"Written Communication Only" Clause In Court Order

[#1StepMom]

From what I understood during my custody/suport battle ALL THE ISSUES tO BE ADDRESSED IN COURT HAVE TO BE IN AFFIDAVIT.Nothing new/unwritten can be discussed dring a case conference.

Yeah, that's what I thought. This is a settlement conference though... going on try #2.

I guess the latest we can hold off on bringing up a new issue (i.e. written communication) is the settlement conference brief, correct?

[sufferer]

Hi Step Mom

From what I understood during my custody/suport battle ALL THE ISSUES tO BE ADDRESSED IN COURT HAVE TO BE IN AFFIDAVIT.Nothing new/unwritten can be discussed dring a case conference.

[#1StepMom]

After some discussion, my husband decided to take a slightly different route. He wants to ask for this "last-minute" in front of the judge. As an "oh, by the way, your honour, would it be possible for you to grant written communication via email, as..."

Is this possible? Or does an issue HAVE to be in the settlement brief in order to be addressed in court?

[independentgal]

I think you just need to be consistent in refusing to acknowledge phone calls from her. Period. It will get worse before she comes to terms with this new method of communicating. She sounds like she is pulling all the stops with trying to get him to interact with her.

He just needs to give it time. Tell her once by email he will not respond to any voicemails unless they relate to a medical emergency or true emergency(involving authorities) regarding their child. Also, he needs to give her notice in writing that she is not to contact him at his residence or his place of employment for any reason except a medical or true(involving authorities) emergency involving their son. Make it sound formal.

Crazy mother of my child,

This email is my final notice that I do not want you to contact me by telephone for any reason except for a true emergency(medical emergency involving our child or emergency involving the authorities). End of story.

Yours truly,

Your ex


Just a suggestion on how to reduce her craziness.

[#1StepMom]

Just to note, it is a myth of American tv shows that phone recordings aren't legal in Canada. In Canada as long as one party (you) know the conversation is being recorded, the recording is legal. (What that means is some third party stranger can't record your conversation.)

The content of a recorded conversation, or an answering machine, may not be admissible in a family court claim. (I don't know first hand, but this has been said on the boards here) but it is admissible in a criminal suit or a civil suit for harrassmant or to get a restraining order etc. If you are making a charge of harrassment, then of course the telephone calls are evidence.

Mess, you are absolutely right. It is perfectly legal to record a conversation or message if 1 party is aware. However, although such recordings are admissible in criminal court, they are not in family court. We asked a family lawyer about this when she first started calling and refusing to put anything in writing (because "it takes too long to draft an email") - Ha!!! We asked a family lawyer if the messages could be used as evidence, and were told that they cannot be used as evidence in family court. Only written documentation is able to be used. And the lawyer even expressed that this is the reason why my stepson's mom has most likely begun her "verbal communication only" campaign.

So now, we want to start a campaign of our own... written communication only!

[Mess]

Just to note, it is a myth of American tv shows that phone recordings aren't legal in Canada. In Canada as long as one party (you) know the conversation is being recorded, the recording is legal. (What that means is some third party stranger can't record your conversation.)

The content of a recorded conversation, or an answering machine, may not be admissible in a family court claim. (I don't know first hand, but this has been said on the boards here) but it is admissible in a criminal suit or a civil suit for harrassmant or to get a restraining order etc. If you are making a charge of harrassment, then of course the telephone calls are evidence.

[NBDad]

Yes, email is a method of direct communication. I have it in my own interim court order that all communications be done via email. Then again my custody/access situation is still stupidly unstable and I'm still in the middle of freaking litigation.

For some people (like my ex, and by the sounds of it, your stepson's mother) you need to break out the crayons and explain it like you would to a 4 year old.

More than one phone call a day constitutes harrassment. If you want to play hardball...call the cops. Recorded voicemail messages should be admissible I believe. (The other person obviously knows they are being recorded.)

Insofar as text messages...you CAN forward them as email to an alternate account and print them off that way (the phone number shows in the to/from fields so you CAN prove whose the one sending them...but it's a royal pain in the butt to do so.... each time you send/receive something it's considered a separate item so a single text conversation can generate dozens or hundreds of items.

[standing on the sidelines]

Ha ha... you guys make me laugh! But there is so much truth in what you write... it's scary!

Quick question... Would email be considered a form of "direct" communication?

My stepson's mother believes it is "indirect" and demands to communicate only "directly" by phone calls or face-to-face communication.

What are your thoughts?

to me an email is direct. It is sent to the person in question. To me indirect would be if she had to tell someone else and that person told your husband

[#1StepMom]

Disclaimer: I am no mental health expert. But to me it sounds like she is narcisstic. The world revolves around her, she can't possibly do anything wrong or make a mistake, it is always the fault of the person beside her, she needs to be in the spotlight of attention constantly and will "create" events and emergencies to get in the spotlight if necessary.

What she hates the most is being ignored. If there weren't children involved, I would say ignore her constantly, pretend she doesn't exist and you never get her messages just to piss her off.

Oh Mess... I've come to the same conclusion long ago! But no one seems to believe my husband and I. They say "she's just being a typical mother!"

I'm not a psychologist, but I think the main problem is that she got pregnant young (at 21) and went against her family's wishes to give the baby up for adoption, as - in their words - it would "ruin her life." She refused to abide by their wishes, even though they explained to her that her friends would leave her, she would not have the freedom she imagines she will have, it will be difficult to find time to socialize/date, she will have to put her education/career on hold, yadda yadda yadda.

Well now that all of this has come true... she is bitter and jealous that my husband (who was 19 when his son was born) managed to finish school, establish a career (albeit the 2009 employment difficulies), get married, and have a life of his own, on his own... while she lives in a small bedroom she shares with her 7-year-old son in her grandparents' bungalow out in the boonies. (Farmland all around, tumbleweeds, and not a store/plaza/coffeeshop/life within a 10min drive is considered boonies to me. If you differ, I apologize for any offense.)

I think now that she's about to turn 30, she's realizing the facts of her life, and resents my husband for not having to make the same sacrifices... even though, he truly has. She has even made it clear that she feels that my husband doesn't hold the child to the same priority as she does. Which is completely untrue. The only difference is that my husband treats his son as a child, while she treats the child as the many "persons" she is lacking in her life... a friend, companion, conversationalist, etc.

And now, she's using the only card she has to hold over my husband and I - being the child's biological mother - to squeeze her way into our lives by ensuring we are reminded of her daily (i.e. hearing her voice on our voicemail) so that we cannot live "normal" lives.

I don't know how much sense that makes. As I said, I'm no psychologist. But this is the only thing that makes sense to my husband and I. And it's a theory that has been, believe it or not, confirmed by the counselor we met with 2 years ago when a judge ordered that the 3 of us attend counselling to help with our communication with one another.

So given the circumstance... we're trying to protect ourselves and our life by not allowing her to exercise the control she is trying to gain.

That is why I need some help in formulating a reasonable, fool-proof case for written communication. :-)

[#1StepMom]

Ha ha... you guys make me laugh! But there is so much truth in what you write... it's scary!

Quick question... Would email be considered a form of "direct" communication?

My stepson's mother believes it is "indirect" and demands to communicate only "directly" by phone calls or face-to-face communication.

What are your thoughts?

[billiechic]

My thoughts exactly.

[logicalvelocity]

Thanks LV. We actually have a review on Thursday so I will ask for that. It doesn't make sense for everything to have to go through a lawyer if we can use written communication.

Its money in the bank which ultimately benefits the kids.

[billiechic]

Thanks LV. We actually have a review on Thursday so I will ask for that. It doesn't make sense for everything to have to go through a lawyer if we can use written communication.

[logicalvelocity]

A restraining order was issued last week against my ex, with no direct or indirect communication towards me. I don't know if that would include written communication, but I put a communication book into my daughter's bag yesterday. He is not completely literate, being an immigrant, but it is the only way we might be able to work things through for her.

I can't see why the court wouldn't order written communication for you. Especially given the history. I would try again.

This method could be considered indirect communication and in effect you both would be breaching the restraining order. Next time in court take steps to have the restraining order varied to accomodate a communication book and only entries concerning health, welfare or education of the child is to made.

[billiechic]

Not a bad idea Mess. I've had to spell out things for my ex as well. If it works in the end, then maybe it is worth it.

It is your right to decide only to respond to things in writing or for emergencies. She can't force you to respond. Ihope this works.