Advice, please....

[Motorizer]

Hey y'all.

Been on here awhile, picked up a LOT of valuable advice on what to do, and what not to do.

Anyways....

Been apart from BM since before the birth of my son, who is now 8 months old.
We went to mediation, worked out a very rudimentary Parenting Plan, nothing filed with the courts.
I have been pushing to get a court order, but have been taking it slow to avoid any bullshit.

I recently took a new job, which requires me to work weekends, which is when I normally had time with my son.
She worked on Saturdays, which worked out well.
I told her I could no longer parent my son Saturdays, and she blew a gasket.
I offered to help pay a babysitter, but she refuses to have anyone watch him, citing he is too young.
Personally, I think it's bullshit, but whatever.

We do have a mediation conference scheduled for February 22, but now she refuses to go, saying she'd rather do it through court.

We have had an informal schedule, where I spent time with my son 3-4 days a week, for 3-4 hours at a time.
When I said I would like to continue this schedule, she said no.
In our mediated agreement, which is not a court order, I have 2 visits a week.
Can I use my documented time with him to continue our 3-4 visit schedule?
Also, my new job does pay me higher. I have offered to pay more, but she wants to go through court for that too. I'd just rather not.

So.... my question is, will I be able to see my son as per the last six months?
We also agreed to joint custody, which may now be in peril.
I'd also like to do overnights soon, which she refuses as well.
Think a judge(If it comes to that) would agree?
I have been very involved, as much as possible.

Seems like as soon as my new job through our schedule out of wack, she is super pissed. Her way or nothing.... don't I get a choice?
Oy.... and it was going so well.

[Rioe]

If you normally have him on Saturdays, don't change that just because you have to work now. Find a sitter or a daycare and make arrangements for him to be looked after yourself, don't make your ex do it. Show her it won't change anything in her life, and she'll be less likely to try to push you into changing anything else. Your time is your time and her time is her time. If you can't care for him during your time anymore, find a remedy for that yourself, don't just dump the problem in her lap. No wonder she's kind of angry.

And you might not want to offer to pay more child support right away; wait for the normally scheduled change to come along just after tax time. It sounds like you don't have anything worked out legally yet, which should definitely be a priority as it sounds like she's intent on it.

[Motorizer]

She doesn't want a sitter, thinks he's too young.
Problem is, I only have him for 4 hours on Saturdays, which is exactly as long as she works.
I did offer to find and pay for a sitter, but she won't have any of it.

Guess we'll hash this out in mediation.

[blinkandimgone]

She has no say over what arrangements you make for your access time.

I think one thing you may want to be careful of is how you phrase things ie:

I told her I could no longer parent my son Saturdays

Parenting goes beyond the time you actually spend in the presence of your child. Arranging child care IS parenting and you aren't required to have her consent to do so.

The arrangement you have is status quo, use that documented time to push to maintain the current arrangement with an interest in increasing the time as he gets older, although I don't understand why if she isn't breastfeeding that you aren't having more time with him. Perhaps you should suggest inverting the schedule arrangement to see how accepting she is of that - if it's not ok for her then why is it for you?

As for your increase in income, you should be paying as per the guideline amounts, when your income increases then voluntarily increase yoru payments to reflect the new income.

Yes, you have a choice, be persistent in your desire to increase time with your kidlet and stop letting her dole out your time with him as iif she has the power to gift it to you and take it away when she gets in a snit.

[Rioe]

She has no say over what arrangements you make for your access time.

Yes, you have a choice, be persistent in your desire to increase time with your kidlet and stop letting her dole out your time with him as iif she has the power to gift it to you and take it away when she gets in a snit.

Yes, right now your ex is treating you as a babysitter herself, and not as a co-parent. Get to court and fight for your equal time with your child and not just what she "allows."

[Motorizer]

I'm gonna try.
I got her to agree to mediation (Again), and we'll try to come to an agreement.
Problem is, she has a set agenda and won't budge much.
Won't even discuss things like medical, Section 7 stuff, transportation, etc.
She feels we only need to cover what is necessary now.
I, however, feel that if I'm getting a court order, it should be comprehensive enough to last a few years, maybe even up til kindergarten/school.

Am I asking too much?
I really don't want to make a temporary order.
I do realize that my son is only 9 months, but I'd like to include as much as possible, to lessen conflict later.

Sigh... If she won't budge, will I have to take my chances in Family Court?
Honestly, it sounds awful for Dads.

[Pharah]

Motorizer: If she has a set agenda, then go to court and stop messing around with medication. You would be surprised how quickly things can change.

I would be asking for 50-50 shared access with joint custody. While your son is with you, the responsibility for his care is your and yours alone.

I just got a settlement from court for joint custody 50-50 access using parallel parenting when my ex was asking for sole custody with EOW visitation. You have to start parenting this child before you don't get a say!

[Motorizer]

Well, hopefully we can sort this out ourselves, without resorting to court.

Mediation is tomorrow..... dun dun dun.

I'm thinking as we both want a court order by consent, to include things like
Joint legal/physical custody, transportation, medical/dental, section 7, relocation, Right Of First refusal, etc. Pretty much everything I can.
Am I forgetting any potential problem areas?

Also, as for access, we have tentatively agreed to one over night a week(Saturday night),with two 3-4 hour visits during the week.
Moved up to two by the time the child is 15-18 months.
Eventually to three overnights per week by the time our son is three years old, I'm hoping.

I feel this will allow me some weekend time with our son, as well as daily weeknight stuff, including daycare, etc.
In short, to be as capable and loving as I can be.

But seriously, folks.... am I missing anything?
Y'all have years of experience, and I call upon you, o wise ones....
lol.

Thanks.

[dinkyface]

Hmm, you ARE aware of the financial significance of 3/7 overnights, right?

[NBDad]

Get the "plan" to get to 3/7 overnights ratified ASAP dude. 42% time is HUGE in family law (unfortunately).

Look up offset table support and CCTB/UCCB "shared parenting".

[Motorizer]

I am well aware of the 40% rule.
Ultimately, it's not about money, it's about spending the time with our son.

I dunno if she'll go for it, but I'm gonna try.
Even with all my research, I'm not sure what to put into this thing.
Probably take a few sessions, I would imagine.

[Motorizer]

Okay, then....

Here's a little update.
BM has agreed to one overnight a week now, with two midweek visits.
This will rise to TWO overnights a week by the time the child is two, with a midweek visit.
I was pushing for three overnights a week by the time the child is three, but no dice. Doesn't seem so hard to me.

I also asked for Joint Physical/ legal custody, which she balked at.
Not said no, just wanted to find out exactly what these terms mean.

I also asked for shared transportation, which she also balked at, saying that she does all the driving now for the baby, so it should be my sole responsibility.
I disagree.

SEction 7 expenses to be split proportionately, with an imputed income assigned to her.
I also asked that all expenses be agreed upon jointly, or the parent that is registering the child ib the program will be responsible for 100% of the cost.
Except daycare, of course.... though I insist that all daycare/ babysitters be decided upon together.

Alternating holidays, but she wants to share Halloween and Thanksgiving.
I'm kind of apprehensive about this.

Right Of First Refusal.

Last but not least, I asked that a relocation/ mobility clause be put in our agreement, specifying that the childs residence shall not be moved outside of a 50 km radius of the other parent.
She agreed, saying only for a year. I nthink it should be a standing order... what would a courts view on this be?
She does have a new partner, who lives 2 hours away.
I'm kinda scared that she'll move away before I can do anything.

And back next week..... hooray.

[dinkyface]

Sounds like she's planning on moving away to me...

I think you will need to have some very concrete discussions on how you will decide on education/health issues (i.e. will you have joint custody)

How the heck are you going to share halloween? Both of you go around trick-or-treating with her? Oh, Joy.

Right now we share our daughter's birthday... which means I get a few hours during the day, and my ex gets the evening. Sharing a day really sucks for both parents - just too awkward.

[NBDad]

Is she breastfeeding? If not, then you should be able to move to 50-50 physical custody in a matter of weeks. Certainly by the time the child is 1 year old you should be able to do 50-50 physical and joint legal, either with shared parenting or parallel parenting (depending on how amicable things are).

If you push that in court hard enough, that is what you will get. Put together a clear parenting plan to move into your desired access (ie. 2-2-3, 3-4 alternating split, etc) and present them to her. If she refuses, file motion with the court.

Unless you WANT to do the EOW +1 night a week screwjob? You need to decide, either you're ok with EOW + 1 night a week, or you want true 50-50.

Pick one and push that. You can get 50-50 if you prepare yourself correctly. The ONLY thing that might toss a wrench in the works is if she is breastfeeding, but by 1 year old even that excuse goes out the window.

AT WORST, you'll wind up with EOW + 1 night a week.

Also, a suggestion for your mobility clause..something along the lines of:

"$Child's residence shall not be moved outside of a 50 km radius of the other parent. The parties agree they shall not take $child move than 50km of $residential area with the intent to move, without providing the other party at least 60 days written notice"

^^^^ That should be your standing clause. Intent to move is a material change in circumstance and grounds to request a change in custody.

Also re: transportation...the typical standard is that YOU arrange pickup to begin your access...SHE does pickup to END it.

[Motorizer]

Is she breastfeeding? If not, then you should be able to move to 50-50 physical custody in a matter of weeks. Certainly by the time the child is 1 year old you should be able to do 50-50 physical and joint legal, either with shared parenting or parallel parenting (depending on how amicable things are).

If you push that in court hard enough, that is what you will get. Put together a clear parenting plan to move into your desired access (ie. 2-2-3, 3-4 alternating split, etc) and present them to her. If she refuses, file motion with the court.

Unless you WANT to do the EOW +1 night a week screwjob? You need to decide, either you're ok with EOW + 1 night a week, or you want true 50-50.

Pick one and push that. You can get 50-50 if you prepare yourself correctly. The ONLY thing that might toss a wrench in the works is if she is breastfeeding, but by 1 year old even that excuse goes out the window.

AT WORST, you'll wind up with EOW + 1 night a week.

Also, a suggestion for your mobility clause..something along the lines of:

"$Child's residence shall not be moved outside of a 50 km radius of the other parent. The parties agree they shall not take $child move than 50km of $residential area with the intent to move, without providing the other party at least 60 days written notice"

^^^^ That should be your standing clause. Intent to move is a material change in circumstance and grounds to request a change in custody.

Also re: transportation...the typical standard is that YOU arrange pickup to begin your access...SHE does pickup to END it.

I dunno, is going for 50/50 right off the bat a good way to do this?
I was asking for 1 night a week with 2 visits, then 2 nights a week with 1 visit, and a final arrangement of 3 nights a week by the time our son is 2.5-3.
I don't want to seem unreasonable to our sons development...
I mean, I would love to get 50/50 asap, but I'm really not sure if it's too pushy.
One thing I don't want is to ruin our amicable(kind of) relationship, and still end up with the typical EOW screwjob.

Man, I'm soooo sick of thinking... my head hurts!