pocket to be paid by parents is split AFTER all deductions. So if braces cost $1,900 (and if they do can you please message me as to WHERE since my quotes are all $5,000 - $7,500 per child) ... and your benefits pay half (so $850.00), then the actual cost of the braces is now $850.00. That means since your ex and you are req'd to share those expenses 50/50 that she pays $425 and you pay $425.

Hi:

Thanks for the quick reply. I was separated on Feb 16, 2010, and I was granted a divorced on April 24th. The kids have been coming over every other weekend since end of April 2010. My daughter is 7 years old, and my son is 3.5 years old.

Total Cost of the retainer is $1900 (Sorry, not braces). Insurance will cover for 50% of the cost to a max of $2000. Already used $450 from this $2000 for X-rays, consults, etc.

Anything else you need? Sorry not sure how to private message you.

Salsero12

[salsero12]

Hi Rioe:

Thanks for the advice. I send her the email requesting for one more night (Mondays) for exchange of the Xmas time off. Waiting now for her response which will be NO.

[raven70]

Material change

Custody, support(s), access are fluid. Meaning life changes,circumstances
change and so does agreements and Court Orders.

Don't sweat the small stuff, the braces just pay 450 each, Christmas is a
larger issue because it sets a precident that your ex partner is not considering
your agreement and thinking of herself.

The largest issue is your future access, I did not want Court either, but on
many occasions, with and without a lawyer was never denied access that i
was seeking.

Form 14a and 14b from my recollection, it what it will take for you to ask the
law about altering your custody and access.

Good luck, the Raven

[HammerDad]

Also, regarding her request to change the holidays this year, I would simply state that, "In accordance with clause X of our agreement/court order, I intend to exercise my parenting with the children over the December holidays. I have made plans for the children with family and look forward to enjoying the holidays with them."

You are under no obligation to say yes, but put in writing that you don't agree. Should she deny access to you on these dates, you can take her to court for contempt.

[MommaMouse]

I would not give up your access on christmas.

It sounds like you have a good case to go back to court and get joint custody. I would start with asking her is she would agree, then if she doesn't go see a lawyer.

[momof6]

I agree that you should try to gain joint custody, however, the court may not be too willing if the current order was made recently and on consent.

As for the holidays, once you have chosen the "let's just follow the court order and not deviate" path, you have closed the door on future exchanges, in all probability. If you want to work out a different holiday arrangement, it is your choice. Get it in writing and make it clear that it is only this year, etc..

[salsero12]

Hi: I have put it on writing, actually, this is what I wrote

"Hello:

I will permit this change in the Separation Agreement for this YEAR ONLY if you ALLOW the kids to sleep over with me one extra day during the week (Mondays).

This is my compromise.

Let me know your answer"

[salsero12]

suggestions?

any more suggestions? planning to start cour proceedings next week. should I do it or wait a bit? What do you recommend?

Thanks for the help

salsero12

[blinkandimgone]

I would suggest not using the word 'allow' as you give her the impression she has the right to give or take access at her convenience and asking her to revisit the current access arrangement to something that is more MUTUALLY suitable.