Adultery: A big deal?

[dadtotheend]

Your lawyer is right. Adultery doesn't matter. Of course it hurts, but separation and divorce is not about blaming people, it's about severing ties.

Her decision making (in)abililty is only relevant as to how if affects children, if you have any.

[standing on the sidelines]

Well that is a two edged sword. Someone could question that if you knew she slept around a lot then how can you be of sound mind if you stayed??

Do yourself a favour and destroy the tape. It will not help you in any legal proceedings and if you decide to do something nasty with it like post it on youtube or something, that could come back and bite you in the butt later. Just destroy it.

[Mess]

Poor you.

You didn't own her vagina, she retained the right to do whatever she wanted with it.

What you had was an agreement that you wouldn't sleep with anyone else and neither would she. She decided she couldn't live with that. She was torn between dumping your ass and staying with you and pretending to have a great marriage and keep things together.

She made the wrong choice. That wrong choice wasn't sleeping around, it wasn't staying in the marriage. The wrong choice was marrying you in the first place.

Don't be mad at her though. You were blind and couldn't see the relationship for the empty shell it was. You blundered your way through it completely oblivious to what was going on around you. You claimed you loved her, but in reality you didn't know the first thing about her, you married her knowing her at only the most superficial level.

Be mad at yourself. Be a man, own up to what an idiot you were, learn from your mistake and then move on. You aren't proving anything by calling her "scum", other than the fact that she still has power over you, which means you are still letting yourself be an idiot.

And if you think I'm being hard on you, you still need to man up. I'm saying this because I've been there.

[About_Time]

Just because your wife slept around doesn't mean she can't make reasonable decisions when it comes to parenting. Everyone may have had a ride on the village bicycle, but it'll still get you from A to B. My ex was beaming her breasts all over the internet but she can still get the kids fed and off to school.

The reason judges don't want to hear about adultery is that 99.9% of the time it's brought up simply because one spouse is p*ssed off about the other's cheating and thinks they should be punished for it. That's not how the law works. Decisions are made based on what's best for the kids, not to assuage your bruised feelings.

I'm sympathetic because I've been there - trust me - but trying to interject your personal anger over her indiscretions into your court case will only work out badly for you.

[dinkyface]

Court doesn't care if she is a scumbag. The court would only care if you have proof that she is putting the children in danger.

The court wants to see YOU acting in such a way as to promote cooperative parenting between the 2 of you. And that means disregarding the lies she puts in her affidavits.

[About_Time]

Re: lying in afidavits, the best way to deal with these is briefly and without drama. My ex made several outrageous claims in her application and in my response I simply stated that sections X, Y and Z were false and left it at that. 9 times out of 10 the judge won't care and it never comes up in proceedings or factors into decisions (mine didn't) and on the off chance it does, your disagreement with the facts is noted and it can be explored in greater detail then.

The more venemous, gossipy, irrelevant BS a judge has to skim through to get to the heart of a divorce case, the crankier they get. Let HER be the one rankling him.

[dadtotheend]

So do I just shut up and make her sling shit or fight fire with fire.

Let her be a clown. Let yourself present a solid parenting plan that you are living today and will live in the future. You will get joint custody and she will look like a clown.

That will be extent of your reward, but her looking like a clown to a court that will forget about you both as soon your matter is settled is a short-lived and distant second to your ongoing critical inclusion in your children's lives.

Being child centred in these circumstances is the best you can do. Not once in my 800+ posts on this forum have you heard me cry a river about my ex's horrendous behaviour - and, believe me, there's lots of ammunition with which to fire away. You know why? Because I have been child-centred the whole f'n time.

Try it. It's hard, but it works. I got sole custody.

As for the tape, well you don't want to know what I would do with it! HA HA.

[got2bkid]

Mess says "Be mad at yourself. Be a man, own up to what an idiot you were, learn from your mistake and then move on."

How can you say he was an idiot when you don't even know him or his situation? Why are so many people on this site intent on blaming the victim? Is it just because he is a man in this case? If a women wrote in about the same thing, would you have said "be a women, own up to what an idiot you were..."? I highly doubt it, you would NOT have treated a women like that.

Personally I do think it shows a lack of proper judgement on your ex-wife's part. How did she not know if the stranger she let into her house and have sex with her was a murderer and would murder her and your children?! How about even just a theif, or a child molester, or have a disease or leaving a video tape around for the children to find? I think being "child centered" means not letting the children be in harms way, through a women who lets strangers into the home.

Talk to your lawyer and see if there is a "child centered" way it can be brought up to help you get custody, or at the very least shared custody.

Cl4, you are not the idiot. She is.

[dadtotheend]

How does this show she "can take care of the kids"? Filming a porno while the little ones are upstairs? What if her one night stand was a dangerous person?

Chill out dude, did you ever have sex in your house with the kids upstairs? I did. Did you ever take a pic, or even a movie of that? Lots of folks have.

And how is it that she is now the VD ridden town whore? Who let all that out of the bag? Her one-night stand? You? Her? The neighbours watching through the windows?

All due respect, it is hard to believe you're not seething about the cheating.

All that said, was the guy a complete stanger?

[got2bkid]

I'd say knowing the guy for 2 days qualifies him as a stranger.

I believe 100% that Cl4 is concerned for his kids, and not upset at her behavior. My husband has an ex that is the same way. He went to pick up the kids one weekend and the ex bragged about how, the night before, she let a guy she met on the internet tie her up and have sex with her. In the house. With 2 little girls there. And she thought it was cool. My husband didn't give a $hit what the whore was up to now, but was LIVID at the thought of what a stranger could have done to his KIDS while she was tied up.

With all due respect, you guys berating him for caring about his children's saftey should listen to his concerns as they are completely valid.

[Mess]

As far as calling the victim an idiot- that's just stupid and any one who would is a bigger idiot. If someone cheats on you they broke the moral contract. Not you. I realize she is an idiot. Any cheating spouse is. But she's a dangerous idiot because her behavior can be potentially fatal for the kids.

Believing you had a "moral contract" that she was somehow beholden to is ridiculous. This isn't the 12th century. You don't own her. She wanted to sleep with someone, she did.

Every time you walk the kids down the street you are exposing them to something "potentially fatal". Every time you drive them down the highway. Every time you let them play in the park. You are exagerating to a ridiculous degree.

You want my advice? Go for it. Show the judge the video tape. If he doesn't want to watch it, just wave it in his face and babble on and on about the moral contract. See how far it gets you. You are getting sound advice, yes it was harshly worded, but it was sound. Ignore it. Enjoy yourself.<!-- / message -->

[dadtotheend]

There must be copies floating all over town. The lovers, you, maybe your ex all have them. Where do I get one?

[sufferer]

Re: lying in afidavits, the best way to deal with these is briefly and without drama. My ex made several outrageous claims in her application and in my response I simply stated that sections X, Y and Z were false and left it at that. 9 times out of 10 the judge won't care and it never comes up in proceedings or factors into decisions (mine didn't) and on the off chance it does, your disagreement with the facts is noted and it can be explored in greater detail then.

The more venemous, gossipy, irrelevant BS a judge has to skim through to get to the heart of a divorce case, the crankier they get. Let HER be the one rankling him.

I echo with you.My ex used the same nasty tactics and I made my point clear by thinking about just the kids.He pissed off Mr Judge by using irrevelant
blames.I didn't even pointed his adultery(8 months of separation and he had his new child).So be practical,let her live the way she wants to live.You stay focused and try making the worse times good.

[sufferer]

[QUOTE=.

As for the tape, well you don't want to know what I would do with it! HA HA.[/QUOTE]

I would like to know what are your plans hahahahha

[standing on the sidelines]

How can I stand by? easy. For the sake of the kids. For me it was always about the kids. It's the sacrifice I made. I don't get this; If the guy cheated he's a scum bag. If the lady cheated I am still the scum bag for sticking around?????

I ever said that, please do not try and put words into my mouth.