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Anger issues in abusive spouse - How to start the process

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  • Anger issues in abusive spouse - How to start the process

    We have twin kids 12 yrs old.
    Have too much of hatred for each other and want to separate
    Its been 6 months that she has asked me to start divorce and has also stopped contributing to home expenses, thereby putting every bit on me while hiding her salary account transactions from me
    The reason I didnt start -- FEAR
    1. She gets fits of angers and has history of violence. I fear that she will make my life hell during the 'separation process' if i continue to live in same house. I do have a basement though but still I dont want to spend my next couple of years away from light and kids
    2. SHe abuses my kids. Thats because kids side the dad as they see her violent and dirty in her language to him. She hold grudges and seldom blackmails them emotionally by claiming that she will suicide and they will be on streets.
    She even will assault them. I have made videos of her emotionally and physically harassing the kids.
    I seriously wants to protect my kids even if i have to claim 100% on basis of those videos but I have heard horrid pieces like CAS taking away the kids etc if parents cross allegations. That could be worse so I may have to sacrifice my 'kids worry' with a hope that she will be nicer if I am not around her

    How do I start my case? Try joint or just file and hope that I somehow get a way to leave the house for safety

    Also, is there any serious concerns if she continues to hide her salary account and not contribute to the home expenses? I suspect she could be sending money abroad but I know that during division I can contest those transactions but not sure how easy will that be

  • #2
    You need to call CAS as a first step and then possibly the police. Look into therapy for your kids too.

    Track all of the expenses and when you file you ask for occupational rent.

    You need to get an outside party involved to help with the kids. She is abusing them and they need to be protected.

    Comment


    • #3
      Does ex have evidence of your poor behaviour?

      If ex is abusing you and kids, you should be taking them and leaving the house to protect them. You have video evidence, so there wouldn't be any issues with this. But let's say CAS temporarily put them in a foster home while reviewing your evidence.... how is that worse than being abused at home now?

      If ex is asking you to file, ask her to sign the documents, come to an agreement, and do it. Otherwise, file it yourself and get the process going. Your number 1 goal should be protecting your kids, not keeping them in an abusive situation longer, hoping they'll be ok.
      Last edited by StillPaying; 07-09-2024, 11:36 PM.

      Comment


      • #4
        I wouldn’t be putting too much hope into CAS. They may sound scary at first, but do very little or nothing at all.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Challenger View Post
          I wouldn’t be putting too much hope into CAS. They may sound scary at first, but do very little or nothing at all.
          The report itself is documentation. It would help for supervised parenting time as well as full custody. It would also help to get her out of the house. The abuse has been dealt with before and this spouse is a repeat offender it seems.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by rockscan View Post

            The report itself is documentation. It would help for supervised parenting time as well as full custody. It would also help to get her out of the house. The abuse has been dealt with before and this spouse is a repeat offender it seems.
            The report would say that “side A accused side B”. In my case child complained to CAS from school office lead, not even parent - they had an interview with child, both parents separately and the closed the case. I later requested disclosure, the info they put there was so vague, that it wasn’t possible to even understand who accused whom.
            I do understand there are cases when CAS helpful and there are stories on Internet supporting it, but based on my experience and experience from people I know they only eat the taxpayer’s money and have close to zero accountability.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Challenger View Post

              The report would say that “side A accused side B”. In my case child complained to CAS from school office lead, not even parent - they had an interview with child, both parents separately and the closed the case. I later requested disclosure, the info they put there was so vague, that it wasn’t possible to even understand who accused whom.
              I do understand there are cases when CAS helpful and there are stories on Internet supporting it, but based on my experience and experience from people I know they only eat the taxpayer’s money and have close to zero accountability.
              In your case there was no abuse. In this case OP's ex was previously charged. Knowing that she is still doing it is a problem and CAS would have to do an investigation.

              Your case being closed was a good thing as it was simply a tool used by your ex to get what you want. This case involves someone who was charged with assault and who is doing it again and to the children.

              Comment


              • #8
                My case was the same as OP. I told my ex I was filing and she fled with the kids. I filed a missing persons with the police and then got an emergency order to have the kids returned. Police served ex but were unable to get the kids. I got another emergency order for enforcement and then CAS called me and said they would put the kids in foster care if I followed through with the order. I said that would be safer for the kids over being alone with my ex. They met with me at court while I was awaiting the order. Ex complained about my disability and meds, but they called my doctor who confirmed I was able to care for them - so they said it was ok. I asked what I could do to protect myself and they said I could volunteer for a 6 month surprise visits, which I did. I had exclusive possession of the house and full custody of the kids. They did their visits, taught me how to smoke my meds while caring for our young kids. And I was able to use their reports during trial. CAS comes off scary but they will help especially when there's abuse.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Wow this is a lot!

                  It depends on what you want vs what you can easily achieve. There is no one fits all solution. I am sorry to say that it also depends on which party is male or female. Be careful and learn how you should talk in court, what ways or speaking are good and which are not. By default the courts have 50/50 now but there often is bias towards men. Many women or male non-earners believe that divorce with children is a like a cash for life scenario and wont let that go. Spite and

                  One thing that is always good is to record interactions even if they are normal every day ones prior to legal action happening.
                  It is almost certain they will accuse you of being the abuser especially if you accuse them.​

                  Sometimes abuse is so clear to others and easily proven to others that custody and decision making is easy to win; that usually requires police charges.
                  Mostly despite what you know others may not see the same and 50/50 is a better starting point for a final order.

                  Avoiding court completely is a good option too. Write up a 50/50 separation agreement and hope the other party realizes that it is a good deal you are offering them and sign. If court is required later to adjust that status quo due to abuse etc you will start from a point where your life is a bit more stable.

                  An OCL or Section 30 is virtually guaranteed if there are cross accusations no matter how untrue they may be.
                  Investigations can make things expensive. If you have money that lawyers see they may not be trying to hard to settle quickly and let things drag on, let YOU make bad decisions. So always ask them "is this the quickest way to do this and does it matter in the end?"

                  OCL investigations are done by "Social Workers" but there is a loophole: if they are not paying their dues they are not accountable so there is a lack of their professional accountability. OCL investigations can go very wrong and be biased. It often is a crap shoot and to overcome this a trial is often required as otherwise a judge will almost certainly take the report at its word.

                  Section 30s are worse and the outcome is often predetermined, copying reports word for word and passing them off as unique to the investigation has happened.

                  If the abuse is physical and dramatic then planning, calling the police for domestic abuse and getting an arrest is very damaging to the other party. Beware though because things more aggressive if you fail and cops also have a bias against men. You may need video/audio or blood, video is better, blood you could have done yourself.

                  If you are not well off then the court process can be more forgiving as lawyers have only legal certificates to draw from.
                  If one party is not employed, low employment, without countable wealth that is a big problem for the other party as legal aid becomes their war chest and they can deplete your funds. You won't qualify for legal aid and have no money for a lawyer. They will have no money but qualify for a lawyer.

                  Gather all the financial information you can. The other party may lie and the system is based on trust and it costs to get people to comply with the law.

                  You have a reason to be cautious. You can be the good party and still have this backfire and come back on you in a bad way; I have seen it happen and lying is a good weapon for those looking to fight and hurt the other party financially or simply to attack them. Logic does not come into play.
                  Be careful and smart, get a lawyer consult but avoid the ones that give you crazy advice like "move your kids to a different city and enroll them where you want"

                  I believe in honesty but it is not always the best policy in court. Saying too much or the wrong thing hurts and lawyers are good and avoiding that if they chose to do so. The truth is often punished via legal fees and court appearances even if you are telling the truth via accusations. Solving everything at once is expensive and often doesn't work out.

                  I would say 50/50 is a good staring final order for most. Important items to have in an agreement:
                  -Consult an tax accountant / tax lawyer that is experienced with divorce. Many things are tied to those CRA filings including government programs and benefits.
                  Split them and have it in your separation agreement. Divorce finance advisors are good too.
                  -Termination of Spousal Support is a big one.
                  - how exchanges of the children happen
                  - the holiday access schedule
                  - Child Support and financial disclosure. Child Support payments need to comply so that you can collect the child deductions even if you pay the most child support.
                  -When Child Support ends.
                  -Where young children will go to school.
                  -You can try and add accepted areas for moving at a later date that will stick
                  -What type of communications are allowed.
                  -How medical appointments are booked and the other party notified, who books them and allowance for both parents to be able to go to appointments.

                  There must be many more.





                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by StillPaying View Post
                    My case was the same as OP. I told my ex I was filing and she fled with the kids. I filed a missing persons with the police and then got an emergency order to have the kids returned.
                    Glad this worked for you. It doesn't always work if there is not clear danger to the children presented. Different areas of Ontario have different rules.
                    If the cops are called and they talk to a lawyer and the lawyers says "the children are safe" the cops shrug their shoulders.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Donald - your lack of experience and understanding continues to be clear from your rants.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by donaldD View Post
                        Glad this worked for you. It doesn't always work if there is not clear danger to the children presented. Different areas of Ontario have different rules.
                        If the cops are called and they talk to a lawyer and the lawyers says "the children are safe" the cops shrug their shoulders.
                        If you had read OPs previous posts (which you fail to do on a regular basis) you would have read that the spouse had a peace bond against them and video evidence of abuse against him, the kids and his parents.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by StillPaying View Post
                          Donald - your lack of experience and understanding continues to be clear from your rants.
                          As I previously stated I know your playbook and I find it very distasteful. I can only imagine how you played it up in litigation. Not a person I would want to associate with.


                          Originally posted by rockscan View Post
                          If you had read OPs previous posts (which you fail to do on a regular basis) you would have read that the spouse had a peace bond against them and video evidence of abuse against him, the kids and his parents.
                          I don't do things like you rockscan and so as I have previously stated I am not about to go through all of a users past posts (or yours) and attempt to do case management or do make believe pretending I am the lawyer or judge for other posters. I don't know why you imagine that a users posts here are just as reliable or complete as the files at the court house.

                          It is too bad my personal preferences offend you, but, I chose to provide advice based on the current post and often that advice will be broad and general. If I do provide advice on a previous information my norm would be to reference that information instead of carrying on like it is conversation with a family member.

                          You couldn't even bother to read the qualifiers or extract information from my post in this thread, maybe it is brain block. It is also possible you lack the intelligence to do so. Yet, I am supposed to read what you demand I do?

                          If only the whole world either bowed to you or was exactly like you then you would be able to rest.

                          You two are special.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            You two are special.
                            I would argue a guy who had to ask a lawyer if a request for information was to be sent to the other party or the lawyer is mighty special.

                            For a guy who complained about the quality of the forum you sure have a lot of useless information that brings down the place.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by rockscan View Post

                              I would argue a guy who had to ask a lawyer if a request for information was to be sent to the other party or the lawyer is mighty special.

                              For a guy who complained about the quality of the forum you sure have a lot of useless information that brings down the place.
                              Yes, I was not born with a knowledge of family law the intelligence had to be gained, but you being perfect were born all knowing, amazing!!!
                              You call it "useless" but if you lack the intelligence to find use in it that is a you problem.

                              You teaming up with your sidekick there to continually badger me with posts that have the singular purpose of attacking me is very much like the advice you provide. What people like you do is make Family court an ugly and life destroying experience; like many of the lawyers that whisper like the devil on the shoulder. Have you ever had to foot the bill for Family Court via your kids harmed or seen your life destroyed by it? Lost your house or job over it? Are you going through that now? It is all safe for you sitting on the sidelines yelling out advice like a drunken fan yells advice to a coach except this isn't a sport arena for entertainment and you are you playing make believe judge and lawyer. People's lives are destroyed on both sides.

                              From what I see the quality of this board is poor because of you two have muted and bullied away pretty much everyone else's view and have no room for empathy for the kids or the other party.

                              So, let me do me and you do you. You want to correct something factual via a canlii reference or examination of a Family Law Rule or Notice to Profession or regional rule then I am all for that. Keep it without insults. Future posts will see if you are up to that.

                              Comment

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