Spied on with texting!

[leroadrunner]

This is really annoying, this has been going on for 6 months now.

I have my kids every other weekend, my elder has phone. She constantly texts her mother (30-50 texts a day). I have no problem at all with this. My parents (grand-parents) were annoyed about all this texting non-sense. So the other nite while my kids were asleep, I decided to see what were all these texts about!

Well, my ex seems to always be asking for a play-by-play of our activities. I have nothing to hide, but this is real annoying, specially when I saw that when we went houseshopping with my agent, my ex was texted all the addresses of where we visited, prices, etc...

This is really super annoying, I feel now like I have a spy everytime I am with them. Do I have any recourse? I am thinking of simply forbidding to have phones when at my place and the ex can call as many times as she wants to inquire about my kids health and such.

What do you think? Is this borderline invasion of privacy? Or did I invade the privacy by reading the texts which were not locked.

Thanks!

[fireweb13]

What your ex is doing is wrong. Plain and simple. Unfortunatly you will do damage right now if you admit that you looked at your childs phone as they will see it as a breach of the childs privacy, and if the mother wants the child to do these things then there are some tendencys in place that are not good. How old is your daughter? What are the basics of your court order eg custody and access. Also how is your relationship with your ex? Could you discuss this with your ex and say that you are not happy with this? Updating their mom is one thing, giving a day to day play by play is different. When I get our daughter to call my ex I encourage her to talk about her day, but what is happening in your case is totally different. Feel free to PM me if you want more of my opinion.

[ruby]

rxplain to your daughter that time with you, is your time togetrher. be upfront and let her know that you will be also speaking to her mom. i would encourage you to build and strengthen your relationship with your daughter.and noit have her put in the middle.

[leroadrunner]

Thanks guys. I totally agree with both replies.

My daughter is 13.

My relationship with my ex is not easy, unfortunately I am the laid-back, easy going guy and I get totally stepped on. I agree with you, I have no problem with calling their mother and talking about their day.

My deal is not so bad compare to other fathers, but of course not as much as I would like. I see them every other weekend (Friday nite to Monday morning), plus 2 nites per week.

I think I could discuss this with my ex, but she would probably totally freak out that I looked at my daughters messages...I could bring it up innocently enough and see what happens, I guess then knowing that I could look at these messages might just curb this behavior a bit.

Thanks for any input!

[dinkyface]

I could bring it up innocently enough and see what happens, I guess them knowing that I could look at these messages might just curb this behavior a bit

Not recommended - doesn't matter how you raise it, the SH*T will fly from both your ex and your daughter! (for different reasons). You invaded your daughter's privacy. I think you could only raise it if you could demonstrate some serious damage to your daughter and/or alienation against you (there would have to be other similar incidents and symptoms of alienation). But even then, regardless of what you might be able to achieve in court, it may very likely destroy the relationship you have with your daughter, given her age.

I agree it is wrong what your ex is doing.

Protect yourself by ensuring that none of your financial info (or anything else you want to keep private) is accessible to your daughter when she is with you.

If your relationship with your daughter is otherwise good, then I'd let it go... and maybe do some defensive relationship-strengthening.

[blinkandimgone]

I disagree. IMO, we allow our kids to have access to facebook, email, cell phones etc and there should be an understanding that children of a certain age are limitted to the amount of privacy they get. At 13 years old it's a matter of putting safety over privacy and ensuring our children aren't finding their way into situations they aren't equipped to handle ie: sexting, bullying, peer pressure. Being used as an informant between two divorced parents would be another.

Boundaries with this kid and her mom need to be set and fast. The kid also needs to understand she isn't obligated to provide this info to her mom and if her mom wants to know something about dad then mom should just ask dad. What a horrible position to be in as a child.

[leroadrunner]

...Being used as an informant between two divorced parents would be another.

Boundaries with this kid and her mom need to be set and fast. The kid also needs to understand she isn't obligated to provide this info to her mom and if her mom wants to know something about dad then mom should just ask dad. What a horrible position to be in as a child.

For sure, I feel really bad for my daughter. Very interesting point you make, so how would you approach this? Saying that because she is 13, you decided to check on her phone messages?!

[billiechic]

She's 13..put a limit on her texting. She is supposed to be spending time with you, so tell her she can text between 2 and 3pm and that's it. If her mom wants her to keep sending this kind of info, she'll have to start writing it down. Explain it so that this constant being on the phone is not allowing you to have quality time with her, then plan something fun. Oh, and make sure you aren't on the phone all the time either

You certainly have a right to check on your 13 YO phone. Shame on any parent who isn't so careful! But telling either of therm that you've already done so is only going to make things worse.

[billm]

She's 13..put a limit on her texting. She is supposed to be spending time with you, so tell her she can text between 2 and 3pm and that's it. If her mom wants her to keep sending this kind of info, she'll have to start writing it down. Explain it so that this constant being on the phone is not allowing you to have quality time with her...

...

I think this is simply a bad idea - you should not dictate specifically when she can communicate with someone, especially her mom. If she is not participating in some activity or family time because of texting or other things, then tell her to put it away, but not because she is talking to mom, because she is missing out etc.

I would talk to mom about this, and don't approach your daughter (except as specified above) - I often tell the kids 'no electronics' for the a certain time period, but that would not include communication with friends, however if they were constantly on the phone during that time, I would tell them to get off. But in general, I would not approach your daughter about it.

I find the best idea to solve problems, is to tell the ex simply what is bothering you, and why, and then let that seed grow - if you try to push it and get the ex to agree right away there will be a fight. If you are nice when you tell the ex (in an email), then let it sit, she will probably cut down texting.

As for going through your childrens stuff - I tell mine that I have to know all their passwords etc, and that I will check now and again, which I have done, and that includes phones (they can't touch my phone, but I can go through theirs - mine has a bit of adult stuff on there! ). We get along well enough that they don't care if I read their gossip stuff (that I don't care about) - I just mostly check their privacy settings etc. Its not a big deal in my house - but if privacy is a big deal for your kids, then you have to decide what works for you as a parent given their concerns, and then tell them the way it is.

Also, I don't think it is fair for you to limit what information the child can share with their own parent - if you don't want mom to know, then don't let the child know.

[blinkandimgone]

Only being allowed to text between a certain time of day isn't limitting contact with the mother, the mother can always call and speak to the child on the house phone.

As for going through your childrens stuff - I tell mine that I have to know all their passwords etc, and that I will check now and again, which I have done, and that includes phones (they can't touch my phone, but I can go through theirs - mine has a bit of adult stuff on there! ). We get along well enough that they don't care if I read their gossip stuff (that I don't care about) - I just mostly check their privacy settings etc. Its not a big deal in my house - but if privacy is a big deal for your kids, then you have to decide what works for you as a parent given their concerns, and then tell them the way it is.

This I agree with and it is the rule in my home as well. I get a list of all passwords, whether I choose to use them or not is typically based on the behaviours exhibitted by the kids. If they appear to be hiding something I'll have a peek, if I have no reason to suspect anything then I rarely do other than to check privacy settings. The general rule in my house is if you wouldn't do/say it in front of me, it shouldn't be done when I'm not there either.

Also, I don't think it is fair for you to limit what information the child can share with their own parent - if you don't want mom to know, then don't let the child know.

Agree and disagree. The kids shouldn't be limitted in sharing info but they should have an understanding of what 'personal' info is and respecting that adults ARE entitled to some measure of privacy. They should not feel pressured by the other parent to divulge any info. I do agree that if you don't want the other parent to know something, the kids shouldn't either.

[billiechic]

Since when is limiting the amount of time a child spends using an electronic device a bad idea? I didn't say for him to suggest to his daughter to write things down..that is what she would have to do if mom wanted her to continue sending that info.

There is NOTHING wrong with that advice, and it AVOIDS creating a problem with the ex by bringing it up. Excessive use of a phone is NOT something that needs to be discussed with the other parent.. that is a "my house, my rules thing". Married parents don't discuss and agree on every little disciplinary action before implementing it, so why should divorced parents? It's just one more thing to fight about.

[billm]

Since when is limiting the amount of time a child spends using an electronic device a bad idea? I didn't say for him to suggest to his daughter to write things down..that is what she would have to do if mom wanted her to continue sending that info.

There is NOTHING wrong with that advice, and it AVOIDS creating a problem with the ex by bringing it up. Excessive use of a phone is NOT something that needs to be discussed with the other parent.. that is a "my house, my rules thing". Married parents don't discuss and agree on every little disciplinary action before implementing it, so why should divorced parents? It's just one more thing to fight about.

Couldn't disagree more. Limiting contact (in whatever form) with a childs parent's in the form of specific 'black out' period is just wrong. Situationally limiting things based on what is going, fine, - but only allowing to text with mom between 2 and 3???? That is controlling, unnecessary, disrespectful, and many other negative things and will probably have the opposite effect - alienate the child. One child, two equal parents. I prefer to think that I am my kids parent 24x7 - and I give their mom the same respect. Its not a competition!

[blinkandimgone]

Nobody suggested that the child should be limitted to texting MOM between 2-3, the suggestion was the child only text ANYONE between 2-3. Honestly, this would never be an issue if the kid didn't have a cell and the mom was forced to use conventional means of keeping in touch with the child...like calling the house phone. I don't understand why the level of etiquette and respect for people is lowered as soon as e-devices come into play.It's common sense!

It's the equivalent of disallowing cell phones - or even the house phone - during dinner hours. I think as far as level of respect between the parents, mom wouldn't like it if the dad had the kid texting him all day with the play by play of their time together.

There's a huge difference between level of respect between parents and general rules of etiquette which I think is part of the issue here.

[leroadrunner]

For the record, I never had anything to hide to their mother, and still dont, but I find it a bit uncomfortable to feel followed like this.

I still haven't decide how to approach this, but I will address it to a degree, probably by implying that she should curb her texting at times of activities together.

I will probably also mention the bit about texting and privacy. And the same goes about the internet, never text or write anything about anyone that you would not want to find out! Thats a rule I live by and that I see I really need for my children to understand.

[Mess]

• "Sweetie, it's rude to be texting constantly around other people like that. You need to keep it to reasonable levels or I'm going to have to set some house rules."
• "I don't question you about your mother's house and what you do there, and she shouldn't be questioning you about our home here. We all have a right to our privacy. You should be able to do what you want here without anyone looking over your shoulder, including your mum."
• "No I'm not spying on you, why do you ask? Is there something you need to hide? I'm not stupid and it's obvious what's going back and forth."