Cancelling visitation

[Kimberley]

I haven't been about in awhile, things have been fairly calm for the most part.
Just a quick summary before assumptions, accusations or the like are made in responses as seem to be rampant in a few posts unfortunately.

I have sole custody of our 4 children, he has every 2nd Sunday from 9am to 7pm. His Sunday visit should have been yesterday, but on Saturday night at 9pm he called me to inform me that he would not be able to pick up the kids as he was recently in a car accident. He requested next week instead, of which I denied and stated that I would prefer that he keep to the schedule as ordered by the court from the date of the order, and because next weekend is also Mother's Day.
He was livid, using foul language and yelling at me for getting money from him for CS (I am getting $204 LESS per month than ordered). I do not feel that I am being unreasonable since:

1. He was ordered by the court, upon HIS agreement in the settlement conference prior to the final court order about what he should pay for CS
2. His CS amount is lower than it should be because I have allowed for him to base it on a projected yearly income, which means, of his own clear knowledge, that at the end of the year, he will be adding yet more arrears on what he already owed for the time between the temporary order and the final order (projected at $30,000 a year.. he's never made under $35,000 in the 15 years we were together)
3. He was calling me with 12 hours notice, and while I understand that you cannot control a car accident happening, I should not have to throw away my family plans for Mother's Day with my children to bend over backwards for someone who REFUSED to accept more access than 2nd Sundays
4. He cannot have the kids overnights, his CL spouse has a restraining order against her from being in any contact directly or indirectly with the children until Dec 2009 - after which in the final order, he cannot leave the children alone with her, he must be present at all times
5. While I understand that the above statement limits his ability to 'pick & choose' more visitation time, his CL spouse was charged (and convicted) with assault with a weapon on my then 8 yr old son for brutally beating him with the hard plastic tubing from a vacuum cleaner (while holding him against a wall), on his bare skin (lower back, sides, buttocks) leaving unimaginable bruises and welts; so I refuse to back down on anything that entails my children being alone with her in any form.

Am I supposed to feel like I MUST change how visitation is planned when I have done as such based on the court order (to a point), or is his cancellations of his own to bear? Yes, I get that the children should have a relationship with their father, point taken, since I'm the one that fought to even get him to make the effort to see them. Otherwise he doesn't call, write, takes no interest in any other aspect of their lives.
I signed a consent form to allow him access to their school records, and according to their school, he has not made the effort to gain any sort of information.

I do not want to have to fight another battle with the man in regards to the kids, or the CS that he is responsible for. I only just got the final order Feb 3, 2009 and to have to repeat everything because he's going to make a point of being verbally abusive because he does not feel that he should be financially responsible for his own children.

What next? Just document, document, document and if action becomes necessary.... then what?
The verbal abuse is unacceptable, and I won't allow him to continue to say nasty things to me or about me to the kids, how long do I allow it to go on?

Thanks for any insight

[doingmybest]

I am not sure what is in your court order...but shouldn't it say you get your children every Mother's day.....

Mine says if it is mine day or my ex's day...I still have my daughter for Mothers Day, just like he gets her from 10am-6pm on Fathers Day.

So, if he couldn't see them on his scheduled Sunday, he forfeits this time.

It really should be a part of your court order and a non-issue.


Just my two cents....you really need to do what you feel is best for your children, and I think spending Mothers Day with you...their Mother...is very important.

And yes "document". I have been advised to do this too. Not sure when it is ever going to be used. For instance my ex gets our daughter every second Sunday...and in 10 months he has requested 11 visitation changes, all of which I have accommodated. I feel inside that my 5 year old will grow up and she will see that I was always trying to do my best by her, and that she was/is the most important thing.

You have to do what you feel is the best thing for your children, which sounds like you are trying too!

[Suchislife]

#1 - 9 pm. Saturday is not much notice to cancel. Was the car accident Saturday afternoon?
Hope it didn't bung up your plans for yesterday, too much.

#2 - To ask for make-up time on Mother's Day is callous.
A different Sunday should suffice.

#3 - Too yell at you for not wanting to change your Mother's Day plans is SUPER callous.
What's his #???!!!

#4 - To continually hassle you about CS for the kids he fathered is ridiculous.
KUDOS to you for raising them.

#5 - To be with a woman that was charged AND CONVICTED of assault on one of his children only proves he's a whack job. Not you. I mean really now. I know it wasn't HIM but how does he justify that in his own mind??

In my opinion, he's simply freaking out over nothing. Why not a different Sunday a few weeks from now when he's even more fully recovered? What's the big deal? Like you say he's not the most attentive Father in the world anyway.

Double points to you for pushing to maintain the relationship even though it's tough. I personally believe your Dad's your Dad, no matter how bad, even if he's a cad. As the children mature they will formulate their own opinion and have the relationship they wish to have without feeling as thought you cut them off.

[billm]

Great post suchislife

Mothers day is your day with the kids so don't worry about that, its obvious to all BUT him.

You should be flexible and allow for a makeup when it works for both of you though.

I wouldn't second guess him about the car accident, the details etc are not important even if by chance he is using it as an excuse. This is exactly the kind of thing you take at face value, say you are glad it was not more serious (if you can handle saying that!), and that you are sure that you can work out a time for him to take the kids (except not on Mother's day!!).

You have a court order etc in place - that is for when you can't agree on something, so there is not need to listen to any BS about things like CS etc.

It can't hurt to tell him over and over that no matter how justified it may be, talking bad about a child's parent by another parent is harmful and confusing to the kids, and you hope that the both of you can follow that for the kids who are innocent in all of this. Maybe it will sink in eventually.

[Kimberley]

I am not sure what is in your court order...but shouldn't it say you get your children every Mother's day.....

Mine says if it is mine day or my ex's day...I still have my daughter for Mothers Day, just like he gets her from 10am-6pm on Fathers Day

As I stated, there are other things that prevented a more detailed order, but it lists his visitation as every 2nd Sunday, which has been adhered to until this Sunday. Anything outside of that is to my discretion.

I do not know when the accident happened, he did not state that, just simply informed me that he had one and couldn't come get the kids between his profanity and yelling at me.

He has never cared about 'proper' notice and even when listed in the court order, he uses lies an excuses to get around that anyway, it's a battle I'm tired of fighting.


Thanks everyone

[standing on the sidelines]

so if his scheduled vistitation would have landed on Mothers day you would not have had a problem?/

i think the kids should spend mothers day with their mom and fathers day with their dads. For him to stay with a woman who basically beat your child is crazy. As for the car accident, if there was a car accident, maybe it would not hurt to be a bit flexible on this point and allow him to make up the day, but I would ask for proof of the car accident. If he is lying about it then he loses his day with no make up day.

[#1StepMom]

From what I know/learned/read...

1. Mother's Day w/Mom and Father's Day w/Dad
2. Cancelling visits is okay (as long as it doesn't occur often, and only when absolutely necessary) with appropriate notice, though in some court orders it states that if the NCP doesn't show after 30min, the CP can assume they are not coming to pick up the child.
3. Make-up visits occur if the requested time is appropriate to the CP.

Obviously, his requested time was not appropriate. Perhaps suggest another time for a make-up visit, if you still intend to allow one? And if he doesn't want to take it... too bad, so sad... his choice.

[Kimberley]

He only requested next weekend instead - he did not request a 'make up visit' per-se, he was requesting next Sunday and every 2nd Sunday after that date. In my opinion, a 'make up' visit should mean that he not completely re-adjust the entire schedule but take an extra visit somewhere along the line. This was unacceptable to him which is what prompted his verbal abuse because I had the nerve to say no to Mother's day and suggest an alternative solution - which means him seeing them two Sundays in a row.

[standing on the sidelines]

He only requested next weekend instead - he did not request a 'make up visit' per-se, he was requesting next Sunday and every 2nd Sunday after that date. In my opinion, a 'make up' visit should mean that he not completely re-adjust the entire schedule but take an extra visit somewhere along the line. This was unacceptable to him which is what prompted his verbal abuse because I had the nerve to say no to Mother's day and suggest an alternative solution - which means him seeing them two Sundays in a row.

I can understand your problem with it. IMHO the timetable should stay the same and he gets a make up day. You were more then fair to him.