Faulty to assume Shared Parenting: here's why

[TRG2010]

I dont expect everyone to agree with me, just without the nastiness. I said it twice to give him the opportunity to respond, I did not want to have to hang up on him, I dont like being rude. I dont care if he tells other people, but he is telling his lawyer (that is what I ment before) and we are in the divorce process and my lawyer told me to be as nice as possible, which I am trying to do. So I can't really stand up to him right now either because of the whole lawyer thing. He has nothing on me, so he is trying(I feel) to set me off to do something to make me seam unstable. Trust me, this is a difficult situation and I hate it. I have stood up to him and for myself through out our whole farce of a marriage and I really dont want to do it anymore. I left him to find peace, if I stand up for myself it will create room for him to continue, I have tried standing up to him a few times already (email only), in the nicest possible way, and it still doesnt end well. Even if I keep it child oriented, somehow he gets personal jabs in there towards me. Judge said to try communicating through email only. He wasnt even supposed to call me. In his eyes I can do nothing right, and everythng is a fight, its really not worth standing up to anymore.

[Mess]

I never said it was assult, i said abuse - domestic violence.

Then why did you link to a web page about ASSAULT? We don't doubt that you have problems with him, but you are trying convince us of the fiction that the police are obligated to call the CAS because of verbal abuse over the telephone. Something the children wouldn't even have been able to hear, or even known about if you didn't tell them.

If he committed a criminal act, the police should have charged him. If they didn't, it wasn't assault, and the web page you posted a link to has nothing to do with your arguments.

And now you're trying to distract attention away from your bogus "proof" by saying we don't believe he was abusive to you. When did I say he wasn't abusive?

[standing on the sidelines]

this is a safe enviroment to talk, but you cannot expect everyone to agree with you. You say you said good bye twice, why not just once and hang up. THERE IS NO LAW THAT SAYS YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO HIS VERBAL ABUSE!!!! You can hang up the phone at anytime and who cares if he goes around telling people you hung up?? Yo have to start to grow a bit of a backbone when it comes to him. You do a good job of standing up for yourself here, so now it is time to start standing up for yourself when it comes to him. You can do it, you have proven that here.

[TRG2010]

I did, What do you people think? I answered the phone, I dont have call display. He caught me off guard, I kept camly repeating myself that she was not well and I would notify him later if she was better, he kept escillating and threatening I finally said goodbye twice with no answer from him, just a constant tirade before I hung up. I cant just hang up right away when its him, I have to listen at least so he cant go around and say that I hung up on him and didnt let him talk. You all do not know him and what he is capable of. He will twist anything I do (and he has) around to make it look like he is the victim. I am dealing with so much and I thought that this would be a safe environment to talk.

I really didnt think this was a forum where you have to constantly defend yourself.. I have done nothing wrong, yet I am being critisize and judged and having words put in my mouth.

[standing on the sidelines]

I never said it was assult, i said abuse - domestic violence. He was more than nasty Mess, why dont you understand that? Do you not believe that it is possible to abuse someone over the phone? it is still considered domestic violonce what he did, it was enough for the police to warrant an investigation and to call childrens aid. Why are you disputing that? He was more than nasty... This is what is dissapointing in this world, people dont understand or choose to ignore domestic violence/ spousal abuse or minimize it. Why do you (Mess) keep putting words in my mouth? I NEVER said he assulted me, why do you keep doing that?

you had the choice to hang up the phone right away. To me domestic violence is when there is a physical altercation. What you suffered was verbal, mental abuse.

[TRG2010]

I never said it was assult, i said abuse - domestic violence. He was more than nasty Mess, why dont you understand that? Do you not believe that it is possible to abuse someone over the phone? it is still considered domestic violonce what he did, it was enough for the police to warrant an investigation and to call childrens aid. Why are you disputing that? He was more than nasty... This is what is dissapointing in this world, people dont understand or choose to ignore domestic violence/ spousal abuse or minimize it. Why do you (Mess) keep putting words in my mouth? I NEVER said he assulted me, why do you keep doing that?

[Mess]

I am sure that you have received counselling and been told that verbal abuse is spousal abuse. I would never dispute that. However verbal abuse is not assault. Repeating something over and over doesn't make it true. The fact that your ex was nasty to you on the phone does not mean that he assaulted you.

[standing on the sidelines]

Thats unfortunate and wrong. Here is direct from the police website that prooves what I have said, just for those who dont believe me. Page 2 point 5

http://www.ottawapolice.ca/en/servin...er_assault.pdf

The Children’s Aid Society of Ottawa will be notified when

children are present during a domestic violence incident.

sorry but that doesn't help. You said that he called and yelled at you. I think the website means when children are present when there is physical abuse.

[TRG2010]

Thats unfortunate and wrong. Here is direct from the police website that prooves what I have said, just for those who dont believe me. Page 2 point 5

http://www.ottawapolice.ca/en/servin...er_assault.pdf

The Children’s Aid Society of Ottawa will be notified when

children are present during a domestic violence incident.

[standing on the sidelines]

FACT: My ex called and threatened to kill me and our daughter. He was drunk. I called the police. They spoke to him, he threatened them, he was arrested.
FACT: They did NOT call CAS.

Just my two cents.

thanks for posting that. shows what actually happens

[MaksMom]

FACT: My ex called and threatened to kill me and our daughter. He was drunk. I called the police. They spoke to him, he threatened them, he was arrested.
FACT: They did NOT call CAS.

Just my two cents.

[TRG2010]

Quote MEss - So believe that what happened one illness 6 months ago should lock everything in stone for the future? You aren't justifying anything with statements like that.

YES!!! One time he is fine with it, shouldnt I presume he would always be fine? Or should I constantly think to walk on egg shells for the rest of my life wondering if he is going to flip out even though he didnt before, constantly afraid to do or say anything because he might harrass me, threaten me, make my life hell over something as minor as her being sick? OMG what about the bigger issues!???
I never claimed the sick day having her go was abuse, you need to read better. the phone call was abusive!!!

[TRG2010]

In domestic violence calls the police ARE REQUIRED to phone CAS. The fact that there were children in the house at the time of the incident, the police are required to take a statement and they told me that they had to call CAS. This phone call from him was not an argument as you are presuming. Are you a police officer? Dont talk about stuff you know nothing about, you were not here at the time you have no right to falsly accuse me, you are rude.

The issue may not apply to me, but I have a right to make a comment and opinion on it.

Again, I do not wish the laws to be changed according to me, I am speaking up for all abused persons with children. If a presumption of 50/50 were in place automatically, then it would affect me.

Children have a right to 2 parents - 2 emotionally, mentally healthy, stable parents/role models.

I am not an idiot, I know children have to do things that make them uncomfortable.

I am not indulging her to keep her with me, she was sick for a whole week, didnt go to school, why would I have her go to her dads when she didnt want to, she is also 13, she has that choice, and he was fine with that (also she has a different dad than the abusive one) I also never said that this was abusive...

I keep repeating myself because you keep questioning me.

I do care about facts, I think you dont. FACT Police have to call CAS in domestic violence cases when children are involved. both children where in the house. Call them I DARE YOU, ask them... I will await your apology for your accusations, which I doubt will come.

The arguments I have are about me and my children and protecting them. If shared parenting were in place automatically, it would not be good for people in my situation. I would be putting my child at risk.

Im slamming shared parenting for my situation, if it works for others, wonderfull!!! I actually have a great relationship with my eldest dad, and we communicate great. I am making my own opinions on my situation, not yours or someone elses. You on the other hand are slamming me for my opinions, and falsly accusing me as well.

Standing on the sidelines - thank you. Unfortunetly he has been abusive to the children as well. I have a therapist to help me as well. He does want 50/50, but (I have heard through mutual aquantances) that he only wants it to pay less support and its all about control for him.

[Mess]

Just to note, I did not call CAS. When I phone the police on him for his verbal attacts on the phone, the police called CAS, which is manditory for them to do.

This is no where near the truth, the police are not required to call the CAS because of anything he said to you over the phone, unless he said something theatening toward the children. If he threatened you or the children he should have been criminally charged. If he wasn't criminally charged, what was the extent of this "abuse". If the cops called the CAS every time my ex and me had an argument on the phone, their phone lines would be worn out by now.

His access has been supervised for the past year because of his abusive tendancies and alcohol abuse.

So you are clearly in a case where you have factually reasons not to have 50/50 so this issue does not apply to you at all.

I am not suggesting that the laws be changed according to me,

This is exactly what you are seeking. You are fighting against a presumption of 50/50 unless there are reasons shown against it. The only reasons you are offering are from your own personal situation. If you offered any supporting reasons beyond you and your ex I would accept that, but you aren't.

I am upset at all the people who seam to think that every parent has an automatic right to be a parent just because they are one.

Parents do have a right to be a parent. The children also have a right to have two parents. Those rights come secondary to actual factual danger to the children, or to one parent from the other. The fact that two people argue doesn't somehow eliminate their other rights.

I am upset at all the others who are not ooking at situations like mine or who are making assumptions like you are towards me without having walked in my shoes.

I am responding to the information and reasons you are giving for your opinions. Not a single person has argued that there shouldn't be exceptions due to abusive situations, but you keep repeating the same thing over and over. You know what? We get it. You are in a high conflict situation. Your ex is under CAS supervision. You wouldn't qualify for shared parenting. Not a single person has disputed that, but you can't stop yourself from repeating details of your situation as proof about how the law should be written.

Besides, I am not the one who made the sick day situation trivial, he did. She was sick one before and he had no problem with it, then 6 months later, when she is sick again he does, how is this situation my fault as you are implying?

So believe that what happened one illness 6 months ago should lock everything in stone for the future? You aren't justifying anything with statements like that.

Just because your children would be happy to be cared for by both doesnt mean it is the same for everyother child.

There is a big difference between what we might prefer and what constitutes abuse or negligence sufficient to warrent CAS intervention. My children have to do a lot of things that make them uncomfortable, that is a reality of life. From the way you speak you would be agast at the life my mother had growing up on the edge of the Minising swamp in the 1920's. We don't all collapse into a coma due to some discompfort and inconvenience, much less a cab ride to the parent's home.

I dare you to ask, the next time your kids are sick if they wish to be driven to their moms place.

You have no business daring me anything about my children. Both of my children prefer to be with me when they are ill rather than at their mum's, because for their whole lives I took care of them on their sick days. That doesn't make my ex a bad parent, she does a great job with them, but we are different people with different personalities.

My older child was sick and she did not want to go to her dads because she wasnt feeling well.

That hardly constitues abuse or suffering. It sounds more like you will indulge any excuse to keep her with you.

It is different when they are at school, they can't stay there, it is ridiculous that you even made that as an example.

It's not ridiculous and I will spell it out for you because you refuse to open your eyes and see the actual point: Moving a child when they are sick does not harm them. They are uncomfortable sitting. They are uncomfortable laying. They are uncomfortable on the toilet. They are uncomfortable in the bath. They are uncomfortable in the car. That is the reality of being sick. If they have to be moved, then they have to be moved.

If they are sick, what is the point of moving them if it is not neccessary to do so? "Sorry baby, I know your sick, you haventy slept all night, your hot as hell, throwing up and you sleeping, but I have to wake you up so you can go in a car, to go for a visit"... That is ridiculous!

And that is not what I said. We are not talking abotu visits in a 50/50 shared situation, we are talking about 2 equal homes and 2 equal parents who provide equal care an equal amount of time. And ignoring the fact that I have already said that the option of delaying the switch and have makeup time later doesn't give you any credibility.

And just so you are aware, if the baby was at his house and was sick there, I would not ask for her to come home, I would wait for her to be better.

Good for you. Neither would I. Neither would my ex. You don't have to do that with a shared parenting arrangement, but you really don't care about facts, do you?

There is more to my situation than you know, and you are making it sound like I am claming he is abusive...

There is always more to any situation than we can know. I'm taking exception to you because you are slamming shared parenting over and over, soley based on the fact that it doesn't work in your situation. The only arguments you have against it are all about you. But you don't have shared parenting and you wouldn't have shared parenting under any proposal. You aren't affected by this at all. You might as well be arguing for laws against apartment buildings because you prefer to live in a house.

[standing on the sidelines]

Also, everyone here is proposing 50/50 and from what I read, everyone has issues and judges and critisize those that are going for or want sole custody. I have read a lot of people ripping into others when the read the words "sole custody". I dont see much support for people in my situation in these forums. All I see is poeple stating try to work together, try to compromise. Well I have, try telling him that. I have been severely abused by him - they say that emotional/mental abuse is worse that physical, you cant see my scars and yet according to a lot of people here I should suck it up, and continue to be abused by him by putting myself in situations where he can. You have no idea and until you walk in my shoes kindly dont judge me.

I have walked in a version of your shoes. I was also in an abusive marriage that covered all types of abuse. Yes the bruises heal quicker but you also have to let yourself heal. It is tough but you can do it. You took the first step by not being with him anymore. Now the part you are not going to like, if he hasn't abused the child(ren) then if he wants to [I]try[I] 50/50 then you should try to build up to that. You may need to get some mental help yourself to deal with the residual effects of the abuse, I know that I did and it helped.