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  • I am new and have questions...read on...

    HI there.
    I have taken some time to go through the first 7 pages of posts on this forum (WOW) and this group looks amazing!!! I hope you will be able to help me, and in return, maybe I can help others. Here is my story, as brief as I can:
    I left the marital home in 2007, yrs of emotional abuse. I did not want to uproot my kids and my ex is a great father, so i had no issues leaving them with him. At the time, it was amicable and he assured me we would work out an agreement and i could see kids whenever i wanted. That changed quickly. Now has a barracuda of a lawyer. His demands are brutal. Denies me access to the kids saying i brought this on myself by leaving. Continues to keep my access at about 38% of time (i have been told this is to keep the majority to himself). When they are at my apartment, I do everything and pay for everything. I purchase any clothing they require or school supplies, school lunches, hair cuts etc. Totally my responsibility. I also keep him informed as to anything medical or that he needs to be aware of as their father.
    I have had numerous requests to change this (add a night which would actually make it easier for both of us) and been denied. He has impersonated me on the internet (I have proof) and I have seen him outside my apartment and work. My kids have come to me with words (slut) he has used around them. I worry about the emotional abuse they may now be under (they have said he tells them to shut up). He has stated to professionals that he is the primary custodial parent (there isn't anything in writing also have proof of this) and i have to continually seek out information as he refuses to tell me. I am keeping a journal of all conversations with him as well as activities and my time spent with the kids and expenses. I just found outthat one of my sons has been very sick (they were with their father the past 2 days) and he didn't tell me. When I asked why, he said it was none of my business. Again, i documented the conversation. He is goingout of his way to ensure that any access I have with the kids is on his terms only and thenturns around and states in his court documents that I am demanding and taking them from him.
    I qualified for legal aid a yr ago. Had a lawyer. Recently, i got a raise at work and no longer qualify but neither do i have the money for a retainer. So, I am representing myself and using FLIC as much as possible. He is asking for full child support, sole custody, sposal support, retroactive expenses for children. I am "trying" to fill out the forms as best I can, this is all so new to me, but I am a smart cookie and can figure it out.
    I am worried about getting into that case conference and losing it as the abuse will come rushing back.
    I have just found out that he appears to know my whereabouts at all times and is using that against me. Minor, but i am freaked none the less.
    Questions:
    1. what do i do about the time and the fact he is refusing access even though there is nothing in writing. I do not want to involve the police while the kids are around, that would affect them?
    2. What can I expect in a case conference, how should I prepare myself?
    3. What can I put in the brief? Can I discuss the emotional abuse?
    4. Is there anyone in a similiar situation who can tell me what happened with them?
    5. Should I involve the police in this, whether by a report on the emotional abuse and stalking, or by refusing to take the kids to their fathers and forcing some kind of case. I don't know wnaything about this.
    THANK YOU SO MUCH in advance.

  • #2
    Originally posted by fyrephoenix View Post
    HI there.
    I have taken some time to go through the first 7 pages of posts on this forum (WOW) and this group looks amazing!!! I hope you will be able to help me, and in return, maybe I can help others. Here is my story, as brief as I can:
    I left the marital home in 2007, yrs of emotional abuse. I did not want to uproot my kids and my ex is a great father, so i had no issues leaving them with him. At the time, it was amicable and he assured me we would work out an agreement and i could see kids whenever i wanted. That changed quickly. Now has a barracuda of a lawyer. His demands are brutal. Denies me access to the kids saying i brought this on myself by leaving. Continues to keep my access at about 38% of time (i have been told this is to keep the majority to himself). When they are at my apartment, I do everything and pay for everything. I purchase any clothing they require or school supplies, school lunches, hair cuts etc. Totally my responsibility. I also keep him informed as to anything medical or that he needs to be aware of as their father.
    I have had numerous requests to change this (add a night which would actually make it easier for both of us) and been denied. He has impersonated me on the internet (I have proof) and I have seen him outside my apartment and work. My kids have come to me with words (slut) he has used around them. I worry about the emotional abuse they may now be under (they have said he tells them to shut up). He has stated to professionals that he is the primary custodial parent (there isn't anything in writing also have proof of this) and i have to continually seek out information as he refuses to tell me. I am keeping a journal of all conversations with him as well as activities and my time spent with the kids and expenses. I just found outthat one of my sons has been very sick (they were with their father the past 2 days) and he didn't tell me. When I asked why, he said it was none of my business. Again, i documented the conversation. He is goingout of his way to ensure that any access I have with the kids is on his terms only and thenturns around and states in his court documents that I am demanding and taking them from him.
    I qualified for legal aid a yr ago. Had a lawyer. Recently, i got a raise at work and no longer qualify but neither do i have the money for a retainer. So, I am representing myself and using FLIC as much as possible. He is asking for full child support, sole custody, sposal support, retroactive expenses for children. I am "trying" to fill out the forms as best I can, this is all so new to me, but I am a smart cookie and can figure it out.
    I am worried about getting into that case conference and losing it as the abuse will come rushing back.
    I have just found out that he appears to know my whereabouts at all times and is using that against me. Minor, but i am freaked none the less.
    Questions:
    1. what do i do about the time and the fact he is refusing access even though there is nothing in writing. I do not want to involve the police while the kids are around, that would affect them?
    2. What can I expect in a case conference, how should I prepare myself?
    3. What can I put in the brief? Can I discuss the emotional abuse?
    4. Is there anyone in a similiar situation who can tell me what happened with them?
    5. Should I involve the police in this, whether by a report on the emotional abuse and stalking, or by refusing to take the kids to their fathers and forcing some kind of case. I don't know wnaything about this.
    THANK YOU SO MUCH in advance.
    FP
    It does not look good that you left the matrimonial home without the children. The status quo of your husband being the custodial parent is set. The court is likely to leave it that way. You will likely have to pay child support.

    Your questions
    1. You say there is nothing in writing. Is there no separation agreement? What would be your grounds for involving the police? Were the police ever called to the home while you were there? Are there reports?
    3. To include emotional abuse in your brief you would have to have some strong evidence. Do you have witnesses?
    5. If you didn't involve the police when you were together, now is not the time to do it. Refusing to return the children to the de facto custodial parent might bring the police down on you.

    Is there a boyfriend in the picture?

    FN

    Comment


    • #3
      no boyfriend.
      Is this all in despite the fact I have made and attended dr appts, counselling sessions etc?
      No Police as i didn't want the children to see any of that.
      As for evidence, only my frends seeing me break down

      Comment


      • #4
        "no boyfriend" is good. The rest of it looks difficult. Hopefully some other members can jump in here.
        I think you should drop the emotional abuse card. It's your word against his.
        His barracuda lawyer is going to paint a picture of a mother who abandoned her children. This is where the "no boyfriend" becomes important ie why did you leave. The barracuda might say that you could not handle motherhood. How would you answer that?


        FN

        Comment


        • #5
          I Love motherhood and wish that i could provide more, but the father is entitled to his time. I could not handle the emotional abuse and at the time, he focused that on me. I was tired of being watched and questioned and stalked.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by FreeNow View Post
            FP
            It does not look good that you left the matrimonial home without the children. The status quo of your husband being the custodial parent is set. The court is likely to leave it that way. You will likely have to pay child support.
            I don't agree with this - in principle for sure, not sure about the courts...

            You said you have the kids 38% of the time (kinda specific number - what a laugh that people (nothing against you, I just find it silly) think they can pin it down so tight...), anyway, the rule is that below 40% of time with you the kids are considered that they don't live with you and you pay full CS to the other parent. If he is denying you access and you are a reasonable parent, you should be able to establish (through court action) a shared 50/50 custody if that is what you want. You need to have a proper place for them to stay etc. I would hope that 38% custody for less than 2 years does not sentence you to a life time of not equally sharing in raising your children. He is in a position of power, given that the kids appear to live with him (though only 60% of the time, so really they live with both of you), but he is abusing that power as you are entitled to be an equal.

            I agree that you should not focus on him and abuse etc, your marriage is over so just focus on the kids and how you can equally raise them. Fighting with him will make it harder for you to obtain your goals. He is taking his anger on you out on the kids indirectly and that takes away from your view of him as an excellent father. If he really is, hopefully he will wake up and recognize that he needs to separate his feelings about you when it comes to the children.

            Comment


            • #7
              I have attempted and am still attemting to add two nights a week in (instead of picking them up at 8am, I pick up at 7pm night before) and that is what he is refusing.
              My main goal with this upcoming case conference to apply for a children's lawyer. My kids are refusing to go to their fathers, they say he is yelling at them and telling them to shut up, and my oldest asked me whata slut is cuz "that is what daddy calls you". I want a third party to assess the situation before decisons are made. Does anyone have experience with this? Will a judge dismiss (for now) my ex's demand for temporary child support the table amount until a children's lawyer responds?

              Comment


              • #8
                I worked out the percentage because I was told that the judge looks at 40/60 as being shared. I now realise my ex is deliberatly keeping me below (on the advice of his lawyer I am sure). If he agreed to give me the nights i continually request, it would be more of 60/40 for me. It is a game at this point unfortunately. And one I am not interested in playing.
                Last edited by fyrephoenix; 05-07-2009, 10:33 PM. Reason: adding more information

                Comment


                • #9
                  billm,
                  Are you a male or a female?

                  FN
                  Last edited by FreeNow; 05-07-2009, 11:02 PM.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    i am female....oh, you meant billm, sorry.
                    Last edited by fyrephoenix; 05-07-2009, 11:11 PM. Reason: wrong person

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I think billm is a woman pretending to be a man. billm could you please clarify your gender? We earlier learned that LittleMan was a woman.
                      I think it is very important that we know the gender of the poster.
                      Perhaps a mod could set it up in the user profiles.

                      FN

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by FreeNow View Post
                        I think billm is a woman pretending to be a man. billm could you please clarify your gender? We earlier learned that LittleMan was a woman.
                        I think it is very important that we know the gender of the poster.
                        Perhaps a mod could set it up in the user profiles.

                        FN
                        I think billm thinks FreeNow is a bit of an ass

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          I think fyrephoenix has a good chance of obtaining an equal custody arrangement. She has been having the kids as much as she can and the argument can be the father's adamant refusal to go over the percentage limit in regard to obtaining full CS.
                          However, when there is a concern of mistreatment and you wish to involve the OCL you are contradicting your wishes of equal parenting. If there is a problem with abuse (only verbal in this case) should one not be fighting for sole custody?
                          It must be a clear road in the courts. What is the goal? He's a GREAT father and shared parenting is the best route OR he's emotionally abusing the children, they don't wish to see him as much and less access is warranted.
                          As far as the Judge's decision, no one can say but the Judge. If one parent has a baracuda lawyer and one is self-representing the odds are not equal.

                          It is likely that a Temporary Order for custody and access would be put in place while differences are sorted out and while the OCL does their job if that is what is wanted.

                          A boyfriend or girlfriend is irrelevant in the proceedings. While leaving the children is not the best option, willingness to look after them as much as possible can be proven.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally Posted by FreeNow
                            I think billm is a woman pretending to be a man. billm could you please clarify your gender? We earlier learned that LittleMan was a woman.
                            I think it is very important that we know the gender of the poster.
                            Perhaps a mod could set it up in the user profiles.

                            FN

                            I think billm thinks FreeNow is a bit of an ass


                            We learned from littleman's FIRST posting that she was a woman. The name was obviously in reference to her child.
                            I personally don't know any man that would call himself littleman on a forum. Bigman, maybe.

                            Gender should be irrelevent in the Family Courts. The only relevence it has on this forum is to show a slowly moving shift towards equality in the courts for a father in custodial disputes. A man should not have to prove his ability to be a father when a relationship ends.
                            Gender knowledge is nice to see also if it portrays a shift towards women having to become self-sufficient when a union ends.
                            For info/advice on access, benefits, court forms, judges, motions, case conferences, child tax benefits, equalization payments, custody etc...this forum is a wealth of information and if it comes from a lesbian, gay, transvestite, man, woman, step-parent, bio parent, 60 year old or a 22 year old is irrelevant.

                            I think billm is a man posing as a man. I think he's a father with a little bit of mother thrown in. I think he's a civil, insightful poster. I think he might even cook.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Denial of access and stalking qualifies as emotional abuse. You need to document every conversation that you have with this person and any and all incidents with him or the children.

                              Comment

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