Advice on something - right of first refusal?

[NoahsDaddy]

I apologize in advance for the length of this. There seems to be a lot of people on here who have some excellent experience and suggestions to make; I was wondering if I could get some advice on something? Background: My ex and I have an 18 month old son who I love more than anything...however, he is the result of a brief relationship between the two of us. After a ridiculous court process in which I was accused of being everything from suicidal to an alcoholic, she ended up accepting my offer to settle. In the end, we have joint custody with the primary residence being with my ex. Some particulars of our final court order:

• Child is with me two evenings per week and every other weekend.
• I have two weeks of vacation time with him every year.
• We both have right of first refusal for any child care that exceeds 4 hours time.
• She accepted the offer to settle in July of this year. Because the child was fairly young, they wanted to "stage" my overnight access on the weekends. Because I had already spent 40 thousand dollars in legal fees, I agreed to this to simply put an end to everything. So, I agreed that I would have him overnight Fridays only until January 1st 2010...at that time, the overnights would extend to the entire weekend.

I am about to be married to someone that I have now known for 5 years. In fact, we were in a relationship for three years prior to the birth of my son, separated and then reconciled. Without any real reason for it, outside of animosity towards the fact that I am with her and not the ex, my ex HATES my wife.

Also, I have two jobs. I have a very good full-time day job and I work as a disc jockey on the side - one night (Saturday evenings) per week. Truth be told, I really do not want to work the second job anymore. However, my ex and her lawyer made significant issue of the income from the second job when we were going through court. They seemed to think it was going to be some sort of gold mine for the two of them; failing to recognize that all of the money I make doing this is not "income." I do have write-offs and expenses etc. associated with it. In the end, it was a 60 dollar difference in child support every month - $680/month vs. $740/month. Ironically, I would guess that the two of us collectively spent at least 15 grand arguing over this secondary income...for the sake of $60 a month or $720 a year. Even if my income never changed, this works out to $12960.00 over 18 years...less than the legal fees associated with arguing it in the first place.

Since we are now approaching the new year, I am set to to take my son for the entire weekend. My ex is now raising a stink over the fact that I wish to continue the second job on Saturday nights. I have proposed that I would put the child to bed and go to work once he is sleeping. My wife would be there to tend to him in the event that he woke up and I would be there in the morning when he got up for the day. All-in-all, I would be gone for a period of 5 hours and 45 minutes...while he is sleeping. The child is an excellent sleeper and only ever wakes up if he's lost his soother. He has seen my wife every single week for the last 15 months and genuinely likes her. There is a double-standard here - my ex has no problem leaving him with a 20 year old babysitter for over 4 hours while lying to me about how long she is going to be gone...but is taking issue with someone who is part of his life and will be ongoing. When she leaves him with this babysitter, I don't cause issue and simply trust her judgement as his mother - that she would not leave him with someone who is unfit to care for him. Unfortunately, I do not get the same courtesy.

This frustrates me because my ex seems to want to have it both ways. She does not want me working the second job, but wants me to pay child support on the secondary income as well. I even asked her - "if I quit, are you going to sign the form to lower my child support?" No answer. There are no issues (and never have been) around the care that I provide for my son. My ex claims that she wants to have a "relationship" with my wife, but, really refuses to make an effort to do so. While we were going through court, she put more focus on my wife than she did on my son. She wanted criminal record checks done on my wife, she accused my wife of threatening her...on and on and on. On the flipside, when I was introduced to her new partner, I simply engaged in casual conversation with him. Part of me wanted to turn around and request a Police check...simply because she had done it to me and set a precedent. However, I chose not to because it was only going to cause problems. My ex and my wife have never really even had a conversation together but my ex resents her because she is with me...no other reason.

We are now meeting with a mediator - hence some of my previous comments about one party being open/engaged and the other one not. She is not agreeing to extending or changing this 4 hour time period, nor is she offering any suggestions or agreeing to lower my child support if I quit the job. She even went as far as to make some ridiculous comment around the fact that if I "genuinely wanted to spend time with my son, I'd be focusing on that and not the second job." It's not a question of wanting to work the second job, it's more a question of needing to right now. I mean, I'm still paying off credit that was ran up fighting for him in the first place. Also, I think it would be different if I was leaving him during the day...which I would never do. If he's already going to be sleeping, what is the big deal about someone that he knows and trusts being there to watch over him? Since I make 3 times what she does in a year, I also have the pleasure of paying 75% of the mediator cost.

We live an hour away from each other. With the exception of her coming every other weekend to pick him up from my house, I do ALL of the driving. Baseline, I do 8 hours worth of driving in comparison to her 2. Any other times that I take my son to help her out, I drive both ways. I'm spending at least $250/month on gas and racking up the KM on my car like no tomorrow. So, realistically, the money that I make with the second job pays for the following: Child Support, gas to see my son and my share of daycare expenses. She does not look at it that way. With the high child support amount that includes the secondary income, I am going to be hard pressed to get by without the second job and worry about my mortgage and my own personal well-being. I'm weighing either quitting the second job or basically telling her "tough shit" on the 4 hour right of first refusal thing.


My questions are as follows:

1. I feel that I am being reasonable in discussing the issue with the mediator...and paying for 3/4 of it at the same time. The mediator has made it pretty clear to me that a court is not going to have a lot of patience for her if she raises a stink over an additional period under 2 hours - especially if it is for work and especially since I'm not leaving him with some stranger that he's never met. If (after the mediation) she is still not agreeable to extending the right of first refusal time, should I simply look at her and say "I'm being reasonable, you're not, go file a motion with the court?" Should I file a motion first? Will the court reprimand me over this extra time?
2. If I quit the second job and file form 15 to have my child support changed, what is the likelihood that they will do this? For a second job that she has basically forced me to quit after making such a stink about when it came to CS in the first place? I've had this second job for years...and she knew I had it when she accepted my offer to settle.
3. Given the huge dispairity in driving time between the two of us, the mediator also told me he's suprised that my CS isn't adjusted to account for that. Does anyone have any knowledge on this?

Any feedback would be appreciated. I either want her to agree to it so that I can work my second job and support myself or I want her to agree to revise my CS if I quit. She can't have her cake and eat it too.

[independentgal]

That is tough, that she is being so difficult with you. I would try with the mediator for sure. The extra time being spent driving with your child in order to give her the opportunity to watch him, not to mention keeping the child out of his bed in the night IS NOT in your child's best interests.

I don't think, if it came down to it, that a judge would allow your ex to make you drive around like that. It is simply not in your child's best interests. I can kind of understand if you were working all day somewhere else and the child is with your wife. The child's mom has the opportunity to have the child in that case according to your Order. But there is no additional quality time to be spent with the child when the child is asleep.

She sounds controlling and just a bit bitter! If she thought about her child first and foremost, you wouldn't even be having this argument.

[billiechic]

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She sounds controlling and just a bit bitter! If she thought about her child first and foremost, you wouldn't even be having this argument.

No kidding!

I think what you've proposed is reasonable. I can't see why she is starting this argument, I can't see a judge telling you to return the child because your wife is watching as he sleeps, That's ridiculous.

Did your SA decide CS based on income? If it did, you shouldn't have to file for a reduction, it would be reduced automatically every year. Unless the money is funneled through the FRO.

[NoahsDaddy]

This is exactly the point that I've been trying to make. First off, I would never leave him alone with my wife for an entire day or anything...and, it's not like I am depriving him of quality time with me while he is sleeping. I would be there in the morning when he got up. Whether or not SHE likes my wife is really irrelevant. Yes, it would be nice for them to get along...but, we continue talk about the "childs best interests." How is it not in his best interests to have her be there while he's sleeping? Especially since she sees him every week and, whether my ex likes it or not, there is a bond between them...my son likes her.

You know, I've been out taking my son for a walk at the park and bumped into her on a date with one guy. Then, less than a month later, she introduced me to a different guy...and expects me to have some sort of instantaneous relationship with him. From my standpoint, I don't care either way...if I get along with him, great. If not, that's okay too. If whoever she gets involved with is important to her, all the power to her. As long as that person doesn't hurt my son, or my ex as my sons' mother, we will be just fine. At least I am bringing stability to his life by being in a committed relationship with one person. Not so much on the other side, you know?

I think the fact that we have joint custody just bothers her to no end. She is very controlling and, honestly, I only think she sought sole custody so that she could have the ability to look at me and say "it's not your decision to make" if a time came that we disagreed on something. I think that, because of this, she loves to make issues out of things that never need to be made issue of. Sometimes you just want to move on with your life and be the best parent you can...without someone else doing everything in their power to get in the way.

[NoahsDaddy]

No kidding!

I think what you've proposed is reasonable. I can't see why she is starting this argument, I can't see a judge telling you to return the child because your wife is watching as he sleeps, That's ridiculous.

Did your SA decide CS based on income? If it did, you shouldn't have to file for a reduction, it would be reduced automatically every year. Unless the money is funneled through the FRO.

It just has a set amount of CS and then says that we will exchange tax returns every year....FRO gets the money, but, I pay them through online banking every month...they do not garnish my wages.

Thoughts?