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Advice needed - ex using the children again

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  • Advice needed - ex using the children again

    My ex finally asked to see the kids after a long hiatus. His license was suspended on June 18th 2010 due to non-payment of child support. His last visit with them was on June 13, 2010 and he made no contact with them until his visit December 30th (10am) to Jan 1, 2011 (noon drop off); that was his first over night visit with them since early May 2007.

    On the pick up, I saw him driving the vehicle when they left; I did not make any calls to the police as his license is not suspended for being a bad driver, I wanted the kids to finally get to see him as he cancelled every visitation (because it was all my fault of course) due to the license suspension, and I'm not a vindictive type of person.

    We have a final order that has been in place since Feb 2009 - I have sole physical & legal custody (not sure how else to phrase that - he has zero say in where we live, their medical, educational etc etc) due to reasons that occurred prior to the Settlement Conference (the history filed with the courts of his severe lack of involvement with the kids). He has every 2nd Sunday from 9am to 7pm and refused any extra access offered beyond that (but I left the door open for additional access upon reasonable notice which he has not exercised).

    In May 2007, his fiancée (common-law) was charged with assault with a weapon for smacking our (then) 8 yr old son with the hard plastic tubing from a vacuum hose; it left severe bruising and welts across his lower back, right side & buttocks. She was convicted on June 24th 2008. Her conviction was to 'serve 90 days' in the community and the restraining order that was put in place when she was originally charged extended through her probation time - this ended December 24, 2009.

    Our final custody order specifically states that the children cannot be left alone with her.

    Presently he is almost $8200 in arrears. FRO has stated that thus far the actions are a Federal Order (the 4th) was issued in August, he was reported to the credit bureau, his license has been suspended, and he had a default hearing on November 8, 2010.

    The only information that is presently listed in the case is that the hearing was adjourned until February 2, 2011. I do not know why it was adjourned, and it doesn't appear that he was ordered to pay anything towards his arrears, or on-going support.

    So... they had their visit and come home where all sorts of... fun.. happens

    The ex piled the kids around the table at his place & showed them some printed papers telling them that he doesn't owe me any child support; he told them they were court papers (the kids said it was just plain printed paper with sentences and check boxes and one noted that there was a long 'Yahoo' internet address on the printouts)

    He is also pushing the teenagers to move in with him - they are presently 15 & 16 (girl & boy respectively) as he stated to them (while smiling) that it would mean I have to pay him money instead and he could get CCTB and tax rebates.

    He presently rents a 2 bedroom house and he & his fiancée have 2 daughters together (2 & 4 yrs old) who share the 2nd bedroom.

    He is 'self-employed' working in construction for the last year + for cash under the table - I know this with 10000% certainty but cannot provide outright documented proof unless I spend $$$ I don't have to do so (likely a private investigator) - the last time he moved, it was to a place 90 mins away so there is no way for me to personally try to get the proof.

    Basically what he would be claiming in his default hearing is that he cannot pay support, or arrears because he does not work; his income would be $0. His fiancée works at a minimum wage job - so he will likely claim that she is the one supporting him, herself, and their 2 children.

    With all that info (I hope that's enough) I have some questions.
    • What are the chances of his going after custody of even 2 of the kids? While I get that they are old enough to decide for themselves, and I would have no issue if this was done for the right reasons
    • Would the court split up the 4 kids like this?
    • Would the court give custody to a parent who has had a bare minimum of involvement with their children?
    • Would the court give custody to a parent that is making all efforts to claim an income of $0, so a family of 4 is already living on about $21000/year gross can afford to take on 2 more kids and a more expensive place to live? (obviously he would have to move)
    • Do they decide that he could 'afford' to have custody by adding in any child support that would be payable or is that even factored in to the decision?
    • Is he able to ask for custody at the default hearing or does this have to be separate since the hearing is for a failure to pay support?


    I have many reservations about the entire situation because of not only past history, but the method he is using with the kids. I try very hard not to discuss these types of things with the children, but when they arrive home and the 2 youngest (11 & 12) are upset about events that happened and want to talk about it, I just don't know what else to do.

    I know this will come off nasty to many here, but I'm going to be honest and blunt
    He doesn't want his kids because he WANTS them, he wants what financial gains it will get him AND life gains - he specifically told my 15 yr old daughter that she could help with their 2 & 4 yr old girls; they get a live in babysitter.

    Where he lives has zero advantages for the kids for education or jobs. There is no public transportation, the high school has no sports programs, clubs etc as the kids who go there are all from the small towns in the area where jobs are very hard to come by and the number of people/families living on welfare is 2 to 3 times above the number of people with job that are at, or just a tiny bit above minimum wage.

    The kids are doing very well in school here, they have fantastic grades - in fact my daughter received an honours award for maintaining an 80% or above average grade her entire grade 9.

    My oldest wanted to start looking for a part-time job to save up for things he wants (but is not a need - computer stuff, games etc) and we were going to put together his first 'resume'.

    Now that's all up in the air because of one visit after more than 6 months of no contact.

    To say I am heartbroken & angry is only the tip of the iceberg.

    If you managed to read all this - thank you.

  • #2
    You have been around here long enough to know the answer.

    You have a well established status quo and he has had next to zero involvement with the kids. He doesn't have a snowball's chance in Hell of changing custody.

    His non-payment of CS is not a factor. The best interests of the children will the determining factor in changing custody. It has nothing to do with CS issues.

    You should get some counselling to give you some support in dealing with his inappropriate discussions with the kids.

    Comment


    • #3
      You're right, I have been. Honestly a lot of my fear still stems from the long abuse from the marriage that lingers even after all these years.

      It's difficult to sit back & look at the situation from a different point of view some times, and yes, I think it's high time that the kids & I get some support to deal with the issues.

      Thank you

      Comment

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