New Born Baby- Mother won't allow baby to stay with Father

[Berner_Faith]

While I am going through a divorce with my boyfriend and his ex wife, I was approached the other day from a friend of mine, whose ex girl friend recently just gave birth (July 4th) to a baby girl. Things were good between them for the first week, but as everyone knew they soon split... now mother is saying that baby can't stay with father until she is at least 6 months old... how true is this? Mother is NOT breast feeding, nor pumping. The baby is on formula. To me, I feel anyone can give the baby a bottle. Not to mention they live within 20 min of each other so transportation is easy.... seeing as I have no biological children and my boyfriends children were off bottles when we got together, how does this work?

Thanks in advance!

[Mess]

If the baby were breastfeeding, she could pump. She's not breastfeeding, the father can give a bottle, and should.

She is just being obstinate, with absolutely no justification.

If they were living together she would worship a husband who would get up in the middle of the night and give the baby a bottle, or who would care for the baby when she had a night out with her friends, or who would stay up all night rocking a baby who was cholicy. I did all those things when we were married, I continued to do all those things when we separated.

[momof6]

I agree. The baby should attach to both parents.

Actually it could be advantageous to the child: growing up with two homes from the beginning is easier than parents splitting later. If both parents could keep this in mind and develop a plan sooner, rather than later, it would be in the best interests of the child.

Mom needs some support and shold not feel threatened unless she has verifiable reasons to fear the father's involvement. It is pretty normal to feel "extra protective" this soon post partum, but must be addressed.

[mama2bee]

No one will have the right or wrong answer on this, it's truly just personal opinion. Pretty sure no judge would touch this one except for visitation rights either.

I mean give the mom some credit, for a new born she just carried that little one for 9 months gave birth and is now a new mom (even if she already has kids a new baby will make anyone feel like a new mom all over again at first). I myself would not be able to be separated from my new born/ infant over night, not until they were a little older (i.e. 5/6 months). Would have NOTHING to do with fathers competence or anything but it's a very emotional time and bonding time.
That being said I do not think fathers time with baby should be compromised either though so she should be willing to have him there am or pm. Father and child need that bonding time just as much as the mom does. Over night though, I just personally can't see it not with one so little.

[Mess]

Over night though, I just personally can't see it not with one so little.

I can see your point, because of the mother's emotions, but not because of the child's needs. The child is fine and the sooner the child is able to bond with the dad, the easier the process is for the child.

Baby will bond with mum and become dependent on things like her smell for comfort. Wait 6 months or a year for overnights and you are ripping that comfort away from her. I know this full well from raising my children. Even when my ex and me were together, she would spend the occasional night away, for example visiting her parents and not wanting to take baby on a long trip. She may be the exception and not the rule, but she found it very stressful to have a baby attached to her 24/7 and was happy to have opportunities for a break.

[Berner_Faith]

Thank you! My thoughts exactly...this guy is over joyed... he is so excited to be a father, loves the late nights and early mornings and would never pass up a chance to be with his baby...I wish she would see what she has, there are many woman out there that would dream of having the father of their baby around. To be she is playing with him and using baby as the ball. He is good enough to watch the baby during the day when she wants to go shopping with her friends for a couple hours, but when he wants to have baby (not on her terms) the fights begin.

Thanks again everyone!

[mama2bee]

Baby will bond with mum and become dependent on things like her smell for comfort. Wait 6 months or a year for overnights and you are ripping that comfort away from her. I know this full well from raising my children. Even when my ex and me were together, she would spend the occasional night away, for example visiting her parents and not wanting to take baby on a long trip. She may be the exception and not the rule, but she found it very stressful to have a baby attached to her 24/7 and was happy to have opportunities for a break.

I do agree in a way as well with that. I am a bit biased since I am a single mom. My daughter is 6 months old and has been in the hospital since birth so when I think about the nights I could not stay with her right in the beginning in the NICU it was devastating and I will forever feel cheated out of that. So when I hear of situations where all it takes is some understanding and a little give then I don't understand why the mom wouldn't be more supportive of father and baby building a relationship. I don't know maybe again with me being biased I still can't see overnight visits being a positive yet, but definitely having the baby go to dad's every day (or every other day if dad's working or something) for a few hours would be different and beneficial.

I just think that it is important for mom and baby to have that time at night to build a routine and bond. Also though I do see on the flip side how dad would feel cheated as well so again I will say I don't think there are any right or wrong answers or solutions here.

[Mess]

In an intact family where the intent was for mum to be stay-at-home and be responsible for the children, if the bond exists only between mum and child I think that's maybe unbalanced but it won't do major harm.

I think that in the long run, social roles where dad is locked into a role of absentee breadwinner who gets home at 7pm and collapses on the couch and the kids grow up knowing mum as the caregiver, I think this puts a lot of negative stress on both parents. I know it hurt my parents living that way. But if a couple choose this with their eyes open, that's their decision.

But when a couple separates, the time is going to come when the child will be staying with dad. Maybe every other day, maybe alternate weeks, or maybe just access visits every other weekend. But it will happen. The child will need to have a bond with dad just as much as with mum.

This isn't taking away anything from mum, she will still bond with the child. It is adding to the experience of the child, to have two full parents instead of one, and to the the experience of dad, to be a caregiver instead of a visitor.

I get it that new mums want to hog the baby. When we married (and getting along) I used to point out to my ex whenever she was hogging the baby. She totally understood what I meant and loosened up, and came to appreciate having some solitude occasionally, or nights out with her friends occasionally. The kids appreciated having me, and I appreciated having them. I have a hard time seeing a downside to this.

[blinkandimgone]

As a single mom, both 'then' and now, I guess I have a bit of a different perspective. My child's dad chose not to be a part of his life for the first year, regardless of how hard I tried and how wide I left the door open and a full year of bonding time was missed. I really and truly feel that had he been involved the relationship between the two of them would be much better than it is. He chose to be involved after the first year however there is just no making up for the time that was missed and the relationship is still strained even 15 years later.

It is glaringly obvious when you look at the relationship between dad and our second child, whom he bonded with from the start. Our oldest is old enough now to analyze the difference in the relationships and the relationship between the children is strained due to this as well.

Although I believe strongly that mom has every right to want to build the bond between herself and the child, as a mom who has been through it and dealing with the long-term results of dad missing out on the early bonding, I also strongly believe that dad has a right to feel the same way, to bond equally with the child AND that it is in the child's best interest to have that relationship encouraged by the mother, not diminished because he doesn't own the uterus that bore the child.

Whether or not mom is breastfeeding, dad has the right to be there, be involved and have the same feelings for his child that mom does.

If the situation was different and the parents were still together, no doubt mom would be furious and frustrated over dad's lack of involvement with the child if he chose not to participate. Now that they are not together mom is furious and frustrated over dad trying to do the things that dad should and is entitled to do. If it's ok for dad to care for baby overnight when mom is there, there's no reason why it wouldn't be ok if mom's not there.

Just my humble opinion, based on my own experience. I've seen what the lack of bonding can do and would encourage others not to stand in the way of letting dad be dad from the start, not just when it's convenient for mom or when mom 'feels' it's okay. The outcome, long-term, is far worse for the child than mom feeling uncomfortable for a little while.