moving abroad

[clarice]

hi...i am in a difficult situation and I don't know anymore what to do. I got married with a canadian man (I'm a P resident in Canada), in 2004. In 2006 we separated( not legally), in the mean time once in a blue moon we saw eachother and now we have a little girl 1yr and half. Since 2006 we never got back together, he didn't help or visited to much our daughter. Being a single mother it became pretty hard for me, I couldn't handle anymore so I moved back home to Europe. While I was in Canada, after I had my baby, I tried to settle the custody because I knew that any occasion he gets to make my life hard he will take it. But ofcourse I didn't got anywhere. However, now he has become very interested of our daughter and he's been threating me that he will take our daughter from me very easy cause I look like I kidnapped her. I understand the fact that I don't have custody but the law dosn't look at the other fact that our daughter doesn't know him at all? Can something like this happen?

[helplessDad]

I think it's a very positive indication that he's showing interest in your daughter. perhaps both of you should take some time to talk over not necessarily getting back together (if that's not what you want), but moving in together as friends who support their daughter, and for your daughter?

what's best for your daughter is really having a dad and a mom. by you moving to Europe would pretty much take away a dad from your daughter, unless that's your intention.

[clarice]

Yes..I thought about this of course, before after I had my baby, but I also had to think about my daughter having a pacefull environment and no yelling and screeming and throwing things around. My ex is very temperamental plus he smokes a lot of marihuana which makes him be even worse...Just because he shows some interes now doesn't mean he really found his inner fathery feallings all he wants is to revange cause he thinks thats what I am always thinking...when our daughter was there close to him he dindn't have the time to come to see her or to all to ask abt her..too busy partying. so you see.. we always have to look deeper in the big picture..

[singledad99]

Well that's only your version of the story. You took away his daughter without his consent or court order which shows malice on your part. Of course, every man is a monster after the family break up; how come you never reported the violence or drug abuse to appropriate authorities? If you are able to tell now what is inside his heart, how come then you married him and had a baby with him? Now that you have the baby, he is of no use to you anymore? Well, maybe he is useless to you but your daughter still needs him.

I might sound little harsh or judgemental but I am sorry, nobody will buy your allegations in the court unless you prove them. What is evident is that you kidnapped his daughter and now don't want her to see her father for your own personal reasons.

Try to look beyond your personal grudges and work things out with the father of your child or it will bit you right back when your daughter grows up and can't find her daddy.

[Stargate]

You have effectively become a fugitive by taking away your child from it's father. BAD MOVE!!!!

[clarice]

this is a replay directed to "singledad" ok...I can feel that u talking from your own experiance...look..I'm sorry if sth like this or sth similar happend to u...u seem to be a great guy..a good father..but I don't think u can understand my situation. I did loved this guy before...and that's why I had a baby with him...however.. he changed his mind over 100 times for keeping the baby or not and I didn't want to kill this baby. And is not like I moved away because my life was so wonderful and I was bored...I had to do this especially for my daughter..The place where I use to live I would have no chance in hell to ofer her a future.

[MaggieT]

Been there before!

Clarice: I know exactly what you are talking about and it is my opinion that leopards don't usually change their stripes!
I too had that father of my children kick me out of the house when I was 3 months pregnant with my second child...my first was only a year old!
I left...bought a nice house for me and my kids and moved on successfully (mind you..financially stressed from all his debts!)...a year of so later..he came back knocking on my door...about how much he missed his kids...
In reality..he had this great plan to "prove" i was an unfit mother...he moved back in...set me up in all types of situations..called social services on me...was abusive mentally and emotionally...and did everything he could to run me out of my own home so he could keep the kids...All for the sake of not having to pay child support!! (his own words by the way!)
The funny thing is that alot of people beleive that some men/women..not most...have great intentions and want to all of a sudden become part of their kids lives....when in reality....there is usually a plot being built to enrich their lives.
Separation and Divorce and all the inner workings are always, always about the money! An emotional and physical relationship ends and turns into a business relationship....most people don't realize that and keep the emotions in play.
Take the emotions out of your dealings with him now...he has given you reason not to trust and to gain that trust back, he has to prove that he is worthy of the trust. Alot of people don't realize that basic human social interaction, values and morals such as trust & respect become devalued and some fathers and mothers just assume that there is "ownership" to their children.
But what children need are security, trust, love, not to mention the basics of life such as food, shelter and clothing. Some of these absent fathers have not even provided as much as the basics...but still think its ok to just jaunt back into the childs life on a whim because...all of a sudden they have a change of heart.
For the most part...IN MY OPINION...is that they have been threatened by some aspect of life and now have the need to find a "control" mechanism...which is the child/ren.
Ok....well I am rambling on here....
my advice here is let him prove to you that he has great intentions. Let him spent time proving that his intentions are good. I don't think that anyone in their right mind would discount a mothers intuition and protective nature towards their child.
Get legal advice...if you can't afford a lawyer, seek out the closest womens shelter and discuss your options with one of their trained professionals. Your child cannot be taken away from you and his threats should not influence you. You may have to provide him visitation and you can request supervised visitations in many different fashions until he and you are comfortable with his intentions.
Your child can have a comfortable and peaceful environment even if the two of you cannot converse of communicate. Just remember to keep the emotion out of the issue and deal with it like it were a business transaction...
Hope this helps....

[clarice]

thank u MaggieT...it helps to know that at least some people r on the same page with me...
right now he said that he wants to fight me in the international court because he wants our daughter to leave in Canada..because she is a canadian...and that's all...not thinking that he didn't spend a day with her or if she is ok or not ..or how she would be without her mother

[representingself]

I don't think that anyone in their right mind would discount a mothers intuition and protective nature towards their child.

Your child cannot be taken away from you and his threats should not influence you.

Just remember to keep the emotion out of the issue and deal with it like it were a business transaction...
Hope this helps....

Maggie, please don't be offended, but I wholeheartedly disagree with you.

Sure mothers have "intuitions" and "protective natures", but so do fathers. You cannot give consideration to one and not the other.

Also, you claim that the child cannot be taken from Clarice and she should disregard his threats. That is TERRIBLE ADVICE.

Why do you think that the child cannot be taken from its mother, but it is ok to take a child from her father?

She took the child away from her father, without his consent, and left the country!! That is parental abduction! First of all, the child IS a Canadian Citizen, and secondly the father has RIGHTS to his child, and the child has RIGHTS to see her father.

The mother cannot unilaterally make such severe decisions, regardless of her motivations, without consent of the jurisdictional court.

The court could VERY EASILY award custody to the father, and Clarice would be the one who gets supervised visitation because she is a FLIGHT RISK!

Clarice should get in touch with a Canadian Lawyer immediately, to try and mitigate the damage she has done.

This is not a business transaction like equilization payments and spousal support.... we are talking about the life of a child, who needs BOTH of her parents.

BTW- Just because the guy smokes pot, doesn't make him a terrible parent.

[Stargate]

Well said representingself.