Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Sole or Joint Custody?

Collapse
This topic is closed.
X
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Sole or Joint Custody?

    I have been seperated for about 2 months now, and we are just now getting ready to sign a seperation agreement. One sticky issue is custody. She is the primary caregiver, and she is going to stay in our house with our 2 kids, 2 and 4 yrs old. Right now, I get the kids for 2 nights during the week, and 1 day on the weekend. I also get unlimited visitation, she says I can come by whenever I want.

    She wants Sole Custody, based on it being less hassle for appointments, school, and life in general. Is there truth to this? The Ex very much wants me to be involved/ see the kids as much as possible, and gets antsy when I need more time to myself to deal with any matter.

    However, I ultimately want to limit contact with my ex, and start living an indepedant life. She is just beginning to accept that things are over between us, and one concern I have is creating space between us. Things are on pretty good terms right now, and we are both on the same page for the most part. I want to be involved with major decisions regarding the kids, and continue to be a big part of thier lives, and she agrees with this.

    What are the major differences between Sole and Joint Custody? What are the hidden pitfalls if I agree to her having sole custody? I want to protect myself for the future as well, but I'm not really that concerned about getting screwed over. I plan on talking to a lawyer about this soon, but I'd like to do as much research as possible so that I'm not wasting anyones time!

    Thanks in advance!

  • #2
    I would not agree to giving the sole custody to her. Seems like you two are getting along very well on issues related to kids. You should really go for shared custody which is more in line with what you have right now. Regarding signing the papers for kids etc., you can have it inserted in the court order/separation agreement that neither of you will need other's signatures to make decisions when the kids are with him/her except for major issues (religion, surname, moving etc).

    Comment


    • #3
      really? thats good to know! I'd still like to know more of the intricacies and implications of sole vs shared custody

      thanks for the quick reply

      Comment


      • #4
        If you agree to sole custody, you will find that our privacy laws will block you from ANY access to information from any government agency or other public/private organization (e.g. doctor/ohip/hospital/clinic, Childrens Aid Society, daycare/school/camp/sportsleague/scouts, passport/immigration/foreignaffairs) - unless you have explicit written consent from your ex. Maybe you can inporporate this consent letter into the court order itself, or obtain an all inclusive 'consent to release of information' letter.

        Comment


        • #5
          thanks for the info - that would be a pain... I could incorporate it into the seperation agreement however, I don't think that would be a problem

          Comment


          • #6
            The differences as I understand it are:

            Shared custody - generally close to equal time between each parent and equal access to information regarding children as well as equal decision making for the children.

            Joint custody - Equal decision making and access to childrens information, much like shared except time is generally more with the custodial parent, the non custodial parent still shares in all important decisons and has access to information.

            Sole custody - generally grants all or most decision making power to the custodial parent, time with the non custodial can vary as agreed bewteen the parties depending on your agreement. I believe most parents who wish to remain in thier childrens lives but for what ever reason do the week end parent thing would opt for joint with primary residence with he/she who spends majority of time with child.

            Comment


            • #7
              Don't give her sole custody. Even if she is the primary care giver, you are still their father and still involved in their lives weekly.

              Also, don't sign away conscent. Just have shared custody and retain your right to be equal in decision making for the kids.

              It is not a 'hassle' in anyway - in 2 years of separation I have not needed or need to give a signature or permission for anything.

              Things may be good now, but years from now things may not and if you give up your decision rights as a parent you may regret it. On the other hand you will never regret not giving away this right. Your kids may need you some day and if you give up your rights, you may not have the power to help.

              Parenting is a job for two, which requires that you keep your rights as well as keep open communication with your former spouse, even if you don't enjoy it. Don't think about her, think about your kids.

              Comment


              • #8
                I think that by giving her sole custody you will have no say in where she moves with the kids, medical issues, school decisions etc. If she were to die, you may not automatically get custody of the children. Joint custody is the only way to go to ensure you are still as involved (as possible) in your children's lives.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by got2bkid View Post
                  I think that by giving her sole custody you will have no say in where she moves with the kids, medical issues, school decisions etc. If she were to die, you may not automatically get custody of the children. Joint custody is the only way to go to ensure you are still as involved (as possible) in your children's lives.
                  Where the kids go after her death is an issue, yes. But even if she has sole custody, she still can't move away though - I have checked that out. Not that she would want to - but as was already said, I suppose things could go sour at any time.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Be careful not to confuse Access with Custody...Custody has nothing to do with when you see your children. It is about decision making. I have sole custody of my children but my ex has been involved with them completely. Having the decision making ability only has allowed me to help make decisions about their religion and their schooling but if you trust that your ex would make the same kinds of decisions as yourself in those respects then it is not an issue. She can not move without your permission because you are still entitled to appropriate access in your agreement...make sure you get that!!
                    As far as the privacy act...the schools did not question my ex at all about receiving report cards or update when he asked. And I could not prevent it either if I had tried. I was the only one required to go to parent teacher interviews but it didn't stop him if he wanted to attend.
                    My advice is to weigh out the benefits to you and your children if this becomes a legal battle...right now you are talking and if she wants it and you don't think it is going to be a big issue regarding her decision making ability...then it isn't a big deal...YOU however are the only person who would know if there is potential for this to become a financial burden to fight, YOU are the only person who would know if she has the potential enroll them in some off the chart kind of religion or schooling than what you would choose for them.
                    Save your strength for the real battle down the road and/or protect yourself from them....ACCESS is the important fight!!

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Great post, ty.

                      So would you agree that having Sole Custody makes things easier on you? On the kids? Why didn't you just go with joint/shared custody?

                      I guess I shouldnt assume that appropriate access is included in the seperation agreement?

                      I'm pretty easy going, and unless the EX makes a total 180 and goes nuts or something, I trust her to make good decisions for the kids. She is religious, and I'm not. However, I was raised catholic, and I have no problems with how I turned out.

                      Originally posted by nikitaforce View Post
                      Be careful not to confuse Access with Custody...Custody has nothing to do with when you see your children. It is about decision making. I have sole custody of my children but my ex has been involved with them completely. Having the decision making ability only has allowed me to help make decisions about their religion and their schooling but if you trust that your ex would make the same kinds of decisions as yourself in those respects then it is not an issue. She can not move without your permission because you are still entitled to appropriate access in your agreement...make sure you get that!!
                      As far as the privacy act...the schools did not question my ex at all about receiving report cards or update when he asked. And I could not prevent it either if I had tried. I was the only one required to go to parent teacher interviews but it didn't stop him if he wanted to attend.
                      My advice is to weigh out the benefits to you and your children if this becomes a legal battle...right now you are talking and if she wants it and you don't think it is going to be a big issue regarding her decision making ability...then it isn't a big deal...YOU however are the only person who would know if there is potential for this to become a financial burden to fight, YOU are the only person who would know if she has the potential enroll them in some off the chart kind of religion or schooling than what you would choose for them.
                      Save your strength for the real battle down the road and/or protect yourself from them....ACCESS is the important fight!!

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        You have recieved some very good advice on your thread, question is why not not ask for "joint" custody to ensure you always have a say in important matters this would allow the Mom to take on the decisions as you seem to wish but at the same time always allow you to intervene if necessary. Which by all accounts seems unlikely. You do seem like a Dad who wishes to remain in the life of your child. You could offer up primary residency to her, but ensure your rights just in case. I feel if a parent remains in the life of the child then you should at least maintain the right to offer an opinion on important matters if it comes down to that. Th decision you fac is very personal so really it is difficuly to provide a proper opinion. But joint with primary residence to her should offer her everything she wishes based on your statements.

                        The previous poster (Nikita) does offer a very intersting perspectiv as well.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          I asked for sole custody because my ex was unfortunately not thinking very clearly at the time and there was substance abuse in the picture. Until he got his life straightened out, I did not want to continue to fight for everything because he wanted to be involved in decision making...but I had it on the table in the beginning as a bargaining tool because he didn't clearly understand what it meant either. But I knew it didn't make a hill of beans in the end.

                          I ended up getting it because we went all the way to trial on other matters and it was part of the package going into court but it honestly didn't make a difference for him and his involvement even when he has a restraining order keeping him away from me. Long story...with a happy ending as of today.

                          Sounds like she isn't someone who is going to stray too far away from anything religiously or schooling wise from you...

                          My suggestion would be to inform her of the actually differences...and have as much as possible about your proposed arrangements in the separation agreement. If she is only worried about decision making at school, she may see that having sole custody is just not as complicated as she even thinks. If you are talking and working together and neither one of you is off balanced right now....don't mess with that over words that won't make a difference. As suggested above...ask for joint because you understand it to not make a difference as she sees it. And ensure she understands that it is Access that is very important for you. Your children are young, you want as much as possible to be involved and as good as you are getting along now, you need to ensure that some day down the road, when she has a new boyfriend, that you have secured as much of your access and custody fears now.

                          Good luck...

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            I see! Well, there are no such issues between us apart from the odd big argument, but as long as we stay business like, things are generally fine.

                            We are both in the process of getting our lives together, but I don't think either of us anticipate any great difficulty. It sounds like Joint custody may be the way to go, while making special provisions in order to make things easier to deal with. I'm going to ask the EX again what her reasons are behind wanting sole custody. Once upon a time she was leaning towards joint, then changed her mind. maybe we were fighting at the time? Who knows.

                            Originally posted by nikitaforce View Post
                            I asked for sole custody because my ex was unfortunately not thinking very clearly at the time and there was substance abuse in the picture. Until he got his life straightened out, I did not want to continue to fight for everything because he wanted to be involved in decision making...but I had it on the table in the beginning as a bargaining tool because he didn't clearly understand what it meant either. But I knew it didn't make a hill of beans in the end.

                            I ended up getting it because we went all the way to trial on other matters and it was part of the package going into court but it honestly didn't make a difference for him and his involvement even when he has a restraining order keeping him away from me. Long story...with a happy ending as of today.

                            Sounds like she isn't someone who is going to stray too far away from anything religiously or schooling wise from you...

                            My suggestion would be to inform her of the actually differences...and have as much as possible about your proposed arrangements in the separation agreement. If she is only worried about decision making at school, she may see that having sole custody is just not as complicated as she even thinks. If you are talking and working together and neither one of you is off balanced right now....don't mess with that over words that won't make a difference. As suggested above...ask for joint because you understand it to not make a difference as she sees it. And ensure she understands that it is Access that is very important for you. Your children are young, you want as much as possible to be involved and as good as you are getting along now, you need to ensure that some day down the road, when she has a new boyfriend, that you have secured as much of your access and custody fears now.

                            Good luck...

                            Comment

                            Our Divorce Forums
                            Forums dedicated to helping people all across Canada get through the separation and divorce process, with discussions about legal issues, parenting issues, financial issues and more.
                            Working...
                            X