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  • Harassment

    Hi,

    My ex goes through periods where he sends me harassing text messages or harasses me over the phone. He's even gone to my place of work to talk to HR about my travel (a requirement of my job).

    Is there anything I can do about this? Should I contact my lawyer and have her send his lawyer a letter about it? Should I save the text messages? My understanding is that they are not permissible in court. I'm so tired of it and need it to stop.


    Thanks.<O</O

  • #2
    Ever thought about notifying the police? Depending on the nature of the messages from him, it could a criminal matter.

    Comment


    • #3
      The messages aren't threatening - just nasty - like I'm a dead beat and a liar and I'm hurting my kids. I try to ignore them and not engage but it's still stressful to receive this kind of crap all the time.

      Comment


      • #4
        Keep them and log them.

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        • #5
          Originally posted by CSAngel View Post
          Hi,

          My ex goes through periods where he sends me harassing text messages or harasses me over the phone. He's even gone to my place of work to talk to HR about my travel (a requirement of my job).

          Is there anything I can do about this? Should I contact my lawyer and have her send his lawyer a letter about it? Should I save the text messages? My understanding is that they are not permissible in court. I'm so tired of it and need it to stop.


          Thanks.<O</O
          Good advice from the other individual to keep and log them. I think that you also need to formally ask him to stop, not only that, but to specify the actions (with details/dates/times) that you're referring to. I'd send it a copy to your lawyer and make him aware of that.

          Comment


          • #6
            In order to have a viable case for harassment, you need to tell him that you consider it harassment, and tell him to stop. Unless you do those two things, no harassment claim can be made legally. I would tell him, with the follow-up that it needs to stop or you will seek legal remedy, be it police intervention (which usually does one of two things-stops it, or makes it worse) or legal intervention (ie restraining order, no contact order, etc).

            That being said, you then need to follow through with it if the harassment continues...alternatively, if you have a home phone as well, call your service provider to block his number from your cell...

            (I have done it once, and needed my police report to have the phone company follow through...mind you, it was not an ex)

            Easiest...just delete the message without letting it bother you, or set your text so that any from his number are forwarded to your email account for records. It does not show up on your phone, AND you have proof when you need it.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by InterprovincialParents View Post
              In order to have a viable case for harassment, you need to tell him that you consider it harassment, and tell him to stop. Unless you do those two things, no harassment claim can be made legally. I would tell him, with the follow-up that it needs to stop or you will seek legal remedy, be it police intervention (which usually does one of two things-stops it, or makes it worse) or legal intervention (ie restraining order, no contact order, etc).

              That being said, you then need to follow through with it if the harassment continues...alternatively, if you have a home phone as well, call your service provider to block his number from your cell...

              (I have done it once, and needed my police report to have the phone company follow through...mind you, it was not an ex)

              Easiest...just delete the message without letting it bother you, or set your text so that any from his number are forwarded to your email account for records. It does not show up on your phone, AND you have proof when you need it.
              I would love to be able to do that but we share custody of our 2 daughters so I can't ignore his calls and texts. I have an anxiety attack every time he calls/texts because I don't know if I'll get Jeckyll or Hyde.

              Thank you for the advice tho, I will definitely notify him that it needs to stop ASAP in writing.

              Comment


              • #8
                Joint custody with shared access does not mean he gets to threat you like crap and abuse your boundaries. I have the same situation with my son and I have informed my ex that I will not received calls (at home, work or on my cell) from her unless they are urgent. She is to send all requests and communication through email.

                Last month, I advised that she was not welcome at my residence (as she was showing up unannounced) and advised her that she was trespassing when she did it a second time. She stopped coming around. You need to set appropriated boundaries in all situation, otherwise you will get yourself in a mess. Anxiety attacks around your kids, not cool.

                Tell him to stop HARASSING you or you will contact the authorities about it. DONE AND DONE.

                Comment


                • #9
                  I would love to be able to do that but we share custody of our 2 daughters so I can't ignore his calls and texts. I have an anxiety attack every time he calls/texts because I don't know if I'll get Jeckyll or Hyde.
                  No offense intended, but that argument is weak. Indicate to him (in writing) that you consider his emails and text over matters unrelated to the children to be harrassing and request he stop immediately.

                  Request ALL communication be done via email except in the event of an emergency regarding the children. (ie. they are gushing blood and being rushed to the hospital)

                  You CAN have that entered into a court order. You DO NOT have to put up with his crap. Indicate to HR that if he contacts them, they are NOT to discuss your file with him, and that they are to notify you immediately and document the occurrence.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I usually get at least 6-8 lengthy emails, sometimes as many as 12 from the children's father everyday. Most, if not all of those that I have read are accusatory and just him venting. The language and tone used is just plain abusive. I learned not to read every single one. I try not to read them as they come in but instead file them away for a time when the kids are not around and I am "prepared mentally."

                    In response to his many emails I simply state that "I am very busy at the present but will respond to your emails by the end of next week." When I do sit down to read them, I try to just skim through them without reading each and every sentence. I then write back saying, "I have received your email dated, time... and dated, time...then say, "that in the spirit of co-parenting these emails are not very helpful."

                    If he does succeed in getting me worked up, I compile an email in response but do not send it.

                    You could apply the same strategy to text messaging.

                    There is nothing you can do about him being a jerk and "trying" to make your life miserable. But there is everything you can do in how you respond. Respond on your own terms. Do not read the text messages if possible. If you have to read them, read them at a time that you select not as they come in. Let the answering machine take his calls and then respond by email, again detailing when you received the calls.
                    Last edited by Nadia; 01-20-2011, 10:29 PM.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Actually, his arrival at even your work is bordering on criminal harassment and you CAN involve the police; I had issues much like this with my ex - he would leave voicemails that were blatently clear whether he knew I was home at the time he called which exceed 3 times per day. It makes no difference if you share children, it's still criminal harassment.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Re: Harrassment at work, the IAAP just did a presentation on domestic violence and harrassment that extends into the workplace as per Bill 168. Your employer MUST take report and do something if it happens. The following info might be helpful for you to be aware of:

                        slides from the IAAP presentation:
                        http://www.iaap-ottawa.org/IAAPHQ/Ottawa/UploadedImages/IAAP%20Violence%20Harassment%20in%20the%20Workplac e%20Jan%202010.pdf

                        Bill 168 - Workplace Violence

                        http://www.iapa.ca/main/Documents/20...v_employer.pdf

                        http://www.iapa.ca/main/Documents/20..._dv_victim.pdf

                        Check out the sections on what's considered domestic or intimate partner abuse/harrassment and how your employer is expected to deal with it.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          I agree with Kimberley - this could be more than an upset x. I would seriously considering calling the police to at least make a report of anything over the top. Any threat (I believe direct or indirect) should not be taken lightly and showing up at your work place goes over the line. If you feel scared because of this repeated contact - that is harrassement. Having a documented trail will help you should this situation worsen. Unfortunately, police will not take it seriously unless a pattern has been identified so if you think it's getting worse, even better reason to start the process now to either stop it or detail this pattern. There is an obligation on worklaces now that they must take domestic violence seriously and do everything in their power to help you should it be necessary. Maybe you could talk to your HR department if you've got one to advise of situation and see if there's something they can do to at least help you at work.

                          Needless to say, I take these situations very seriously. You are the best judge in your own situation.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by NBDad View Post
                            No offense intended, but that argument is weak. Indicate to him (in writing) that you consider his emails and text over matters unrelated to the children to be harrassing and request he stop immediately.

                            Request ALL communication be done via email except in the event of an emergency regarding the children. (ie. they are gushing blood and being rushed to the hospital)

                            You CAN have that entered into a court order. You DO NOT have to put up with his crap. Indicate to HR that if he contacts them, they are NOT to discuss your file with him, and that they are to notify you immediately and document the occurrence.
                            My God your right! It is weak. I just always feel like I need to try and keep the peace.

                            He sent me another bunch of nastiness tonight and threatened to go to my work again so I've drafted an email telling him it is harassment and must stop immediately, etc. I'll send it in the a.m. after a quick reread.

                            Thanks!!

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              You'd better talk to your employer tomorrow too. They have a legal responsibility to protect you, but you need to tell them what is going on, so they know who to look out for.

                              Please don't be ashamed, I've been there and other than actually leaving my abusive ex, telling my coworkers was the best decision I've ever made. I didn't have to be scared anymore, they would watch out for me.

                              Comment

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