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Hi all, I am new to the forum. I have been lurking for a while, reading up on everything.
I am a divorced dad of 3 beautiful girls, aged 5, 4 and 3. My ex wife and I separated in fall 2008. Things had not been going well since the beginning of 2008, even before. Being told 'if you don't like it why don't you just leave' every day by your wife tends to have a negative effect on my mood. I came home from work on a Thursday late that summer to a "Dear John" letter, with her saying my kids and her had gone on a trip for the weekend and they would be back on the Monday to discuss how we would split everything. She came home, and I suggested counseling or a priest, she declined, got a lawyer, flip flopped on the divorce, and then wanted counseling, decided 2nd session that it wasn't going to work, then the divorce was on again.
At this point I sunk into a depression, and made a STUPID mistake of signing a separation agreement at the beginning of Oct 2009 stating she had full custody and me no access. STUPID STUPID STUPID. I felt like a failure at the time, and just wanted to run away. Looking back I don’t even recognize myself, but the damage was done.
I got help for the depression and kept with the counseling, Just after New Year’s 2009, after not seeing them for about 3 months, I started seeing them for a couple hours every other Sunday. At the end of February, I started getting called 'daddy NEWGUYSNAME' (and still do to this day) during my visits with the kids because as they told me "he sleeps in mommy’s bed so he is daddy". I told her it was not good for the kids, but she told me it was none of my business.
I kept with that schedule, though through my lawyer during this period I had been trying to get time with them individually, but these requests were always denied because "it’s not fair to split them up" - even for a few hours”. Anyways, Around July 2009, I had pretty much recovered from my depression, had realized what an idiot I was, and kept pressing for more time - basically I wanted shared access/split custody. Still do. Of course it was denied, and it was a HUGE battle between lawyers just getting every other weekend, though I got that shortly before I was served with papers. We talked back and forth after that, and she started to come around. At one time, she drew up a schedule where I would have them 2 days a week and sent them to my lawyer (she was representing herself at this time), but 2 days after I agreed to that schedule, without ever having a chance to exercise it, she received my response to being served. She freaked, withdrew the agreement for the 2 days a week, and has been bitter since. My time was then back to every other weekend. Well, never left.
Jan 2010, we had our case conference. The separation agreement was thrown out (history, but not enforceable), her primary residence, me "reasonable and liberal access including at a minimum every other weekend", which sounds cool, but in reality means every other weekend - the same as I had already. I get to call every day too, though they are trying to reduce frequency of the calls and have them at a set time of 7pm. The problem is, it is right after dinner during their play time when they are wired! Call lasts under 5 minutes on the best of days, and that is including all 3 kids. It's crazy. She won't have them call me just before bed when they are calm, or any other time that a conversation would be possible. Whenever I call, it sounds like a 3 ring circus. It’s great they are having fun, but I feel that forcing them onto the phone when they are like that makes them resent me. I don't want to interrupt their fun; I want to talk to them when they are settled down. Again, I document every call, send her emails about the challenges of it, send my lawyer a copy, keep a journal, etc...
Starting around March 2009, I had started asking for information on the girl’s school, medical, etc, but she flat out denied my requests for this information. I even have that in an email. As i got better and started to have them every other weekend i kept requesting health, medical, and school information, however she would never inform me of these things until way later making it impossible to attend appointments, or participate in the kids events. Not sure who the onus is on here, but it is hard to know what to ask about if you are not told anything.
I have been very actively involved with the school since fall 2009 (fall 2008 was last time I attended appointments there), but was unable to request information from doctors until after the original separation agreement was overturned. Since then it has been a battle for that too. Even after the case conference, she doesn’t tell me about appointments. Even after the case conference she book an appointment, told a doctor she couldn’t attend herself because she used up all her holidays on the trip with the kids, and sent her sister with my child to the appointment. And I don’t even get told that the appointment existed.
I have received a pediatrician report 3 months after it was sent to my family doctor with her stating 'I just got it' coincidentally right after I booked my own consultation with that pediatrician. Once I found out there WAS a report, I checked with my family physician (who is the children's as well) and was able to verify they had received it 3 months prior. A report I had never heard about or been told existed. Again, I document everything.
As I said, there is no final custody order so joint is assumed. She has primary residence, I have "reasonable and liberal access including at a minimum every other weekend". Order says nobody else to be called 'daddy anything' either. Unfortunately, this is being ignored, and they are saying things to my kids like 'think of insertname as daddy, but call him insertname. My daughter, 5, shared that with me a few days ago. I call my kids every day since I was officially granted 'access' and get to talk to them for about 1.5 minutes each. Not my choice. Seems it is always chaos when i call, and kids are too distracted to want to talk on the phone to me. I have asked if they can call at bedtime so i can say goodnight as their daddy, because this time has proven to be conducive to meaningful conversation and contact, but she has repeatedly refused. On the days where they DO want to talk because they are calm...she hurries them along... "Say goodnight now", "give the phone to the next one”, that sort of thing.
I document everything, and there is a lot more that I could go on and on and on and on with if the information is needed for my questions....
First...I told her about having to register the kids and how I wanted to be involved. 3 weeks later I get an email saying she is moving, has picked out the school and is has registered them. Doesn't tell me where other than the city, and until I was able to access the school registration records she did behind my back today, i had no information. I asked. And I asked. This is all via email, and documenting everything. She said at first she would tell me when it is done. Finally after about 4 emails over a week, the day she is leaving on holidays with the kids for 2 weeks, she gives name of school and tells me to get it myself. So I tried, but until the school contacted her and she said it was allowed, they couldn’t give me the records as I was not part of the registration process.
Once I was finally able to access the school records, I discovered she had altered her "primary residence" (all she has) to "primary residence/primary caregiver" and altered my access to "every other weekend" from what it really says "reasonable and liberal access including at a minimum every other weekend". I also found she had manipulated the registration to put me as the 3rd emergency contact person behind herself and her boyfriend, who she listed as their 'step-dad'. Wherever she could, she also put the new boyfriend ahead of me to contact first.
They will be living in a nice home, brand new, just being built now – something she always wanted. Well, wanted once she didn’t like the farm after a year. I guess he has money, so it must be a plus for her. I on the other hand will have an ok 2 bedroom apartment. I also won’t be in their school district, but will be only about a 5 minute drive from their school. I am about to start a new job at 55k/yr job that will let me work from home 1 day a week, full benefits, etc. It is a good job. In order to meet my child support obligations though, I will have to declare bankruptcy as soon as I start work however. No way I can pay support and pay off the accumulated debt from the marriage including having to sell the farm at a loss.
...was too long..continued in reply to myself. sorry.
I am a divorced dad of 3 beautiful girls, aged 5, 4 and 3. My ex wife and I separated in fall 2008. Things had not been going well since the beginning of 2008, even before. Being told 'if you don't like it why don't you just leave' every day by your wife tends to have a negative effect on my mood. I came home from work on a Thursday late that summer to a "Dear John" letter, with her saying my kids and her had gone on a trip for the weekend and they would be back on the Monday to discuss how we would split everything. She came home, and I suggested counseling or a priest, she declined, got a lawyer, flip flopped on the divorce, and then wanted counseling, decided 2nd session that it wasn't going to work, then the divorce was on again.
At this point I sunk into a depression, and made a STUPID mistake of signing a separation agreement at the beginning of Oct 2009 stating she had full custody and me no access. STUPID STUPID STUPID. I felt like a failure at the time, and just wanted to run away. Looking back I don’t even recognize myself, but the damage was done.
I got help for the depression and kept with the counseling, Just after New Year’s 2009, after not seeing them for about 3 months, I started seeing them for a couple hours every other Sunday. At the end of February, I started getting called 'daddy NEWGUYSNAME' (and still do to this day) during my visits with the kids because as they told me "he sleeps in mommy’s bed so he is daddy". I told her it was not good for the kids, but she told me it was none of my business.
I kept with that schedule, though through my lawyer during this period I had been trying to get time with them individually, but these requests were always denied because "it’s not fair to split them up" - even for a few hours”. Anyways, Around July 2009, I had pretty much recovered from my depression, had realized what an idiot I was, and kept pressing for more time - basically I wanted shared access/split custody. Still do. Of course it was denied, and it was a HUGE battle between lawyers just getting every other weekend, though I got that shortly before I was served with papers. We talked back and forth after that, and she started to come around. At one time, she drew up a schedule where I would have them 2 days a week and sent them to my lawyer (she was representing herself at this time), but 2 days after I agreed to that schedule, without ever having a chance to exercise it, she received my response to being served. She freaked, withdrew the agreement for the 2 days a week, and has been bitter since. My time was then back to every other weekend. Well, never left.
Jan 2010, we had our case conference. The separation agreement was thrown out (history, but not enforceable), her primary residence, me "reasonable and liberal access including at a minimum every other weekend", which sounds cool, but in reality means every other weekend - the same as I had already. I get to call every day too, though they are trying to reduce frequency of the calls and have them at a set time of 7pm. The problem is, it is right after dinner during their play time when they are wired! Call lasts under 5 minutes on the best of days, and that is including all 3 kids. It's crazy. She won't have them call me just before bed when they are calm, or any other time that a conversation would be possible. Whenever I call, it sounds like a 3 ring circus. It’s great they are having fun, but I feel that forcing them onto the phone when they are like that makes them resent me. I don't want to interrupt their fun; I want to talk to them when they are settled down. Again, I document every call, send her emails about the challenges of it, send my lawyer a copy, keep a journal, etc...
Starting around March 2009, I had started asking for information on the girl’s school, medical, etc, but she flat out denied my requests for this information. I even have that in an email. As i got better and started to have them every other weekend i kept requesting health, medical, and school information, however she would never inform me of these things until way later making it impossible to attend appointments, or participate in the kids events. Not sure who the onus is on here, but it is hard to know what to ask about if you are not told anything.
I have been very actively involved with the school since fall 2009 (fall 2008 was last time I attended appointments there), but was unable to request information from doctors until after the original separation agreement was overturned. Since then it has been a battle for that too. Even after the case conference, she doesn’t tell me about appointments. Even after the case conference she book an appointment, told a doctor she couldn’t attend herself because she used up all her holidays on the trip with the kids, and sent her sister with my child to the appointment. And I don’t even get told that the appointment existed.
I have received a pediatrician report 3 months after it was sent to my family doctor with her stating 'I just got it' coincidentally right after I booked my own consultation with that pediatrician. Once I found out there WAS a report, I checked with my family physician (who is the children's as well) and was able to verify they had received it 3 months prior. A report I had never heard about or been told existed. Again, I document everything.
As I said, there is no final custody order so joint is assumed. She has primary residence, I have "reasonable and liberal access including at a minimum every other weekend". Order says nobody else to be called 'daddy anything' either. Unfortunately, this is being ignored, and they are saying things to my kids like 'think of insertname as daddy, but call him insertname. My daughter, 5, shared that with me a few days ago. I call my kids every day since I was officially granted 'access' and get to talk to them for about 1.5 minutes each. Not my choice. Seems it is always chaos when i call, and kids are too distracted to want to talk on the phone to me. I have asked if they can call at bedtime so i can say goodnight as their daddy, because this time has proven to be conducive to meaningful conversation and contact, but she has repeatedly refused. On the days where they DO want to talk because they are calm...she hurries them along... "Say goodnight now", "give the phone to the next one”, that sort of thing.
I document everything, and there is a lot more that I could go on and on and on and on with if the information is needed for my questions....
First...I told her about having to register the kids and how I wanted to be involved. 3 weeks later I get an email saying she is moving, has picked out the school and is has registered them. Doesn't tell me where other than the city, and until I was able to access the school registration records she did behind my back today, i had no information. I asked. And I asked. This is all via email, and documenting everything. She said at first she would tell me when it is done. Finally after about 4 emails over a week, the day she is leaving on holidays with the kids for 2 weeks, she gives name of school and tells me to get it myself. So I tried, but until the school contacted her and she said it was allowed, they couldn’t give me the records as I was not part of the registration process.
Once I was finally able to access the school records, I discovered she had altered her "primary residence" (all she has) to "primary residence/primary caregiver" and altered my access to "every other weekend" from what it really says "reasonable and liberal access including at a minimum every other weekend". I also found she had manipulated the registration to put me as the 3rd emergency contact person behind herself and her boyfriend, who she listed as their 'step-dad'. Wherever she could, she also put the new boyfriend ahead of me to contact first.
They will be living in a nice home, brand new, just being built now – something she always wanted. Well, wanted once she didn’t like the farm after a year. I guess he has money, so it must be a plus for her. I on the other hand will have an ok 2 bedroom apartment. I also won’t be in their school district, but will be only about a 5 minute drive from their school. I am about to start a new job at 55k/yr job that will let me work from home 1 day a week, full benefits, etc. It is a good job. In order to meet my child support obligations though, I will have to declare bankruptcy as soon as I start work however. No way I can pay support and pay off the accumulated debt from the marriage including having to sell the farm at a loss.
...was too long..continued in reply to myself. sorry.
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