advice on serving him

[billiechic]

I'm finally going to serve him today. I am giving him a letter to determine which points we agree on and narrow down the issues. I just told him about it and he was fine, but I didn't tell him I filed for sole custody. I want to ask him to consider mediation first, and that going to court is still my last resort, but I will pursue it if we can't make some progress.

Any advice? I am meeting him at our daughter's daycare. We are going to talk before he goes in, so she won't know I am there.

[#1StepMom]

You can just hand him the paperwork after your meeting. It's probably the easiest.

Otherwise, you can mail it, fax it, courier it... etc.

[billiechic]

I have to serve him in person, as it is the first time.
I think I'll wait until after we talk. Good idea. I am so nervous.

[#1StepMom]

I have to serve him in person, as it is the first time.
I think I'll wait until after we talk. Good idea. I am so nervous.

Don't be nervous. You don't have to tell him that you're serving him. Just have your meeting like you would normally, and when you part ways, simply say "Oh, I have this for you... some documents to look over... thanks, bye!" Simple as that! ;-) Just make sure it's all in a sealed enveloped with his name and address on it.

[Mess]

Good luck, let us know how it went.

[billiechic]

oh, it went ok. He knew I was bringing him a letter, so I handed him the envelope. Things were very emotional. He really wants me back, he is so sad. He said he has thought about having her attend school where he will live and has realized that it wouldn't work as 50/50 was not possible that way. Of course I asked him why he didn't call me and tell me that when he thought about it, since it would have helped to smooth things over.

But it was very hard for me too. I still love him, but the hurt from all the abuse is so deep I don't know if I will ever get through it. I'm in counselling, but it is so raw when I am near him, especially when he is so sorry for what he has done. I can't tell if I am sad for what I lost and what could have been, or if I am thinking I made a mistake.

So there is a new problem. His family celebrates Christmas on Christmas Eve. The plan was to drop her off around 2pm and I was going to pick her up at midnight (since they open presents at 11). He wants to drop her off in the morning. I understand that he thinks I would be waking her up, butI would be there right after they finished presents, so she would be awake (Last year she fell asleep at 11:30, she was 2.5.)

I know that it is late. I know it might be best to leave her there. But then she would miss MY family traditions of Christmas morning. She will get to experience all of his family traditions on Christmas Eve, they do nothing Christmas day. Also, I was going to return her in the evening on Christmas, so he would still see her for the actual day.

Can anyone provide some feedback? Both on how I am feeling and this Christmas arrangement? I really feel like I would be giving in to him by letting him drop her off Christmas morning.

[HatesCheaters]

I wouldn't approach this as a problem but as an opportunity. Those of us with 50/50 and who both have Christmas morning as the main tradition, have our kids every other year for opening of the gifts/family time. My ex and I make a point of dividing the week such that my son gets dropped off at the others place half way through the 25th so that he can see everyone on both sides on that day. Has worked great. But Christmas morning, and the gifts and excitement and unwrapping presents in your PJs with bedhead, that's every second year.

All he needs to see is that by being flexible and working with you to ensure the midnight pickup, that your daughter has a tremendous opportunity to have a fantastic Christmas EVERY YEAR where she gets to enjoy both traditions and see both sides of her family. I hope that he can see the benefit of this for your daughter. If not, then next year your daughter will be with you on Christmas eve so that you can enjoy Christmas morning with her and he will have to wait another year to have her there on Christmas eve.

As for your emotions, I can't comment on that as I was the one who was left after she had an affair. She's a stranger to me and the most I feel is a slight sense of pity.

Happy Holidays and I hope that you have peaceful 2010.

[wretchedotis]

Do you love the abuse?
You did NOT make a mistake.
Write a 5 point list of the 5 worse things he did to you, and when you are waxing poetic, pull it out and read it.
Look to the future. Learn from the past.

[#1StepMom]

Don't dwell on it. You're doing great! You are taking care of yourself and your needs so that you can be the best mother you can be. Your ex needs to learn to take care of himself instead of depending on you to take care of him.

In terms of Christmas, the norm in these situations is to alternate Christmas Eve/Morning and Christmas Day yearly, with an exchange at 12PM Christmas Day. This is what we do and it works pretty well. Our family continues our annual Chrustmas traditions, whether our son is there or not. Every-other-year he takes part in a different tradition. He enjoys it, we don't dwell on it. After all, he gets 2 (or more) Christmases each year, and double, if not triple, the presents. ;-)

[Mess]

I'm glad it went smoothly for you, the letter I mean.

My father was an alcoholic and physicly abusive to my mum. I had a hard time with this and for years I never spoke to him. I did eventually go to see him, I gave him a hug and told him he was a good dad (he wasn't really) (and he knew it) and that I loved him.

I'm glad I did, he died of liver cancer just a few years later. But I could never see him for more than an hour or so, he still drank, still lost his temper, was still a broken person inside and could be really nasty with his words. I'm probably the only person in the family who wasn't physicly afraid of him, but he could wound you anyway if he wanted to.

My mum thrived after leaving him and met a very nice man who was retired and took great care of her and valued her companionship. She is a completely different person now.

I guess I want to say, it's ok to love someone who is damaged like that. We can't help who we love. But eventually we have to get away from them, it's just a fact. You've done the right thing for yourself and there is nowhere to go but up now.

[billiechic]

My God, THANK YOU for telling me what I needed to hear, all of you. Mess, you are right. I will always love him, but I need to put that behind me.

I will try to talk to him about the exchange again. I hope he has thought about my reasons.

He thinks he has been giving in to me, but he has not. He did not deserve a 50/50 shared parenting as he has done less than 10% of parenting up to the split, but I gave him that, no problem because my daughter deserved it. Just because I am the one who has to come up with all the answers lets him think that he is giving in to me. Not once has he thought of something himself to make this work, so I guess that he thinks that means I am always getting my way. Really, if I got my way things would be very different, but I'm not sure if it would be better for my child.

I AM trying to give my daughter BOTH family traditions as best as I can. According to the schedule I have her Christmas Eve, and he would have her Christmas Day. It was my idea to switch so she could celebrate with both her families. I wish he could see that instead of feeling he is entitled to everything.

[dadtotheend]

As posted above, it is common to alternate each year with an exchange on Christmas mid-Day. We do it at 1pm. Every family has their traditions and it is hard, especially in the first year or two after separation to get used to this change in the schedule. Just remember the traditions are not as entrenched for the child as for the older members of the family.

Since the needs of the child are first and foremost, this is just one of the many areas where parents and extended families have to make allowances for a schedule that doesn't fit their desires each year. An alternating schedule with a transfer mid Christmas day really does work OK in the circumstances, and once the adults get used to it.

One thing I don't get in your post above. You say you don't want to go to court, but you also say you have served him and you are applying for sole custody. Have you filed an application with the court yet?

[billiechic]

I just talked to him for an hour. He didn't want to let me pick her up, but he agreed eventually because I explained that any other night I wouldn't even think of letting her stay up that late, but that HIS Christmas Eve traditions would keep her up until at least 11pm, probably longer, and that I would pick her up as soon as he told me they were finished. I told him she was going to sleep on the way home, and that she would be just as stressed to be woken up and driven an hour to my house at 6 am like he wanted.
Anyway, he has now decided that he is also going to move to the town where her daycare is. He says it's because he now realizes that it is best for her and it will allow us to continue with our 50/50. I'm not quite sure if that's true, but I am going to try to believe it. It really would be great if he is doing that only for her.
Merry Christmas everyone. Thanks for your advice.

[billiechic]

One thing I don't get in your post above. You say you don't want to go to court, but you also say you have served him and you are applying for sole custody. Have you filed an application with the court yet?

I have been trying to work out an agreement for 5 months. He was an abuser, and was constantly agreeing to things, then changing his mind whenever he felt like it. He even tried to cancel her birthday party!

That is not acceptable, my child needed stability and a schedule that was solid, therefore I felt it was time to file for custody. IF we can work together and he agrees (in writing) to put her interests ahead of his own, then there will be no reason to follow through with the court case. Basically I filed and gave him two options:1. work with me and a mediator to find something that works for all of us, or 2: let the court decide. I gave him the choice, but I couldn't let him keep stalling on important things or changing his mind at the last minute. It was too emotionally draining for all of us.

A Christmas day exchange works well for most families. However in this case is adds nothing to my daughter's experience, it actually takes something away. Christmas day at my in-laws is a regular morning, no excitement at all. I want my child to have the excitement of waking up and running for her stocking. She will have all the excitement with her dad's family tonight, and all the excitement with mine tomorrow morning. If she didn't come home tonight, she would lose some of that.

This schedule IS Status quo for our family. For her first 3 Christmases she spent Chrismas Eve with her dad's family (and I), staying up until midnight (or almost) to open presents, and then with my family, running for her stocking in the morning. Even the drive home is a regular part of it, the drive after midnight. The only thing different is that she will leave her dad at midnight, and join me. and that her parents don't live in the same house. If he was ok with it for the past 3 years, why should this year be any different.

Nobody questions what intact families subject their kids to for holiday traditions (midnight mass, 8 hour drives to grandparents etc.), so why should separated and divorced parents have to change traditions that they always celebrated in the past? If I can find a way that makes it work and she loses nothing, then why is it so horrible? If we were still together she would be doing the EXACT same thing.

[dadtotheend]

Nobody questions what intact families subject their kids to for holiday traditions (midnight mass, 8 hour drives to grandparents etc.), so why should separated and divorced parents have to change traditions that they always celebrated in the past? If I can find a way that makes it work and she loses nothing, then why is it so horrible? If we were still together she would be doing the EXACT same thing.

So it works for you. That's great. Staying up till midnight on a special day is no big deal. I was only weighing in on what others were saying.

I still don't get it. I think you have filed a court application, but you only say "I filed" above. Have you filed with the courts?