What are my rights?

[allbrokenup]

A week before Christmas my husband told me he was seeing someone else and he wanted a divorce. Obviously, devastation followed for me and our 2 young children.

The background is that we've been married 11 years and our children are 5 and 7. My husband is bipolar, medicated, but missed so many psychiatrist appointments that the doctor removed him as a patient.

Originally we agreed to take turns spending 3 nights at a time at the marital home so that the kids could stay there, and at least things would be more normal for them. However, on his 3 nights with them he left them with CAS-flagged babysitters, had all sorts of people in and out of the house at weird hours, didn't maintain any of the childrens routines, etc. Finally I said I didn't feel the kids were being well taken care of and I was coming home and staying home. He was welcome to stay but he decided he didn't want to and has been living with his girlfriend since 9 days after he told me he wanted a divorce.

Since then, he has been acting rather irrational, and at times, even delusional (ex. he told everyone I beat him up and when I confronted him on it, he actually seemed to believe that it happened, but it absolutely did not). Twice now he's told me that I want to throw a hammer at him????? Huh? I'm angry, but I'm not crazy. Tonight he upped the ante and told me that if I had had an axe in my hand I would have thrown it at him. We were fighting because he had said he wanted to take the kids out to a movie tonight and I agreed...they were very excited to spend some time with him. Well, he invited his girlfriend along and I was not happy, and neither were they.

I have been told that there are no laws to stop him from bringing our two children, even so soon after he left, around his girlfriend or her kids, but I begged him to please not do it. I admit it is painful for me, but I also believe it is confusing for the kids and found links to back that up. The first time, the day after he left my daughter spilled the beans. Then a week later he did it, but told them to lie to me about it...daughter spilled the beans again. (He really should learn 5 year old chatterboxes are bound to do that). Then there was tonight.

What I'm looking for is 2 questions from someone in Ontario who might have been in a similar situation:

1) Since I don't think he's taking his meds regularly or they're not working because he's acting so weird, can I keep him from seeing the kids? He agrees he hasn't been stable and has a appointment with our family doctor in 3 weeks...but what about in the meantime?

2) Please, someone tell me I'm not crazy for thinking he should not be bringing the kids around his girlfriend so soon. They're still trying to come to terms with the fact that he doesn't love me anymore and especially the 5 year old, is confused about what is going on. To me it seems obvious, morally and in common sense, but maybe I'm just not being objective because of my own feelings. To me it makes no sense that there isn't SOME law saying that it is not in the childs best interest or something.

Sorry, I know this is long but I wanted to be clear and hopefully get an answer from someone who has been there-done that. I told him to hurry up and get a lawyer so we can get a separation agreement done up, but he's too busy with his new life to get much of anything done.

Thank you in advance.

[Mess]

1) You can't keep him away from the kids completely unless you have evidence that he may be violent with them or otherwise put them in physical danger. From what you say, you won't be able to show that.

You have potential to show that he should only be able to have supervised visits. It doesn't sound wise for you to be the supervisor, so perhaps the CAS or a trusted family member. You would very carefully have to put all the facts together into a compelling case argument.

2) I agree with you and so does all of the literature I was able to find when a similar situation evolved with my ex and her new lover. Unfortunately most of it that I could find was in the form magazine-type articles on the internet, like Today's Parent magazine website, etc. They often quote psychologists, etc but I couldn't find any clinical studies.

Even so, there is complete consensus that dating and kids don't mix. He should be waiting much longer for the kids to settle in to the fact that their parents are split up, and he should establish his relatonship with his new girlfriend as being stable. Right now they are basicly a rebound couple and he is not in a stable emotional place.

When we break up after a long relationship, we tend to react to our new partners with the habits we reacted to our old partners. If something my ex said regularly was hurtful, I'll get defensive if someone I'm close to says something similar now. That kind of thing is really common. This makes a rebound relationship really unstable unless the people are mature, wise and have their shit together, like maybe 1 in 10 people do. You ex doesn't sound like the 1 in 10.

[allbrokenup]

Thank you VERY much for reading all that and giving such a good reply. He definitely is not the 1 in 10, and neither is she....25 with 3 kids from 2 different guys, and in the middle of her own divorce.

What you say about supervised access...that's really what I was thinking, but I know I didn't say that. The kids love him and miss him. Unless he went even further off the deep end, I would never want them to not see him at all, for their sake. However, he's proven that he makes bad judgments when alone with them...and this is all new, before the separation he was rational and I had no such fears.

[mominont]

My ex has supervised access refuses to medicate for mental health issues. He has choosen not to see the child after visiting her in a supervised access centre for 1.5yrs.

How do you know that the sitters he left the kids with are CAS flagged?

I had police reports (mental health crisis group), a doctor called CAS and I got his entire medical reports. We've had 2 OCL reports that recommend supevised access, to back up my claim. Do you have any documention from medical professionals? Doctors will not provide the information to you unless its been court ordered. Do you have a letter from his doctor about the missed appointment and him no longer being a patient?

If you 100% believe that your children are in danger while in his presence, don't let them go with him. One judge said to my ex and his lawyer in court,
"that it would be irresponsible of me to offer anything but unsupervised visitation"

Is your ex maintaining employment?

There is really nothing you can do about him introducing other people to your children. You don't have to let the new friends be alone with your kids.

[dadtotheend]

As wrong as it may be to introduce the kids to his girlfriend, there is nothing you can really do about it. I think you will have to take consolation in the fact that kids are resiliant and will get used to it.

The erratic behaviour is another thing altogether. If he is acting the way he is, you are bound to try and convince him to see the kids in a supervised setting. Try and sell him on this idea by softening the pitch to him. Don't use the word supervised. Sugar coat it to get him to buy in. Consider asking someone in his family or a friend of his to assist you if possible.

Otherwise, you might have no choice to run to court and seek an interim custody order, which will no doubt ratchet up the conflict and further divide the two of you, to say nothing of the burden you will face convincing a judge.