Deny access because ex doesn't like my wife..

[Fedupandtired]

Hi I need some help or advice.

Since last March (2009) my ex has been denying my access to my 2 daughters. (10 and 12). We have joint.The court order was every weekend. And I've had them every weekend. And two weeks in the summer. I've never been late on child support ever. And have always paid it.

My ex came banging on our door one night harassing us. My wife called the police the next day. (this has been the third we have had to call the police) Since this has happened she has been denying me access to my daughters. The ex says we have too many rules here (not enough if you ask me). It all boils down to her being jealous and she has wanted us to get back together forever.

I have a lawyer she keeps saying a case conference is coming up. It never happens. I haven't seen my kids since march and I miss them.

[InterprovincialParents]

Do you have an enforcement clause in your order?

If so, take your court order to the police, and ask for their assistance to enforce the access provisions.

Also, look at alternatives to typical access...send letters to them, emails, "care packages", ask for webcam access until CC...a good webcam can be bought at walmart for about $40. Buy two, if necessary, to send one to the ex so that it cannot be used as a reason not to accept access request. If you have joint, you are also entitled to speak with the principal at school, doctors, etc...

What have you done to regain access thus far, besides hiring a lawyer?

[InterprovincialParents]

We went through four years of the same thing with my husband's ex-wife...and it is a long sad battle...

The other thing we did was keep a journal. Anything you would normally talk to your kids about, write it down with the date...when you do get your access back, they will have this token, knowing that they HAVE been in your thoughts, even when you did not see them...that goes a long way to reassuring a child that they were not abandoned (which is what ex told my step-daughter).

[Fedupandtired]

Thanks for responding. I do call my daughters every single day. My wife has been keeping a journal for me but it's mostly times and the date of when I called. I have asked her for access every weekend and she says no and hangs up on me.

[Fedupandtired]

How can she get away with doing this?

[InterprovincialParents]

You'd be amazed and sickened

Every call you make is still access, so she is not denying access entirely, and that is a good thing. Stop talking to and asking the ex on the phone...start sending emails or letters...that way she has to either reply or ignore...that will better your case in court.

A non-reply is the same as a no as far as the courts are concerned.

She can get away with it because the courts are backed up...and because there is a bias...but you need to fight, and fight, and fight (through legal channels!!) to ensure your kids are not losing THEIR right to a father and stepfamily.

Stop asking and start demanding...you have a legal ORDER that allows you to take those children...you are empowering her and feeding her control every time you "ask" for her permission to be a parent.

Is your jurisdiction not hearing emergency motions? (A same-day motion when a matter is urgent)

[Fedupandtired]

I'm going to have to send letters because she doesn't have email that I know of. No my lawyer said she was going to contact her lawyer for access. Hasn't happened. I'm in Sudbury so we don't have the best option for lawyers out here.

[Fedupandtired]

Oh and no I do not have an enforcement clause as of yet. That's what my lawyer is trying to do for me too.

[HammerDad]

I have asked her for access every weekend and she says no and hangs up on me.

Take all communication to either text or email. Journal what you have before, but from now on when communicating to her about matters relating to the children, move it to a form where you can prove what you said and her reply.

Further, stop ASKING for your COURT ORDERED/AGREED parenting time!!!! You are giving her presumed ability to make the determination on whether or not your get to exercise what the COURT has ORDERED!! A simple email as follows:

"Hello [nutjob],

I am emailing you to advise you that I intend to exercise my parenting time with our daughters X and Y pursuant to clause [x] of our court order [or] agreement. I will be attending (where you would normally go to pick up the kids) at [the hour provided for in your agreement] to arrange for them to be transferred to me for my parenting time.

I expect that you will abide by our [court order/agreement] dated [date], as it is our children's best interests to have a close relationship with both parents, and further it is our obligation as parents to encourage the relationship with each other.

Yours Truely,

SuperDad"

Then, notwithstanding how she responds (if she says "no" in email, save the email it will look horrible on her in court) show up at the time and place as provided. Ask for the children to be provided to you for your parenting time. DO NOT GET EMOTIONAL, be it angry, sad, frustrated etc. Treat it like a business transaction. If she goes off on you, ignore the fluff and stick to asking for the children per your order or agreement.

If it is her house, bring a witness (or two). If you have a video camera, have your witness record everything. If you don't have a camera, pick up a digital voice recorder and keep it in your shirt pocket or clipped to your jacket lepel so you can record everything for either proof in court of denial and possibly should she call the cops.

If the children are not there (lets say your ex takes off so you can't get them) wait about 30 minutes and then call asking when she intends to be at the exchange point to provide you with your ordered/agreed access. If she says she is not coming, journal it buy a pack of gum from the nearest store and get the date stamped receipt.

If you get an answering machine, leave the above message and wait a further 30 minutes. Then call the machine again, leave the message that you were at the prescribed place from Xpm to Ypm and you are now leaving and that you consider the children not being provided for the exchange of parenting time denial of your parenting time. Then buy the gum from the local store.

From here, you rinse and repeat for each of your prescribed parenting time dates. Once you have about 3-4 instances, take her to court for contempt of court AND request make up time for each missed date (you must ask for the lost time, because a judge will not grant what you don't ask for). A judge will likely slap her on the wrist for the first time in court and tell her that she is to encourage your relationship blah, blah, blah, and then the judge will possibly give you your makeup time.

But you need to drag her to court for contempt. Yes, you may not get much satisfaction the first time, but should she pull this again, a judge will gradually become harder on her and if she is deemed completely unreasonable, you may get a custody change (but that would be an extreme).

You need to take the steps. Be proactive. Take communication to email and treat each email like you are emailing someone from work. Be business like and keep it STRICTLY TO THE CHILDREN. You don't care about her day, she doesn't need to know about yours.

[HammerDad]

If you are sending her letters, send them either to her via registered mail or cc her lawyer.

If you have a lawyer, your lawyer should be sending the letters. Get on them to do so. I have family in North Bay (which isn't that far from Sudbury) who are social workers and have dealt with family law matters who may be able to recommend a new lawyer if you are not satisfied with your current one.

[NBDad]

Hammerdad makes an awesome suggestion on how to gather proof of denial of access. You also need to be more assertive with your lawyer.

Sending letters back and forth does nothing more than cost you money.

ONE letter...ONE...with a response required by date within 48 hours. If that fails, then direct him to get a motion before the court for contempt due to denial of access. and ask for make up time. Also ask for costs due to having to go to court from her unreasonableness. (You won't get what you don't ask for, and while you MAY not get it the first time, if it continues to happen, then eventually you will draw a judge who will get annoyed and essentially bitch slap your ex)

Think of letters like $100 bills...for every one you allow your lawyer to send, you are basically handing him one. Unless you are firm and clear in your expectations, your lawyer will gladly string things along for you. You = $$$, the longer he draws it out, the more $$$ he makes.

Also, the longer you wait, the longer you are allowing your ex to set "status quo". You don't ASK your ex to be a parent, you INFORM her that you are exercising YOUR COURT ORDERED time with the kids.

[Fedupandtired]

Thank you so much for the information. I will no longer ask. Family court is so backed up here I'm not sure if it's my lawyers fault? She said there was a case conference in Oct and she would be mailing me the info..I haven't received it yet.

[Pharah]

You have joint custody so go to their school/daycare and take them for lunch. Make sure your kids know that you haven't abandoned them.

Make sure you are calling their dentist and doctor to follow-up on their progress.

If the lawyer is not doing what you want, can him and do it yourself. Visit the FLIC office and get a case conference date set!

[billiechic]

Do ALL of those things! Take your court order with you when you go to take the kids out for lunch though, and stop in and see the principal to show it to him/her first.

[InterprovincialParents]

Do ALL of those things! Take your court order with you when you go to take the kids out for lunch though, and stop in and see the principal to show it to him/her first.

Actually, if it has not already been done, make a copy of it for each child and meet with the principal to ensure it is placed in your children's school records...The school is mandated by law to prevent anyone from taking the kids or even discussing the kids without a court order that outlines custodial/access right.

As the children enter new schools, ensure the court order is there...if it is not, you would have to fight with the schools for any access to information. You can also meet with the teacher, and ensure s/he is aware of the current situation, as school professionals can help the children through any issues they may be having as a result of your ex's unreasonableness.