3=1yr/2.5yr/4yr want shared cust and 50-50 time

[dadx3]

Hi,
First let me say that I am very happy that I found this invaluable resource. I have been reading posts and I appreciate everybody's knowledge (sadly !), empathy and desire to help.

I have 3 kids aged 1, 2.5 and 4. Unfortunately for them I have to separate from my wife with the intention to divorce her. Aside from our unsolvable problems, she argues (to put it gently) with me in front of the kids and has been trying to turn 4yr old against me ("daddy is so and so..."). The children are starting to be traumatized, my 2.5 and my 4yr olds are having nightmares and they keep crying and repeating that they are "not happy".

I have been very involved with my children from the beginning. I could not live without shared custody and less than 50-50 time split. I am aware of the "tender years" doctrine and also of the fact that it has been challenged numerous times in recent years. I am also aware of early childhood development studies and particularly of the often cited "Using ....to determine custody..." paper.

Are you aware of any cases similar to mine (at least the kids' age) where shared custody and 50-50 time was awarded (or agreed upon prior to court by the parties) ? Any ideas on how to structure the case (I will be using a lawyer) ?

Please HELP !

many thanks
dadx3

[billm]

Sorry to hear about your separation dadx3.

Its simple, don't allow anything other than 50/50 and don't give concessions to get it, you have a right to raise your own children. I don't think their age is an issue, if anything I think it helps you. Don't worry about the 'tender years', I think it is dead - who says you can't be an equal parent during those young years?

In my case, I have 3 kids, youngest was 4 when she decided to end our marriage, we never discussed custody as it was obvious to both of us that it would be 50/50 and we have not had any trouble with it, the only troubles we had/have are of course some money issues and she doesn't like that I don't want to have anything to do with her outside of the kids...anyway. I cannot imagine not having 50/50. I just had them for 9 days while their mom was on vacation - it was great, the most at peace I have been since all this crap started. I would gladley take them full time, but would never presume that it is my right.

Have you discussed separation with your wife? If so, what about custody? Are you guessing that she will object to 50/50? Why? Does she work?

Anyway, I think in your case is to maintain living with the kids until a written agreement is in place, stay as involved as possible with the kids. If she runs away with the kids or something, take immediate action.

I don't have any court experience (yeah!!)

[dadx3]

Many thanks for your reply billm. To be honest and with all due respect to the other forum members, I was hoping that you would be among the people to respond.

Here is some more background info. Marriage is 5.5years (borderline short) and my wife gave up her work (unilaterally, disguised as looking for a better job but she did not actually look at all) and has never worked since. She has a good education (teacher with a BA in Ed), worked for a couple of years before we met and she is still young (35).
Money-wise, I brought "in" all the assets including the matrimonial home (yep, no prenup). As a side note, I would like to keep the house (if I can) for the kids and rather pay her off instead (maybe even 55-45).

She wants sole custody in her own words "to spite me". More importantly it is the $ and MOST importantly she wants full control of the kids including for mobility reasons (maybe even outside the country).

I know that this will be the strongest point of contention (my shared versus her sole).

This is not a high-conflict separation/divorce or at least not from my end.

Can I apply for an emergency interim motion to prevent her from moving out with the kids to try to establish a status quo towards sole custody ?

Also, my 2.5 & 4 yr olds are in daycare and have been so since they were each 1.5. Normally, the baby should have be the same way, can the judge "force" (probably just recommend) her to accept this ? Obviously, she does not want this because this opens the door for her to have to look for work, reduced CC and SS in the long run, etc.

I am also thinking about asking for the both of us for a psychological evaluation to determine our fitness as parents. Dos, donts, precedents ?

many thanks again
dadx3

[billm]

Many thanks for your reply billm. To be honest and with all due respect to the other forum members, I was hoping that you would be among the people to respond.

Holy cow, thanks for the complement.

...She wants sole custody in her own words "to spite me". More importantly it is the $ and MOST importantly she wants full control of the kids including for mobility reasons (maybe even outside the country).

I know that this will be the strongest point of contention (my shared versus her sole).

That is what is wrong with family law, this should not even be a point of contention anymore than someone saying 'I want all the assets' is realistic. Hopefully this is a non issue in that she cannot reasonably expect to get full custody, given what you have said here.

Can I apply for an emergency interim motion to prevent her from moving out with the kids to try to establish a status quo towards sole custody ?

I don't know if you can, but perhaps it would be good to be ready.

Look, it seems you are deciding to end marriage, so she is probably not doing so good mentally so it may be best to lay off the preemtive legal stuff as it may threaten her - wait until something happens, then react.

Also, my 2.5 & 4 yr olds are in daycare and have been so since they were each 1.5. Normally, the baby should have be the same way, can the judge "force" (probably just recommend) her to accept this ? Obviously, she does not want this because this opens the door for her to have to look for work, reduced CC and SS in the long run, etc.

This seems like something that the two of you work out. Hopefully she can do what she wants on her time with the kids, and if she does not work in a reasonable time frame she will be imputed with a teachers salary. She has to support herself and her kids, like most people, she really has no choice but to work in my opinion.

I am also thinking about asking for the both of us for a psychological evaluation to determine our fitness as parents. Dos, donts, precedents ?

Not knowing anything else about your situation, this idea is really out there. From what you have said, this is not a good idea and ineffective unless there is something seriously wrong with one of you. Are you trying to prove her abilities or yours? Just assume that both of you are reasonable parents, one may be better but that is okay, you should still get 50/50. Focus on the kids, not on her.


I would try not to move to fast, her head is spinning with this idea (again I assume from what you wrote that this is your idea), reassure her that you will continue to work with her for things to go smooth. You should expect and offer to pay some time limited SS, maybe up to 1 year.

If you lived in the house before you met, then if you can't decide who gets it, you should. Legally she gets half the equity in it (through marriage you gifted half to her), maybe she will take less given the short length of the marriage, but that would be up to her.

Don't allow yourself to accept anything that is not fair (but don't sweat the small stuff), but also support her through this time, even if you don't really like her right now. You are backing out of the relationship, you decided to marry her, and now you are breaking your promise, which is your right, but I suggest you be strong and recognize it is your place to help her through this, while preserving your self respect.

Good luck.

[PhoenixRising]

She wants sole custody in her own words "to spite me". More importantly it is the $ and MOST importantly she wants full control of the kids including for mobility reasons (maybe even outside the country).

I know that this will be the strongest point of contention (my shared versus her sole).

Can I apply for an emergency interim motion to prevent her from moving out with the kids to try to establish a status quo towards sole custody ?

As far as her moving away with children you can establish a prevention order for the non-removal from the area in which the children are habitual residents. At the same time you may be able to establish in the interim based on shared parenting that you have established thus far and have it stated in document.

Talk to duty counsel at the court house while preparing. Explain that your ex may be preparing to move and that until things are settled that you want something legal in place preventing it. Among other things an access arrangement.

[dadx3]

Many thanks to you both phoenixrising and billm.

Bottom line, I understand my responsibility to her and I intend to be fair+ on the $ side.

Re the psychological assessment, pls keep in mind that I am not trying to go for sole custody, she WANTS TO / IS TRYING to be a good mother however I am concerned about her (emotional) ABILITY to be so. In essence, I am trying to have a professional 3rd party "confirm" to me that I should not be concerned about my kids while on her "time".

Anyway, if anybody is aware of similar (legal) cases (# of kids of very young age) resulting in shared custody + 50-50 time that I could reference this would be much appreciated.

dadx3

[twoods]

Dadx3,

I too am going through the same situation as you (it's funny b/c my first first resembles yours). I would be lost without my children.

I would be greatly appreciated if someone can refer us to legal people who can give us realistic scenarios for custody. Likely hold of obtaining 50-50.