Access to my child

[Mel]

I have a court order to which me n my ex agreed that he would have access to our daughter once a week and then whenever he is not working he will take her for sleepover during weekend. He left my daughters car seat and took her out in his car without it. I offered but he said..I dont need it. I am a cop. A few weeks later my daughter returned form her sleepover and informed me that papa's car has lot of pet hair at the back so i sat in the front seat. That was it. I stopped her from going to him and informed my lawyer. He has sent a letter regarding my concern of the child's safety and over confidence of being a cop and being able to break the law without fear. On this, he refused, saying i dont have any pet and have a car seat already and that I was lying and trying to waste courts time. My daughter told me all about sitting in the fron seat and that there were pet hair and even i met that pet a week ago as well. He is denying it now. Ever since this episode, i havent allowed my daughter to go with him. I have other apprehensions now. What if there are other safety issues inside the basement where he lives right now. He has threatened me that if i dont allow our daughter to meet him this weekend he will go to Children Aid Lawyer against me.
I am really confused. Pls advice what i should be doing at this stage. THx a lot

[standing on the sidelines]

When he takes the child again just tell him that while he is putting in her car seat you will get her. If he refuses the car seat then tell him she is not going unless it is in the car. He may bitch but be strong. Tell him he can have her as long as he uses the car seat which is the legal way for kids to travel. He may be a cop but that doesn't give him the right to break the rules.

As for his place, there are safety hazards in every place. Just make sure it is a legal basement apartment that has two exits in case of emergency.

How old is you daughter?

[Mess]

OK, no offence, but starting with the title of your post, "Access to MY child", you are running into problems here.

You ask what to do, and the thing I think you should really do is decide what your goals are here and why you want those goals and what you will have to do to achieve those goals. Once you clarify all that, many people here can give you sound advice.

You seem to want to find a reason to deny your child and her father any time together. Yes, car seats are an issue, but issues can be resolved. Your post doesn't seem to be "How can I get him to use a car seat" but "How can I keep him from having access."

I don't want to be hard on you over this, maybe you have a dozen valid reasons for wanting to control or limit or stop her parent from having access.

The thing I really really want to advise you to do is to be clear about what you want and what the valid reasons are for wanting it.

I would also advise you to be very careful, you are violating a court order for access. The car seat is one thing, but you are refusing access altogether now. You feel you have reasons, but you have to be able to prove those reasons, and you will also have to explain why you didn't just take her to her father's house yourself with your own car seat.

[representingself]

OK, no offence, but starting with the title of your post, "Access to MY child", you are running into problems here.

You feel you have reasons, but you have to be able to prove those reasons, and you will also have to explain why you didn't just take her to her father's house yourself with your own car seat.

Hey Mel....

"Mess" has some very valid points, and I would heed his advice.

Unless a NCP poses a very real and serious danger to a child, there aren't any good reasons to deny access, regardless of how you feel about that person, or his parenting styles.

He is her father, perfect or not, and they both deserve a relationship with one another.

If the child requires a car seat, you are right to have concerns about her safety. That being said, you could have provided safe transportation for the access visit.

It sounds like Dad has a car seat, but he forgot it. It happens!

If he forgets it again, tell him to go and get it, or use yours, but either way, the child doesn't leave unless she is safe..

If he remembers it next time, why wouldn't you let her go with him?

As far as the pet fur is concerned, as long as the child does not have a proven allergy to this certain breed of pet, then your concerns are not serious enough to seek a court action.

Also, I don't think that the court would put much weight into the testimony of a small child regarding where she sat in a vehicle on one occasion??

He can lie and deny owning a pet, but in reality, a Judge wont care unless it is a valid health matter.

You also can't deny access because there may or may not be "issues" in his basement apartment. Would you let him in your home to "inspect" it??
I am guessing not.. that's invasion of privacy right??

You wont be given permission by a court to inspect his home either.

Although you have apprehensions about her level of care, truth is, your daughter needs her father, and he needs her. As she gets older, she will know that you helped foster a happy, healthy relationship bewteen them....and that will be what is BEST for her.

Good Luck

[#1StepMom]

I know how frustrated it must be for you Mel, being afraid for your daughter. But I agree with the other posters. Unless you have physical proof of your daughter's safety being in jeopardy, there is very little you can do.

How about trying a more passive approach, so that you don't seem as threatening and controlling to her father? Maybe instead of "offering" your car seat, you should try saying something along the lines of "Here, take my carseat. Just return it with her when you drop her off. After all, our daughter's safety is what's important here." Smile and hand him the carseat.

Every parent has a different parenting style. This happens in intact/nuclear families as well. We all have our share of differences, we just need to learn to deal with them and accept them, as long as they are not harmful to our children.

All the best, and I think you've received some very good advice. :-)

[Mel]

Its not a legal basement he is living in. My daughter is 6 years old. I have heard from someone he bought a car seat now and is denying to what i said as always. I even went to the police station. They said that we have to see him driving with his child and without a car seat, only then we can give him any ticket. That wasnt my concern anyways. Its so strange that I have to put my child inot trouble deliberately for the cops to be able to warn my ex...i wont do that.
Anyways with all the feedback i have, i already sent a text to my ex that I can drop n pick our daughter so she can spend some time with him.
Thx a lot

[Mel]

I already have a spare car seat which he used to have in his car while we were together. But now its in the garage of our house and i offered him to take it. He showed me strange gestures and one could feel he doesnt care and then said..I dont need it...laughed and said I am a cop. That really pissed me off...he doesnt need it, it my daughter who needs it. This is such a careless behaviour. I wonder about other stuff im not aware of..my apprehensions but i guess I have to keep sending her to my ex bcos he is her biological father even if he is not doing what a father should be.
Thx a lot for ur advice

[Mel]

ever since we got separated i have not denied access and was proactive so she doesnt feel that mom dad do not live together any more. She was never deprived of her rights as for access is concerned. English is not my first language, may be i goofed up and it meant as if just MY but i really dont mean MY ONLY. She is our daughter but my concerns are only for her safety. I didnt deny complete access. I went downtown where he works and was ready to take her to his office so at least she can meet him and spend some time but he refused to meet her saying that i was with her. Later he blamed me for disturbing him at work. I guess its not good to be nice with someone these days. I never denied him access even when we didnt have any court order in action but he always puts some or the other blame on me after taking advantage of access. It keeps on n on for months and i was stressed out a lot then i hired a lawyer so he can put a motion and decide what will happen and no exchange of any text msgs unless for access.
Thx for your advice. I will do the needful.

[representingself]

Mel....

I know it sucks.... arrogance like that can be sooooo frusterating.

But think of it this way.... if you refuse him access or make it for him unbearable over time, he might stop requesting to see her at all...

In the end, even if he lives in an undesireable situation, acts like a jerk, dates a complete b*tch, and enjoys spinning you out...

it IS your baby girl who WILL suffer in the long run, if she doesn't get to know and love her father.

She will twist HIS issues into her own, and possibly blame herself for him abandoning her...

I know you just want to protect her, and straighten the guy out, but sometimes these things are out of our control.

Sometimes you have to step back and let him be a parent, make his mistakes, and be accountable to HER.

You two will be connected for the REST OF YOUR LIVES because you share a child.... try to make those years as bearable and stress free as possible.

Good Luck

[Mel]

I dont know why she needs a father who cant take care of himself, or her, cant make sound decisions, I lived with him for 11 years i know he is a total mess. He became a cop of with my efforts. When we came to canada he didnt have the guts to even apply for a post in Loblaws, wasnt confident if they will hire him. I sacrificed my job for his career, had a baby, stayed at home all the time and now she is 6 years old , he is a first class constable and now he wants to have his own ways and run away form domestic responsibilities, wants to travel and enjoy his money. Why does she need this kind of father. We need to make some changes somewhere. I am on my way to be a cop too. I passed written the very first time and going for physical in october. I am sending her to a private school all with my money , no contribution from her father, I have no job, spending on my physical training at the gym, maintaining house, taking my daughter to various disney shows, to Ottawa and doing all what i should be as a mom and as a dad. She feels so proud when she sees that now her mom also has biceps and triceps like her dad. WHY SHE NEEDS THAT RUN AWAY PERSON?

[representingself]

She needs that man because he is her FATHER... she is just as much HIS as she is YOURS... genetically, legally, morally....

It is only YOUR OPINION that he can't care for himself and make sound decisions. If he has been a Police Officer for years, then he is clearly capable and intelligent enough.

So what if he didn't have confidence 11 years ago... what does that have to do with anything??

You sacrificed your job to have a child, and care for that child for a few years... and I am sure that it was a JOINT DECISION, and is NOT HIS FAULT. How can you unilaterally blame him?

Your child is only 6 years old, and you are presently seeking a career in law enforcement as well, so you didn't sacrifice all that much... its not like you were a stay at home mom for 35 years...

Just because your relationship ended, doesn't mean that the relationship with HIS child has to end too.

I am sure your child is proud of you, and that's great.... but you CANNOT REPLACE her father.

Maybe he isn't perfect, and I bet your aren't too perfect either.... none of us are.

But if he is willing to be a part of her life, why would you stand in the way of that?? What do you have to gain??
Are you really thinking about what's best for your child, or only what is best for you?

If he is threatening to take you to court because you refused access, then he certainly isn't a "Run Away Person"...

[Mel]

Being a cop doesnt make one a good person. He wants her access to take her away from me, make me suffer and stay without her. Many a times My daughter told me that papa was sleeping and i was playing by myself.
I know what u mean but u dont know that person and I cant explain those 11 years spent with him. He cheated me at every step and i ignored so that family doesnt break. this time it was getting too mcuh on my daughter bcos she was watching us argue and fight and that wasnt acceptable at all and she is big enough to understand.
Anyways, you gave me ur opinion really helped me understand what others might think if i tell them the same especially when they dont know our past. The judge might think the same way. I have to explain more there i guess.
Thx a lot

[representingself]

Nope.... being a Cop doesn't automatically make you a good person...the same as being divorced doesn't automatically make you a bad parent!!!

I am sure you think that he exercises access to spite you, but those are selfish and self centered thoughts.

I also doubt that you "suffer" while she is away...

Sad?? Maybe.
Lonley?? Probably.
Miss her?? Sure!!

But also, jealous, resentful, angry, out of control??.....Definitely!

Suffer?????..... I have kids, and I know how wonderful a little alone time can be!! An overnight now and then shouldn't have you suffering.

I am also sure that you think he is an ass for all of the wrongs he did to you during your marriage.. ofcourse you dislike him, otherwise you would still be together.

But how he "wronged you" for 11 years again, has nothing to do with your daughter, and her relationship with her father.

This shouldn't be about YOU.

[In_This_Together]

Hey Mel:
You're getting some good advice here and from people who have been there but have had a little time to let the dust settle and the hurt heal. I too had the bad judgement to marry a ......well never mind. He was not always the greatest father, was often late picking up the kids, CS has been sporadic at best. I have a list as long as yours of all the assinine things he's done before and after our marriage, as I expect others here of both genders do. The point is, I never kept the kids from their father, even if they were angry with him I always encouraged them to forgive and spend time with them. And the reason I did that is because I understand that despite how he may have hurt me, he is their father and it is my duty to foster a loving and healthy relationship between them. They're older now and are coming to understand their father's shortcomings without any help from me and know that I did my best. That is way more gratifying than interfering in that relationship would ever have been. And even at that, I still encourage them to forgive him because none of us are perfect.
If your ex is as you say a 'run away person' and he abandons her, then he will one day have to account directly to her for that. But don't ever give him cause to say that you stood in his way. That will, without a doubt, come back to haunt you.
All the best. Find peace. Do not feed the drama beast.