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**billm** · 07-22-2009, 10:29 AM

Originally posted by mamoosha View Post

...My ex really doesn't care much about the kids but because I would like to move to Calgary and give my kids a better life (financially) for them, he is denying me that opportunity just to spite me. Can anyone give me advice?

My advice is to reassess your thinking. He is not wanting his kids to stay near him to spite you, he wants them to stay in Ontario so that he can be their father.

Get more focused on your kids and their relationship with their parents, and less concerned with your new man. You, your kids, and their father live in Ontario. You will be causing all of them upset if you try to fight this. Kids don't care about a better financial life, you want to move for your reasons, not theirs.

Access and support are not related - you can't justify taking access away from him because he is not paying enough support.

**mamoosha** · 07-22-2009, 01:41 PM

Billm,

How do you come to that conclusion when you don't even know the facts? To assume that I am just focused on this new man in my life and have magically forgotten about what is important to me, "my childrens well being", is to assume that you know everything about me and who I am. Wow you must be the end all, be all to every persons problems, you have the answers for everything and what you assume is the right way, is that correct?

Before you judge me, you need to walk a few miles in my shoes, and then you will realize what I have been through. Let me ask you a question, if you know it all and have all the solutions, how did you become a member of this forum? I'm assuming you must of had your own problems which led you here. I believe we all come to sites like this to get advice from other people's personal experiences, not to get bashed before the facts are known. If you want to assume that my new life, with my new man, is all I think about, then there is no need for you to even reply to any messages I post.

**billm** · 07-22-2009, 02:22 PM

I offered my opinion based on the facts you provided. It is not possible for me or anyone else to know all the facts. Knowing that, you came here anyway to this public looking for advice. Disagree with it, but to suggest that I cannot post an opinion (that does not agree with you) until I know all the facts does not make sense.

My opinion was based on what you said, though taken with a grain of salt as we are all biased, considers all involved, not just you, but also your ex and your children. As it is based only on what you said, of course there can be things that I would change if I knew more, but the core issue, of moving kids is something I feel pretty strongly about, and ones justification for it is usually based on the parent, not the child where it should be. For child based justification there are almost no reasons I personally would agree with to separate the family even more than has already been done.

I have learned a lot from this forum over the last year. If you have an open mind to others so will you. If not, then you can just cherry pick the responses that fit your purposes and ignore the rest.

**today** · 07-22-2009, 03:56 PM

I wuoud have to agree with billm it does appear as per your own comments that the prmary reason for moving is not for the children. if that is the case then for the exact reasons mentioned the children should stay put and you make a decision on moving yourself.

I may be mistaken but I believe getting an order to move with the children when the other parent objects may be difficut and with good reason I would say.

**parentsrights** · 07-22-2009, 04:00 PM

I want to move to another province with my daughter

I am looking for some advice. I was in a common-law relationship in which we share a daughter who is 11 months old. Recently my common-law partner has decided to end the relationship saying that he loves me but is not in love with me. The only reason I have stayed where I am this long was becuase of him and our daughter. I have no family support here at all. I am 25 years old and love my daughter to pieces and do not want to keep her from knowing her father and his family but I know I will not be happy here without my family. I have discussed with him many times in the past that I did not want to raise our daughter in a big City atmosphere and wanted him to move with us, and he would not even consider it. I am trying not to be as selfish as he, but how can we live in another province 3,000 miles away and still allow them to have a relationship. My fear is that if we stay here with no family support that I will become depressed and unhappy and in turn not be able to parent our daughter sucessfully. Please help me figure out a way that everyone can be happy. I want what is best for our daughter but do not know at this point how to give it to her. It's like I am dammed if I do and dammed if I don't!!

**today** · 07-22-2009, 04:04 PM

It's true you find yourself in a very difficlut position, what does the father expect or want in terms of custody or his opinon on permitting you to move with the child.

**PhoenixRising** · 07-22-2009, 04:14 PM

Mamoosha

Do what you need to do and what you think is in the best interest of your child. Others will never see your point of view unless they walked in your shoes.

I wanted to move out of province as well, because there are no job opportunities here and will be none in my lifetime. The best that I can look forward to here is a minimum wage job, and continuously struggling to make ends meet. I've looked for better employment for the better part of 10 years in this location. I have educated myself and still nothing is forthcoming, with limited experience I cannot compete in this environment. It boils down to supply and demand. At least where I am moving the supply is limited and the demand is high, I stand a better chance.

I have to look at the best interest of our son. Both today and tomorrow. My ex said I cannot relocate with our son even though I am looking at his best interest in the long run. Having custody of our son and living in poverty is not in his best interest, even with the modest child support from his father. I have to be the parent that puts his best interest first.

He needs his mom to be happy, physically healthy, and financially there for him. I cannot do that for him here.

I have had to make they choice to leave him here with his father as I cannot take him with me. Either way he will only have one parent but at least he will have both parents who can contribute to his well-being financially. Since I have made this decision I no longer feel the stress and pressure building in myself and I have regained my choices in life.

I will look forward to being the Disneyland Mom when he visits. I can afford to take him to the race track and the fair. The zoo, museums, trips out west to visit my family. I can take him fishing and camping and iintroduce him to new things. I will know he will miss me and want to be with me. And I also know there will come a day when he will want to reside with me once again as all children do. I did it myself and my daughter has also made such a decision in her young life.

I am once again at peace and no longer controlled by our son's father.

Good luck to you!

**parentsrights** · 07-22-2009, 04:14 PM

He does not want us to move at all and will fight me on it for sure. We had a seperation a little while back just before I was supposed to go and visit my family and he got an emergency court order saying that I could not leave the provice with our daughter because he feared I would not come back. This is probably because I have made it clear to him from the get go where I wanted to raise our daughter. He told me that the only reason he suggested councelling and getting back together was because he was afraid that I would leave with our daughter.

**parentsrights** · 07-22-2009, 04:21 PM

Mamoosha

No offence to your decision, but I could never live without my daughter and I am sure her father feels the same way. I guess people will never be happy - in my situation right at this moment I find myself wishing he was a dead beat dad who didn't care, but in the big picture I am overjoyed for our daughter that he would do anything to be with her and fully know her. Thank you for your advice but I am not sure there will ever be a solution that will make everyone happy without financial hardships involved.

**mamoosha** · 07-22-2009, 04:40 PM

Billm
Where did you miss when I said this...
married 18 years
11 years of him having affairs
moved 8 times for his work to support him
Emotional abuse to me and the kids
VP of a huge company making 6 figure salary
gave up my job as an accountant to stay at home while he travelled and f***ed around.
has a girlfriend as well
spending weekends away with her when he is suppose to be "broke"
changes the separation agreement 2 times in 8 months ( he prepared it )
he didn't like his own rules LOL
Physically assulted my 15 year old son in October '08 (police and childrens aid involved)
doesn't see the kids on "his" Wednesdays....too much driving around for him (we live 15 mins apart)
decides that the kids don't need their extracurricular activities ( that is what they have been doing since 3 years of age)
the kids are very well rounded...I take the credit as he never was home to do anything with those kids NOTHING
the list goes on and the only person who knows the truth is God as he is my whitness

So, by me wanting to give my kids a better life in Calgary with my fiance (whom they love like crazy) your telling me that my ex just wants to be a father....
that is a huge joke and thank you for your MANLY answer and opinion.....I want to hear what other people have to say

One last thing..
my fiance has a son who is 12 years old..He has raised him from birth as the mother was a crack head...For a man to raise a child by himself, start a successful business and continues to be an amazing father says alot about my judge of character and a great choice for my children to finally have a father figure in their life

thanks for your imput

**mamoosha** · 07-22-2009, 04:52 PM

thank you for everyone's opinion...
I just want to stress this
My ex never was involved with our kids lives
he lived his and i lived ours (me and the kids)
again...he couldn't care less if I move...it's all about revenge on me
for what? no clue
I really just want to give my kids opportunities that they will never have here in Ontario..
no money for anything, soon I will live on food stamps
I can't go to work as my 17 year old daughter was diagnosed with a brain tumor 6 months ago and we seem to be at sick kids hospital more then we are at home
Guess where her father is......NO WHERE!

**helplessDad** · 08-28-2009, 02:13 AM

hi parentsrights,

please remember that your partner wants to be a part of your daughter just as much as you. and he also has his opinions on what's good for your daughter.

I can easily assume he needs to stay in the big city for the job. and it is really your own opinion that you don't find the big city atmosphere agreeable. if you feel you'll be too depressive and can't parent your daughter, perhaps your partner can. if the well being of your daughter is really your priority, she might be better off with her father, and you can always visit her in the city. and where to raise your daughter should be discussed between you and your partner, it's not yours to decide.

**parentsrights** · 08-28-2009, 08:39 AM

Dear HelplessDad,

Although I agree that it is not only my decision - apparently you are saying it is his decision then on where to raise our daughter??? I am trying to discuss the issues with him but it is apparently his way or no way. I get my opinions about raising my daughter in the big city atmosphere from personal experience as well as statistics. When we cannot leave the front door of your house without seeing a prostitute or a crackhead literally on your door step it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that this might not be a good thing for our child. One might say just move to a different area of the city. I have only lived here for 4 years now and we have moved to a different area of the city 7 times!!!!! This city is literally sucking the life out of everyone in it and I personally do not want to subject our daughter to it. She did not ask to be born. It is our responsibilty as parents (the people who did decided for her to be brought into this world) to provide the BEST possible life for her. If you ask me her father is the one only thinking of himself and what he wants or he would clearly see that leaving this city is what is best for her. Trust me the JOB is the last reason he won't leave here. In the 4 years I have known him he has changed jobs so often that he is never at one place long enough to get time off or get health benefits!! If it was me being selfish and not him, then I would have already left instead of trying to work it out with him. Since we were not married, neither one of us has custody of our daughter and I could simply leave and there would be nothing he could do about it except come to where I am and fight me for visitation there. Once in the courts and I show the video evidence of what kind of city I would be rescuing our daughter from - they would have to be completely blind not to take my side in this issue. Actually, it is so bad here that all I would have to do is mention the name of the city and I wouldn't even need the video's.

Parentsrights

**billm** · 08-28-2009, 10:15 AM

Originally posted by parentsrights View Post

... Actually, it is so bad here that all I would have to do is mention the name of the city and I wouldn't even need the video's.

Okay, what city is it?

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