accepting a new job

[janrn93]

I am hesitating on accepting a new job due to a court order that I have to obey and I fear what my ex-husband will do if I do accept this job. Here is the court order. "The respondent father shall have access once a month (twelve times per year) with reasonable notice and the mother shall provide transportation and the children be removed from school from Friday at 1pm to Sunday at 4pm extending to the Monday on long weekends"


I have followed the court order for the past 2 1/2 years. The times that I have not driven the children to their father was when he told me not to. He notified me via e-mail that he was either working or not available to spend the weekend with his children. Our children are 4 1/2 and 6.

This new job will allow me to spend more time at home with the kids, only needing a sitter for one hour after school and being off every weekend. I am presently working 12 hours shifts at the hospital, my schedule obliges me to work every second weekend, from 0700 to 1900.

My ex-husband and his father have made things very difficult for me in the 5 years of our legal separation. The latest battle was a motion filed for contempt of court. He filed the motion this past January, arguing the fact that I have not provided transportation once a month for his access. Thankfully I kept every email he sent telling me not to bring him the kids. The Judge didn't find me guilty of disobeying the court order but he encouraged us to resolve our issues with our lawyers. That also failed because the lawyers didn't respond to him quickly enough with the info he wanted so he was on a rampage again. I asked him if he would stay with the children until 7pm instead of 4pm last Sunday because I couldn't find a sitter for the kids until I finished work and he refused. He drove 3 1/2 hours to bring the kids home and called me at work to tell me that if I couldn't be home for them, he would turn around and bring them back to his place. His father came along for the ride. I asked him to bring the children to me at the hospital and he said that our telephone conversation was being recorded and that he objected to bringing me the kids at my workplace. He finally agreed and dropped them off at 5 pm.

This is my dilemma..... My ex-husband has set a pattern in the past 5 years that if he doesn't get what he wants, in respect to me driving the kids and having the kids when he wants, he contacts his lawyer and his father encourages him to file motion after motion...... We have been to court 4 times in the past 2 1/2 years.

I have to be at our meeting point for 1 pm on the Friday of his weekend, If I can not have that day off to follow the court order,will I get in trouble with family law? Keep in mind that my ex-husband is not flexible with the court order AT ALL. He refuses to allow me to pick up the kids earlier on the Sunday when the weather conditions are bad. I have driven in severe snow storms, freezing rain. Just this past April, he refused to let the kids go at 2pm instead of 4pm and when we finally got home, 3 1/2 hours later, there was 3 inches of ice on each lower side of my KIA.

Should I file a motion to change the existing access order to prevent further battles???

This new job has many benefits for a better quality of life for the children and I and I'll have more flexibility to avoid conflicts with my ex-husband. I have a couple of days to make up my mind..........

[Rioe]

Why would your ex care what job you have?

If the new job has hours that make the court order easier to honour, why would you think that would make things worse instead of better?

If you want to keep your old job (better pay?) why don't you try 'suggesting' which weekend he take the kids, so that it works better for your work schedule. Then make sure you reverse the real work weekend, so he thinks he's picking one that inconveniences you, when it's really the opposite.

Or maybe next time he has you in court, try to modify the order so that it reads that the children are returned at 8pm instead of 4pm. That way it looks good because you are giving him more time and it works better for your schedules.

[epinecone]

Honestly..

The children only get to see their father once a month and you are complaining about not being able to pick them up 2 hours early?

[janrn93]

The children only get to see their father once a month and you are complaining about not being able to pick them up 2 hours early?

The court order is at his request. I didn't make that decision and it was signed by a judge. Picking them up early is for everyone's safety when the roads are bad due to weather conditions. Any parent who has his/her children's safety and health at heart would understand that driving in bad weather conditions is dangerous. And besides, I do all the transportation. I am held responsible for the relationship between the kids and their father. He could have it different but he chooses not to.

Some people on this forum are too bitter to post any comments. I thought this was an information site not a bashing blog.

[standing on the sidelines]

Umm if weather conditions are bad then isnt it in the kids best interest to stay where they are??

Court 4 times in over two years is not really that bad when you read some of the horror stories on here.

Maybe you should file a motion to have access etc changed and re-work your agreement with him.

[fireweb13]

Who could possibly be bitter about seeing your children 1 time a month, and I completely agree that if you choose to pick them up early for whatever reason that he should bend over backwards to make that happen. Just wondering though, who moved? Why do you 2 live so far apart?

[NBDad]

With this new job would you have ANY Fridays off? Is the issue solely with the potential conflict between your needing to work every second weekend and his potential time?

Remember it lists "with reasonable notice". If you know in advance what weekends you are scheduled for...send him your schedule for months in advance so he can ensure that he can pick another weekend.

You are giving him ample notice of when you are not available to do the driving. If he wants the driving done for him, then he can pick one of the weekends you are not working.

[NBDad]

Also, if it's a safety concern during driving time, you should either allow him to keep them the extra night to avoid driving, OR offer make up time in exchange for cutting it short.

[WorkingDAD]

The court order is at his request. I didn't make that decision and it was signed by a judge. Picking them up early is for everyone's safety when the roads are bad due to weather conditions. Any parent who has his/her children's safety and health at heart would understand that driving in bad weather conditions is dangerous. And besides, I do all the transportation. I am held responsible for the relationship between the kids and their father. He could have it different but he chooses not to.

Some people on this forum are too bitter to post any comments. I thought this was an information site not a bashing blog.

So you offered him 50/50 and he refused and asked I want ones a month?
My ex also use bad weather as excuse... Snow, driving not good.
Make up? Noooooooooooooooo? It not my fault he miss it ... OK I will drive you do not drive an never drive so how you would know ? I can see it not good...

OK I WILL WALK AND CARRY HIM - NO DRIVING. Just one km to walk... And I am not even asking stroller I know you will not give it to me even I was the one who bought it ... NOOOOOOOOOOOOO


And seriously if was too dangerous to drive may be that would better to let them stay one more night... Just saying...

[MommaBear73]

And seriously if was too dangerous to drive may be that would better to let them stay one more night... Just saying...

I think there's a huge difference between her drive and yours. But lets not turn this into a thread about your situation as it was started by Jarnrn93 and she's asked for advice/help.

Janrn93, I understand where you are coming from as we have a long drive too although we do it every other weekend. Weather wise, if it got really bad I offered an extra night or early pick up, that way I was giving him options. If you just say early pick up he will look at it as you are taking away from his time and it will surely ruffle feathers which can lead to drama and nonsense.
Why is the pick up time 1pm? Aren't they missing school? Why can't he pick them up sometimes? He you always been this far apart since your split?

[WorkingDAD]

I think there's a huge difference between her drive and yours. But lets not turn this into a thread about your situation as it was started by Jarnrn93 and she's asked for advice/help.

Janrn93, I understand where you are coming from as we have a long drive too although we do it every other weekend. Weather wise, if it got really bad I offered an extra night or early pick up, that way I was giving him options. If you just say early pick up he will look at it as you are taking away from his time and it will surely ruffle feathers which can lead to drama and nonsense.
Why is the pick up time 1pm? Aren't they missing school? Why can't he pick them up sometimes? He you always been this far apart since your split?

we will not...
that was just example....
as I said if it was so dangerous why not let them stay. What other options was given? but I can understand person who has seen his kid once a month and someone want to cut it...

for me personally I always try to put my son first.
but when other side always use it to cut your hours with child you kind of in position when you have to weight really hard ...

[MommaBear73]

Yes, but if it's the father's choice to only see the child once a month (as she has stated) and he refuses to do any travelling he should be more understanding if unfortunate situations arise. Why is it okay for him to cancel and she doesn't drag him to court for missing his access time, but she asks for 2 hours and he freaks? Clearly this is not a situation where the mother is withholding access time to be spiteful. It sounds to me like she's doing everthing she can to get the child to him and wants to continue doing so.

[WorkingDAD]

Yes, but if it's the father's choice to only see the child once a month (as she has stated) and he refuses to do any travelling he should be more understanding if unfortunate situations arise. Why is it okay for him to cancel and she doesn't drag him to court for missing his access time, but she asks for 2 hours and he freaks? Clearly this is not a situation where the mother is withholding access time to be spiteful. It sounds to me like she's doing everthing she can to get the child to him and wants to continue doing so.

Well, MommaBear73 what is clear that we do not know the situation... As we do not not know why he cancel right? We also do not really know is it his choice or not...

Let's be honest we do not know anything about the situation...

[momof6]

What we do know is that he only sees his kids once a month, he does not drive and he is a pain in the ass by being so difficult (deliberately bringing them home when she is at work just to make a point--so she can drive a further 3 hours--come on!)
It sounds as though he is bitter and how much of this lack of access,control, time with his kids, etc.. is he directly responsible for is anyone's guess.

I know a couple of fathers who are offered lots of time, refused the access time they are offered and make life a horrible fight just because they can. The men here are usually the opposite, but it sounds like she is dealing with a horror story.

I would take the job, send him a list of the weekends you are available and give him the choice. Let him know that if changes need to be made, each of you will give ___hrs notice, except in emergency or unforeseen circumstances.

If he needs to keep the kids due to inclement weather, let him. Start trying to find ways that will give him more time with the kids...document his responses and any changes you make. Good Luck.

Why are you driving? Did you move? If his father can drive, why is this not occurring?