Access missed again

[fireweb13]

Wondering how to handle this. My ex and I are going for a Settlement conference at the end of August. I am going to try and keep it simple. In April my ex brought me to court for a motion to allow her to move 2 hours away. I had access every second friday until Tuesday, I was active in our daughters schooling and life. My ex's boyfriend had a job at his parents car dealership so he was moving and she wanted to go with him. She won in court and severed access to 1 month I get 3 weekends, and the next I get 2 weekends plus 2 hours on Wednesdays. Either I do all the driving and PAY NO SUPPORT, or she drives on Wednesdays and Fridays as far as my work, and picks our daughter up Sundays at our home. We agreed that I would drive Wednesdays and Fridays and she would drive Sundays, and that she would pay me for my driving. She then started refusing to pay me for driving and I cannot afford to do it. So she had to start bringing our daughter to my work which meant that our daughter drove for 2 hours to see me for 2 hours. Crazy I know but I honestly cannot afford to go out there. So my ex missed 1 Wednesday where she refused to drive and refused to pay. Then she missed another Wednesday where I was waiting at my work and she did not show up, I found out the next day that our daughter was "Sick" Actual fact was it was the last day of school and they went to my ex's boyfriends parents trailer park. Now I get an email from my ex saying that she just got back from the doctors and the doctor told her that she should not do any unneccessary driving so she is going to miss again, even though on Monday night when she picked up our daughter she was fine, and her boyfriend who is always with her can drive. Honestly I want to scream, and I am a very relaxed person most of the time but I feel that I am getting nowhere, that even with an OCL report that details Alienation but also wanted our daughter to remain in her home town, and CAS that refused to finish up an investigation that the Child and Family services review board ordered them to do (interview me about a false abuse allegation) its crazy.

[wretchedotis]

If it were me, givn the shenanigans, I would do all the driving. Then - I wouldn't pay CS.

Its all relative. How bad do you want it? The option is there for you to drive. So skip her BS and drive. I understand maybe you can't meet the scheduled pick-up time - but Oh well, you can't be at two places at once - so finish work and then go pick the kid up. If she balks - go back to court to change the times to facilitate your schedule better.
You can't make people be reasonable, but you can go above and beyond yourself , in order to see your kids.

[fireweb13]

Problem being that she will not let me do all the driving. I have offered it and it would work out ok. She absolutly will not allow me to do all of it, she wants me to do just enough that I still pay support but she holds the strings. Given all that she keeps doing I am hoping at our case conference to ask for the costs that she was awarded either dropped or held until trial. Because she does not want to comply with the order she asked for, she is not doing many things that she was going to happen with this move and now she is asking for big changes in her conference material.

[NBDad]

Do you have a court order outlining the driving = no support thing? If you do, then indicate to her that given her inability to be consistent with providing the driving, that you will be doing all the driving as per the court order.

Then stop paying support.

[wretchedotis]

Orders are really only issued on consent in case and settlement conference.

If I were you, I would fil a motion to the effect that you will do all the driving and not pay CS. This was somehow offered before? It's not just up to her. Or at least it won't be under temporary order if you file a motion.

Write up a brief, factually based, logical arguement showing how she isn't being reasonable and changes whatever she wants whenever she wants.
Indicate your schedule requires a more detailed agreement to reduce conflict. Offer as your solution the previously mentioned you drive option.

However, wait until after case conference to do so.

Until then take detailed notes on events and conflict that arises out of them.
Keep track of time you miss as a result.

All of these things prepared well in a motion where you're only asking for a more accurate/strict exchange routine (thats already been suggested by a judge?) will most certainly win.

I'm a little fuzzy on how you say the choice was offered about how exchanges occur. And how it is that you simply concede she can decide which way to do it. Was this an agreement between the two of you? Or an Order? If it's an Order - then its the document that rules. Not your ex.

[fireweb13]

Sorry for the misunderstanding.
In April when she brought her mobility motion the judge made an order that stated that we are to follow the first 5 points that she was asking for.
They were-
I now get 3 weekends 1 month with no mid week visits.
I get 2 weekends the next month and Wednesday evening access
Either I do all the driving and pay no support, or she drives as far as my work Wednesday and Friday and to my home Sunday.

We worked out an agreement where I would drive Wednesdays and Fridays and she would drive Sundays. She was to pay me $25 for each time I drove as it was about a 2 hour round trip. She then said she is not paying me that much, and tried to strong arm me into driving for $10 which was less than the cost of gas. I do not have the finances to do the driving and no matter how I work it I can't get the money for it. So she decided after me asking her for 75$ as she was behind on paying, that she was not going to pay me the $75, and was not going to drive on a Wednesday, at this point if I did do the driving I would not have enough gas to get to work. So we missed that Wednesday because she would not pay gas and would not drive.
Then 2 weeks later when she was now doing all the driving, I waited and waited and waited for her and she did not show up. I emailed her when I got home and the next day she emails me back and says that our daughter was sick. Next time I have our daughter I ask her how her last day of school was (which was the Wednesday that she was "sick") and our daughter told me they went to my ex's boyfriend parents trailer.
Now my ex is to sick to drive. My ex will not refund me the child support and it is taken through FRO which could take a long time to get organized, and in the mean time I cannot afford to go down there to see her. They are trying to get me out of our daughters life and that is documented in the OCL report where our daughter told the OCL worker that she felt that when they move to the new city, that they will not see daddy anymore, and that new daddy (ex's less than 1 year boyfriend) said that she does not have to see me anymore.

[wretchedotis]

ok.
So after case conference (this is not worthy of an emergency motion) fire off a motion asking for specifically one or the other. Suggest you should do the driving if thats the way you want it it. Either way - you need some clarity on the issue so she can't keep yanking your chain like that.

Before you file a motion, fire off letter to her lawyer suggesting whatever course of action you desire, and tell him/her you will be bringing a motion should the issue not be addressed amicably first.

Forget about the past and your claims she owes you money for gas etc yourself. Just do it yourself. If you cant afford to, stop paying CS and start saving that money in a seperate account. Use it for gas money. This would still comply with the Order as you explain it, so it shouldn't be an issue to a judge.

The most important thing is to not interrupt your access. Find a way. Do it.

[fireweb13]

My ex keeps emailing me trying to get me upset about the fact that I am not willing to drive 2 hours to see our daugter without getting paid for gas. I can't afford it, I can't even really afford to get to work anymore with the price of gas, we eat 2 meals at most a day and have absolutly no luxuries, my ex gives me shit that I don't have a cell phone in case of emergencies. I know I am venting but they have alot more money then we have, moved 2 hours 1 way so 4 hours round trip from our hometown and now she cannot do any driving on Wednesdays for 1 excuse or the next.

[fireweb13]

I have submitted an offer to settle all issues which they have ignored. We are on our way to trial and I am basically asking for all the recommendations of the OCL plus they have to do the driving as they moved. I am close on getting a new job in my home town as I have been trying to for awhile now but bouncing to court all the time because of her makes it hard to get a new job. I am going to be pushing for my recommendations as they match the OCL report which is what I tried to do.

[HammerDad]

I would send your ex a formal letter stating that, since she is unable to ensure that the child will be at the prescribed exchange point for your parenting time that you will now be doing all of the driving in accordance with the court order.

You order says that either you drive and pay no support or she drives and you pay support. Those are your options. You are giving your ex too much control over your time with your child. Your attempt to find a middle ground has also failed. Therefore you are using the option provided for in the agreement to do 100% of the driving.

You don't need her consent/agreement for this as it was already court ordered.

You could state that should she prove to you that in the future she will ensure that the child is available for your parenting time that you would be willing to revisit the issue, but for now, your parenting time is important to both you and your child and as such are going to take the necessary steps to ensure you are able to exercise this time.