Yet another post on PAS

[informedmom]

I have posted several times about my boyfriend's difficult ex and after reading some recent posts about parent alienation, I wanted to throw our situation into the mix for some advice.

My bf's son plays rep baseball. He is eleven years old. CP (mom) had him try out for the rep team two years ago without the consent of my bf. He made the team, my bf decided to support it financially and goes to all games and many practices. CP also attends.

Last year, the baseball schedule affected visitation time and cut into summer vacation time that my bf had planned well in advance with CP. He didn't want his son to play rep this season but decided to continue to financially support it and be there for his son since his son claims to enjoy it so much.

CP took it up a notch by then signing him up for three clinics, again without consent. These clinics also affected visitation time.

Now we learn that CP has told son that he has been personally invited to tryout for an elite team that runs all school year, is very expensive and is a major time committment. Tryouts fall in the middle of the vacation week my bf has had planned for six months. The vacation was already affected because of a tournament that falls the first weekend of their holiday (which my bf was willing to take him to). To top it all off, we find out that no one is personally invited but it is an open tryout for all kids his age. Mom also decided with the son (with no input from my boyfriend) to allow the boy to play on yet another team that has a tournament planned for the second weekend of my bf's vacation.

CP discusses and decides everything with her son, gets him all excited and then has the boy mention it to his dad. If my bf doesn't agree with the additional activities, he is put down, yelled at (in front of child) and given the silent treatment by his son for several days. Mom tells son that dad is selfish and doesn't support his dreams.

I am convinced that mom sees baseball as a means to keep my bf on a short leash. Also, as a result of the tournaments and tryouts, my bf's son has now decided that he is not going on vacation with his dad because he will miss tryouts if he does. My bf suggested several options to accommodate his son but now he says he just isn't going.

We are considering going to a lawyer but don't know if we will get anywhere. We have heard that by twelve years old, the son can make decisions about how much time he spends with his dad. Is this right?

Any insight is welcome.

[Mess]

There is no rule about 12 years old, but generally the courts won't force a child into a schedule they don't want once they are teenagers. A teen will travel by themselves and frankly just take off if they don't want to be there. There are exceptions but because in general it's a losing battle to force them by that age, the courts won't impose a schedule unless the teen is onside with it.

That being said, the courts deal with toxic, contentious situations. 98% of separating families don't go to trial. Most of us at some point get advice from lawyers based on trial results to give us a framework to settle, but there is no obligation on either side.

Your bf has every right to regular access according to whatever schedule was agreed on. If he stays passive and lets her schedule all these sports, then he will effectively lose his access time. I'm not looking at the schedule, but really you should be demanding make up days for any lost time. The child really shouldn't be playing sports 7 days a week either, that is not a healthy balance.

If it were me, I would talk to my son, go over the schedule month by month, discuss how much time he wants to commit and work out make up time if he missed any time with me. I would work out my own budget and inform the ex that I wouldn't be paying any expenses beyond a certain amount and if she had a dispute we would have to take it to an arbitrator.

From your description, it sounds to me like the ex is being ridiculous about it, but I also know from my own children that this kind of thing snowballs, they enjoy it and they are doing well and they make it their own priority. You have to make your own call, but you have to set boundaries with the ex and then enforce them. Otherwise she will push a tiny bit more each time until you can't remember when exactly it was that you lost access altogether.