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Give up and cut my losses

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  • Give up and cut my losses

    What would you do if you had no money and an ex that won't negotiate, won't give in to anything that you're asking. Would you throw in the towel and cut the losses, move on, rebuild, stop crying, be happy and take what ever he'll give you? I'm at that point. I'm bust, emotionally wore down, he's won because I can't keep financing this and can't keep up mentally with it either. Its dragging me down, wearing me down. Male privledge, male dominance will always win when the woman has the disadvantage. Am I crazy to do this. If I walk away with half of what I brought in, should I be thankful its all over? This is a desparate woman talking because I can't get him to budge. Its all gotta be his way or nothing. He's won cause he's beat and worn me down. My lawyer just got 5,000 from me and is already asking for more to get through questioning. I'm in to it for about 15,000 now. He's not going to back down. How should I tell my lawyer to just settle it with the 5,000 that I just gave her? Is it possible?

  • #2
    I have very strong views on SS, CS, and EP.

    BUT, that doesn't mean that needed support, real costs of kids, and equally earned assets (I don't mean housewife/househusband) shouldn't be paid.

    I can't understand how nothing gets paid. Are you receiving nothing at all?

    Doesn't interim support have to be paid (ex used that money against me)?

    Isn't CS automatic?

    Aren't you automatically entitled to 1/2 of assets? (Whether they should be split is another discussion)

    If you are being shut out completely, then can't you stop negotiating and simply set a court day?

    I'm serious, doesn't some money have to change hands at level????

    In my experience, female entitlement seemed to rule the day, but all cases seem different.


    • #3
      Originally posted by Rhonda&Kids View Post
      Male privledge, male dominance will always win when the woman has the disadvantage.
      Many would argue the exact opposite when it comes to family law.

      I'll post later to tell you why you shouldn't give up. But it won't be anything you haven't read before from me.


      • #4
        hmmmm, I am waiting to see my lawyer for the first time, now you got me rethinking it is at all worth while. Will we ever know? do we want victory? is there such a thing? I am swaying on the side of cut and run, my wife will not budge an inch and she knows I will go in debt trying to cover my bills and paying child support. no money left for a lawyer anyway.



        • #5
          Well, child support was a given, but because he's self employed its basically what ever he says his income is (he's paying on 1/3 of his income - very difficult to prove otherwise costly also) As I said, questionning income to impute will cost me over $5000. Is it worth it? Not if he can challenge it whenever he wants by going back to court and having it reassessed.
          He's an expert lier ad manipulator. He has no interest in salvaging a decent relationship between up. He just wants to trump!
          Spousal is not a given when you fall into delays in getting it. Get this, opposing counsel told the last judge that the other judges decided I didn't need it, thats why I'm not getting it. So, my date was adjourned for a long motions date (still no spousal support after a year and a half). Delays have caused a status quo I can't change so he wins again, he get joint custody and the 50/50 he wanted (regarless of best interest ofchildren). My names not on ANYTHING. See the difficulty I have with control now...well guess what. Thats what took place during the marriage. Just couldn't get my name on things after we were married. This battle makes me misserable. Some say never give up. I get $800 / mo child support when he feels like it. Fro doesn't make any jerk reactions when support is late. All I can say is that the more independant women/men are....the safer you are in protecting your rights. This sucks badly! I told him a few hours ago to make me an offer in one week or else I'm going to shake up his socal world and make him look like a big jerk (totally immature and impulsive of me but that wht I mean. This is driving me crazy and I want it to end.)


          • #6
            Originally posted by Rhonda&Kids View Post
            I told him a few hours ago to make me an offer in one week or else I'm going to shake up his socal world and make him look like a big jerk (totally immature and impulsive of me but that wht I mean. This is driving me crazy and I want it to end.)
            Yep, not a smooth move.

            You have to have soooo much patience. You don't need all the money, but you do need to be educated, committed, honest, reasonable, determined, passionate, strategic, resolved, etc. etc. etc.

            If you can't/won't stomach the BS, you are not in a good spot.


            • #7
              Did you try to get LEGAL AID


              • #8
                I was told recently by two separate (ethical - there I said it) lawyers that they would not take my money and represent me just because the volume of BS provided by my ex-recently would cost me over $7000 JUST FOR THEM TO READ AND DIGEST THE MATERIALS - NOTHING ELSE. They both said it was a tactic currently used to prolong litgation in situations where it is in the apparent "best interests," of the recipient/payor to do so. I suggested that a way to fix this was to have everyone represent themselves in court and only use a lawyer to check things over for law and legaleese...I know the feeling of being slowly dehydrated by strong emotions and frustration with the FC system in Ontario as a whole.. However, I urge you to point out the stalling tactics being used and ask the judge you get to put an order for support CS and SS and arrears with interest together and have the Family Responsibility Office enforce it....


                • #9
                  I think you are in a bad situation. Depends on what you are fighting or not being able to settle on are the major issues. Money is just money.
                  It's the reason what made you start this process to fight for, is it worth continuing to fight?

                  A solution, maybe just take a break for alittle while, don't give in but give yourself sometime. Maybe that's all you need, to regroup and gather your thoughts and your strength again. You will probably feel differently in a month or a few and wonder why you just gave up.
                  I guess it just depends like I said what you are still fighting for, you have to take all the factors into consideration.
                  Last edited by tugofwar; 05-19-2010, 09:44 PM.


                  • #10
                    I think it all depends on you if you want more money then fight for it. Also is it worth spending all the money on a lawyer, are you going to get more then you are going to pay out to your lawyer? My ex recently took me to court and wanted so much in back support that she was not entitled to as it turned out the numbers were fudged by her lawyer and she went along with it. I offered her 450 a week and she turned my offer down to go to trial, well trial never happened as the judge decided she had no leg to stand on, so I ended up paying her 350 instead. Now she is out lawyers fees and will be getting less support from me if she had only agreed to my first offer which would have been above what she was supposed to get. So don't fall into the trap make sure your numbers are correct and the lawyer is not trying to bleed you dry.


                    • #11
                      I have similar views to piggybanktoex regarding onerous support and the notion of entitlement however, like him I too believe that there should be support for children, SS I am not so crazy about unless it's a long marriage, think old school, mom stayed at home for 35 years, married young, never worked and hubby decides to up and split with a 35 year old at age 65 yadda yadda.....
                      Those types of scenarios IMO were what SS was designed for not to pave easy street for greedy X's.

                      If he's paying $800 in CS and you say he's paying on 1/3 income his income is obviously substantial. As a business owner I'm sure it adds complexity but the bottom line is he must disclose income and you have the right to demand financial statements from a certified accountant. Accountants won't lie (at least not accredited ones) in court for your X so the books would be much better for you than say his notice of assessment.

                      I would also urge you to not give up but absolutely do not go around attacking him socially as you stated, this will do nothing but make you look bad if you ever do get to see a judge. You MUST take the high moral ground no matter how difficult.

                      I would also suggest you avoid lawyers except maybe to legalize any agreement the 2 of you work out. You can with some work, find out how to represent yourself, ask the judge to order disclosure by way of certified financial statements etc, as well as what one post already stated, order CS/SS back support and interest from date of separation. I say ask for SS order as you can use that as a bargaining chip (agree to drop it for compliance on other parts).
                      Maybe a little pressure from a judge would really change his willingness to cooperate.

                      Not sure how much $ you need but if her were to pay $1000/mo regularly I can't imagine any situation where what would not pay for the upkeep of a couple children?
                      If it's that you were a stay at home mom then you need to get out and get yourself employed as you have a responsibility to provide for your kids just like him. If you need time to re-train, then I don't think a couple years of added SS is unreasonable.

                      The tactic seems to be complicate the living crap out of it as he's betting you'll give up. Apply a little pressure, negotiate a fair deal and be done with it.
                      Btw, a fair deal is usually one that BOTH of you believe is unfair


                      • #12
                        Hi Rhonda,
                        Here is my story as short as possible..............
                        Split in 2000, had 3 boys on my own. Ex didnt work full time, but did get full time work eventually and did pay CS according to guidelines..........still no lawyers. I lost a very well paying job and was working 2 jobs to make ends meet. Couldnt afford to keep food in the fridge or heat in the house. Desperate times called for desparate measures. Ex and I came to an agreement that since he was well established and had just bought a new home with plenty of room he would take the kids. Hard decision to make but for them I decided it was in thier best interest to be warm, fed and have a roof over thier heads. Kids first!! Unfortunatly, my Ex had other was now payback for leaving him. He made false allegations toward me, which I had to prove otherwise in court, court costs were outstanding and I was making less than 20k. He just wanted me to pay for hurting him. Meanwhile the kids are adjusting to new schools and friends and doing very well at both. I was happy to see them happy. It came to a point where I had to decide not what was best for me but what was best for them. My lawyer tried to convince me to go for sole custody and he would get me CS and SS. I told him that the kids have been through enough and I didnt want to mess them up anymore than they already had been. I decided to let everything go, it was just a lot of possesions, not as important as the kids. Most of my friends told me that I was wrong I should have fought him and taken everything I could get..........for me it was all about the kids! My kids were healthy, happy and well cared for, why would I want to disrupt their lives anymore. Yes I had to pay CS, and still do for one of them, and they didnt live with me full time, but I never lost contact with them and visited with them often. Two of them are grown now and are very well adjusted adults.

                        In the end you have to be comfortable with your decisions. We cant tell you what to do we can only give you our own experiences and from mine, Im ok with it.......... I have a great relationship with my children and what is more important than that.............


                        • #13
                          i think someone menioned already....don't give up..maybe just take a break. it's exhausting and exasperating...I know...I'm there. I have currently sunk $10k into having to take my ex to court at least 3 times to sell the house and to get his financials in order (he hadn't filed taxes - corporate or personal for 5 years...and to be honest, he is still behind.) We have been apart 4 years and still have no separation agreement in place, he refuses to co-operate. The house sold in December and all we have to do is split the proceeds. I have tabled 2 offers and he has come back with a ridiculous response - he wants all the proceeds and I should get nothing.
                          My lawyer wanted another $5k for us to proceed to questioning. I can't afford to proceed basically, well partially can't, mostly won't. We have tried 3 times to get a response from my ex and his lawyer on this and we have recieved nothing and my costs just keep going up. I have a dread it would utimately end up in a costly court case so I told my lawyer to forget it. i am sinking $$$ into this and at this rate my settlement would just end up paying lawyers and i will not do that. At some point my ex will need the money and need to settle...I am lucky that I can wait until then, i don't have kids and i can support myself - i'd rather not do things on his schedule but I am even more loathe to keep paying lawyers to get nowhere. He can chase me instead. I realise not everyone can do this for a number of reasons but if you can...I would play him at his own game...and wait it out....


                          • #14
                            When it comes down to it, it depends if you think it's worth fighting for. My BIGGEST issue is custody of my child, there's no price on what I feel is in her best interest.
                            As for the rest of the money issues- I probably won't keep this going much if that was our last issue. I know Im getting screwed already with cs and everything else but at the end of the day, I had to do and continue to do what I have to to make sure our child is well taken care of


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