Passports

[May_May]

My ex have been physically separated since Jan.1. He lives in our marital house (still waiting for settlement for my half). Since then we have done 50/50 with the children but have no legal document for visitation signed off on (as of yet-in progress).

Documented Via email he took the kids away last week, and I was taking them away this week. He knew (in the note) I needed the passports (which are at the marital house) and said OK. Tonite he wouldn't give them to me when I picked up the boys, and said he would drop them off. He just called and sarcastically said he doesn't have them/can't find them.

What do I do ? Can he keep the passports from me ? I believe these are legal documents that should be available for both parents, and as he is withholding them from me I could call the police ? Any thoughts/ideas ?

[lorlaman]

Same issue with me

My ex kept passports, birth certificates and health cards and she NEVER sees the kids. My lawyer asked her 4 times for them by letter......NOPE!!!!

I replaced the health cards (reported lost) after I had to pay the Doctor twice for no cards.

[red6419]

this sucks.

you do have to file a police report for stolen passports in order to replace them. You only need a notarized letter for lost ones. since you don't know what they are I suggest you fill out a police report. when you fill out that police report you let them know that the last known person to have the passports was your ex and you've been informed that they have been lost and/or stolen. Pretty sure you can get this cleared up with a phone call from the police asking him to confirm the report you've filed. He may just say to the police that there's been a misunderstand and he's got them with him.

but what a crappy week to start your vacation.

PS - you do have notarized travel letters from him to cross the boarder right? this is essential.

[Gary_P]

I would do almost the same thing but ......

I would advise the ex in writing that based on his statement that he cannot find the passports, you will file a police report first thing tomorrow morning and also contact Passport Canada and advise them they are stolen or missing. You have no problem taking the kids down to the passport office and getting new emergency passports issued and pick them up when they are ready. Please my dear hubby have another look around the house and if you find them let me know what you find.

This will make him understand that when the new passports are issued they will be in YOUR posession and he most likely will never be able to travel across the border with the kids.

Sometimes a little creative enticement goes a long way.

[May_May]

Thanks everyone...
Gary-great advice. I called and left him a voicemail, letting him know that if he couldn't find them, I'd be going to file a report with the police, and then notifying my lawyer and then heading to the passport office to file with them.
Moments later a text from him to my eldest son telling him to get the passports from xxxx location in the house and give them to mom.

I don't understand why the bother ! Silly games...I've had enough...

[Mess]

Let's all chip in and buy Gary a beer!!

May May, it never ends, but if you're lucky it tones down in time.

[May_May]

I don't understand the other 'side'. All I want is to deal with my ex when required, with both of us being 'civil' to each other.
What do our exes who do immature acts as such, get out of causing these difficult situations ? It was a joint decision and both of us let the marriage fail. Why not just handle required interactions as quickly and amicably as possible ?
FRUSTRATION ! Where's the scotch...ha

[Gary_P]

May May

I divorced in 2001. I have recently had to block her emails and ask her not to communicate with me in any form or fashion unless it is directly related to the kids

In my case it just never stops.

I drive 6 hours every second Friday from Montreal to Waterloo to spend the weekend with the kids and drive back on Sunday nights from 6pm to midnight Some people think that is very admirable. I have done it for 10 years and put over 60,000 km,s a year on a car. God forbid I arrive at 610 pm not 6pm. Mid February with 4 feet of snow on the 401 is not an excuse to be late.

Welcome to our world.

[Mess]

I've said to my ex a dozen times that we need to treat each other like co-workers, we have the same clients, we just work with them (the kids) at different times. We have to co-operate, we have to share information, we have to co-ordinate, but we don't have to like each other or even see each other.

She's fine for weeks and sometimes months, then freaks out about something and likes to take it out on me. She needs a scapegoat. I've grown to ignore it.

[May_May]

Why do these odd creatures do this ? What do they get out of it ?
Is there any hope of ever changing my ex or do I have to learn how to ignore it ?

Gary-You must have the patience of a saint if you've only recently had to block emails. I had to direct all his calls straight into voicemail so I wasn't caught off guard with his 'rants', and blocked receiving of all his texts a couple of months ago (so that is only after 6 months for me ! )

Mess-I like the analogy and will probably use the same term next time he has a rant (2 minutes to countdown...1....)

[wretchedotis]

I don't understand the other 'side'. All I want is to deal with my ex when required, with both of us being 'civil' to each other.
What do our exes who do immature acts as such, get out of causing these difficult situations ? It was a joint decision and both of us let the marriage fail. Why not just handle required interactions as quickly and amicably as possible ?
FRUSTRATION ! Where's the scotch...ha

You know what - I face a contrary ex on a daily basis - and as much as I like to think that it's all her fault.... It's not. We all (every one of us) bring it on ourselves. We may think we are being good and polite and civil - but we do something that twists the other, and then the games begin.
Perhaps this is an over-statement. But the principal is sound. Two for a marriage to fail, two for a post-marriage to fail.
It is YOUR job, if you truly are the elevated parent, to FIND A WAY THAT WORKS.

Get used to it.

[inseperationhell]

OMG....I am just 4 months into the stupidness of seperation, heading to mediation and was (am) hoping that the unreasonable behaviour will end at some point. Your posts are not inspiring confidence. How does everyone deal without falling off the cliff of sanity?

[red6419]

8 years of insanity. its fine for a while, we seem to be able to make something work, and then POOF - all gone in a second and its back in the middle of world war III.

I wholeheartedly disagree that it takes two to create conflict. It can only take one to create conflict. You can be the most agreeable, kind, openhearted person, who lives by your word, follows agreements to a "t", gives and takes and still end up sitting with your kids in the middle of the rubble from world war III and wondering what the hell just happened. After getting bombed a few times, and fully believing that bombing back isn't the answer, you build up your wall and hope the hell its strong enough to keep out the bombs that get fired the next time. I'm not say this is always the case - but one person can be the one to create and maintain conflict - no matter how accommodating the other person it.

[Mess]

It only takes one person to create a conflict. It takes two people to maintain a conflict. There are various strategies to resolve conflict, and then there is the strategy of removing yourself if all else fails.

There are strategies for maintaining conflict and escalating conflict too. They work really well.

Why do people act this way? I doubt they are conciously aware most of the time. When they are aggressive, it forces you to be defensive. When they are on top, you are on the bottom. When they are criticizing it forces you to be explaining and apologizing.

Aggressive behaviour is a learned habit for insecure people who need to be in some imagined advantage over someone else.

I'm talking here about chronicly repeated situations. Other than that, we can all mess up and we can all be in conflict, and we can all deal with it.

[Mess]

Gary-You must have the patience of a saint if you've only recently had to block emails. I had to direct all his calls straight into voicemail so I wasn't caught off guard with his 'rants', and blocked receiving of all his texts a couple of months ago (so that is only after 6 months for me ! )

How did you block his texts?

I wasn't able to save texts for a possible non-harrassment order I was seeking (if I forwarded them it just showed them coming from me.) I wanted her to just use email because I could print that off and it shows a very nice date, time and source. But Telus said I couldn't block someone from texting me.

After I thought about it, my ex knows nothing about technology so I told her I had blocked her texts. She sent me one, and I sent back a cryptic error message. After that she has only sent me emails for the last two years.