Should I have Agreement re-evaluated?

[gotime]

My ex left me 6 years ago - at the time, I was told by my lawyer that joint custody with the mother having prime residency was the way to go, since trying for 50/50 shared arrangements risked dragging out the legal process and jeopardize the situation. As I was still shell-shocked by all that had been going on, I agreed to such a contract which included a $500.00+ support amount in addition to half of daycare costs for my daughter.

Fast forward to now - my ex had soon found out that single parenting was not easy, and so I was given more access to my daughter to the point where it has been 50/50 shared living for some time. I'm still paying full support plus my share of before/after school care costs (the total is over $700/month). I also pay for private tutoring and contribute to an RESP without any assistance. Additionally, I pay half of large extra-ordinary expenses that we agree upon.

Unfortunately, my ex is a spendaholic and it sounds like she has backed herself into a corner again (hence my covering tutoring and RESP). She has asked for more money to cover summer care costs that she says are 'extra-ordinary' expenses. Since my daughter will not be in a program for the whole summer, the costs are the same or marginally higher than before/after school costs. I have sent a note indicating that my support includes care costs for the entire year, and that the support still includes $500/month in daily living expenses even though we now have the same costs, but she feels entitled to more.

I'm not sure what to do - things have been amicable between us and I don't want to cause friction for the sake of my daughter. On the other hand, I can't keep on giving and giving as it has gotten to the point of being way out of balance. Does anyone have any recommendations as to how I should proceed with this?

[dinkyface]

Compare your current arrangements to what you would be paying using the off-set method described in the CS guidelines. Without knowing your incomes, we cannot say how they compare. If your income discrepancy is large, or if your income has increased in the last 6 years, perhaps the $500 is close to the off-set method result already (using your current incomes), and possibly you should be paying more than 50% of daycare and S.7 costs.

If you earn more, the guidelines say you should be paying her ... even though your costs are the same.

The RESP is not really relevant - you are making a personal choice to save now for your share of future uni costs.

If you are sure you are paying at least what the guidelines would say, just say no.

[gotime]

Thanks for your reply. I may earn a little more, but the difference would be minimal as we are both in a mid-level professional career capacity. This was the case at the time of separation as well, so I already pay more than half of childcare costs.

I did some more research on CS guidelines, and it appears that I am indeed overpaying by quite a bit considering our 50/50 shared living arrangement, even if I'm making 10-15k more a year (which I doubt). I really don't want to put this in front of a court, but at least I have a strong case to discourage pushing the matter further.

[NBDad]

Regarding the RESP contributions, make sure you keep record of what YOU put in. You should be able to use that as YOUR contribution towards the child's education.

[wretchedotis]

Reduction of conflict for sake of the child(s) is a noble. And serves the children very well.
At the same time, you and your ex are both seperate entities now, and there is no reason to have to give more of your hard earned cash over than is needed.

I would suggest you try to alter the arrangement in a calm and civilized way. Its been several years, so hopefully there isn't as much emotion as maybe there once was - and you two can sit down and talk it out.

If that fails -I guess you'll have to do it through the courts - which can prove costly in itself.

[gotime]

Thanks to everyone for their advice. I sent an email indicating my perspective and noted that since living arrangements are 50/50, I'm already contributing more than a fair share. I haven't been challenged further on this, and things have been civil, so hopefully this will work out just fine. I've always tried my best to avoid conflict and be civil, but so once in a while I suppose I need to signal that this doesn't mean I can be taken advantage of. Ultimately, our daughter being an equal part of our lives is what truly matters!

[gotime]

Support amounts need updating, what do I do??

My problem remains. To sum up:
Daughter lives with me 50% since Aug 09
Original support agreement is based on 30% of access totals $700+ plus 55% of extraordinary expenses
My daughter now sees a Psychologist regularly - I pay half - $380/month.
I still pay full tutoring amounts (about $240/month).
Ex buys majority of outerwear.
Total amount I pay before daily expenses exceeds $1300/month.
Factoring in tax returns and $700+ support, ex’s amount is about $100.
Ex won't discuss options. I don’t want high legal costs – is there a mediation option? Or must I force it via lawyer? Any idea what happens then?
Thanks

[HammerDad]

Have you documented your parenting time with the child for the past number of years??? I mean, you do have a journal where you document the days/nights you've spent with the child right?

See, you want to try and have the original order changed to represent the status quo, being a 50/50 parenting arrangement. See if she will agree to it to start BUT DO NOT TIP YOUR HAND ABOUT C/S or else you will likely see that evaporate into thin air as she will stick to the earlier agreement to protect the c/s she receives.

If she will not agree, or you likely see she will see through your wishes for 50/50 as an attempt to minimize your c/s obligation, I would just file a motion in the courts (if you have filed your agree in court) to have custody updated to the current status quo of 50/50.

Just know that the judge will make their decision based off of the information you present them. If you cannot prove you've had 50/50 the kids and you cannot prove your involvement in school (teachers/doctors and others make good witnesses) the judge will not give you 50/50.

Hence, my journal comment.

[gotime]

Hi HammerDad,

Thanks so much for your post. I do have calendars with dates marked off where my daughter was with me. I even have emails confirming this arrangement with my ex, so I'm not concerned about this. I know that my ex would not want more than 50% time at this point (as funny as that may sound), so I'm not worried about having time clawed back. I've also been an equal participant in meetings with teachers, doctors, etc. all the way down the line.

I'm not wanting 50/50 custody for financial reasons - I just want things to be a bit more on the fair side. I'm actually willing to continue shouldering most of the financial items, but not to the point where it's so grossly one-sided.

Thanks again for your advice - it's very much appreciated!

[gotime]

Following up on this thread, I've decided to take some action. However, I have some worries about doing this.

To recap:
Original agreement had a 70/30 split with me paying full child support. I disclosed my first pay raise and upped the amount. For the past 4 or 5 years this hasn't been done since the time went past 60/40 and has been exactly 50/50 for nearly 3 years now. In addition to 50/50 time, I'm equally involved with care and welfare (Dr. visits, school visits, drop off/pickups etc.), pay half of psychologist bills, and pay the full amount for tutoring. We also split PA and sick days for taking care of our child. My ex pays for haircuts, school supplies and outerwear. When I put it all on paper, I'm basically out over $1300/month while my ex practically breaks even (excluding daily expenses which are equal). I've communicated the disparity to my ex, but was recently asked for more money toward a recreational expense regardless.

Up to now, support amounts have been tacitly left alone by me as I was afraid to rock the boat for the sake of our child and my time with her. I assume it was tacitly left alone by my ex as she was aware that I should be paying less based on 50/50 living. I am going to try and negotiate a more equitable arrangement using the offset method. Our incomes are pretty close, but I don't know the exact amounts. Our agreement states negotiation as a first step, and she has already said that she would need to bring it to her lawyer's attention if anything is to change.

I recently discovered that I may 'technically' owe retro due to wage increases and table changes if challenged. Any ideas on how I can mitigate this? Does the 50/50 time account for anything in regards to the retro? Additionally, will the fact that I have paid the higher amount despite 50/50 time actually be held against me as a 'precedent'? These thoughts sicken me.

The 50/50 time is acknowledged without dispute. Mediation would be a second step. Does anyone have experience with mediation that they can share? Any tips? Am I in a decent position here?

Thanks.

[frustratedwithex]

This is my experience with mediation.

First time, 3 years ago, we mediated without representation by lawyers and mediator was also not a lawyer. I decided I needed representation.

2 years of back and forth with lawyers, and we are back to mediation. This time we are both represented by lawyers and the mediator is also a family law lawyer who will act as an arbitrator if we need her to. This is more expensive.

If you choose not to have your lawyer present during mediation, I would recommend to have a lawyer to consult with prior to the mediation as well as between appointments and definitely once you have an agreement but before anything is signed.

[gotime]

Thanks for your post - I'll definitely keep this in mind during the mediation process. Ironically, my own family lawyer told me to keep lawyers out of things as much as possible as it could get expensive. Hopefully we can reach something amicably...

[frustratedwithex]

Does your lawyer recommend a particular mediator?

After being in mediation twice now, once with a mediator who was not a family law lawyer and now with a mediator who is a family law lawyer, I see the difference.

For me the family law lawyer is the only way to go.

At first meeting this family law lawyer said she thought me and my ex were very cooperative, no hostility and a pleasure to work with.

Fast forward to meeting number 6, and my STBX shows his true self. Not so pleasant now. Because there were three lawyers in the room, I think it could have been worse. There was less manipulation and his own lawyer was able to limit some of the crap. This didn't happen with the mediator who was not a lawyer.

You know your ex. and how she will react, so you should pick what type of mediator to use.

I'm not sure what to do - things have been amicable between us and I don't want to cause friction for the sake of my daughter. On the other hand, I can't keep on giving and giving as it has gotten to the point of being way out of balance.

You can't stop the friction. If your ex. wants to fight you on this or just disagree with what you are asking, you can't stop her. You can only control yourself, what you say, what you do and how you react to your ex. If you can't keep up the way things are, then you need to ask for change, otherwise the resentment towards your ex. will affect your daughter.

[gotime]

Hi frustrated,

I didn't discuss mediation options with my lawyer, but I wish I had now. Either way though, I'll do my best to reach a revised agreement outside of mediation if possible. Hopefully my ex's lawyer is reasonable as I think how she reacts will depend largely on his response and suggestions. If this does come to a head though, I can't fathom that a judge would order me to pay even more than what I am now, considering the already lopsided circumstances. But I have to admit, I'm a bit concerned about it...

I'm sorry to hear your ex turned around and became unreasonable - as you say though, you can't control how the other person reacts and shouldn't have to sacrifice fairness because of fear of reaction. I hope this all ends well for you!