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  • shared parenting

    i want to eventually have a shared parenting arrangement with the other parent. i have been the baby's primary caregiver since birth.
    i have no idea what an appropriate age is to introduce the splitting of homes, how long the split should be for or how to create the least amount of impact on the chid.

    any suggestions?

  • #2
    Yesterday.

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    • #3
      well, he doesn't want the shared custody to start until she is 1. i guess he's going to have his life together by then.. ?? i dunno.

      ...and the split? how long at each house?

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      • #4
        When my ex and I were together we shared childcare, both changed, fed, bathed, put to bed, rocked when crying, stayed up all night when they were sick etc etc. We were both taking care of the kids equally all along. If one was out for an evening, it was no problem for the other to stay in with the baby. The babies (a big difference in age, 6 and 13 now) were equally comfortable with either of us but would of course freak at babysitters. When my ex went back to work after mat leave she worked shifts and I was regularly caring for the children on my own over weekends, evenings or overnights depending on her shift.

        We went with shared parenting immediately (our youngest was 3 at the time) because the children would have freaked at any other arrangement.

        For you it was different, you have to be your own judge. Is your ex capable of caring for a 1 year old, who is still really a baby? None of us are born with parental skills, not mothers, not fathers. The course for taking care of a 1 year old is a year long and it's called "Caring for a newborn". If he's missed that, then it's a big leap to go all at once.

        I'm saying this as a 50/50 parent who believes this works and is better for the kids if the parents are at all reasonable. The parents don't have to get along, they don't have to like each other, they don't have to agree all the time. They just have be able to be civil and co-operate as co-workers. But your ex needs on the job training in this, he needs regular time with the baby, not just when she's clean and changed and happy, but when she's dirty and cranky and throwing up. He needs to be prepared, he needs his home prepared, he needs to be spending the occasional overnight with her so they bond, so it's not a huge challenge for anyone, not the baby, not him, and not you to be away from her.

        He also needs to feel with no doubt that he can call you with problems and get advice and not judgement. Whatever your differences, and whatever your fears and insecurities about your baby, you have to be there to help but not make him feel like an idiot if he doesn't know something or can't handle it the first time.

        For our 3 year old we went with a 2 day schedule because at a very young age, 2 days is a long time, and a week away from either of us would be too long, for us as well as for him. We did Saturday/Sunday from early afternoon Saturday to Sunday evening, and for him it was like two full days even though it was one overnight. We were all happy with the schedule and haven't had cause to change it.

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        • #5
          Originally posted by cande26 View Post
          well, he doesn't want the shared custody to start until she is 1. i guess he's going to have his life together by then.. ?? i dunno.

          ...and the split? how long at each house?
          some men have a problem when the kids are very young. My buddy wasn't overly involved with the kids as babies but now that they are able to walk etc he is the one of the most devoted fathers I have seen.

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          • #6
            he's good with her. first-time father and all, but takes direction well. i would love to be comfortable with his ability to care for her all the time..but i feel she's still a little young for the split home. plus, he wants to take her 2 weeks at a time with me taking her for visitation a few days a week when he has her and vice versa. he won't discuss it or budge on it. not sure how i feel about that. i guess i might be more comfortable with his intentions if he wasn't also asking for his support payments to be terminated at a year old.
            any advice?

            and just to add - i have a huge problem with where he is currently living. definitely couldn't agree with it being in the child's best interests to live there. he has the option of moving into the upstairs of the house he bought..currently rents the downstairs. that's what he plans to do according to what he always told me and his court papers. buuut. he hasn't had the ambition he figured he would have and the apartment isn't ready to live in. says he's out of money. asked in his latest motion for his support to be decreased so he could replace the windows. ?? i just get the feeling it's about the money more than it is about raising her equally.

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            • #7
              Originally posted by cande26 View Post
              he's good with her. first-time father and all, but takes direction well. i would love to be comfortable with his ability to care for her all the time..but i feel she's still a little young for the split home.
              And who administered your 'first time mother' exam to make sure you had the ability to care for a child?

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              • #8
                Originally posted by cande26 View Post
                but takes direction well.
                Still the boss.

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                • #9
                  Nah, if she was his boss he'd expect to have performance evaluations and that his benefits would eventually kick in. Clearly he'll get NO benefits from this situation whatsoever and sadly, neither will the kid.

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by cande26 View Post
                    he's good with her. first-time father and all, but takes direction well. i would love to be comfortable with his ability to care for her all the time..but i feel she's still a little young for the split home. plus, he wants to take her 2 weeks at a time with me taking her for visitation a few days a week when he has her and vice versa. he won't discuss it or budge on it. not sure how i feel about that. i guess i might be more comfortable with his intentions if he wasn't also asking for his support payments to be terminated at a year old.
                    any advice?.
                    well he cannot just terminate support so try not to worry about that. He will make mistakes with her, just like you will and just like parents have done every generation. Try to be able to let the little things go and not micro-manage everything he does with the child. Give him so leeway just like he should give you. Will you and he always agree? of course not but compromise is the key.

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
                      And who administered your 'first time mother' exam to make sure you had the ability to care for a child?
                      hey blink - who tightened your helmet this morning? i had hoped you could keep your mouth shut and stay out of it, i'm trying to get some advice. but you just had to jump in with your attitude because you couldn't think of anything else to say. you want to give some respect you'll get some from me. but you just want to stir shit up. why don't you get a life and stop twisting what i say into something you can try to stand for.

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
                        Nah, if she was his boss he'd expect to have performance evaluations and that his benefits would eventually kick in. Clearly he'll get NO benefits from this situation whatsoever and sadly, neither will the kid.
                        honey - i would dare you to say something like that to my face. you're an insulting and ignorant cad. what you have to say has nothing with what i was saying. are you jealous the boys are talking to me and not you? need attention much? leave my kids out of it.

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by dadtotheend View Post
                          Still the boss.
                          sorry dad. i should have said guidance. he asks for it.
                          nnnk?

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by cande26 View Post
                            hey blink - who tightened your helmet this morning? i had hoped you could keep your mouth shut and stay out of it, i'm trying to get some advice. but you just had to jump in with your attitude because you couldn't think of anything else to say. you want to give some respect you'll get some from me. but you just want to stir shit up. why don't you get a life and stop twisting what i say into something you can try to stand for.
                            Originally posted by cande26 View Post
                            honey - i would dare you to say something like that to my face. you're an insulting and ignorant cad. what you have to say has nothing with what i was saying. are you jealous the boys are talking to me and not you? need attention much? leave my kids out of it.

                            Such class as usual. I have no respect for anyone who treats their child as personal property and a pawn and I could care less if you respect me or not. I can certainly think of lots to say however your biggest issue and what will become your biggest downfall isn't shared parenting or child support or anything to do with the best interest of the child, it's the arrogance you display in owning your child and handing out orders to her father.

                            Your child's saving grace will only be that as she grows up in this situation, she will eventually come to see who and what you really are and when she's old enough to be able to make her own decisions she will return the favour and not choose you.

                            You can save your 'honey' nonsense for the next person you're trying to snow. You are so self focussed that you really don't take the time to read what others are telling you both flat out and implied, especially if it is not in agreement with you. YOU are the only person who can't see your behaviour for what it is and eventually that will come back to bite you in the ass.

                            PS....I'm pretty sure that SOTS may be getting tired of repeating that she is not a man.
                            Last edited by blinkandimgone; 08-08-2010, 11:31 AM. Reason: the voices told me to....

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by standing on the sidelines View Post
                              well he cannot just terminate support so try not to worry about that. He will make mistakes with her, just like you will and just like parents have done every generation. Try to be able to let the little things go and not micro-manage everything he does with the child. Give him so leeway just like he should give you. Will you and he always agree? of course not but compromise is the key.
                              uhmm. yes, i appreciate nobody is perfect - especially when it comes to parenting. i don't micro-manage, in fact i have a firm understanding that he needs to find his own way with her and she with him..that's what bonding is about. i'm clear on all of that..i guess i must not sound like i am. or perhaps people are just assuming that i'm an over-bearing mother who thinks she's better than the father? i don't think i've portrayed that in any of the posts under shared parenting, so i'm not sure what some people's problems are.
                              what i need help with is the part about the time-split he's asking for. does it sound reasonable?
                              and please, if you can't find something relevant to say - just don't say it. it's unnecessary, not to mention annoying as hell.

                              Comment

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