best interests???

[mumma mudfoot]

I have recently come out of a closed mediation to draft a separation agreement with my ex husband which includes custody and access for our two young boys. My ex was being overtly difficult throughout mediation until the end when he apologized and claimed he was deliberately being difficult out of fear and would now be reasonable and communicative, assuring me that things should run smoothly. I of course gave the benefit of the doubt ending mediation with a shared custody and access agreement. Unfortunately only a month or two out and I have had little to no communication from my ex regarding the boys (ages 5 and 3). At the moment he has them three nights/wk and I have them four. He began a new relationship in Jan. which I learned about through the grapevine. I do not feel I need to know about his personal life but if there is another adult around the children regularly should I not be informed? I then found out from my 3 yr old about a month ago that "Dada was moving to the country with [his girlfriend]". When I asked him about this situation he gave me a brief affirmative. I asked what the place was like, if the boys had a room, etc. and found out he plans to live at a camp with them with no indoor plumbing or drinking water in what was referred to as a "rustic" dwelling. I am wary of his ability to maintain their health and hygeine under such conditions. But what can I do? I asked about his house in town (our old family home owned by his mother). His response was "I will still be retaining a room in town". A week later clarification came from my 5yr old, he has rented out the boys old room to his ex lover and the old family bedroom to a friend with whom I would never leave the boys unattended. He and the boys will have one bedroom to share on the main floor. I do not feel this is a healthy environment for them. What can I do? I have a lrg three bedroom home on 10 acres with my partner whom they have known for over a year and lived with for four months. We are able to provide a healthier family space for them but how do I make this happen? I would like them to maintain regular visits but do not feel there is enough communication for shared custody and I am concerned he is not making choices in their best interest. He has lots of friends, family (as we are stuck in his home town) and monetary resource, where I have little. I am worried a court battle would involve him bending the truth or making things seem different than they actually are until he gets what he wants. Who maintains accountability for responsible parenting? Do i have to wait until it is severe enough for CAS?
Feeling lost and frustrated.....

[NotSoNiceEx]

I understand as a parent wanting to know who my children will be around when they visit their dad, however he is entitled to live his life and not report to me. If the shoes were reversed and he wanted to know all about your new partner that now resides with you and the children, would you be transparent? I doubt that his decision to live in a rustic dwelling in the country and not inform you should be a case for the CAS. You do have a right to know where the children will be staying, the address and their sleeping arrangements. If you feel that the safety of your children is being comprimised then perhaps you can call him and share your feelings. If you get little results from that then maybe the next step would be a motion through the courts but this should be your last resort and only if you feel the children's safety is comprimised.

[billiechic]

It is unclear whether the children will be living in the "rustic" home. I'm sure CAS would have concerns over children living in a home without plumbing. Can you clarify?

[mumma mudfoot]

I have been very open about my relationship as well as our home. I have had the boys show their father around their new house the week we moved in. I do not want to know about his personal life only the lives of my children.
From what I understand he has "moved to this country home" but also stays in the room in town sometimes. Is where you are living defined by your mailing address or where you stay the majority of the time?
I have voiced my concerns to him verbally and via email without response.

[billiechic]

My ex lives at his sister's home when he has my daughter. I'm pretty sure that he is staying elsewhere (his mom's or a friends) when he doesn't have our daughter. I really don't give a crap where he lives or sleeps when he doesn't have her, what matters is that when she is with him she has a safe, loving home (and I know she does at his sister's).

So again...where does he live when the kids are with him?

[mumma mudfoot]

I too am confused on this one. He claims his permanent address is in town where he has one room to share with the boys with the other two rented to friends. But he stays at the out of town camp almost every night (with the kids). I do not know where this place is or what it's condition is other than the no indoor plumbing or drinking water. Is he getting around it by claiming to still be residing in the town house? Or do I have any rights regarding where they are sleeping when with him? I am concerned about both spaces, I do not feel they are healthy environments for the boys, but what can I do? Maybe I am just being overly protective. Just want what's best for them....

[billiechic]

THe court ordered both of us to keep each other aware of where we were living. For months I wasn't sure where my daughter was staying (his mom's or sister's).

You have every right to be concerned. His permanent mailing address is not what you need to know, you want to know where the kids are living.

Have you spoken with a lawyer yet? I think this might be an issue you want investigated, but I would get some legal advice before calling CAS. You don't want to open up a can of worms, but this IS about a healthy environment for your children.

[mumma mudfoot]

Thanks. It makes a world of difference just to have someone understand. I have just spoken with a lawyer. Pretty much said keep recording, start a file w/ CAS they won't investigate until there is some evidence of negative affects, but if ever necessary it is good to have a documented history. What a frustration, the legal system's view on child welfare is to treat symptomatically not preventatively. He said if they(the boys) become unhealthy or need therapy then that would be something to go on. What parent wants to wait until then?? I will keep track and try my best to keep communicating w/ my ex with or without response. Keep faith in Karma....